Different kind of V

Revkah

New member
I'm new to this group but I find a lot of useful information!
I'm 29 and have been married to my husband Plan A for over a year.
I'm bisexual and this has been known by my husband the whole time that we have been together. We have both been with the same woman and he also has allowed me to be with a woman and him not be involved.
I recently for the first time in close to 5 years have fallen for a male.
My husband is not bisexual and neither is this new man (Plan B)
We are still working out the kinks and Plan A is being MARVELOUS. Super supportive. I've been able to spend the night with Plan B on his birthday and he has spent the night at our place.
Few questions
Me and Plan B have not been intimate but we are getting close. Plan A wants details. I feel that this wouldn't be a good idea. I feel like it should be ok to say that something happened but I don't feel full details are needed.
Also how/what is the best way to balance two different relationships so that they both feel that they are getting the attention that they want?
Plan A and Plan B have been down about this triad. Plan A because it's the first time I have added a male and the Plan B because all he is seeing is that he is going to get hurt and that this will end.
Advice please?
 
I'm newish to poly and I have a V with two straight guys - my husband and my boyfriend. It is working fine so far!

I make sure I am checking in often with my husband to make sure things are good. If yours isn't feeling that way, have him do a needs assessment and see where his sadness/jealousy is coming from. It is sometimes difficult with NRE clouding your brain to realize there is an issue, so check in often.

I don't think you can ever perfectly balance relationships, but it is possible to meet the needs of the individual. Don't think of it as balancing, but what does that particular person need from you to be happy? My husband gets 6 overnights a week, yet my boyfriend only gets 1 right now. Both are very happy. Not balanced, but no issues. I try not to make them equal, as they are individuals who want different things. The best way to keep them happy is to ask what they need. Communication! I flat out told my boyfriend when I felt I needed more attention. Take care of things right away.

Personally, I think it is a bad idea to tell too many details. Would your husband be ok with you sharing specifics about the 2 of you with your boyfriend? I see myself as a secret keeper for both of them and there is trust involved. Though, sometimes I share stuff because I had fun and want to express my happiness. My husband loves hearing details, but I don't go into too much. At this point, he assumes we are being intimate every time we have a date, I think. He never asks though.

It's best not to focus on the long term, especially early on in the relationship. Of course it's going to end - everything ends! But why have a fatalistic view of a relationship in its infancy? And maybe it'll only end when the world does. :) It could have staying power, but focusing on a negative like this is not productive.
 
Something similar happened to me: I was looking for a girlfriend, and got involved with another man. It sure took my husband a while to get used to the idea of having another male as a metamour, but that part is fine now.

I agree with Bluebird that details are not necessary, and not a good thing if anyone feels uncomfortable about them being told. This desire to hear details might stem from insecurity and competitiveness - which one is "better" in bed... and that is not the best approach. Some people here tell that they want details 'cause it turns them on, and that is another story alltogether.

Balancing two relationships can be done in so many ways - it depends on the people involved and the previous commitments they have in their lives (children, work, house etc.). Make sure you keep yourself updated about what your partners want of you, and keep them updated about what you want of them. I only see my OSO every second weekend, as we live quite far apart. We both wish we could meet more often, but the realities of life do not let us - except when I have time off from work, I stay longer at his place. As it is, we have no issues about the balance, even though my partners do not get anywhere close to equal amount of time from me.
 
Now what makes a mfm v so different? I am straight and THE hinge between my men who are both also straight. My relationships are separate but equal.

I do not share the intimate details of my other relationship with either man. It is none of the others business.

As for balancing two separate relationships your husband is going to have to be understanding , secure with his place in the relationship. Most of all he has to mind his own business unless something is effecting him directly. Do not drag him in to your other relationship with. Do not use him as your confidant.

You will have to not let NRE run away with you. Set a schedule as much as you can. Do not treat Plan B as secondary. Communicate..

Plan B is going to have to be understanding that you do have a home and husband to take care of. You cannot fly by the seat of your pants sometimes . Are you guys out? Or is he going to have to be kind of a secret. Some go in being ok being hidden but once they fall in love they want to be able to be out with their so.
 
Different for her

Now what makes a mfm v so different?

I think she merely meant that her previous V was one where she and another woman were the legs and her husband the hinge....now it's switching over to where she is the hinge.

Wasn't clear on whether the husband was still involved with the other woman, but if so, I don't see why he doesn't use that other man to help balance between his wife and girlfriend (so when he's with his girlfriend, she has someone to be with, too)? If not, it's his responsibility to find other partners, if he doesn't want to be alone when she's gone.
 
My husband is not bisexual and neither is this new man (Plan B)

Neither have to be bisexual unless they plan to have sexual or romantic relations, do they?


Me and Plan B have not been intimate but we are getting close. Plan A wants details.

