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vertiginoushigh 12-15-2013 03:50 PM

Is this the right environment for polyamory?
 
Hi there, I'm Charlotte and I'm completely new to polyamory. I am pretty young still so that's hardly surprising. I was in a monogamous relationship with somebody in the past who was extremely jealous and controlling and even sometimes abusive. When I finally cast off my shackles and kicked him out of my life, I discovered a lot of things about myself including the fact that I don't want a jealous or even monogamous relationship.

Now, a little while down the line I'm in a relationship with a wonderful man. We are both free to date outside the relationship but neither of us have very much so far because we've been so wrapped up in one another. The first time he strayed outside the relationship it was difficult for me, I did feel jealous, but I overcame it and now me and this other woman are close friends and they continue to see each other occasionally. I'm aware that what I'm in now is not a polyamorous relationship, I'm just providing background.

Recently I met a wonderful woman. I've had one girlfriend before but it wasn't a huge success. For me, this was the first time really falling in love with a woman. She's really smart, funny, sweet and beautiful. I really really love being around her. I told her straight away about my boyfriend and our situation, and told my boyfriend about her. He was completely happy for me to pursue a more intimate connection with this woman, but she was a little hesitant.

She's since told me that she has feelings for me, and twice invited me to her place for sex. Both times I've said no because I think she's misunderstanding my intentions. I definitely see this woman as more than a quick fuck. I really care for her and the more I get to know her the stronger I feel. I would really like to begin a polyamorous relationship between me, her and my boyfriend but because I care about them both so much I'm not sure how to approach it, or even if it's right for them. I want to get it right.

If feel like this would be a great thing for me. What do you think, polyamorous people? Am I ready? Should I try? Am I way off? Please be honest.

Emm 12-15-2013 04:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vertiginoushigh (Post 254426)
I'm aware that what I'm in now is not a polyamorous relationship, I'm just providing background.

Why would you classify it as non-poly? Are the two of them not romantically or sexually involved anymore?

Quote:

Originally Posted by vertiginoushigh (Post 254426)
He was completely happy for me to pursue a more intimate connection with this woman, but she was a little hesitant.

One possible reason she may be a little hesitant about becoming involved with you is the concern that you only come as part of a package deal. Perhaps if you explain that she doesn't have to get together with your boyfriend just to be with you she'll be more receptive.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vertiginoushigh (Post 254426)
I would really like to begin a polyamorous relationship between me, her and my boyfriend but because I care about them both so much I'm not sure how to approach it, or even if it's right for them.

Do you have any reason to believe they're interested in each other?

vertiginoushigh 12-15-2013 04:32 PM

Hi there, thank you for responding so quickly and helpfully. As to (1)

1) I personally wouldn't lass it as poly because there's no serious emotional attachment between them. I would just say that we're in an open relationship and she's the...ahem..."extra curricular" partner for him right now. Both of them have said to me, I believe honestly and in private, that although they like each other and enjoy their time together, there's nothing more there. If there was, however, I'd be completely happy and they both know it.

2) That is a really good point. I never thought of that. I will explain that to her.

3) No, I don't think they are. My boyfriend and this girl (are we allowed to use names?) get along really well and like each other as friends, but I don't think they'd be interested in having a sexual relationship with each other. I don't really know.

Emm 12-15-2013 04:43 PM

You can use names if you want, but you only have a 12-hour window in which to rush back and edit your post if you change your mind or realise you've posted something a little too identifiable. Most people choose to use made-up names or initials. I prefer made-up names as initials tend to become difficult to follow after a while.

I had an "Ah-Ha!" moment with point #2 a few months after getting into my first poly relationship. My boyfriend was having terrible trouble finding another partner until he started making it clear that he was looking for himself alone. I'm not bi, so the idea that potential girlfriends might think they had to be involved with me to be involved with him took a while to sneak up on me.

vertiginoushigh 12-15-2013 04:51 PM

Yeah that makes sense about initials but unfortunately everybody in this story has the same one xD

Anyway, never mind. You seem to know what you're talking about when it comes to these things. I would really appreciate (and actually listen to :p) any advice you have to offer. Do you think that the time and situation is right? Do you think perhaps I'm a little too young? (I'm 21, she's 22, he's 24). I've learned to be wary of things I want this much :p

Nadya 12-15-2013 04:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vertiginoushigh (Post 254439)
1) I personally wouldn't lass it as poly because there's no serious emotional attachment between them. I would just say that we're in an open relationship and she's the...ahem..."extra curricular" partner for him right now. Both of them have said to me, I believe honestly and in private, that although they like each other and enjoy their time together, there's nothing more there. If there was, however, I'd be completely happy and they both know it.

