the reason why I can't do it is because I love him and he makes me feel loved despite this,
You are going through
stages of grief. Past the first shock of it since finding out in Sept, and probably in anger/bargaining stages from the sound of it.
You don't WANT to do this. I get that. But not wanting to do it and not being ABLE to do it are two different things. You CAN do "I am breaking up with you" behavior toward a cheating BF.
In the time it took to write these posts you could have typed him "We're over. I'm breaking up with you" and it would be done.
how do I get over this pain and feeling insecure, I tell him I feel insecure and he makes me feel better all the time but I don't want him to do that.
Time will heal pain. Allow time to pass free of new shenanigans and you will heal.
For the insecure? You could do "safe and secure" behaviors for yourself like getting you out of the line of fire! Stop hanging around a guy you can no longer trust to keep agreements, a guy whose behavior causes you pain.
Love him if you want to right now from the side but OUT of the line of fire so he cannot do new behaviors to ding you. In time your feelings will catch up. Allow this to happen.
You could learn to be able to self-validate and self-comfort rather than relying on other people to do it for you. When other people do it for you, it's just them feeding the empty black hole. It helps for a while but then disappears. You could learn to generate that from within so you are never without and you are free of black hole.
Then you can be free to LEAVE people who hurt you without fearing being alone or fearing black hole inside.
Then you can be free to STAY with people because you know you stay for THEM for good reasons you can feel proud of.
Staying with people that do behaviors that cause you pain because
sometimes they give you some "black hole stuffing?" That is not self respecting behavior. You cannot be
proud of you behaving like that. Your self esteem will take a ding.
Do self respecting behavior:
- My BF cheated. His behavior sucked.
- Consequence? I am breaking up with him because I deserve to be treated well.
- That is the consequence of HIS poor behavior. He doesn't treat me well -- he doesn't GET to be with me.
You can treat you like YOU MATTER and DESERVE to be treated well. Because you DO. You can feel proud of you for that behavior.
You might find doing this and seeing you come out the other side PERFECTLY OK in time will help you grow what you need -- the knowledge that you CAN look out for yourself and you CAN take care of yourself. That is self respecting behavior you can be proud of, and your esteem of your own behavior will improve.
What are you growing if you stay where you have been cheated on and where you are unhappy? That you don't expect anyone -- not BF or you -- to treat you well. That's a bad crop -- don't spend time growing that!
I mean all that kindly.
You can do this and treat you better.
You deserve to be treated well -- especially by YOU.
Galagirl