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-   -   Cowboys and cowgirls (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=54783)

Flowerchild 09-09-2013 11:01 PM

Cowboys and cowgirls
 
I was browsing a thread, and came across a concern about cowboys/cowgirls. Where the poster stated something along the lines of, "We (as a couple) approve each other's other partners, in order to avoid that person thinking they can steal our love away. We do not allow that kind of thinking into the house."

While I understand that, my take on cowboys/cowgirls is: who cares? You can't control what other people think. Say that your partner's OSO believes they can steal him/her away. Unless your partner is willing to abandon you, nothing that other person can say or do will take them away. I don't hold with the idea that a person can seduce or coerce someone into falling for them....and especially not manipulate them out of the love they hold for another.

So, even if your spouse's girlfriend thinks your husband will ultimately leave you for her, my thought is it's her problem, not yours. Be honest with her, of course, don't lead her into thinking this is the case, but if she refuses to see reality....I fail to see why you should care if she ultimately gets disappointed or heartbroken when she realizes it's not gonna happen. Does that sound cruel?

Natja 09-09-2013 11:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Flowerchild (Post 227553)
Does that sound cruel?

No.

LovingRadiance 09-09-2013 11:15 PM

I prefer to meet them-but it's more to let them know that I'm ACTUALLY ok with him being with another woman-because we've found that even in poly circles, the women have a tendency to be concerned that the guy *says* he's poly-but is actually cheating.

As for whether or not a cowgirl would accomplish their goal-let them try. It won't happen and I'm not concerned about it.

bookbug 09-09-2013 11:17 PM

It sounds realistic.

“Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.”
- Philip K Dick

gorgeouskitten 09-10-2013 08:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance (Post 227557)
As for whether or not a cowgirl would accomplish their goal-let them try. It won't happen and I'm not concerned about it.

agreed, I know J wouldnt leave me, and if a cowgirl was with him it would be up to him to end it if he felt she was putting to much pressure on him, the other person can feel whatever they which. I trust J to lay down the line

PaperGrace 09-11-2013 06:10 PM

There seems to be the assumption or comfort level that, if my partner falls in love with a Cowboy/Cowgirl, that my partner will not change (much), and will at some point end the relationship if the CB/CG persists in his/her want for monogamy.

What if that's not what happens? What if the partner that fell for the CB/CG remains poly, loves both, and will not not choose one love over the other?

I just finished reading a blog on this site and, while I would have originally answered the way most have here, I see another side now.

First off, most CB/CGs don't wear a sign identifying themselves, and may not even realize their need for monogamy going in. Love is often blinding.

Once the CB/CGs are in the relationship, they may not recognize their own need and voice it clearly. They may just start taking actions and trying to get needs met which they see as making them happier. That could cause some changes in the pre-existing relationship, as with any new relationship, but is probably still fine.

When the request for more (that is never enough) doesn't result in what the CB/CG wants - their vision of a stable, happy, monogamous relationship with their new love - they will likely remain unhappy and escalate their requests and intrusions into the other relationship. Thus the moniker of Cowboy/Cowgirl.

While my partner would still love me and be with me, if he also loves and maintains a relationship with a CB/CG, it would likely radically change how my partner and I relate, and not for the better.

I would sincerely hope that would not happen, but I've read how it has with well-meaning, intelligent people. <sigh> I would certainly care a lot if any of that happened. Is it preventable? Is love preventable?

Flowerchild 09-11-2013 07:11 PM

Agree with you
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by PaperGrace (Post 228434)
Is love preventable?

I agree with what you've said here. I think the fact is, poly has the potential to get very complicated, people may not always know what they want until it's too late...but I guess my point still remains firm.

If I'm to be happy being poly, I have to trust that my partner will not leave me, no matter how hard another tries to take him/her from me. And maybe they will love both, and maybe it'll wreck the relationship, but I have to tell myself, until that happens, that I trust my partners to be there for me.

Because as you stated above, I don't think love is preventable, and if my partner is going to fall in love with another and out of love with me-- well, there;s nothing I can do to stop that. But at least I can stop myself from spending my days dreading that inevitability.

Hope that makes sense.

Nudge 09-11-2013 07:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Flowerchild (Post 228441)
I agree with what you've said here. I think the fact is, poly has the potential to get very complicated, people may not always know what they want until it's too late...but I guess my point still remains firm.

If I'm to be happy being poly, I have to trust that my partner will not leave me, no matter how hard another tries to take him/her from me.

I may seem a little grim here, but in my mind it is fairly optimistic---

I don't think any of us can trust that our partner won't leave. They can leave in a mono relationship or a poly one. We can only trust that we will be respected and that our partners will remain honest with us (and themselves).

A lot of the cowboy/cowgirl thing is illusion and fantasy. Being open to discuss it and not making it a taboo strikes me as the best way to handle it.

Inyourendo 09-11-2013 07:51 PM

I do not fear cowfolk but I refuse to be disrespected.

PaperGrace 09-11-2013 08:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Flowerchild (Post 228441)
Because as you stated above, I don't think love is preventable, and if my partner is going to fall in love with another and out of love with me-- well, there;s nothing I can do to stop that. But at least I can stop myself from spending my days dreading that inevitability.

I hear you and certainly agree with the above.

In my case, it's about finding a comfort level with the uncertainty in my life and living there.

I am not okay with my partner maintaining a relationship with a Cowboy/Cowgirl. I do believe some concern is valid as it could easily become my problem. While I do trust my partner to love me, I do not trust that my relationships will always change in ways that I like.

I also concede there's not much I can do about it. :)


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