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-   -   The Notebook of JaneQSmythe (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=26494)

Mya 12-13-2012 12:47 PM

It's interesting to read about your OKC adventure since I, too, just created a profile there a couple weeks ago and am trying to get the hang of it. I've already met two people and have dates planned with three other people. I never thought this would happen so fast! But the creepy guys.. Today I got a message "how often do u wash?". :rolleyes:

nycindie 12-13-2012 01:33 PM


Originally Posted by Mya (Post 171707)
Today I got a message "how often do u wash?". :rolleyes:

OH MY!!! :eek:

BrigidsDaughter 12-14-2012 12:52 AM

I've been chatting regularly with one guy on OKCupid, though not actually on OKCupid. He and I met there and I realized that he was the same guy Runic Wolf's ex was casually dating. We met him in October when he came to our October poly event. She and I are still close and we went to her house for her annual holiday dinner in early November where he and I talked some more. He's aware that I am only looking for friendship with males (I am saturated with male relationship energy), but am looking to date women. So far I haven't had a single reply to any of my messages to females. Though I've gotten views from couples looking for a third that just isn't what I want.

JaneQSmythe 12-14-2012 04:56 AM


Originally Posted by BrigidsDaughter (Post 171846)
Though I've gotten views from couples looking for a third that just isn't what I want.

I've had a few views from "couples looking for a third" as well. Interesting to me is how LOW of a match % OKC gives us. I don't know if that is because my profile is based on ME and theirs is an amalgamation of two people, or if I am really that far from the "unicorn hunter" in terms of basic philosophy.

Sure, it would be awesome if someone I met really "clicked" with one or the other or both of my boys...but that is, by NO means, a requirement or an expectation. My expectation (which might be a requirement) is that said "potential" be respectful of my existing relationships - in the sense that they don't expect me to "break up" with someone in order to be with them.

MrS has always been fine with me conducting my relationships with women in whatever way I (and they) feel appropriate. (Actually, they don't actually have to meet him if they don't want to, as long as he knows that they know that he exists.) I haven't met anyone new since Dude came into the picture (he has now met all of my current FWBs), I suspect he will be a LOT more curious about meeting them than MrS (his personality - not his insecurity). I have spoken to him extensively that just because someone is bisexual doesn't mean that they are interested in EVERYONE (we had an example, early on in our adventure, where he assumed that two bi-women who were interested in him would therefore be interested in each other...NOT SO...I haven't written about this yet...perhaps I should catch my other blog up :rolleyes:)


JaneQSmythe 12-29-2012 11:05 PM

A Curious Nephew
Kids are way more perceptive than we give them credit for.

Just today, we three were at my sister's house for our Christmas get-together. I was off playing with my 7 year old nephew and we were chatting about this and that that popped into his head. At one point in the conversation we we talking about how each of the people are related to each other - how I am his "aunt" and MrS's "wife" and his mom's "sister", so he comes out with "What about Dude?"

Hmmm...how to handle this. I say he is MrS's "friend" and our "roommate" and he comes out with: "I heard mom and dad talking and I thought, like maybe, you have two husbands. DO you have two husbands?" Yikes!

Now, we are not officially "out" as poly to our families. "Officially" they know that Dude has been living with us for 2 years, that we vacation together, they invite him to "family" functions (they know he is estranged from his own family), etc. These are not stupid people - I'm sure they "know", to some degree, what is going on. But we have not discussed it openly...and probably won't for some time, if ever ("not prying" is valued in my family, and we don't talk about "private/intimate" topics like sex). A note here, my sister and her husband are VERY religious, and their church is very small BUT gossip is very frowned upon.

So now I am faced with a dilemma. How do I answer this question in a way that a.) is honest (NOT lying to children is very important in my family) and b.) won't contradict any explanation for Dude's presence that my sister may provide to my nephew? What is a seven year old's concept of "husband" anyway?

My answer, to the question "DO you have two husbands?": "Hmmmm...not quite, but almost." (This seemed to satisfy him, and he moved on to other topics - namely Star Wars and Legos.) I feel like I should call my sister and let her know a.) his question and b.) my answer - so that she can take that into account if he brings up the subject with them. (I just have this mental picture of him announcing to his Sunday School class - when there is some story about a biblical character with multiple wives - that Aunt Jane has two husbands.)

BUT I don't actually want to have a conversation with my sister about our situation - I'm perfectly happy with the state of vague acceptance (a familial DADT if you will) that we have now. MrS says that I am over-thinking things and that it is perfectly ok to just let it slide and that my answer was vague enough that they can still re-frame my nephew's interpretation if needed.

Damn, kids...


GalaGirl 12-30-2012 04:29 AM

I think it was vague enough. Don't overthink it.


So now I am faced with a dilemma. How do I answer this question in a way that a.) is honest (NOT lying to children is very important in my family) and b.) won't contradict any explanation for Dude's presence that my sister may provide to my nephew? What is a seven year old's concept of "husband" anyway?
If it comes up again, could say: "I am married to Mr S. I am not married to Dude. But we're roomies and all best friends." There. Legally married means one legal husband right now. It is honest and age appropriate, and if REPEATED by the child to someone else doesn't stir hooha anywhere that would come back on you.

A kid that age can have a concept of a "husband" and a "best friend" -- so its not using big words they don't have a handle on.

Since you are not "out" to your family and don't seem to be inclined to go there at this time, that could work "good enough for now" and when things change as the kid grows, you can adjust your responses then.

And for entertaining conversation, could ask the kid "Well, what do you think a husband is? What should a husband be able to do around the house?" just to know where his little brain is at at this age.

Or go safe with other conversation paths:
  • "Do you think one day you might get married? Would you have a big wedding cake or a small one? "
  • "Do you think one day you would have a roommate? Would you live in the city or the country?"
  • "Do you have good friends this year in school? Are they totally new or old friends from last year's class?"

