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-   -   So Blessed, but Scared Too! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=10023)

Hopeful 05-19-2011 10:56 PM

So Blessed, but Scared Too!
Hi everyone. I've been lurking on these forums for quite some time, and I thought it was time I went ahead and 'fessed up, for two reasons. One, it was because of the people on this forum that I finally got the wherewithal to have "the talk" with my husband of five years and I want to thank you all for your openness and compassion, and two, now that "the talk" has been had, I'm realizing that there's still a lot to fret about!

Here's where I'm at: I don't believe in monogamy. I'm aware that it works for others, but it's not in my opinion the magical "default" state. I don't believe that people have one "soul mate" who completes them in some way; I think instead that there are multiple people in the world who could be ideal mates for any given person, it's just a matter of finding them. That's by no means a judgment on anyone else's life, or a statement of how I think anyone else should live or think. It's just how I feel and have felt about mine.

Anyway. I've felt that way, intellectually, for as long as I've known about sexual relationships, but I've never been in a non-monogamous relationship with anyone I had serious feelings for. Nonetheless, I met my husband 8 years ago and fell madly, head-over-heels in love with him. I still feel that way about him. He is wonderful: supportive, caring, passionate, sexy. I'm one lucky chick. I married him in spite of my misgivings about monogamy, because I suspected that even in the best of all possible worlds, I'd never actually meet anyone else that made me feel like he does.

About five years ago, I met this guy "B" online. Not on a "looking for men" type of site, either, just a random non-relationship-oriented website with a forum where I posted regularly. We started playing WoW together, got together in person a few times and at a certain point a year or so ago I realized that this guy had the potential to be one of those ideal mates I was talking about. And I pushed that down and refused to look at it, because after all, I was married. Happily married even. And happily married people aren't supposed to want a boyfriend, right? Right? :rolleyes:

I knew that I loved my husband, and I didn't know where to put "B" in my brain. And I was terrified of telling my husband what I really wanted (both of them) and being called selfish. I was terrified that I was selfish. "B" knew that I was married from the beginning, and I can look back over our conversations and see a theme of both of us trying to navigate a strong emotional attachment and physical chemistry, with my husband firmly in both our minds, pretending that what we were doing was just being good buddies. I'd been pretending anyway, that I was OK with a monogamous marriage, so this was just more pretending to do. And if I assumed the alternative was losing my husband, it was worth it to me. I even pretended it to myself.

But it weighed on me. I hadn't gone out looking for "strange," but there I was giggling at text messages and flirting discreetly in raid chat (I know, I'm a geek). Turning to "B" for emotional support when my husband wasn't available for whatever reason. And through it all, my husband was absolutely cool with it. I hate to admit it, but I even tried a little to get a jealous reaction out of him, just because I couldn't believe he was really OK with me spending so much time interacting with another man. I wanted to push him into admitting it was bothering him or not, so I could either break it off or not.

Finally, this week, I talked to him - not about "B" specifically, at first, just about my own feelings on intimacy and friendship and love. It turns out husband is having the same feelings, and both of us are laughing a little at ourselves for all the time we worried about hiding it from each other and ourselves. He is also on board with the specific idea of "B" as a part of a V relationship, with the understanding that as my husband he is of course a part of my life that I'm not willing to endanger. I've told him about this site as well, so I won't get into his story because it's his to tell should he de-lurk and introduce himself (hint, hint, honey). ;)

Anyway, I thought for a long time, as I wrestled with whether it was OK to ask my wonderful and beloved husband if we could rethink monogamy, that if I could just start the conversation things would naturally go from there. Once the talk (which has lasted 4 days and is still going on from time to time as we hammer out details and think of new "what ifs") was had, I was in an intense state of bliss. Things with husband were and are giddily happy, as we opened up and finally talked about the elephant in the room.

Now I'm realizing, at some point in the future (not immediately, but reasonably soon) I will have to talk to "B," and I'm all full of nervous (but, honestly, exciting) energy. What if he's not down with this? What if I've been misreading his signals and he's not into me like that? What if he is, but not as one of two men in my life? Oh my. It's fun, especially with my husband as a part of this journey, but it's nervewracking in a way I only vaguely remember dating being pre-marriage.

So yeah, that's my story. I apologize for the wall o' text, but it feels good to get this out. Hi, all. :)

Castalia 05-20-2011 04:03 PM

welcome from a fellow geek:p
i'm new here too but everyone seems really open and kind. your situation is very similar to mine, we started spending a lot of time with a friend of ours while playing d&d:o, and i noticed that we got along really well and have a good time together. i honestly have no idea if its more than that but know that i like spending time with him.
it's great that your husband is handling everything so well. :)

gamerprincess 05-20-2011 04:20 PM

Welcome, Hopeful!

I'm quite the geek as well and though I love gaming, I've never tried WoW because I know I would get hooked really fast. That game consumes people's lives from what I hear.

Anyhow, congrats on getting to that happy place with hubby and best of luck with B!! Hopefully he is receptive to what you want and you can all move forward ;)

Hopeful 05-21-2011 09:32 PM

Thanks! I'm glad to not be the only geek here. ;)

Things are looking better and better all the time. My husband and I were talking things over last night, and he just got this big grin on his face. When I asked him what that was about, he said, "I'm just so happy we can finally be honest like this." Aaaaah...bliss. :D

I'm wondering - I've read on these forums about NRE, and it almost feels like the act of talking about poly with my husband has brought us back to that stage in a way. Or is that something different?

kingtone 05-22-2011 12:02 AM

Welcome Hopeful I hope this forum gives you the advice and or support you need. To answer your question NRE is usually applied to a new relationship, not the current one. Its when you start a new relationship and the new partner kind of makes you feel like a teenager again, giddy, blissfully in love, and excited while your new relationship grows, but if you've got these feelings from your current relationship then great for you and NRE fits well.
If "B" isn't up for being one of two men in your life then that will have to be something he thinks about. If he decides that he can't do it, even though it will be heart breaking for you, try to remember what you said in your original post, that there are many partners out there who can help you find happiness. I would suggest that if he is up for it, taking things in slow steps so that he (and all of you for that matter) can make the transition with out regret or hurt.

Good luck and welcome again

Hopeful 05-22-2011 01:47 AM

Thanks, kingtone! I am keeping that in mind, definitely. And it's a slow process, like any relationship. And like any relationship, it may or may not work out, and it will hurt if it doesn't, but it is what it is. But I hope it works out. :)

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