To me, this kind of situation would qualify as poly. I do not think that the depth of the emotional involvement is a key. They like each other and have sex together... I would consider that a relationship. But I have no authority to define your relationship for you, of course.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vertiginoushigh (Post 254439)
2) That is a really good point. I never thought of that. I will explain that to her.

I agree with Emm about this. It is way easier to start a relationship with one person than with a pre-existing couple.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vertiginoushigh (Post 254439)
3) No, I don't think they are. My boyfriend and this girl (are we allowed to use names?) get along really well and like each other as friends, but I don't think they'd be interested in having a sexual relationship with each other. I don't really know.

It is a common practise to choose some kind of names for the people involved (see signatures, mine and other's), that makes the discussion easier. Just not tell their real names, to secure anonymity.

If your BF and your new interest already like each other as friends, it is a big plus, IMO. More than that is not needed, and actually friendship between metamours is not necessary, either. Being civil and polite is enough.

Edit: I notice Emm types much faster than me :)

Emm 12-15-2013 05:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vertiginoushigh (Post 254446)
Yeah that makes sense about initials but unfortunately everybody in this story has the same one xD

You should see how confusing it gets when someone insists on using the initial "I".

"My partner and I went to see a movie". Does that mean "My partner and I", or My partner and his other partner, I"?

On that note, I think I've now conclusively proven that I should have gone to bed a couple of hours ago. It's getting late over here and I've started to babble.

vertiginoushigh 12-15-2013 05:15 PM

Oh no, 'I' is a NIGHTMARE xD I hadn't thought of that.

Your responses they seem encouraging. I guess all that's left for me to do is sit down with both of them together and ask. I will be sure to mention that a relationship between the two of them is not necessary.

Thank you both so much, I was in need of guidance. I don't know anybody else who is poly and I was feeling a little lost.

Anybody who wants to weigh in with their opinion, I'd love to hear all of them :)

kdt26417 12-15-2013 09:02 PM

Greetings Charlotte,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I see no reason you can't try on this new polyamorous relationship. You're not too young. Just stick to your plan, and keep reading and posting on Polyamory.com, as it will help you gain new insights. Of course you must realize that every romance comes with a level of risk, and polyamory is no exception. I just happen to think the risk is worth it, that's all.

Your boyfriend's relationship with his girlfriend seems to be in the gray area between poly and swing. You could probably call it either and be both right and wrong. :) Usually poly people can at least say, "We're officially in love," but there's also a fine line between swing and poly and the two often overlap.

Hope you'll enjoy your stay amongst us.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

GalaGirl 12-15-2013 10:43 PM

Welcome!

Quote:

She's since told me that she has feelings for me, and twice invited me to her place for sex. Both times I've said no because I think she's misunderstanding my intentions. I definitely see this woman as more than a quick fuck. I really care for her and the more I get to know her the stronger I feel. I would really like to begin a polyamorous relationship between me, her and my boyfriend but because I care about them both so much I'm not sure how to approach it, or even if it's right for them. I want to get it right.
So... are you wanting to practice a "V" shape model where you are the only hinge "shared sweetie" person?

Or are you wanting it to be a "triad" shape model where everyone is a "shared sweetie" to the other 2? In essence -- practicing 3 V's at the same time?

You have been open so far with both. So if you want to see if they are willing to practice a polyship with you, you could ask them if they are willing/able to go there. Just get clear on WHAT model you are trying to describe so all are on the same page and HOW you want to treat each other while in it. Everyone could choose for themselves what they are willing/not willing to participate in.

I don't know if this helps -- open relationship models. It's basically DIY -- you all figure out what you want to practice. But maybe having some more vocab could help you figure it out?

Galagirl


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