Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Fireplace (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=21)
-   -   I need some dating advice! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=40988)

learninginTN 02-19-2013 09:59 PM

I need some dating advice!
Although I'm active in the main forums, this question is really unrelated to that, so I thought maybe I'd post here. W has a serious boyfriend and has had some FWB's in the last year. I've had really one FWB in that time, and would love another, or even something LT. Now here's the question: How to best approach a woman that I like, and that I think likes me?

I had met this woman a couple of times superficially through dinners or parties with friends. At a recent Mardi Gras party that we hosted at our home, this woman was there. She kept making eye contact, and we were both somewhat inebriated. Before long, and I'm not sure how all this started, we were making out like horny teenagers whenever we could manage to get ourselves alone. I'm talking serious dry humping, breast-sucking, etc. It's like she was sending off this amazing sexual energy and I could NOT keep my hands off her.

Since that night we've exchanged quite a few texts, mostly small talk, but a little about the open relationship my wife and I have. I'm not good at this kind of thing. How do I move to the next level? I keep wondering if her interest in me is real or if it was just drunken horniness. She is single for 10 years or so following a 5 year marriage, and says she's not currently in a relationship.

BoringGuy 02-19-2013 10:34 PM

She knows you have an open relationship with your wife and she still gives you the time of day? You got everything to gain and nothing to lose. She hasn't run away for the hills screaming "No way", so just ask her in text, "Wanna go on a date?" Also, ask her if she would like to meet your wife sometime, if your wife is up for that of course. That should break the ice.

ManofDiscovery 02-19-2013 10:48 PM

Next time you're texting, just call her up and have a chat. Don't have any specific goals in mind, except just to enjoy a fun, light hearted interaction (although if you find yourself getting into serious stuff at some point, just let the conversation goes where it wants).

Then when the convo reaches a high point, suggest meeting up for a drink.

'I'd like to see you again...next week for a drink would be good - nothing too heavy, nice and chilled. Monday or Thursday is good for me...how does that fit in with you?'

And let her respond.

She may well ask you where you're thinking of, so have somewhere in mind - think logistics in terms of where you and she live, and the kind of place you like to go to. Personally I like to meet girls in a quiet lounge bar where music is playing not too loud, but just loud enough for an atmosphere. Ideally there is a comfy sofa or similar in a corner that we can get cosy together in (or at least a table in the corner where you can sit close to each other at).

Basically you take the lead all the way, without being domineering. Assume that she wants you to do this (she probably does from what you've already said). Many women are interested but won't actually take the lead in sorting out a date, making the first move, going in for the kiss etc...so you have to be willing to take on that responsibility.

learninginTN 02-20-2013 02:06 PM

BoringGuy: You're probably right. I should just ask. She's actually already met my wife on several social occassions, and met her new boyfriend, too, so she knows the deal.

ManofDiscovery: Good stuff. I think maybe my lack of confidence in my dating skills is a big reason I've had fewer FWB's than my wife during our short, open-marriage.

I guess I'm having trouble discerning that fine line between wanting to seem eager yet not TOO eager.

ManofDiscovery 02-20-2013 05:51 PM


Originally Posted by learninginTN (Post 185620)
I guess I'm having trouble discerning that fine line between wanting to seem eager yet not TOO eager.

I think that your real self is always shining through.

You can fool people for a while, but if you're needy, it will become obvious no matter how much you try to pretend otherwise. Conversely, if you're not needy you can do stuff that would normally be perceived as needy and get away with it, because you're not doing it from a place of neediness.

You're only short on confidence here because you're out of practice. Leap back on the horse a few times and you'll be fine ;)

learninginTN 02-22-2013 07:22 PM

The wife and I actually met up with our friends last night at a local bar. This girl I am hot for was there with them, and I actually spent some quality time sitting next to her and chatting. The couple she was with is a couple we've swung with before, and she has had at least one encounter with them (along with a fourth male).

I still haven't managed to pull the trigger with asking her out. I just need to somehow muster the courage. I guess it could happen through getting together with this couple at some point, similar to the foursome she's apparently experienced with them already. But I would also love a good FWB that I could date every now and then.

