Combining Both Worlds (partners)
Hi you guys. I just put up an intro post earlier today, so if I seem like a stranger, hopefully I wont be one for long.
As I said in my intro, Im fairly new to polyamory. Im a big believer in it, and I spent many years yearning to be able to explore opportunities outside of my at the time current relationships. It has always confused me why it's so generally assumed that a person cannot love more than one person at once. In fact, through my life I have always felt romantic love for multiple people. In my practices as of late I've become very comfortable in knowing that I can love and respect and devote a part of myself to more than one person.
My question is... when there are no rules... it's very hard to consider the best way of going about delicate situations. I've already mastered the acceptance of myself, and in turn expressing that to those that I am with. But... how do I go about integrating these seperate worlds into one?
I'm not horribly interested in having a group relationship. But I would like for these people who I love so dearly to be able to have at the very least, a friendship.
One of the men I'm seeing (this is more casual than my other relationship) is in my 'social circle' and the other is not. Considering that my other relationship (a friend who I have a very deep, emotional, loving connection with, who I consider a partner and indeed so far the greatest love of my life) is not involved in my social circle, it has been troubling me, since I would like to be able to bring him out to parties and gatherings and shows or whatever, but Im not really sure a)how to explain to my not so close friends why I have a new man on my arm yet still seem to be involved with the other man
and most importantly b) how do I get the two of them together and initiate open communication??
Neither of them are monogamous by nature, though neither have been in an open poly relationship before. So the acceptance is there 100 percent, but even I, with all my social awkwardness, have no idea how to introduce them. This could be my fear of old patterns (from previous mono relationships where I tried to breach the subject)
I suppose it just seems to good to be true, that these two amazing men have come into my life at the same time and for the first time ever it's TOTALLY okay. I just dont want to spoil a good thing with a bad first impression.
There is an event in a week or so, which everyone I know will be attending, including the less serious man. I've asked the other man to be my date, and providing he doesnt get called off to work, he will be joining me. Ive spoken to both of them and they are in understanding that each will be there, the other man may have a date of his own, and it seems to be fine all around. But I cant help but be nervous.
ANY advice would be appreciated. Im sorry this is so long, but as the first post, none of you have any history on me.
I just want this to go smoothly. And also, what do to if it doesnt. I dont want anyone to be uncomfortable, I really dont. But I am through denying myself. If they say it's alright Im going to trust that.
I say trust it. What else do you have to go on at this point? If there is an issue it will come up, but in the mean time, go out and enjoy in as relaxed a manner as you can.
Do you have any indication that they want to be integrated?
I think a more important first step would be getting to the point where exveryone understands explicitly what kind of relationship they're in. Evem if everyone pretty much "gets it" through observation, that's nothing like having actually discussed it with words.
Im big on communication. When it comes to some things it's hard for me to get my words out, but I have been as honest as possible with both of them, and they know where I stand. In turn I know where they stand. There is alot of communication between me and each of them individually. I am very very close with both.
How do you have two people in the same room when they dont want a relationship with one another, but they want a relationship with you?
Is it at all acceptable to focus on one, or try to be a girlfriend to both at the same time?
These are the issues I have. The social guidelines.
Social guidelines and Poly don't generally mix well.
What you need aren't social guidelines. You need personal guidelines.
If they are both aware of and comfortable with one another I think that one thing to consider is "time and place".
I think it's reasonable to be on a date with ONE and friendly with the other sometimes, and vice versa. I also think it's perfectly ok (IF all three of you are ok with it) to be on a date with both of them at one time.
I think it would be helpful for the latter if they were friends.
Are THEY interested in meeting one another?
I have a V-certainly NOT a triad as both men are straight. I dont go out on "dates" with both. When the three of us go out I'm with one in particular (and there is no vice versa). That is just how WE have chosen to do it. It does help A LOT that they are becoming friends though-so we can be sure to cover the details for everyone's needs AND both of them have said it's easier for them being in this situation as friends then it was when they weren't....
I think you need to ask if they want to meet. If so then sit down for dinner together and say "joe this is john and john this is joe" then eat and let the talk go as it will. Later you can get into deeper things-but first just hang out together. Let them talk about whatever things they might be interested in as people.
As for outside not so close friends-it's all about how comfortable you are. I don't give a rip who knows I have a boyfriend. Boyfriend doesn't either. But DH does care. He has people he feels it important not to have know. So we don't encounter them in any way that would suggest the situation.
IF none of you care what these "friends" think-do what feels right and screw 'em. If they care they need not socialize with you anymore. IF you do care what they think-don't set yourself up for problems with them.
TOTALLY up to the three of you.
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