Poly essentially unfair?

In my husband and one of his close friends, I have encountered a sentiment of poly being essentially unfair. He's even told me that he doesn't wish to date a girl outside of me because he thinks it would be unfair to *me*. I found the statement strange, because I found it assumptive on what I would and would not find fair. Hell, I'd argue it would be more fair to both of us if he did date someone, but alas.

I don't believe that poly is more unfair than monogamy. I tend to adhere that life is essentially unfair, because we all react to every individual uniquely. I strive to act on everyone's feelings as equally as I can, without disregarding my own. It's not a fair situation, but I am trying to be as fair and ethical as the circumstances will allow. That is the kind of fairness I endorse.

I see a consistent attitude that acting on feelings for someone else is unfair to that person, with no shades of grey. Yet I see people in a monogamous situations act on such feelings very thing often, and I can't help feeling it is disingenuous to discount alternative lifestyles. Am I just being insanely idealist and out of touch? I just wish sometimes I lived in a society where loving multiple people was expected and embraced.
 
He's even told me that he doesn't wish to date a girl outside of me because he thinks it would be unfair to *me*. I found the statement strange, because I found it assumptive on what I would and would not find fair. Hell, I'd argue it would be more fair to both of us if he did date someone, but alas.

If people don't like your relationship decisions then that is their burden to bear.
If you choose to continue to listen to criticism about your decisions then that is your burden to bear.​

As far as trying to get someone to understand you, speak clearly and intentionally and then let them do with the information as they will. There is nothing to be gained by trying to figure out what someone means by "fair" when that isn't what the conversation is *actually* about. The conversation being had is about insecurity and social norms... not about "fairness".
 
Being fair is relative. I don't believe it would be unfair to my wife when I develops a romantic relationship with another woman. I agree, I think it would be unfair to a new relationship, if that person wanted more time with me than what I would be able to give.

It is not very different when I was a workaholic working two jobs...My second job got less of my energy because it was secondary... It was more for fun and I wasn't trying to make a career out of it... However, my secondary career lead me on a new path and ended up leaving my primary job...It allowed me to see what else is out there. I have a great career now because of it...My other career was pretty awesome and I enjoyed it as well...I could have stayed and made a lifelong career out of it...

My time is limited. My career, wife, daughter, hobby's, volunteer work...I don't have a whole Lotta time for a secondary relationship, especially if she wanted more time than I am able to give... When the right relationship comes around and they are happy with the time they get from me, then it will be perfect and fair for all.

I think it is unfair to reject relationships whether it's a friend or a love interest because we think it is unfair... That's just what society tells us...

Even my hobby's take time away from my wife and daughter...Sometimes I think I am being unfair because I spend most of a Saturday hiking with my group...there is some guilt there...
 
I think this could be a case of (what you believe) vs (what husband believes). And being different people, you are allowed to have different beliefs. They don't have to be the same.

If he's monoamorous and wants only one sweetie (you) -- then that is what he wants. He's a monoamorous guy in a polyship "V" as one of the "V arm" people. WHY he wants "monoamorous" for himself -- that's all his stuff and his beliefs. It's not rejecting you and your beliefs.

I don't think polyshipping is unfair. Neither is monoshipping. People can pick what suits them. *shrug*

Galagirl
 
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"Fair" doesn't mean "equal." Fair means everyone getting the same opportunities. So your husband choosing not to even up the score doesn't mean he's being less fair. For whatever reason, perhaps your husband doesn't believe he would be capable of giving you the same level of love and attention that he wants, if he's giving some to another woman.

Some people really are mono-minded. If they give one person love, it means taking it away from someone else. In our little bubble of the world, we know that's not necessarily true, as in for everyone. But it is true for some people. I think these are the people who struggle most in mono-poly relationships, because they truly can't imagine loving one person without unloving another. People like Gralson aren't inclined to multiple relationships, but they can at least hypothetically imagine what that would look like.

But in general, I absolutely agree that poly is not inherently unfair. Telling half the population that they have to follow relationship paradigms for which they're ill-suited? Now that's unfair.
 
. . . he doesn't wish to date a girl outside of me because he thinks it would be unfair to *me*. I found the statement strange, because I found it assumptive on what I would and would not find fair.

Life, in general, is unfair. Watch almost any nature show for proof of this - root for the crocodile and the babboon gets eaten. Root for the babboon and the crocodile starves. There are very few win-win situations in the real world.

What I would take exception to, if I were you, is not the argument about whether poly is fair or not (and "poly" means what? A concept? Approach? A real-life potential multiple-partner arrangement?); No, I would bristle at my partner saying he's sacrificing an opportunity solely to protect me from life's unfairness when I've not asked for that protection or explicitly stated that I don't need it. How insulting for him assume that he knows better than I do about what I need and how to take care of myself. Gawd, how I hate hearing the phrase "it's for your own good."

