New But Trying to Make It Work

wannamakeitwork

New member
Hi all,

I've been reading some of the threads on the forum and they usually really help with my doubts and questions, but for once I felt I should share my own experience.

I have been with my partner for two years now (give or take a short break due to our own doubts about opening up the relationship). This year he broke up with me as he wanted to be poly and I had my doubts. A couple of weeks later I asked him if he would still like for us to do it together and about a month later we were back together, now in a polyamorous relationship. He had not explained to me fully at the time that he was now seeing someone who he had a very strong connection, but even that has become an acknowledged and welcomed fact with me. I have known her before and we get along very well, as we are very similar people.

However, due to the pressure of the demands of two intense lovers, my partner decided he needed some space - a week now. He says he does not want to break up with me or her, but I certainly feel very left behind. His low levels of affection are starting to get to me, specially as I feel like the disengagement is not as much towards his new lover.

I am worried he does not actually have what it takes (time, patience, emotional stability, energy, etc) to make this work. His lover and I have discussed what we want out of life and out of him and our wishes are not contradictory. I want to live in with my partner, eventually in the future think of children, grow old together, all that (something he has initially expressed to want to do too). She is happy not to live with him and she does not want children. She is also OK with spending less time with him (imagine something like he'd spend 3 days with her and 4 with me, or whatever), which I am also happy about. I don't know how I'd feel about less time than that (and certainly less time than with other lovers) but that has to do with my own needs and wants out of the relationship rather than jealousy.

So is this him (and us all) just getting used to things? How long does the accommodation period last? When do you know if it isn't working?

I want to know where I stand so I can also explain to my own lovers and dates how it rolls, how much time I have available, etc.

If someone has any ideas, please let me know!
 
Well, it's only been a week, so you might be reading too much into it. All you can really do is keep talking, with him and other people who understand. Maybe take a look at why you are feeling like this week is so tough for you that you are starting to compare how he is with her to how he is with you. What I mean is that you should start with examining your own feelings and thought processes rather than focusing on what's happening out there with him. Just to start unraveling the discomfort. Do you have a need to be in control and know where things are heading? If that is the case, then when things are unpredictable it is easy to feel disoriented and negative.
 
Hi Wanna Make It,

Just wanted to say welcome to our forum. I think you're doing fine so far; you're communicating with his lover, etc.

I would straight up ask your partner how much more space he needs. Tell him you feel left behind. Point out that it's been a week so far. Has he stopped contact with you altogether? What is the nature of this space that he's taking?

It sounds like he's been a little distant toward you. Do you know for sure what's going on right now with him and this other lady? Good communication usually requires specifics, so make sure you ask specifically for what you want/need when you talk to him.

I think you'll know if it isn't working. It will be pretty obvious. Don't be too quick to give up on things without doing a lot of communicating (with both him and her).

Each person is different, and each relationship is different. You may find that you're better at managing your time/energy than your partner has been. And he may get better at this over time.

Hope that helps a little.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
thank you both for the kind replies.

the problem with my partner is that he (ironically the one who wished to go into polyamory) is not the best communicator. his "meltdown" was due partially due to life stresses (job, money, etc) and partly due to having two people demanding him to communicate and express his affections, his commitment and put in the time. could this be a sign that he is not the right person to enter polyamory? is this just his own adjustment?

he never had problems being affectionate and caring and passionate, but he always has this 2 months a year in which he becomes detached. he calls it "becoming bored of being with the same person" - reason why he expressed the wish for us to become polyamorous. now i am wondering if the root of the problem isn't really the multiplicity of people, but his own issues.

he seems to be ok again, showing affection and even telling one of our friends (who then secretly told me) that he loves me and that he likes this person he is seeing but it isn't the same. it made me wonder if somehow some problem he might be having w her spilled over and that is why he collapsed last week.

if you have any further ideas on this, please let me know. I am getting in touch with some people in the poly community where i live (specially through okcupid) which is great because i get to exchange ideas, and obviously meet potential new partners.

the funny thing in the end is that, i was the one who thought i could not do polyamory and here i am, enjoying the experience, being out there, meeting people, etc. i still am not sure if i could have significant others besides my partner (that is, lovers who are more than just friends and sex) but that remains to be seen.
 
