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-   -   my screw ups (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=10047)

paininthebutt 05-20-2011 12:35 PM

my screw ups
 
Good morning. I am a 30 yo male, my girlfriend is also 30. We decided to give poly a try. We have found a great guy for both of us. We can easily sit around and talk with no problems. The problem is they were together for the first time last night when i was at work. I asked my girl to send me some pics. Later on that night I received her text saying they were getting dressed. I felt like I was going to puke. I dont understand why but those pictures were very important to me. so that kinda set my mood. I got home and started to relax and drank a 6 pack. Around 2am I dragged both of them into the bedroom planning on having some more fun. I looked at both of their faces and they look exhausted. I have feel that I am getting screwed over on this relationship. I need some advice.

RfromRMC 05-20-2011 01:02 PM

If you three are working on forming a Triad, you have to understand that it is a series of 4 relationships: The one between you and your girlfriend...the one between your girlfriend and your guy...the one between you and the guy...and finally of course the one when all three of you together. I guess the question you have to ask is if all of those connections are being given ample time and effort towards them?
The biggest advice any triad can have is to invest in each pair.
Just like any polyamorous relationship, you have to direct intense focus on maintaining open honesty. To combat jealousy, you should try to feel some compersion...that is, feeling happy that your partners are happy with each other. I understand jealousy is an instinct we are brought up with in the world of monogamy, but you need to focus on the good. Are you still having a great relationship with both of them?
If over the long haul you still like you're getting the short end of the stick you should be upfront and honest (in a non-combative way) about your feelings.

Ariakas 05-20-2011 01:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by paininthebutt (Post 82461)
Good morning. I am a 30 yo male, my girlfriend is also 30. We decided to give poly a try. We have found a great guy for both of us. We can easily sit around and talk with no problems. The problem is they were together for the first time last night when i was at work. I asked my girl to send me some pics. Later on that night I received her text saying they were getting dressed. I felt like I was going to puke. I dont understand why but those pictures were very important to me. so that kinda set my mood. I got home and started to relax and drank a 6 pack. Around 2am I dragged both of them into the bedroom planning on having some more fun. I looked at both of their faces and they look exhausted. I have feel that I am getting screwed over on this relationship. I need some advice.

It was one night. Don't jump to conclusions about you being screwed in the relationship.

I can understand the pics, its a way to maintain connection, but.. in the same breath, is it fair to ask a couple during their first few times to take time for pics. I know I wouldn't even think of it, the lust is far to intense.

Be patient, your turn will come :)

Also, ditto to what RfromRMC said.

redpepper 05-20-2011 02:33 PM

There isn't much to go on here about what is going on for you. I understand the feeling of needing to puke though. I have felt that before under similar circumstances. It passes with time and experience.

The others have given you some good things to go on. If I were you I would read here and learn about how others are doing. Ask questions here, stay open and honest in your communication and remember to breath.

nycindie 05-20-2011 06:28 PM

Um, dude, it was 2 in the fucking morning, you just drank a six-pack, and were being demanding. Obviously you were drunk and pissed off. Who in their right mind would fuck you then? Think about it.

ViableAlternative 05-20-2011 07:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 82541)
Um, dude, it was 2 in the fucking morning, you just drank a six-pack, and were being demanding. Obviously you were drunk and pissed off. Who in their right mind would fuck you then? Think about it.

This.

Now, believe me when I say I'm not trying to be harsh, okay? Seriously, I'm not. So try to be impartial about what I'm gonna say, okay? I mean it with good intentions, I really do. But I'm gonna pick apart your actions and reactions, and it might seem like I'm being a jerk.

You asked for pictures. Great, no big deal. Probably you wanted to be included. But did you express how big a deal it was for you to get those pictures? If you didn't tell them "I need pictures or I'm going to feel betrayed and be all butthurt and get drunk about it," then how were they to know? Perhaps they only thought that you were ASKING for pictures, not REQUIRING them.... And in the heat of the moment they just didn't feel like taking photos.

Now, digging into that pile of worms, WHY were the pics such a big deal to you? From an outside perspective, it seems like a pretty petty thing to be all butthurt about. I can get that you wanted to be included, and that you felt EXcluded since there weren't pics, but, again, WHY this consuming need for the pics? Are you feeling some possessiveness, or jealousness, and want to force some kind of inclusion even when you can't physically be there? I think it will help you if you can pick apart WHY this was such a big deal to you. It seems like there might be something unhealthy driving it.

Then you got home and got drunk, AFTER you were already in the emotional shitter. NOT a good or safe or healthy move. Next time, instead of hitting the bottle, consider actually TALKING with your significant other(s) about how you feel, and why you feel that way, and pick that knot of puke-feeling apart so you can understand it instead of ignoring it. If you ignore it, IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN AGAIN. If you address it and understand it, you can make it go away and maybe be a happier person in a healthier relationship.

After getting soused, at 2am, you "dragged them into the bedroom" - what, to get your jollies off on forcing an uncomfortable situation? To take what you "deserved" or something? This is a thousand kinds of BAD IDEA. Were I either one of them, the way you make it sound, I'd have packed and left and NEVER come back. I seriously hope it wasn't as bad as it sounds from the very little you said here.

The moral of this story is.... TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS, don't wash them up in booze and DON'T get drunk when you're emotionally charged. You're a danger to yourself if you do that. TAKE CARE of yourself instead; LET yourself feel it when you have awful emotions. LET yourself be hurt and upset and jealous and sick and sad and whatever else, or you'll NEVER get over it.

paininthebutt 05-24-2011 05:02 AM

I agree it was wrong for me to get drunk. The pics were a way to make sure I am still in there thoughts to comfort a insecurity that I have of being cheated on. I was cheated on in a mono marriage. I have been in a poly before as a sub. I know what work it takes. The trust that is required. What the pics mean to me was not expressed. We discovered that later the next day. She did not realize how important they were to me. We live and have learned. We found this guy on Craiglist. After sitting back and going over our 3 weeks of relationship I think we determined that he was only in it for my Fiancee. He was struggling with his bi side hard. We ended up letting him go and have changed our requirements for our 3rd. live and learn. sometimes I let it get the better of me though. I thank everyone for there responses though. They do help

nycindie 05-24-2011 11:12 PM

It sounds like you were more focused on sex than on an actual polyamorous relationship.

clairegoad 05-25-2011 10:49 AM

My two cents worth:

I'm not a big fan of photos being taken during intimate encounters. I don't want them coming up later... either in legal action or online.. or ??

Communication is important.. if someone asked for pix in those circumstances... I'd let them know how I felt. We'd reach a compromise... maybe photos but not intimate photos...

and yes, it sounds like the focus was on sex-- rather than the relationship. Sex is easy.... Tab A into Slot B.. Relationships, communication... now that's hard. :D

paininthebutt 05-28-2011 12:43 PM

Yes it was centered around sex. I believe I had it centered on that because of my ex cheating on me. If I was not told or the pics were not produced I felt like I was being cheated on. I have since explained this to her and related it to something that she has issues with me. We are both in the understanding of how deep it was to me.


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