Why does he want details? Is it for sexual gratification or because he wants to feel involved/in control of your relationship?

I feel that this wouldn't be a good idea. I feel like it should be ok to say that something happened but I don't feel full details are needed.

Well, that's your right. Plan A should also be thinking about whetehr Plan B is okay with sharing details of his sex life, not just yours.

Also how/what is the best way to balance two different relationships so that they both feel that they are getting the attention that they want?

They both need to realise that you have an obligation to your other partner which is equally important. You need to decide who you can and want to spend time with and when. It isn't just about what they need, what do you need?

Plan A and Plan B have been down about this triad. Plan A because it's the first time I have added a male and the Plan B because all he is seeing is that he is going to get hurt and that this will end.

It isn't a triad, strictly speaking, it's a vee because the two males are not romantically or sexually entwined. Why does Plan A see a male of more of a threat than a female? That's rather sexist, it's as if he thinks a female would not be capable of having the primary style relationship with you that he does. As if a female wouldn't be capable of replacing his role in your life. You should watch out for guys who think like that. Those who feel that their partner can fuck girls because it's hot and girls aren't a threat to his manliness but guys are barely tolerated as metamours. That's one step away from the old One Penis Policy. To be honest, the way you labelled the guys Plan A and Plan B is sort of telling, as if Plan B is the backup for if the primary style relationship with Plan A fails. You might want to think about that.

Plan B might just be insecure because he is new/ not well suited to polyamory, but there are things that kind of spooked me about what you said. Going back to you stating that neither man is bisexual, did you do that because you feel that in polyamory, all partners must be sexually or romantically entwined? This is a common misconception. Anyway, when I read that, it hinted atcouple privilege, it was as if you felt that you should be sharing partners, like you used to share females., because you are a couple. If you express couple privilege in other ways, and Plan A consistently feels like his feelings, opinions and needs are secondary to the needs of you and Plan A, individually and as a couple, he is right to feel insecure and I'd advise him not to invest very much emotionally in you or the relationship.
Advice please?
Reply With Quote
 
Now what makes a mfm v so different? I am straight and THE hinge between my men who are both also straight. My relationships are separate but equal.

If her husband always assumed any sort of poly relationship would involve another woman, it could take some mental adjusting on his part to be ok with her being with another man. I agree in the grand scheme of things it isn't that different, but I feel sometimes straight men seem to have preconceived notions that involve other men being more of a threat to their relationship than a woman would be. Not logical, but just what I have noticed.
 
Thanks for all the replies they are super helpful. My difference is just that we usually have a woman in the mix. I am fine with him being with a woman. We just have never been with another guy I have never been interested in another male before. Definitely not to this extent.
I'm new to this responding online chat thing so bear with me.
To London: I just named them plan A and plan B because that is what the letters of their first names are and I thought it was funny. Plan A and are are married and we have become stronger in the communication level of our relationship since this V has started.Thank you for clarifying the terminology as well, I'm still new so please let me know. ( I have been trying to read the other threads as well.) And with the bisexual statement it was just giving info. We know that it isn't "necessary"
We are all three still learning and we have shared with some of our close friends the status of who Plan B is in my life. We live in a really small area that is closed minded to this type of lifestyle but neither of us really care... lol
I hope I hit all the points. Again thank you I got some real insight on this whole thing.
Ok sorry so long. Thanks
 
Me and Plan B have not been intimate but we are getting close. Plan A wants details. I feel that this wouldn't be a good idea. I feel like it should be ok to say that something happened but I don't feel full details are needed.

How about....

"I see that you want more details. I am willing to tell you something happened sexually. I am not willing to give you a play by play of the sex.

I am willing to tell you how having a relationship with B affects you sexually -- sex hygiene and health, calendar planning, etc. I am willing to talk about (me + A) sex. If you want to ask me to keep some sex activities "special" between just us, I could consider it. I'm willing to talk about it. "


It doesn't mean you automatically AGREE, but talking about it is not a problem.

Also how/what is the best way to balance two different relationships so that they both feel that they are getting the attention that they want?

Well, what attention do they want? Is it TIME spent with them? Or certain activities? :confused:

Plan A and Plan B have been down about this triad. Plan A because it's the first time I have added a male and the Plan B because all he is seeing is that he is going to get hurt and that this will end.

For both of them the answer seems the same -- reassure, give it time.

It takes time for the "new normal" to become "old normal" and for them to see nothing "bad" happened.

  • For A to see that a male partner didn't mess anything up with (you + A). Reassure him, come home when you say you will, check in calls, etc.
  • For B to see that he's not getting hurt. Reassure him, point out where he's not being treated "less than" because he's not the married partner.

You could ask each of them what specific things are bothering them.

  • A: WHAT about it being a male partner bothers you?
  • B: WHAT do you think will happen that will hurt you?