Re:
"The problem with my partner is that he (ironically the one who wished to go into polyamory) is not the best communicator. His 'meltdown' was due partially due to life stresses, and partly due to having two people demanding him to communicate and express his affections, his commitment and put in the time. Could this be a sign that he is not the right person to enter polyamory?"

I'd say that being "communication-challenged" makes polyamory more difficult, but not impossible. You'll have to find some middle ground here. Try to be aware of his "handicap" and not demand too much communication of him, but at the same time he should be trying to push himself to communicate a little bit more.

Re:
"He never had problems being affectionate and caring and passionate, but he always has this 2 months a year in which he becomes detached. He calls it 'becoming bored of being with the same person' -- reason why he expressed the wish for us to become polyamorous. Now I am wondering if the root of the problem isn't really the multiplicity of people, but his own issues."

That's very possible. Finding a new person to "fill up the boredom gap" isn't much of a reason to go poly, especially if the only thing that will fill the gap is NRE (New Relationship Energy). How would that make the new person feel, to know that they're only there to "ease the boredom?"

Re:
"I am getting in touch with some people in the poly community where I live, which is great because I get to exchange ideas, and obviously meet potential new partners."

That should help a lot.

I think you probably just need more time to get things figured out. Be sure to let your partner know you need him to try to be as communicative as he can.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
thanks for that - it is definitely reassuring in many ways.

Can I also ask:

- Is there a point in which you know you are (or are not) cut out for it?

You see, since I was not the one to come up with the idea, and because I decided to give it a go as (once broken up) I still felt comfortable being with other people as with my partner (with who, albeit broken up, I was on occasion with as well).

Ultimately, it is not the being with other people that is difficult, but the dealing with my partner being with someone else or not being with me. For instance, I am hosting a party to which I invited his lover (as mentioned, also a friend of mine), who told me she'd only be ok coming if she could also be with him to a degree. I can understand her point, but I don't know how I will react. I can deal with a kiss on the sly, something subtle like that, but the idea of them being affectionate in front of me is honestly hard to digest (in fact it is nauseating). Is it because I am new to this? Is it jealousy? Will it go away/be managed with time? Ultimately, when will I know?

When his birthday comes around in a few months time, how can we deal with this as both os us will undoubtedly be there. I am the "primary" partner, but she doesn't like the term. Should we erase such distinctions at all? If he is not in love with her (nor me with anyone else) should this not be the terminology for the time being? And if so, in circumstances like these do I have "priority" (i.e.: in common events, my partner and I are a/the couple and our lovers are at that point more peripheral)?

I want to make this work but not at the cost of my happiness, obviously. When will I know that it is no longer us dealing with the natural jealousy triggers, and just me that isn't cut for it?

Sorry for the long post, but these feel like the quintessential questions that keep popping into my head. Your feedback is sincerely appreciated (in fact it makes my life much easier and me, consequently, much happier - thanks a million in advance)
 
You see, since I was not the one to come up with the idea, and because I decided to give it a go as (once broken up) I still felt comfortable being with other people as with my partner (with who, albeit broken up, I was on occasion with as well).

Sorry should also read:

"sometimes I feel like I forced myself into this position because I love him, even if in all likeliness (if I can recall correctly) that is not exactly the truth. I am probably overhtinking."
 
Re (from Post #6):
"Is there a point at which you know you are (or are not) cut out for it?"

Probably not ... It's just a judgment call you have to make based on the circumstances. I think most people are able to "do poly," but it might be harder for some than for others.

Re (from Post #6):
"I can deal with a kiss on the sly, something subtle like that, but the idea of them being affectionate in front of me is honestly hard to digest (in fact it is nauseating). Is it because I am new to this? Is it jealousy? Will it go away/be managed with time? Ultimately, when will I know?"

