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-   -   The Notebook of JaneQSmythe (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=26494)

JaneQSmythe 06-03-2017 01:08 AM

Here, but silent...
I haven't been posting for the last week or so because my laptop crapped out (probably as a result of the Rum-and-Coke I fed it a few weeks ago! :p) I have been reading and REALLY wanted to reply on numerous occasions but my computer has been "read only".

Dude replaced my keyboard yesterday so I am back!

No updates poly-wise but stuff on the Old House is actually happening! Landscapers came and tore out all the old shit and mulched and planted. Contractor friend gave us a bid on replacing the tub and shower. Dude bought the rough lumbar for the stairs (with some left over for the Forever House projects).

In other news, MrS decided to go back on meds for his anxiety and is now sleeping. Thank. Fuck. With MrS more happy I have got my libido back and Dude and I have had more sex in the past week than in the previous MONTHS. (It is hard for me to be sexual with someone else when I am stressed...masturbation is unaffected, go figure...)

JaneQSmythe 06-03-2017 01:18 AM

Oh, the "date"...
The "date" was...meh. We met, we ate (which was the best part! - awesome restaurant...took SLeW there a few weeks later), we went back to her place, we had a sex session, which was pleasant but not...inspirational?

No regrets, but no need to repeat. So we..."ghosted" on each other?:rolleyes:

I don't think I am suited to "dating"...TOO. MUCH. DAMN. EFFORT. when I have a few people in my life that I KNOW I like to spend time with...why bother for probable mediocre sex?

JaneQSmythe 07-02-2017 03:27 AM


Originally Posted by GirlFromTexlahoma (Post 361813)
...So I tried to maneuver things such that he was still getting stimulated but I wasn't. Because I'm ok with him thinking that's sexy, and getting off on it, but it's just an instant off switch for me, and I don't want to be touched sexually when I'm off.

He got weird, kept asking what was up, so I explained as gently as I could - hey, that's just not sexy for me, I'll be up for more if/when you're done with that dirty talk. He got upset, we both ended up in tears...

Had a similar experience with Dude recently...hard for him to understand a different perspective, hard for me to be gentle when I am OFF.


More later...

JaneQSmythe 04-23-2018 02:46 AM

Hmmm... I noticed that my sig was out of date and when I went to update it I realized that I hadn't posted an update in quite a while.

Yet again, life keeps on chugging along and before you know it ... time has passed.

Family stuff last August and we had to put my dog down.:(

MrS did his research and found us a new rescue. She is soo sweet and mellow. Like, after all the shitty stuff that happened to her she's like - "Bed. Food. Pettings. Life is glorious - no need to get worked up over stuff - chill out, it's all OK." She and SLeW's new rescue are the best of friends (she is HUGE and he is tiny - watching them play is fabulously amusing :p)

Only problem is that she thinks that cat=snack:confused:. The cat is too old to train another dog so I moved my computer into the spare room and he is now my "home office cat"

So the flurry of work on the old house that I was talking about last year? Petered out and got put aside for other things. Again. So? I went ahead and hired the contractor I had give me an estimate last year. 1/2 the money is paid and he starts a week from Monday.

Dude and I had a huge blow-out in the fall and then another one in December that just about wrecked us. Somewhere in there MrS went off his meds and we had our own blow-out. Things are calmer now and I have learned that I need to just speak up before things become untenable - I hate confrontation but intermittent explosions don't bode well for anyone.

Once the old house is sold I plan on doing some renovations on the ForeverHome so that we each have our own space and don't have to be all three on top of each other all the time (or at least all the time I am home). Actually, moving my computer to the "cat room" is a good trial run. MrS or Dude will periodically come in and invite me out to "people" with them or watch a movie - so our time together is more intentional as opposed to incidental.

On the poly front - not a lot to report. Dude has been to a couple of Regional Burner Events and slept with a few festival girl-friends. As long as they use condoms and Dude doesn't overshare I don't have too much trouble with this.

SLeW is seeing a new guy - she has been friends with this one for a while but only recently have they officially started dating. MrClean has himself smitten over his newest flame so his relationships with SLeW and I are purely "flirty platonic".

