fiftyeight
New member
I posted previously about starting an open relationship with a girl.
I am encountering my second challenge at the moment, and it is related to managing STDs and setting rules about them.
I am quite strict when it comes to these things, and the girl I am in an open relationship with is, I would say, of average carefulness.
She slept with two guys in the past month, we do not have any rules about STDs at this point. When she slept with the first guy I asked if she used protection, if there was any penis-vagina contact with no condom,
I also asked her to talk to the guy and ask him if he has any STDs (I asked her that after they already had sex, she and that guy are friends).
She indeed asked the person and he was apparently a bit offended and she feels it hurt their relationship in some way. He did answer that he has no STDs, but he didn't do any tests apparently and is going to do tests.
The second guy was apparently a short encounter, they were both quite drunk and it lasted only several seconds as far as I understand.
They did use a condom. However, she didn't ask him whether he has STDs.
I asked her to talk to him and ask him whether he has any STDs (again, after they already had sex).
This time she seems quite reluctant to do it, and she doesn't really know when she'll see him again. I asked that she does it in person, though maybe I should take it back. My rationale was that he is less likely to lie when she asks him in person. For example, in SMS messages, he'll have time to think, and then he might say to himself "if I tell her I have STDs, she won't sleep with me again", and then he might lie and tell her he has none (maybe I'm too cynical? but some people are dicks I guess).
She had some opportunities to ask him when she saw him, but forgot to ask him. Now she doesn't really know when she'll see him again, and to tell the truth I am a bit concsious about having sex when I know she slept with a guy and didn't ask him whether he has any STDs.
Ideally, she would ask before she has sex, so she can judge for herself whether she wants to take the risk. I did tell her now that I think it's smarter if she asks before sex, and she seems to be on board.
But I am still thinking what to do about this one occurence (the second guy, whom she didn't ask about STDs), should I just forget about it and take the risk? I mean it was only one encounter and they used a condom. I really don't want to remind her about it a thousand times, it has already been made clear that it is important to me that she asks him. I can just set a line in the sand and say I don't want to have sex until she asks him, but I feel pretty bad witholding sex from her, as I didn't make it clear beforehand that she should ask and she doesn't really deserve being "punished" in this way.
I can also ask her to give me some latest date by which asks him (and have sex until that time).
In my head I am pretty conscious about the whole thing, and wouldn't be enjoying the sex as much.
The main STD I am concerned about is AIDS.
I am just looking for any advice on how to manage these things.
Thanx everyone
I am encountering my second challenge at the moment, and it is related to managing STDs and setting rules about them.
I am quite strict when it comes to these things, and the girl I am in an open relationship with is, I would say, of average carefulness.
She slept with two guys in the past month, we do not have any rules about STDs at this point. When she slept with the first guy I asked if she used protection, if there was any penis-vagina contact with no condom,
I also asked her to talk to the guy and ask him if he has any STDs (I asked her that after they already had sex, she and that guy are friends).
She indeed asked the person and he was apparently a bit offended and she feels it hurt their relationship in some way. He did answer that he has no STDs, but he didn't do any tests apparently and is going to do tests.
The second guy was apparently a short encounter, they were both quite drunk and it lasted only several seconds as far as I understand.
They did use a condom. However, she didn't ask him whether he has STDs.
I asked her to talk to him and ask him whether he has any STDs (again, after they already had sex).
This time she seems quite reluctant to do it, and she doesn't really know when she'll see him again. I asked that she does it in person, though maybe I should take it back. My rationale was that he is less likely to lie when she asks him in person. For example, in SMS messages, he'll have time to think, and then he might say to himself "if I tell her I have STDs, she won't sleep with me again", and then he might lie and tell her he has none (maybe I'm too cynical? but some people are dicks I guess).
She had some opportunities to ask him when she saw him, but forgot to ask him. Now she doesn't really know when she'll see him again, and to tell the truth I am a bit concsious about having sex when I know she slept with a guy and didn't ask him whether he has any STDs.
Ideally, she would ask before she has sex, so she can judge for herself whether she wants to take the risk. I did tell her now that I think it's smarter if she asks before sex, and she seems to be on board.
But I am still thinking what to do about this one occurence (the second guy, whom she didn't ask about STDs), should I just forget about it and take the risk? I mean it was only one encounter and they used a condom. I really don't want to remind her about it a thousand times, it has already been made clear that it is important to me that she asks him. I can just set a line in the sand and say I don't want to have sex until she asks him, but I feel pretty bad witholding sex from her, as I didn't make it clear beforehand that she should ask and she doesn't really deserve being "punished" in this way.
I can also ask her to give me some latest date by which asks him (and have sex until that time).
In my head I am pretty conscious about the whole thing, and wouldn't be enjoying the sex as much.
The main STD I am concerned about is AIDS.
I am just looking for any advice on how to manage these things.
Thanx everyone