Not easily answered questions ... You'll have to make the call on if you can give it more time (or on when you've had enough). If it's any comfort, there's others who've been in a similar situation as yours, and found that it did get easier over time. If it does get easier, it's a slow process. I suppose jealousy's as good a word for it as any. Part of managing it is figuring out what's at the root of those emotions. Another part is figuring out where your boundaries are. Perhaps "seeing the occasional kiss" is going to continue to be a hard limit for you. It's okay to ask your partner for that, even though he could turn out to have some conflicting boundary. You have to communicate about these things.

Re (from Post #6):
"I am the 'primary' partner, but she doesn't like the term. Should we erase such distinctions at all?"

There's lots of disagreements about whether "primary/secondary" terminology should be used. Some people say yes, others say no. You shouldn't feel "pushed into" going either way, as your relationships are as unique as you are. How do *you* feel about it? Is being a primary partner important for you? or would you rather all the partnerships be equal? Keep in mind, if you've been around for awhile and this other person's brand-new, that's one argument for why you might be considered a primary.

You also have to make your own decisions as to what "primary" means to you; people have all kinds of ways they define it. I'd say the key thing here is to make sure you and your ("primary") partner are on the same page about what the word means/will mean to you as a dyad/couple.

Re (from Post #6):
"When will I know that it is no longer us dealing with the natural jealousy triggers, and just me that isn't cut out for it?"

There, too, is a question with no easy answer. It might take you a year (or more) to come to that conclusion, or it might come to you in a week (or less). Just make sure you give it what *you* feel is a fair shake.

Sorry, I know I'm probably not giving you the concrete picture you were hoping for. So many of these things are dependent on the unique individuals involved, there's not always one way it's "supposed to go."

It's probably safe to advise you to give things some time; don't let the "panic button" get to you. If you reach a point where you really need to call it quits, you'll probably be 100% sure about it and won't have to ask. Keep trying if you think there's a realistic chance you still can. But as I said, don't be afraid to ask for things that for you are wants or boundaries. Sometimes the other person can say yes, sometimes not. But it's always okay to ask. Try to figure out what *you* need in order for it to work. It's okay to have some jealous feelings; almost everyone (whether monogamous or polyamorous) has them from time to time.
 
I think most people are able to "do poly," but it might be harder for some than for others.

Interesting linguistic shift there--people can "do poly", in that they can actively try to make it work, and yet some people see themselves as "being poly". I wonder if the difference there is applicable to situations like this one, where the OP is asking herself if she's cut out for this? Some people know, more or less, where they stand; some people have to ask, and that's fine too.

FWIW, I'd fall into "being poly". It's just natural to me. I only get upset when I'm left out, not when other people are included. I suppose having seen that distinction since I figured out this "love" thing is also a bit of a sign. ;) But there are ways to cope and to handle this if you need/want to "do poly", and in the end, we all have to decide to act on our desires.
 
Wannamakeitwork,
I think some good questions to ask yourself are:
"What do I want from my relationship?"
"Is this relationship, as it is right now, good for me?" [If yes, great; if not, then why not? What would have to change?]
"Am I able to freely express who I am and what I'm about in this relationship?"
"Am I able to get what I need from this relationship?" [If you are, great; if not, then how can you make sure you do get what you want?]
"Why did I agree to a polyamorous arrangement?"
"How will polyamory benefit me?"
"What are the pros and cons of this polyamorous situation, for me?"​
 
"Is this relationship, as it is right now, good for me?" [If yes, great; if not, then why not? What would have to change?]
"Am I able to freely express who I am and what I'm about in this relationship?"
"Am I able to get what I need from this relationship?" [If you are, great; if not, then how can you make sure you do get what you want?]
"Why did I agree to a polyamorous arrangement?"
"How will polyamory benefit me?"
"What are the pros and cons of this polyamorous situation, for me?"[/INDENT]