Unless you want him to martyr himself and act like he's your parent or guardian by giving up things he could have just to soften life's blows for you, this is a good opportunity for you to assert your autonomy and ability to handle what life brings you.
 
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too many people believe fairness is also equity. It is not. Not all things fair are also equitable.

Life is as fair as you make it, so are your relationships.
 
Uhm... it's equity and equality that are not the same thing. Equity is, basically, the same as fairness... just from a more legal / social perspective, as opposed to things like dolling out cookies to the little ones.

Google it, yo.

Or just click.
 
Re (from OP):
"I just wish sometimes I lived in a society where loving multiple people was expected and embraced."

Heh, that would be a sweet deal, wouldn't it. I don't think we will, but perhaps our kids or our great-great grandkids will.

Is your husband perhaps implying (complaining) that he signed up for monogamy, but got polyamory instead and that's why it's not fair? Did he know you intended to live polyamorously at the time when he decided to marry you?

Fair is such a squishy, puzzling word. People can argue all day about what is and isn't fair, as well as about why this or that is or isn't fair.

Seems fair enough that he can hook up with someone extra just as much as you can, but if he didn't (originally) sign up for this polyamorous relationship then I guess he has somewhat of a leg to stand on. Not that he *has* to stay in this marriage if he doesn't want to, so there again, these are his choices, too, not just yours.
 
Many monogamous marriages are not fair. People do change in all areas of their life over time, including sex. Some people are HD in the beginning of marriage and become LD over the years. Some accept a LD marriage early on, but eventually their true nature emerge and become HD. That may mean an affair, open marriage, poly...nothing is really fair...I accepted an LD marriage for over 17 years and I changed when I hit my 40's... I ramped up the sex from 3X a month to 10X a month and my wife complied... That wasn't fair for her... She never signed on for sex 10 X a month...I have backed off somewhat with sex... I would like even more...that's not gonna happen with her...I don't know what is fair. Either way, resentments will build...All we can do is be honest as possible without hurting the ones we love...
 
Hd? Ld?
 
Heh ...

  • HD = High Desire?
  • LD = Low Desire?
[shrug]
 
D'oh! I knew it was drive. Stupid memory banks.
 
Thanks for all your comments! This helped put some things into perspective. I really like to bounce ideas off like-minded folk such as yourselves. =)

@Schrodingers: I do think for my husband he perceives it as him loving another gal would be unloving me somehow. I think he's accepted that I love him very much, otherwise we wouldn't still be together.

@Nycindie: I have told Y very clearly that he's free to pursue the same freedoms I want for myself. We even dabbled with him sorta dating this one chick, and I dealt with it relatively okay. However she screwed him over, he claimed he understood me a little better through the experience, and he has not tried the like since. He just really doesn't want to date any other gals and has said as much when I tease him about it. Which is fine, as it is his choice. I just don't like the implication that he is somehow being more righteous in the choice than I am.

@kdt: We did start out monogamously. I frankly did not know what I wanted when I got married, and I hold a lot of blame and responsibility for that. I fell in love with his best friend. I told Y that I did not think I was cut out for the monogamy thing, and that in my ideal world I would live in a polyamorous marriage, because I still loved my husband. We have tried to work with it, with some victories and tribulations. I have asked him very seriously about two or three times over the two years if the choice to stay with me was ultimately doing a disservice to Y, and Y has insisted on sticking it out. I am happy to report his jealousy spells have been far less frequent since the new year, so it's certainly not been easy, but I think we are meshing better with it now.

LD and HD was a new term to me until now. I do agree it can pose its own challenges to a relationship, and changes over a lifetime.

I generally agree that some people have different beliefs (mono vs poly), and that is probably an accurate representation of what my situation is. I guess I get frustrated because I badly want to advance poly as a discussion point for society, and realize I have a way to go right at home, much less outside it.
 
Monogamy-centric doctrine will be with us for a long time. Part of that doctrine is that romantic love is a scarce/limited resource. In order to give some romantic love to one partner, you have to give less romantic love to another partner. More to the point, monogamy-centric doctrine teaches that each of us only contains enough romantic love to suffice for one other person.

A point that must be granted to the monogamy-centric people is that each added partner does result in a smaller amount of time and energy that will be available to each partner. Every polyamorist has a maximum number of partners they can maintain without shortchanging one or more partners in terms of time and energy. And for some people ... that maximum number is one.

Anyway, talking about polyamory on this forum does help advance the cause of polyamory, even if your husband is slow to come around to your side of the argument. And it sounds to me like there's hope that he will come around, in due time. So keep a hopeful spirit!
 
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