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-   -   Thunder's big problem need opinions and help please... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4196)

Thunder 11-12-2010 07:43 AM

Thunder's big problem need opinions and help please...
Lately I've Had this issue with my, Girls/Guys. They seem to think I have no reasons to get mad at them for some stuff I see as a slap in a face or something of a matter. I don't know if they see what they do all the time. It's not all 6 of them it is just 4 that seem to do it. I get annoyed first off cause one of them will ask if I want to go do something with them that usually costs money... I'm usually more broke then all of them so I guess they just assume I have no money or w/e. I understand that no one always wants to pay for me for stuff as well as I would not want them to cause it feels like I'm just a burden. But lately they have this thing of asking me if I want to do something and then 10 min later when I decide ok ill go one of them will be like well d you have money or make something else to say up to make it seem like they really don't want me to go with them. So it feels like I'm just their annoyance that at last second they want to ditch me for w/e reason. But thats only one of the issues I need some opinions on it if possible... Haven't really thought out the other issues fully yet so I may just post again later. :confused:

Breathesgirl 11-12-2010 10:49 AM

A lot of things are really just your perception of them (general you, not specifically). Have you sat everyone down and talked to them about it? They can't know what's going on with you if you don't tell them.

Have you made less expensive suggestions of your own? Going for a walk, bike ride, picnic (in season), helping prepare a meal together, cuddle time while watching a movie, board/card games are all cheaper (or free!) alternatives to money items

gomugirl1656 11-12-2010 03:51 PM

Breathesgirl had some great suggestions. I don't really have much to add except to say, be honest, and hang in there, Thunder.

Thunder 11-12-2010 05:29 PM

It probably is my perception of thing I don't know. For the most part it really hasn't been just things with money that they do it. Maybe I'll try to sit and talk to them and see what happens. Cause I know I do have the tenancy to be irrational some times. I really appreciate the tips and help though *Breathesgirl* and thank you for the encouragement *gomugirl1656* :)

redpepper 11-12-2010 06:34 PM

I think that you really need to address these sorts of things with the people involved. There is really not much anyone could say I don't think as we are not there and not you... communication is a first really. it sounds like you are off to do that. Let us know how it goes?

Thunder 11-12-2010 11:22 PM

Well so far I have talked about it with 2 of them and I got everything sorted out with them at least. I am figuring out that yea even though I hate confrontation and talking about feelings its gonna happen weather or not I like it. I'm trying to get passed my shyness about talking with others and so far it's very difficult but I think as long as I try it'l get easier to be open bout my problems and hopefully easier to solve most of them.

Tonberry 11-13-2010 12:55 AM

I think it's possible that they don't want to get you broke, nor exclude you... I think a lot of people have been in a situation where one person would do things they couldn't afford to stay with their friends, and ended up in debt... Maybe they're worried you're agreeing to do things that are too expensive because you don't want to be left out.
In which case, it's possible they're trying to tell you "we can do something else if it's better for you" to reassure you that they do realise you have less money than they do. It's possible they're trying to be thoughtful and certainly not to annoy you.

I think a good way around that problem would be to discuss activities together and incorporate some that are cheap or free. Or you could plan activities and "pool" for them, where everyone puts in the same amount of money proportionally to their income or something, so that it seems fair to everyone (you'd have to discuss it of course) and then the whole group uses that money to go on activities, rather than everyone paying for themselves.

In my experience, I've been the one who had more money and the one who had less money, and usually when you're the one with the money, you'd rather pay for someone else to have the enjoyment of having them around, because the money you'd save isn't worth having to be away from them. All the same, when you're the one with less money you do feel bad for not pulling your weight, but then you can do things for others that don't cost money in return.

Seems to me that since you are all a big unit, it might make sense for you guys to discuss these things all together. I think if my network was that big I'd have a weekly council where everyone could bring up stuff they wanted to discuss and they'd be resolved with everyone :p

MariusdeRomanus 11-13-2010 01:35 AM

Just for some added perspective, only four of us have jobs. Andulvar makes the most, Vegeta and Company make about the same, and Selene makes the least due to a very small vet hospital thing. Thunder gets money from the government, and Ariel and I make nothing unless we do a bake sale or something else extra.

I'm a very group-oriented person. Generally, I want everyone to be there for everything. Since I don't have my own personal income, sometimes this is difficult to maneuver with the group, as our finances stand. I'm perfectly willing to do things that don't require money, as we used to do this when we were a bit younger, or go on the super-cheap. It doesn't bother me at all.

However, I think that being able to have time alone with certain people at a time is also valuable. It's hard for me to get closer to people if the group is large... I would feel like that closeness was mostly superficial. Considering our boundaries, getting close sometimes has to happen with one partner AND their primary.

That being said, our relationship is still new... there's lots of time to perfect communication and issues such as this. I'm willing to be patient and roll along with everyone else's speed. :)

nycindie 11-13-2010 09:50 AM

Maybe everyone could contribute a few bucks here and there to a household "kitty" (or the "pussy" as my friend and her roommate used to call theirs) that would be used for special occasions, emergencies, or to help one of you out when needed. Once you put money in a kitty, you forget about it, and it becomes everyone's. It doesn't have to be a set amount from each person, could be as simple as throwing in the change after you pay for pizza, a five you find in your jeans on laundry day, or whatever. You could figure out some guideline on how to use it. Then whoever needs help from the kitty wouldn't feel like they're burdening anyone, it's collective money. Just a thought.

Breathesgirl 11-13-2010 02:40 PM

Actually the kitty idea is a very good one.

We have a tin for laundry change so why not one for miscellaneous stuff? It would help my kids too as there would then be change for an unexpected bus ride, swimming, coffee, etc.

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