- Yes, I believe (so far) that I am making a good choice in "going" polyamorous
- I am free to express it, but the reaction (albeit not necessarily an argumentative one) is often of upset. As mentioned my partner is not a great communicator and feels very burdened by all the constant discussions on feelings/wants/needs/etc
- So far I am, yes. However, there are things I want in the future which I still fear my partner won't give to me. This is naturally not a result of poly, rather of his character and was already present when we were monogamous.
- Ha, that's a good question. To this day I am still not sure if it was merely because "breaking up is hard to do" or because I truly and deeply believe that polyamory could be the thing for me. As mentioned earlier, this wasn't my idea of how our relationship was/should develop. This said I have been having fun and till now we are making it work, despite the bumps on the road.
- Well, it will benefit me inasmuch as 1. I am free to explore my sexuality and perhaps even my own boundaries vis a vis loving someone/more than one person, and 2. my partner has expressed the sentiment that now that he is free to pursuit sexual and caring relationships with other people too he truly feels he can cope with the domesticity that our relationship (and the future we envision for it - i.e.: housing, children, etc) entails. Is the latter a benefit or a compromise (I open the relationship, he commits fully)? Ideas on this point are welcome.
- The pros are above. The cons are the jealousy, the fear of abandonment that is still prevalent, the fear of STD's, my craving for a domestic life which could perhaps be jeopardized by someone else's wish to do the same with him (again, my fears that I am not a/the priority come into play), etc - are these the symptoms of all poly newbies? Are they signs? Again, insight welcome.

P.S.: How important in a polyamorous relationship is fluid bonding (besides the health question, obviously)? My partner and his lover have been doing it recently and I got a bit upset. I wasn't sure if this was just my concerns about health and safety or if it was mostly my reaction to them doing it after only seeing each other for a couple of months. I'm alright with it now - we are all getting tested and he has assured me that for him this is not a big deal - but I still wonder about it every once in a while. Is this a totally subjective matter?
 
Re:
"As mentioned my partner is not a great communicator and feels very burdened by all the constant discussions on feelings/wants/needs/etc."

Make sure your partner understands that you know the extra communication is tough on him. Make sure he also understands that you need him to push out of his "comfort zone envelope" as much as he can. Take a step back and don't "push" quite as much for communication, but see if he will "push" for it a little more than what he's used to on his own. This way, you're both compromising a little for each other.

Re:
"Is the latter a benefit or a compromise (I open the relationship, he commits fully)? Ideas on this point are welcome."

I'd say it was a compromise if it was as simple as that, but you did mention your freedom to explore your sexuality and perhaps even your own boundaries vis-à-vis loving someone/more than one person, so there you're getting a second benefit, depending on how signficant you feel that benefit is.

Re:
"The cons are the jealousy, the fear of abandonment that is still prevalent, the fear of STD's, my craving for a domestic life which could perhaps be jeopardized by someone else's wish to do the same with him (again, my fears that I am not a/the priority come into play), etc. -- Are these the symptoms of all poly newbies? Are they signs? Again, insight welcome."

They are symptoms of poly newbies and poly old hats. They are legitimate concerns, and should be addressed. The STD thing is a big deal; safe sex practices are paramount to the rules you and your partner follow.

Re:
"How important in a polyamorous relationship is fluid bonding (besides the health question, obviously)?"

Oh, I think it's very subjective. Some people crave fluid bonding, others, not so much. I think it's wise to get a clean bill of health from everyone before proceeding with fluid bonding.
 
He had not explained to me fully at the time that he was now seeing someone who he had a very strong connection

How important in a polyamorous relationship is fluid bonding

I'm wondering, did you discuss fluid bonding before it happened? Or were you simply told about it afterwards?

What are your agreements (if any) when it comes to checking things in advance? Since it seems that the whole relationship with the other woman was revealed to you after the fact, I can imagine that you are nervous about what might be happening in the future, and what, if any, chance you will have to influence the course of events.
 
Back
Top