Early elementary school is still very self centered -- they want your attention as THEIR audience so they can yammer at you about THEIR stuff. It's not so much about you too much.


JaneQSmythe 01-11-2013 04:35 AM

Thanks GG!
Thanks GG for the reply - I will certainly keep your post in mind if it comes up again (which I'm sure it will - that kid is SHARP - always pondering...) I'm glad that you agree with my husband that my ("OMG WTF") off-the-cuff answer was vague enough. I have spoken to my sister a few times since then and nothing has come up, so the waters seem still at the moment.

To be perfectly honest, I am proud of the way that my family has accepted Dude into our "inner circle" withOUT needing to define specifically his role. To be fair, this is not terribly different from how MrS got gradually included years ago - when we were living together but not "officially" engaged. In my family, you can speculate to your heart's content in private but making someone who is obviously "important" to someone you care about feel uncomfortable or unwanted is NOT DONE.


JaneQSmythe 01-11-2013 04:40 AM

Love...and social functions.
Today, I was contemplating the fact that my husband loves me. I mean he really, really LOVES me. Apparently, he loves me in a way that is readily apparent to anyone who sees us together. People comment on it, which surprises me. See (those of you who have read my other blog know this already), my relationship with MrS was my first relationship, so in my subconscious this is how relationships are “supposed” to work. We talk to each other, we trust each other, we love each other, we want to please each other, we want each other to be happy – over time (20 years), we get better and better at each of these. Of COURSE we do – that's kind of the whole point!

So what does he do that makes it so obvious to outsiders that he loves me, that I am so used to that I don't see what all the fuss is about? (To be clear, I know that he loves me, I am not in doubt about that. I just am so curious as to what other people are seeing.)

As an example, he takes me, at my request (which I make rarely, as I know he doesn't enjoy this sort of thing*), to an office Christmas party at one of my staff's houses. These are not people that he knows well (although he has met them in passing and they know of him through stories I have told) or would normally socialize with (although they are fine, nice people), this is not his sort of gathering (or mine, I am not a “networking” kind of girl). So what happens?

1.)I am chatting with various office folk (which is my “job” at this sort of social gathering). MrS refreshes my plate with various tidbits of food (that are my favorites, the man knows the food I like!) so I don't have to interrupt my conversations to stay fed.

2.)He joins my “team” playing Pictionary (not his thing at all) and good-naturedly takes his turn, engaging the rest of the team with bemused facial expressions when he can't draw worth a damn and rooting/cheering me on as I slay the opposition.

3.)He fetches me water as he refills my drink and has me rehydrate as he tells other spouses amusing work-related stories (all tasteful and appropriate) about being married to someone in my profession.

4.)As the night wears on (and I am getting tipsy) he gently points out as people are leaving, so I can make my farewells and not leave anyone out. As things wind down he escorts me around to make my final goodbyes to the remaining guests and our hosts as we gather our coats (he helps me into mine and helps me find my gloves).

5.)He tucks me into the passenger seat, makes sure I have my purse and belongings and my seatbelt is securely fastened and drives me home.

The next day various staff members comment on how much my husband obviously loves me, how do they know? The general gist that I get is that it hinges on the fact that he is “paying attention” to what my needs/wants are and helping me do what I am supposed to do at such functions – talk and socialize with my workmates. But, I have to say that I am somewhat bemused, OF COURSE he does these things! I “have” to go to this social thingy, he agrees to go with with me to support that, he supports me by helping me do a good “job” at the social thingy (I'm an introvert, this is “work” for me – having MrS there to smooth the path makes it less “work”). If he was just going to mope and withdraw because it wasn't his “thing” then what would be the point of agreeing to go in the first place?!


* I actually have made a “rule” about it – we can ask each other to attend two “social” functions a year that the other would rather decline if we feel the need for “spousal attendance.” Weddings, funerals, work functions, etc. I think limiting the number of times we drag each other to gatherings we would rather avoid a.) makes us (me) pick-and-choose the most important and b.) ensures that the “dragee” gives their best effort on those few occasions.

PS. We actually both have "fail-safe" type of excuses (work-related) we can use if asked why our spouse is not with us at such functions...so one is perfectly free to attend without the other if we are so inclined. I have no need to be 100% honest with people who have no business being so nosy...

opalescent 01-11-2013 03:52 PM

Love is a verb. It is actions done again and again over time. The statement 'I love you' is just the beginning. MrS clearly understands that. He has taken the time to understand you, and figure out how to support you. Then he does the little things it takes to actually be supportive. He walks the walk so to speak. And yes it would be obvious even to people who don't know the both of you well. Unfortunately it is less common than one would hope. I am amazed at how nasty or indifferently some people treat their supposed loved ones.

JaneQSmythe 01-12-2013 01:05 AM


Originally Posted by opalescent (Post 177271)
... MrS clearly understands that. He has taken the time to understand you, and figure out how to support you. Then he does the little things it takes to actually be supportive. He walks the walk so to speak. ...

I think that you are exactly right. A friend of ours once asked MrS how he always knows just what will make me happy, that he should write a "how to" book. MrS says Chapter One would be "Pay Attention." - not really paying attention to me personally (although sometimes I want that) but paying attention to what I like, what makes me uncomfortable, what relaxes me, what energizes me. For me, it isn't about big presents and flashy sweeping declarations of love - it's setting up the coffee pot before he goes to bed if I have an early day, noticing when I need cuddles and when I need quiet when I get home from work, bringing me tasty foods to try, etc. (To be fair, MrS says I'm "easy to please" - it doesn't take a lot to get me grinning at his thoughtfulness :p)

I am truly a "lucky girl"!


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