how to avoid the un-ethical sluts

LittleTiger

New member
This is probably a really basic question, but when I meet a new person, how do I know that they are really single and/or poly, and not just cheating!?

I'm new to poly, only dating one girl now (I'm bi-female) and she recently had an experience that got me thinking about this question. she met this guy that she really connected with at a party. The next day she finds out he lives in England.. and is married! (not open marriage either) She's still emailing him, just as friends, but I can tell the way she talks, she's really into him. and I feel like telling her to forget about this married dude who lives on another continent! But I think that's something she needs to figure out for herself (right?)

Also it made me wonder, how this situation could be prevented, or how I would have acted. It's easy for me to say, well I would have told him, "I'm only into dating people whose partners are totally on board with the poly thing, goodbye," although that does seems harsh, I don't like people who barely know me to make judgements about my life and my intensions. Also I understand once you have strong feelings for someone it can be hard to think clearly or let go (NRE)! Seems better to figure out someone's relationship status up front, but how do you really know, unless you meet their partners, which you only know exist if they tell you, which they might not, see what I mean?

Asking direct questions seems good first step, that way they have to lie to your face, which many people will not do (but if you don't ask, they don't tell!) but still I'm not even sure what to ask. Do you have a wife or girlfriend? covers lots of situations, but maybe he has a boyfriend! or a "friend with benefits" who thinks she is exclusive with him. I don't want to fall for someone who is unavailable (as my friend seems to have done) or for someone who turns out to be lying to me, or to another girl. How do you experienced poly people avoid this? Or is it not really a problem very much?

p.s. just realize this should be in "New to Poly" and not "Introductions" category, if someone can move that would be great. sorry!
 
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My wife (Tonberry) and I had a good approach to how to make sure any potential partners know that it's okay, that being that we make sure they get to meet us. So just reverse that rule and ask when you're going to get to meet their partner if they're in an open relationship. If they say they don't want you to... chances are that there's a reason and that reason might be the relationship isn't as open as they claim.
 
I moved the discussion.

I expect anybody whom I'm going to date to meet my wife, just to make certain it's understood my wife does know and that I'm not looking to cheat on her or replace her or any other silliness.

I don't assume any woman who's involved elsewhere will want me to meet her other involvements early on. I look for warning signs--only wants me to call the cell and not the home phone, only calls me from someplace away from home or when alone at home, doesn't want me to call her at home, doesn't want me to know about plans they've made (for fear I might attend the same event?) and so forth. A set of warning signs and lack of meeting the other involvements is a sign for me to walk on.
 
I don't assume any woman who's involved elsewhere will want me to meet her other involvements early on. I look for warning signs--only wants me to call the cell and not the home phone, only calls me from someplace away from home or when alone at home, doesn't want me to call her at home, doesn't want me to know about plans they've made (for fear I might attend the same event?) and so forth. A set of warning signs and lack of meeting the other involvements is a sign for me to walk on.

Great advice.
 
I have found over time I pick up on the signs. After dating so long now in the open marriage I can pretty much pick up when they are being dishonest. And if I have the least bit of doubt I always say "I'll need to meet your wife before we can see each other regularly" or if they claim to be single, then I just watch their habits and observe for a while before I get serious. It does get easy to pick up on, which I wish the men would learn.
 
I like the advice given so far... I have been stung with this one.

My husband and I dated a man that claimed his wife knew for about 6 months. It turns out she thought he was just having casual sex, but he had fallen in love with me. he tried to get me to continue behind her back and with many concessions and disagreed with it and said he had to tell her. He did and broke contact from me immediately. Or she did, on his behalf, I don't know.

It sucked and I still have a bit of a sting in my heart over it. I will never do that again. I will always ask to speak with a partner first now as a result and before anything goes beyond flirting.
 
My relationships tend to evolve slowly, starting with friendship, then lots of talking, and so on. Usually talking every day or close to, for up to hours at a time. I think if they lived with a partner they'd have a hard time hiding it or hiding me from them.

