Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   Scare 'em or just be friends? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=10028)

Squibby 05-20-2011 02:25 AM

Scare 'em or just be friends?
 
I was having a chat with my boyfriend yesterday and we were discussing the small issue of terrifying someone (unfamiliar with polyamory) away with questions like 'do you want to be our girlfriend/boyfriend?' etc. His reply was that you don't ask that question, you just kinda let things happen - however, I don't really see how you can do that, since surely they will assume you are off-limits and will moderate any possible feelings as such? Basically, how do you not terrify a potential lover, without, alternatively, ending up in the dreaded 'friend-zone'? 0.0

Ariakas 05-20-2011 02:41 AM

Why not meet halfway and discuss openly about your polyamorousness. Then the question or hinting won't be so daunting. You might learn out of the box they aren't interested.

For the record I am not saying this as a deception, simply meaning, be open about your overall position when engaging with people and you won't surprise them with something as potentially shocking as an open relationship.

I agree with you, letting things progress naturally, when they don't even know there is a possibility.. Chances are lower.

Somegeezer 05-20-2011 03:12 PM

I actually got with my partner before telling her about me being poly. I'm surprised she wasn't scared off when I did. I definitely think it would be hard for anyone to get into a relationship when they believe you are off limits though, so even asking straight up is always better than nothing. But surely you'd want to get to know someone before getting with them right? They would probably feel the same way. Talk to them, let them know who you are... Then if you get along well or fall in love and all that mushy stuff, ask them out. Me though, I prefer the just let it happen route. I make friends and talk about myself, but I don't really ask anyone out. I haven't done that in years. I'm only 19, but it really seems kinda childish does the whole asking out stuff.

Squibby 05-20-2011 03:45 PM

=/ I am a terrible actor though! Haha, don't you think talking about polyamory like that would kind of be a bit obvious? ("Oh hey, did you know we're polyamorous? Oh, well it means etc etc - isn't that interesting? Just thought we'd happen to talk about it now at this moment...")

Eeb scary! Asking someone out - I agree, a daft exercise in awkwardness - was terrifying for me. Felt sick for about 3 days afterwards... That kind of method, being friends first and letting things progress from there, is quite a familiar one - it went that way with my first 'serious' boyfriend. However, in the case of my current bf, he has always been placed in the friend-zone before meeting me, and as a pair? I don't know that it won't be that way too. :confused:

Somegeezer 05-20-2011 04:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Squibby (Post 82493)
=/ I am a terrible actor though! Haha, don't you think talking about polyamory like that would kind of be a bit obvious? ("Oh hey, did you know we're polyamorous? Oh, well it means etc etc - isn't that interesting? Just thought we'd happen to talk about it now at this moment...")

Eeb scary! Asking someone out - I agree, a daft exercise in awkwardness - was terrifying for me. Felt sick for about 3 days afterwards... That kind of method, being friends first and letting things progress from there, is quite a familiar one - it went that way with my first 'serious' boyfriend. However, in the case of my current bf, he has always been placed in the friend-zone before meeting me, and as a pair? I don't know that it won't be that way too. :confused:

Who says you have to ask? Maybe bring both up at the same time. "I like you! Even though it might sound weird cos I'm with someone. But they are actually ok with me being with someone else, cos we're in sort of an open relationship to have more relationships." Not that i expect you to use that line exactly. I'm just not very good at getting my point across. =P

I have people in that invisible friend zone too. But that is because of poly really. They are happy for me, but could never be with me romantically. I've had both relationships start from friendship and just meeting up at a gig or a pub too. My current partner, we met at a pub gig. =P My mate's band was playing and [even starnger part of the story] OUR ex introduced us. Just clicked from the first moment. =] Poly didn't come up for a while after that. But I think she'd had time to get used to me and basically said, "I love you for who you are and it changes nothing about the way I feel." So bringing poly up and having new relationships can go so many ways. It's just finding the ways which work for that moment/person/way you're feeling...

Castalia 05-20-2011 04:30 PM

this has become a very daunting fear of mine, even in our small group of friends (all guys, if it matters) i've rarely spoken about my feelings about non traditional relationships. mostly due to my fiancee getting upset at the topic, this was before my coming out and now he has a much better understanding of everything and has stopped seeing it as a failing of his.
but even if i wasn't hoping for something more with someone, i would worry about scaring them off. it's not a likely possibility with these guys, we're a fairly unusual bunch but still. he has been friends with these guys since childhood, i would hate to ruin that for anyone.

Squibby 05-20-2011 05:05 PM

Ach, 'I like you!' is just as scary as asking someone out.... gah! Shyness is so annoying, I should just get rid of the damn thing. :p

Talking to people IRL about my sexuality has always been a problem for me (though I have persistent and nosy friends helping me in that situation lol). I always feel more awkward (http://eqcomics.com/2009/12/11/the-s...awkward-aaron/) talking about stuff like that, but when it comes to actually being involved with someone, I become strangely totally relaxed. Just wish all the pre-relationship stuff wasn't so scary and potentially damaging of friendships and blaaaah...

nycindie 05-21-2011 04:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Squibby (Post 82524)
Talking to people IRL about my sexuality has always been a problem for me...

Who says you have to talk about your sexuality just to bring up the topic of non-monogamous relationships?

Squibby 05-21-2011 10:59 AM

Ah, no I don't mean sexual preferences or anything like that. I mean being sexual at all. Of all my friends, I'm the only one who has been in a relationship - yet, I'm the one who blushes at the word 'sex' and have a great deal of difficulty talking about relationships or sex with anyone who isn't my boyfriend. Weird, I know.... so bringing up polyamorous relationships in conversation would be very out-of-character for me...

Tonberry 05-21-2011 12:43 PM

You can bring it as "I saw a show on TV"... and talk about it without saying you're that way. Then later use that to come out. If they say something about it being actors or something, you could go "no, actually, I'm like that too". Although it's hard if you're a very private person I guess.
But at the very least you can bring it up as "some people..." and not "we..."


All times are GMT. The time now is 10:55 AM.