Could see if you could help dig down deeper in their thoughts and what might come to light. (Assuming they are willing to share this with you.)

GL!
Galagirl
 
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Interesting to read! Me, very new to this all, is very surprised about the opinion that the relationships are equal and the doubt about wether or not one partner has the right to information.
Being new to this, i tell my husband almost anything he wants to hear. I thought that 'giving it time' was mostly: go with what he wants cause he needs to be able to adjust. Of course i ask him if the answer to this question will help him and sometimes he can confirm that it realy doesn't, so i don't answer. But sometimes he says it turns him on, and i believe that only for a part. I think he convinces him, cause he feels the strong need to ask me out of fear/jalousy.

Also i see here that nobody realy talks about primary and secundary partner. My husband is very stuck on that term, cause he feels he has more rights, has to be on top of the foodchain, has to be number one. Ofcourse he means so much to me. But him asking me to make him number one is difficult. Which aspects of a relationship count, how important is every aspect and why?

I see you all are more used to this (having done this before), but still struggle with feelings like this. For example, your partner having to get used to a man. There is no comparing to a woman, but now with a man it's different. So no advice from my part, cause i don't have any experience like this. I read with you, cause i think i can learn a lot from the advice here. For me it's not a new kind of V but my first V. So also new!
 
@Hoyam

You really need to think about whether you are prepared to treat other people badly by ignoring and dismissing their needs, wants and desires in order for your husband to feel your relationship is the most important. You can do this by telling your husband all the details he wants to know without asking the consent of the other people involved, or by cancelling dates any time your husband wants you to etc. Personally, if my husband required me to do that, I'd either go for a form of non monogamy closer to monogamy where it's basically just sex, or I would remain monogamous with my husband. My husband would have to realise that I must have the other person's input before I can promise certain things, it might be totally fine by them, but I have to get the okay. That's the ethical way to do things.
 
I am not quite sure what you mean (english is not my language) but the struggle between my husbands needs (if it realy is a need to know everything, which i doubt), my needs, my boyfriends needs, everybody's right to information, everybody's right to privacy, is a constant searching. Some things are very clear, but the things you can have different opinions about are the most interesting and also the most diffecult!

For this moment is going back to monogamy is not an option for me. We just started and i think we realy have to try before we decide if things are or aren't our way of life. Ofcourse the beginning is hard. My bf is very patient so it's mostly a struggle for my husband and i. So we only give up when we feel like we realy tried, not after a few weeks!
 
All I am saying is that your husband has made it clear that he expects your relationship to be the most important and that means that if there is a conflict between his needs and your boyfriend's needs, he expects his needs to be considered first. Really, it is all quite easy - things that happen between you and your boyfriend (especially sexually) stays between you unless your boyfriend has given consent for that information to be shared with your husband and the same should go for things that are between you and your husband. Your husband seems to be saying that he should get what he wants regardless of your boyfriend's feelings. That's a very hard concept to battle.
 
Thanks. Yes i agree. Fortunately my boyfriend is very kind towards my husband. He wants his privacy, but is not very stubborn or unwilling in that area.
My husband just needs to learn that i love him anyways. Sometimes he needs to measure this love, compare it, even though he knows there is no way to realy compare.
 
Interesting to read! Me, very new to this all, is very surprised about the opinion that the relationships are equal and the doubt about wether or not one partner has the right to information.
Being new to this, i tell my husband almost anything he wants to hear. I thought that 'giving it time' was mostly: go with what he wants cause he needs to be able to adjust. Of course i ask him if the answer to this question will help him and sometimes he can confirm that it realy doesn't, so i don't answer. But sometimes he says it turns him on, and i believe that only for a part. I think he convinces him, cause he feels the strong need to ask me out of fear/jalousy.

So if your husband wants to know something you tell him. What about your boyfriends right to privacy. What about emotional intimacy. There is no way Murf would stand for me sharing every detail of our relationship with Butch. Some things are sacred .

Also i see here that nobody realy talks about primary and secundary partner. My husband is very stuck on that term, cause he feels he has more rights, has to be on top of the foodchain, has to be number one. Ofcourse he means so much to me. But him asking me to make him number one is difficult. Which aspects of a relationship count, how important is every aspect and why?

I do not play the whole primary/secondary game. My relationships are seperate but equal. Why should your husband have more rights? Why should he get more power and control? Your husband needs to worry about his relationship with you period . What goes on between you and your boyfriend is between you and him. He needs to trust you to do the right thing if protection of your relationship is necessary.

I do not understand the belief that another woman is no threat yo an existing mf relationship. It is like people are saying that relationship between women are a joke if one or both women are bisexual. To me that is kind of offensive.
 