And as Rag said, we ourselves are very upfront so that there is no risk of them thinking we're cheating (I don't think anyone who knows me thinks I'm single so no risk of that either).
 
This is making me think of something one of my bi female friends complained about. She identifies as bi, but I've known her to mostly have female partners.

She says she is up front about everything when she has a steady female partner in her life, but that most guys she sees doesn't think her relationship with a female can possibly be a serious one. They tend to think she is just playing at the bi part and once her emotions get involved, she will just naturally gravitate to a mono relationship with the guy. Or that he will get to be with them both with he and her taking a front role and her female partner as an aside.
 
Vinccenzo that is so true, I mean I haven't experienced that myself but can see how many straight, mono guys not educated in LGBT or poly culture could have that attitude.

RedPepper I am sad to hear that you got burned with this. Likewise it's good for me to hear that other people don't always get this right, so maybe I don't have to be so freaked out about making a mistake. I really appreciate the honesty on this forum!

Tonberry, I'm having a mental image of your friend trying to hide you in the closet or under the rug, lol. You're totally right that a live-in partner is hard to hide, or hide from! And if someone is living alone or with roommates they're probably not married. Doesn't mean they're not cheating on someone, but it's less likely, just thinking in terms of probabilities.

The ending of the movie "Up In The Air" just popped into my head, and how the main character didn't know his lover was married until he showed up at her house, and saw her husband and kids. Of course stalking is not cool, but the idea that if you only see someone in airports and in hotels, maybe you should think they are hiding something. I can be pretty dense about this stuff but that was rather obvious. Although it's harder when it's your own life.... maybe I can think of my own life like a movie... and try to guess where the plot twists might be coming from... wow I am filled with new ideas, so glad I posted here, if anyone else has comments, please chime in!
 
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I've been very careful about this, the poly guys want you to meet their wife, the cheaters either lie about being married or will freak out if you ask to meet the wife.

Still...It's easier to stand up for your principles in theory, harder in an actual situation with someone you're interested in. In my case, he was single, but was in a casual thing with another woman, they'd agreed that it was not exclusive/NSA, and he didn't tell her about me. The rational side of me said that I should tell him that I couldn't have any kind of sexual relationship with him until he'd told her about me and we'd sat down and talked and made sure everyone was comfy with it- but the emotional side was scared I'd lose him. I ended up deciding that he's capable of making his own ethical choices, and that I trusted him to do the right thing, and that I was only responsible for being honest with people I knew. Then he found out that she'd been having sex with another guy and directly lying about it, so now I don't have to worry about her at all.

I'm still disappointed in myself, but I think it turned out to have been the right choice for our relationship long-term. I trusted him to do the right thing, I was honest, I told him what would make me more comfortable, I didn't judge him.
 
I'm still disappointed in myself, but I think it turned out to have been the right choice for our relationship long-term. I trusted him to do the right thing, I was honest, I told him what would make me more comfortable, I didn't judge him.

Did he ever do the right thing and tell her or are you still waiting on him to do the right thing? (Whether or not she does the right thing has nothing to do with his failure to do so.)
 


Been thinking, this has to be common.... I know it was for us when we first started looking and every time since.


We are both honest people, probably to a fault, and expect the same in the people we associate with.
If they are holding something back and will not explain why.... We move on before we can get to emotionally attached.


 
This is an interesting thread. Of course, it seems obvious that if someone wants you to meet their SO, they are probably being at least that honest with you about being poly. Wondering: how soon after you meet a poly person do you expect to meet their SO?

