hellokitty
New member
My gf and I have been going through some transitions lately.
A little back story... I've been w my bf for 7 yrs and gf for 3. I've posted about it here before but.. About 2 yrs into my relationship w my gf I went through some changes w bf and we had a non sexual relationship for a few months. When I wanted to ease back into being physical w him, my gf freaked out and gave me an ultimatum of having sex w him or staying w her. I agreed to help her work on her jealousy.
Things didn't progress in the way I would've liked them to and we went months w o much getting resolved. Finally last dec I decided I wanted control over my sex life back and told her I couldn't agree w that restraint any more. We got through it and she decided she could live w that. I decided I never want to agree to rules that don't align with making me feel respected and true to myself. That only led to resentment.
During all this and over the past year I've been realizing there were a lot of personal boundaries I let slide once I got together w her and my spirit has been pushing me to be free. I need to be honest w myself and my lovers. I've been sharing these things as I learn them about myself. I realized I need space and freedom as part of my personality and to further my spiritual and personal growth, as well as to be able to grow closer to my lovers.
My gf and I have been living together for the past 2 yrs. It's been great, but has also put on hold the ability for us to have as much autonomy and independence. Also didn't allow for me to spend as much time w my bf, and allowed no time for spontaneity w him and definitely no over nights for us at my place. Gf even said no sexual contact w anyone but her in our house at all. I wanted her to feel comfortable in her own home so I agreed to it, but I knew it wouldn't work out like that in the long run.
About a month ago we decided together it would be for the best for her to move out (I pay 3/4 of the rent/bills so that's why I wouldn't move out instead) for these reasons. She agreed it's important for us to each gain our independence and that this would hopefully allow us to spend more quality time together. Among other positive reasons.
She is moving in with her best friend who conveniently just had a room open at her house. The reason I'm posting here is bc she came to me with her "condition" for "making this sacrifice" "for me" that I just don't know how to feel about. She wants my room to essentially still be *our* room and not let anyone else sleep or be intimate with me in "our" bed (which was mine for years before we moved in together.) Meaning whenever my bf sleeps over we'd have to pull out the futon in the basement or something. Kinda defeats the purpose of me being able to spend more intimate time w him like that in my own house. It's not like I'm some sex fiend any way so we're not just "waiting for her to get out" so we can fuck everywhere all the time.... Nothing like that at *all.* I just want to have a normal relationship w him and make my own decisions. I need that. But it's this or nothing at all for her. She's absolutely not willing to budge. But this is one of those things that just makes me feel controlled and I can't wrap my head around it.
I told her I'm more than willing to sleep at her house if it's such a big deal that I might have sex w my boyfriend once in a while in my own bedroom. Her new place is 5 min from mine. It's not that outrageous for us to go there. But she says she won't feel welcome here at all if I don't agree to this and doesn't see a future for us if she feels that way.
Am I really that insensitive or is this a little over the top? I'm trying to understand but I don't see what our options are for us to both feel respected.... I feel through out our relationship she has constantly put up these very strict particular conditions to keep some form of control over me and our relationship. I understand her being scared or insecure but I work hard at giving her everything she tells me she needs and showing her how much I love her. I really try to make her feel secure and safe with me. It just feels like it always comes down to one more thing I'm doing to "be selfish" so I just keep coming up short.
A little back story... I've been w my bf for 7 yrs and gf for 3. I've posted about it here before but.. About 2 yrs into my relationship w my gf I went through some changes w bf and we had a non sexual relationship for a few months. When I wanted to ease back into being physical w him, my gf freaked out and gave me an ultimatum of having sex w him or staying w her. I agreed to help her work on her jealousy.
Things didn't progress in the way I would've liked them to and we went months w o much getting resolved. Finally last dec I decided I wanted control over my sex life back and told her I couldn't agree w that restraint any more. We got through it and she decided she could live w that. I decided I never want to agree to rules that don't align with making me feel respected and true to myself. That only led to resentment.
During all this and over the past year I've been realizing there were a lot of personal boundaries I let slide once I got together w her and my spirit has been pushing me to be free. I need to be honest w myself and my lovers. I've been sharing these things as I learn them about myself. I realized I need space and freedom as part of my personality and to further my spiritual and personal growth, as well as to be able to grow closer to my lovers.
My gf and I have been living together for the past 2 yrs. It's been great, but has also put on hold the ability for us to have as much autonomy and independence. Also didn't allow for me to spend as much time w my bf, and allowed no time for spontaneity w him and definitely no over nights for us at my place. Gf even said no sexual contact w anyone but her in our house at all. I wanted her to feel comfortable in her own home so I agreed to it, but I knew it wouldn't work out like that in the long run.
About a month ago we decided together it would be for the best for her to move out (I pay 3/4 of the rent/bills so that's why I wouldn't move out instead) for these reasons. She agreed it's important for us to each gain our independence and that this would hopefully allow us to spend more quality time together. Among other positive reasons.
She is moving in with her best friend who conveniently just had a room open at her house. The reason I'm posting here is bc she came to me with her "condition" for "making this sacrifice" "for me" that I just don't know how to feel about. She wants my room to essentially still be *our* room and not let anyone else sleep or be intimate with me in "our" bed (which was mine for years before we moved in together.) Meaning whenever my bf sleeps over we'd have to pull out the futon in the basement or something. Kinda defeats the purpose of me being able to spend more intimate time w him like that in my own house. It's not like I'm some sex fiend any way so we're not just "waiting for her to get out" so we can fuck everywhere all the time.... Nothing like that at *all.* I just want to have a normal relationship w him and make my own decisions. I need that. But it's this or nothing at all for her. She's absolutely not willing to budge. But this is one of those things that just makes me feel controlled and I can't wrap my head around it.
I told her I'm more than willing to sleep at her house if it's such a big deal that I might have sex w my boyfriend once in a while in my own bedroom. Her new place is 5 min from mine. It's not that outrageous for us to go there. But she says she won't feel welcome here at all if I don't agree to this and doesn't see a future for us if she feels that way.
Am I really that insensitive or is this a little over the top? I'm trying to understand but I don't see what our options are for us to both feel respected.... I feel through out our relationship she has constantly put up these very strict particular conditions to keep some form of control over me and our relationship. I understand her being scared or insecure but I work hard at giving her everything she tells me she needs and showing her how much I love her. I really try to make her feel secure and safe with me. It just feels like it always comes down to one more thing I'm doing to "be selfish" so I just keep coming up short.