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-   -   My husband says he thinks he's poly! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2602)

dazedandconfused 04-21-2010 08:16 PM

My husband says he thinks he's poly!
Hello All-

My husband of 24 years has recently been telling me that he believes he is poly. I don't really know what to do with this. However, I have been really understanding and he has not sexually acted on this as of yet. He and I really love one an another and have children that are almost up and out. I have told him I don't know where I am at with all of this. I am growing a lot right now and expanding myself and questioning a lot of my beliefs. I don't know if I am interested in this lifestyle. I have never been with a woman nor do I know if I would like to be. I think some of this has to do with the fact that I do not have any really really close friends that are women. Quite frankly, my closest friend is my hubby. However, when the issues that arise are with him or our relationship, it makes it difficult to sometimes navigate.

I would really love for our marriage to last and I think he would too. I don't know how I feel about all of this, but I do know that I could not handle being any kind of secondary and would likely have to be included or I would get jealous.

There are so many issues that come up for me with this from the jealous to the practical. Just having to use birth control, condoms and worry about STD's sends me a bit over the edge as I have not had to deal with these issues in many years.

Does anyone out there have any guidance or advise for me? Any insight would be appreciated.


MonoVCPHG 04-21-2010 08:24 PM

Just a quick question...why does he think he is poly? Has he developed and interest in some one already? How did he become aware of "poly"?

dazedandconfused 04-21-2010 08:52 PM

He did have some interest in a woman some months back, but as he got to know her more I think he is more into a friendship with her. He has always fallen easily, I guess. We were married very young and I have been his only partner. I think it is perhaps something he has felt for a long time but it is coming to the surface more now due to kids almost being raised, etc.

LovingRadiance 04-21-2010 08:56 PM

My first piece of advice is to take a deep breath.

My second is to really consider what you WOULD be willing/interested/able to do/be in life. Not what you think you can't handle.

I say this because when we focus on the negative-we create more negativity. When we focus on the positive, we create more positivity. There are other threads on this so I won't elaborate here.

My third is go pick up Opening Up. It's not a GREAT book in my opinion. But it has one feature-if you read nothing else-that IS GREAT for where you are right now.
That is-it lists TONS of different details that should be considered before opening up your marriage in any manner. It goes over all sorts of details you might not think of and very thoroughly.
THAT is very helpful for my next piece of advice. :)

My fourth piece of advice is to start working on a boundary agreement. That is-a RIGHT NOW we agree to these limits/privileges, ending with "and we agree to re-address these for possible changes/updates monthly for the next year.

Please feel free to ask more detailed/specific questions.
Good luck!

GroundedSpirit 04-21-2010 09:03 PM

Hi Dazed,

Well, first off I'd recommend education - for yourself - and with him if possible - on the various flavors of non-monogamous relationships. Particularly the differences often perceived between "swinging" and "polyamory".

See if you can find out if his feelings are primarily driven from a sexual direction. I (we) are from the camp that "sex is just sex". It's not the ONLY camp. Kept in proper perspective it's potentially harmless and can add some spice to long running relationships. If that turns out to be the case you may experiment with "swinging" first to test the waters.

It sounds like your relationship itself is good - and solid (your side so far) and if in fact that is true then you two should be able to "team up" and explore some things together safely. You can limit your own personal (sexual)involvement to whatever you are comfortable with and be together with him to share his enjoyment and fantasies.

A lot of people will tell you it moved their relationship to a whole new level !

Feel free to throw out questions here. There's good people here from all possible walks of life with broad experience. More than likely whatever bridge you are thinking crossing - someone else is already on the other side :)


LovingRadiance 04-21-2010 09:11 PM

Education is a life saver for sure! There are TONS or threads on here with WEALTHS of information about what to do and what not to do. :)

Also there are threads with book suggestions and threads with links to other helpful sites too. (check out the 'general' forum it's really full of info).

And I can say for sure-moving into a polyamorous relationship changed our marriage for the better in SO MANY WAYS. ;)

MonoVCPHG 04-21-2010 09:23 PM

Then there is also the other beneficial side...have you considered the idea of having a boyfriend? There could be a lot of excitement in this for you as well remember :)

NeonKaos 04-21-2010 11:41 PM


Originally Posted by dazedandconfused (Post 27204)
I don't know if I am interested in this lifestyle. I have never been with a woman nor do I know if I would like to be. I think some of this has to do with the fact that I do not have any really really close friends that are women.

Polyamory is not synonymous with bisexuality.

You, yourself, do not have to have sex with or "be with" another woman.

I'm sensing that there is some expectation of threesomes and/or mutual girlfriend(s). You didn't say so but the way your sentence comes across, it's as though you take it as a given that you are "supposed to" be involved with other women in order to "be polyamorous".

Nothing could be further from the reality.

Do not let anyone pressure you into doing something you do not want to do.

idealist 04-22-2010 04:34 AM


Originally Posted by dazedandconfused (Post 27204)
I think some of this has to do with the fact that I do not have any really really close friends that are women. Quite frankly, my closest friend is my hubby.

Welcome!!! Have you thought about why you don't have any woman friends? Maybe that would be something valuable to work on. When life gets difficult or complicated, one of the best things we can do (in my opinion) is focus on our own personal needs. We all need support from peers. This forum will offer a lot of support, for sure, but also- developing some friendships with other woman might be really rewarding for you.....just a thought.....

dazedandconfused 04-23-2010 02:45 AM

I totally appreciate your comments on focusing on what I can/am willing to do or be involved with. I agree with this that positivity begets more positivity. The book is a good sugggestion too. My hubby has a book that I have not yet read, but am planning to.

We have discussed some boundries, but the negotian is challenging to say the least. Partly because I don't really know what I am okay with. However, we are still working on this and are not leaping into too much just as yet.

I am really struggling to figure out what I am feeling. This is probably one of the biggest challenges in my life. Part of the challenge is that I have a lot of other difficult things in my life. Aging parents, a child moving away, recent family deaths. So sometimes I feel really lost in all this.

Thank you so very much for your response and willingness to listen.

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