Work is...better. Still hard, but not as gruelling as the year before. I am not feeling as burned out and overwhelmed. Partly due to better staffing but also, as my anxiety has improved (meds and therapy) I am able to prioritize my responsibilities better and tell my OCD tendencies that some tasks are not worthy of the time it takes to achieve perfection.:cool:

So - all is well!

Off to do my research on LTCI (Long Term Care Insurance) which is the next part of my FIRE (Financial Independence Retire Early) plan - 'cause poly is exciting right?;)

JaneQSmythe 04-29-2018 02:06 AM

Response to another thread got too long - moved it here.


Originally Posted by Noyse (Post 390775)
Has anyone else maintained different relationship styles with different people at the same time? How'd it go?

Ideally, I think that being open to each relationship taking the shape that fits it best is going to work smoother in the long term.

I am an introvert and a homebody. I also don't make a big deal about defining exactly what my relationship is with people. I keep few enough people in my "inner circle" that each relationship is uniquely defined. Whether they are my friend, lover, partner, family member or some other blend.

Some people prefer to know "what we are to each other" so they can manage their expectations - I prefer to not have expectations that aren't based on personal history/interactions. Some people are discomfited by that. Honestly? They get over that or our "relationship" falls by the wayside (generally at the "friendship" level - before we would ever get further than that).

Example, my friend Angel, several years into our "best friendship" she told me that she had been making an "exception" for me. She usually drops people who don't send her holiday cards or remember her birthday (these relate to her "love languages"). Those are things that I am absolutely terrible at.:rolleyes: Apparently, at one point, she got mad and didn't contact me, she was waiting for me to notice and ask her what was wrong. I didn't. Per her story she contacted me at some point and we picked up where we had left off. (Which is how I generally operate - if you want to tell me something, then I will listen, if you don't volunteer, I won't ask.)

To be honest, I never noticed. At some point I may have said to myself, "Hmmm, I haven't heard from Angel in a while...well, she will call me if she needs me." Clearly, I must have other qualities that people appreciate - You need a shoulder to cry on? Check. You need a night out and are short on funds? Check. You need a couch to crash on and food in your tummy? Check. Remembering your birthday? Not so much.:eek:

SLeW and I have a meme along the lines of - "You have different friends for different reasons. I am not the friend you need for THAT!" She is mono, if she needs sympathy because her "flame of the moment" appreciated the shape of another woman's bottom - NOT IT! Needs advise on hair care products - NOT IT! Have an STI or pregnancy scare and needs to talk out options - THAT is totally me!

So, to close the loop on the OP's question above - it depends. My partners and I live together - if someone wants to be "kitchen table" and everyone gets along then great. If not, then they can use their own kitchen table and "parallel" with folks that aren't comfy there. Just sayin'...

JaneQSmythe 06-27-2018 03:46 AM

Not particularly poly related but ... I am finally getting close to getting rid of Old House (which has been an albatross around my neck and a major source of conflict between me and Dude) after 7 long years. I hired a contractor to finish the renovations, found a Real Estate Agent to do "all the things" and have, as of 2 hours ago, accepted a very reasonable counter-counter-offer.

Cannot wait for the day I only own ForeverHome!

Atlantis 06-27-2018 03:52 AM

That's good news. It has been something you have wanted to do for a while. Check the box!

JaneQSmythe 07-21-2018 05:16 AM

Lately, I've found myself reading threads but not inclined to add anything - the points I would make generally being made by others.

I thought I was going to have to meet Dude's festival girlfriend this week, and a few recent threads made me consider how I really felt about this ... but I didn't have to, and so my thoughts on the topic are still unresolved.

There is a new co-worker that I think that I would like to be friends with - but am undecided on whether it is "safe" to out myself to her. So I haven't...

I really, really, really love my husband. He is pretty much my favorite person ever. But we don't really have a sexual relationship anymore - I worry whether I should be worried about this, 'cause I'm not, mostly. (It was more of an issue when we were trying to conceive.) He is, we think, on the grey-asexual spectrum.

Dude and I, on the other hand - very physically sexual relationship... and I want to strangle him multiple times a week (at least). We may be too much alike (which I warned him of early on).

Between the two boys, my platonic girlfriend SLeW, and my long-time "others" that I see occasionally I am not really wanting for any new attention, yet I like to leave myself open to possibilities...