Let's say you "meet" someone online and chat for a few weeks, hit it off, and things look good, so you finally want to meet. Is it proper to meet them alone without having met the SO first (of course, taking necessary safety precautions for setting it up)? Or is that frowned upon? Do you ask to meet them together first? I would think that maybe meeting the SO first isn't always needed, because you could get together with this person and find you have no chemistry whatsoever, then it would be a moot point to get the SO's approval. I know every couple has their own ground rules, just wondering if there is a sort of poly etiquette out there. :)
 
My wife doesn't WANT to meet any of the other ladies in my life... I'm still working on this, but I'm pretty sure once she's met one, it won't be such a big deal. In the meantime, if everyone I met assumed I was cheating because I told them my wife didn't want to meet them, I'd be hosed. :(
 
I would think that maybe meeting the SO first isn't always needed, because you could get together with this person and find you have no chemistry whatsoever, then it would be a moot point to get the SO's approval.

Well, look at it the other way: you hit it off with that person, introduce them to your SO, and they hate each other. Now you can either break up with someone you liked and feel bad about it, or have your two partners hate each other's guts and you're caught in the middle.
In my opinion, it's better not to get invested before you can make sure that everyone would get along. Meeting the SO for me isn't a "hey, let me introduce my new GF/BF to you" kind of thing, it's a "hey, meet this person I like and tell me what you think". Actually, I'd want the SO meeting to happen even before you start pursuing the other person (although it doesn't have to be face to face), just to know how it's feeling and get a green light (or not).

Plus, I think it would be intimidating for the other person. I mean, I can't imagine telling a guy "hey, hi, I like you, I'd like to try and go further in our relationship, but wait, I need to introduce you to my husband first and know how he feels about it".
Seems much easier for me to all make friends first before we decide if we want to take it further.

This being said, the way I work isn't the way other people work, and I wouldn't say it's the one right way to do things. It's just the way that would make me most comfortable. When I ended up getting closer to Sean unexpectedly, it was very weird because I had to tell him "stop, let me check with Raga and I'll get back to you" and if he hadn't been poly himself I'm not sure how that would have worked out, to be honest. Could turn someone off I'm sure.
 
Thanks for the responses so far.
In my opinion, it's better not to get invested before you can make sure that everyone would get along.
But I'm not even talking about making an investment in someone more than just meeting them and getting to know them a little or, if it's something that starts online first, getting together to see if you're really even attracted to them or not. I totally understand meeting the SO if there's something we want to pursue, but I'm curious about diplomacy in the very beginning stages, before you even know whether or not you want to invest/pursue.
 
It's a bit hard for me to picture that kind of thing, since I usually start with falling in love with someone, at which point I'd tell my partners before doing anything else.
But I see what you mean. I think it might also depend on each relationship and the way it evolves.
 
I usually start with falling in love with someone, at which point I'd tell my partners before doing anything else.
You mean, like love at first sight? I'm confused. I'm just talking about when you first meet someone and still trying to figure out of you're interested in pursuing. I guess it just depends on every situation and the agreements that are in place. Was just wondering if it's still ethical to make a date with someone who has a partner or primary without having to meet that partner first.
 
You mean, like love at first sight? I'm confused. I'm just talking about when you first meet someone and still trying to figure out of you're interested in pursuing. I guess it just depends on every situation and the agreements that are in place. Was just wondering if it's still ethical to make a date with someone who has a partner or primary without having to meet that partner first.

No, no, I mean that I'd tell my partners I'm in love before I decide if I want to pursue it, since their input will matter. Plus this way if I do want to pursue it, they can help me. Similarly, my husband told me when he was in love and I helped preparing a special meal (he did most of it), I made her a stuffed toy (long story) and so on, all before he asked her out (sadly, she turned him down).

I like being part of the courtship process of my partner's interests, and I definitely need a lot of support when I'm interested in someone (he hasn't sent me an email back! Should I write again? What do you think? What should I say?).
The idea of first asking someone out to a date or even more, and THEN only introducing them to my partners wouldn't work very well for me, what if the date works well but my partners think we can't include that person in our relationship? Being already so invested would break my heart :S
 
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