On the sex part....when I started sleeping with Nudge, J preferred SOME details because it made him feel like he knew what was going on instead of picturing us donig crazy, wild, better stuff I wasnt doing with him. i was happy to share, and also add things to our sex life if he was interested. But im also a very open person and will talk about just about anything with anyone. To me, making something seem secrative makes it seem taboo

as far as everyone feeling special....Nudge and I have a set night that is "ours" our spouses know and agree to this. J needs t otell me if hes feeling he needs more time/attention etc from me, because if he doesnt speak up thats his problem. You also can not be responsible for the feelings of Plan A or B
 
I do not understand the belief that another woman is no threat yo an existing mf relationship. It is like people are saying that relationship between women are a joke if one or both women are bisexual. To me that is kind of offensive.

I'm sorry if you feel like i'm offensive. What i notice with my husband is that he finds it diffecult that my bf gives me something in theory he can give me also. Ofcourse that's an illusion cause they are different people. But noticing his need to compare i thought a woman would be different and easier for him to accept (that a woman can offer me something he is not). I don't mean to be disrespectful, not at all. Me, my bf and my husband all are straight. So maybe just a lack of knowledge in that area. I understand a woman can be a threat just as much as a man. Also i know a lot of (married) homosexual people and i realy believe they are not better or worse than me. So, no hard feelings please! :)
 
I am very straight. Never have I ever... found myself attracted to women at all. Not in real life.. Not a starlet .. No girl crushes in my past. Still find it sexist.

My personal opinion is most people restricted by an opp by their male partner would find if they ask that the man is holding out hope to be included at some point or at least watch...lol.

Murf brings things to my life that Butch doesn't. Honestly no two relationships are going to be equal. You are going to love one more than another, need one more than another at different points as relationships ebb and flow. What needs to be equal is communication consideration and commitment to your relationships.
 
I am not quite sure what you mean (english is not my language) but the struggle between my husbands needs (if it realy is a need to know everything, which i doubt), my needs, my boyfriends needs, everybody's right to information, everybody's right to privacy, is a constant searching. Some things are very clear, but the things you can have different opinions about are the most interesting and also the most diffecult!

For this moment is going back to monogamy is not an option for me. We just started and i think we realy have to try before we decide if things are or aren't our way of life. Ofcourse the beginning is hard. My bf is very patient so it's mostly a struggle for my husband and i. So we only give up when we feel like we realy tried, not after a few weeks!

May I ask what your first language is? Your English is really quite good for a 2nd language. :)
 
Also i see here that nobody realy talks about primary and secundary partner. My husband is very stuck on that term, cause he feels he has more rights, has to be on top of the foodchain, has to be number one. Ofcourse he means so much to me. But him asking me to make him number one is difficult. Which aspects of a relationship count, how important is every aspect and why?

We do the primary/secondary thing. It just happens to work for us.

I have been dating a married, poly man for almost two years now, who puts his marriage as primary. His wife is very considerate of my relationship with her husband, and would never really yank the choke chain on him (at least, that's how I feel.) I'm respectful of their time, and she is respectful of ours. In a true crisis, (i.e. both his wife and I drowning in the ocean at the same time, equal distance away from him) I'm sure he'd save her first. In terms of practical concerns, where he lives, what he spends his money on, etc. That's between him and his primary partner, his wife, because they share a home, they share a bank account, and they will be sharing a child in the near future.

The hubby and I have similar values. RIGHT NOW, we would like to preserve the marriage. Home, bank account, co-parenting, etc. Are exclusively the domain of our primary partners - each other. Our paramours have varying levels of interaction with our son, and would miss us if we had to move to another state, but we don't exactly take those other people into consideration when making those big decisions. We do, however, have deep emotional connections with other people.

The hubby is dating a married, poly woman who is now 9 weeks pregnant with her own husband's child. Her and her husband share the same values. No, it's not just swinging, it's respect for the other people, it can and has developed into love, and everyone is respectful of everyone else's time. If someone's not getting enough of their primary or secondary partner, they discuss it with each other, and then negotiate time or needs with their other partners, but still with the underlying idea that the marriage partner does have a greater say IN HOME LIFE issues.

Yes, there are potential problems in this setup, but since everyone is working off of a basis of mutual respect, and tons of communication, for the most part, things have worked out well. From my perspective, since all of the spouses feel confident that their spouse values them through the title of "primary", all of us are much more likely to feel generous in giving space and time to our spouses and their other partners.

It DEFINITELY isn't for everyone, and I could DEFINITELY see it a problem for people who aren't married themselves (or in our case, if one of our partner's marital status is going to change), but since we all are dating other married couples who seem to have the same values, it's working out pretty well so far. Nobody feels insulted, as far as I can tell. I guess since we all live exclusively with our spouses, it's a little easier to decide primacy in home life matters.
 
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