JaneQSmythe 07-21-2018 05:33 AM

Conversation with MrClean earlier this week - his live-in girlfriend (dating for 10 months, living together since beginning of June) was planning on going out with a few of her bisexual female friends and, having never had any girl-on-girl experience was curious about that and asked him how he would feel if "something happened", and would that be "cheating"?

He answered truthfully, that he entered into their relationship with and understanding of a mutual expectation of monogamy - and for him that means NOT sharing sexual intimacy with other people, regardless of gender. He doesn't know how he would feel, since he hasn't experienced that situation, but feels that he would feel jealous and insecure and it could very well end their relationship. Which, to him, doesn't mean that he is telling her what she can and cannot do - but acknowledging that this could be a deal-breaker for him.

IF she were to pursue her bi-curious tendencies, since he doesn't feel that gender of the new partner is relevant, then he says that he would feel that he should be able to pursue "outside interests" as well - since he is straight, then that would mean that he could see other women.

At this point I have to admit that I think that I would, in all likelihood, be the "other women" in that scenario - so I am not an impartial observer. One reason that I have never pursued anything further with him is that he is looking for a life-partner to raise his (and her) kids with in a "white-picket-fence" sort of way. He's an incurable romantic and I would not ever want to be a stumbling block to his ideal.

more later, sleep time now..

JaneQSmythe 07-30-2018 03:56 AM

The Old House is NO MORE!

(OK, it still exists but it is no longer my problem!)

After 7 fucking YEARS of hearing that they (mostly he, Dude) were going to get cracking on it - I took matters into my own hands. Hired a real contractor and ... SOLD THE DAMN HOUSE! We closed on Friday...It is OVER.

Celebrations and libations all around!

It's still sinking in - I am looking forward to not carrying a ball of "angry" around. (I could ignore it most of the time, but it was always there.)

My financial planning for FIRE (Financial Independence Retire Early) can get back on track. (It didn't stop entirely because of Old House - but things were not moving as quickly as I would have liked.)

No more second mortgage payment/tax payments/insurance payments, no more water/sewer bills (ForeverHome has a well and septic system), only one electric bill (and I now have the capital to look into alternative energy sources)

After paying off the obvious debts, my plan is to sit on the balance (representing my equity in the Old House) until after Tax Season. Our student loans are at 1.625% and 3%. Our mortgage on ForeverHome is 3.5%. So I feel like I can take a breath here. (we have no other debt - Credit Cards will be paid in full, no car loans, etc.)

The cheapest student loan will be paid off in less than a year doing nothing. I have enough to pay off the 3% student loan but not the whole 3.5% mortgage, and mortgage rates are higher now - so refinancing is likely not a real factor. (I already re-fi'd once to get us to 3.5% - borrowing money from Dad which was the "obvious" debt.)

My initial instinct is to let the 1.625% run itself out (paying $1.30 in interest each month) Pay off the 3% and use the money freed up by not paying a second mortgage to double up payments on the 3.5% mortgage. AFTER we settle up on the taxes for 2018.

I have been working on getting the rest of our insurance situation in place. MrS and I just signed up for LTCI (long term care insurance). I am not convinced to include Dude in that planning. With no income and no assets, it might be more cost effective to let him throw himself on the low income bandwagon and then pay for necessities/extras out of pocket.

I did talk to him about this a few times, but he is not at all concerned - either he thinks he is just going to drop dead gracefully without any complications OR, because he has no money, throw himself on the mercy of the government (which he doesn't trust...so not sure why he thinks THAT is a good idea). SO... if he isn't willing to plan then why should I? (Duh, cause I am going to end of paying anyway...if he is still around, I won't let him get substandard care - Maybe he is banking on me bailing him out? BUT I honestly thing that he just doesn't think that far ahead.)

Fuck, I am just wealthy enough that this matters, but NOT so wealthy that it doesn't.

I feel a little weird pulling his credit report and making plans for him the way I do for MrS since, legally, I have no right to do so. BUT he won't do it himself and he has given me carte blanche to do what I think is best.

Bluebird does a great job of balancing the finances for her MFM Vee - I am now feeling empowered to do the best I can with mine.

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