HappiestManAlive 02-23-2013 09:58 PM

I'm the densest man on earth, and you've got me beat. To say the signs are all there doesn't cover it - you've already passed Go. The only thing missing is a formal "date" - which frankly isn't necessarily required in this instance. Send her a text asking when she's available for dinner. Don't ASK if she'd like to go to dinner, word it just like that - ask when she's available for dinner. You're way passed the "mustering courage" stage, and apparently you're the only one that doesn't know it.

learninginTN 03-01-2013 09:33 PM

Well, I got up the courage, finally. I texted her and told her I'd love to get together sometime and do something fun. She texted back that maybe we could work that out.

JaneQSmythe 03-02-2013 03:03 PM


Originally Posted by HappiestManAlive (Post 186366)
I'm the densest man on earth, and you've got me beat.

>Giant Guffaw erupts from JaneQ< :D

Actually, MrS may be the densest man on earth* - but liTN is coming close. Glad you got up the courage to txt her about this - Good Luck!


*He can NEVER tell when someone is hitting on him. We were out at dinner once and the (very cute) waitress was hitting on him over the course of serving us. "I'm new in town...haven't had a chance to meet many people yet." "Do you know of any good dance clubs in the area?" "I get off in a few hours and still don't know what I am going to do with my evening."

I watch him be all polite and friendly ... and clueless. NO IDEA. As we are walking out I say to him: "What does it take, man? Does she literally have to walk up to you and SAY, 'I think you are cute. I get off work at 5. Will you take me to a dance club?'" - yes, actually, that's EXACTLY what it takes. Jeesh!:D (Of course, I have been teasing him about this episode for the last 10 years - and he is still just as clueless when it happens.)

HappiestManAlive 03-03-2013 05:11 PM

^That's me. Every time. My friends all the way back to Jr. High gave me crap about it. By my Sophomore year in High School, they had a name for it - Theresa Cox Syndrome. Theresa was one of the most sought after girls in school, and I made it all the way to Homecoming without a clue that she had a huge crush on me all year. I missed taking her to Homecoming - and apparently broke her heart in the process - because of this "disorder". It hasn't gotten much better in the 22 years since...

@learninginTN - update us on how that goes!

learninginTN 03-07-2013 08:01 PM

Well, I finally mustered the courage to ask for a specific date, and we had dinner last night. It was so much fun! She laughed and smiled, dressed nicely, and showed me a little cleavage. She asked lots of questions about our lifestyle, and even told me she had been doing some research. She also told me about watching a recent "Rikki Lake" show about polyamory. She talked about her 5-year marriage and subsequent 10 years of being single. She has a few FWB's, but no primary in her life.

When we left the dinner I gave her a hug and a kiss on the lips. She didn't recoil or pull away or anything. In fact, she gave a little smile. I told her I enjoyed having dinner with her, and she replied she had as well.

I hope I can take it to the next level soon. What do you think? Should I invite her out for another dinner, or some other activity, or drinks, or what exactly?

ManofDiscovery 03-07-2013 08:35 PM


Originally Posted by learninginTN (Post 189010)
I hope I can take it to the next level soon. What do you think? Should I invite her out for another dinner, or some other activity, or drinks, or what exactly?

Well done...a bit of courage goes a long way.

You don't need to plan some amazing super date...dinner and/or drinks is fine, preferably with some location you can take her back to afterwards (like your place, or hers).

Go for some drinks, then invite her back to yours to see your fishtank/trainset/stamp collection/parrokeet/collection of classic 70s porn/whatever.

Then when you're there, let nature take its course.

It doesn't have to be any more difficult than that. I like to roughly plan the logistics in advance (where will we meet, where will we go to next, where will we end up, and how we will get there), then lead all the way, so that all she has to do is follow along, and she ends up back at your place.

Of course, if she's not comfortable at any point, she can easily say no - but the key is that she doesn't have to take the lead and force the issue at any point. This is often what happens when girls say things like 'he just swept me off my feet' and 'I don't normally do that sort of thing, but it felt so natural with him'.

You don't have to rigidly stick to your plan. Be flexible enough to adapt should the circumstances warrant it...but it's good to have a default idea of how things are going to go down, then plan your date around it.

ChipPaulson 06-21-2013 11:20 PM


All times are GMT. The time now is 01:54 AM.