On the outside, looking in.

clairegoad

New member
I've been lurking for a while. It's time to post.

I'm a 49 year old (my birthday is Monday) hetero female who was in a mono relationship for many years. BK and I broke up, two years ago. Via the Internet, he met & started dating a married woman who lives many states away (Bar). I knew they were flirting shamelessly online, but it never dawned on me...

And then Bar said in an e-mail that they have a physical romantic relationship, I have been wrapping my mind around Polyamory.

Then in the course of explaining their relationship to me, BK mentions that my 23 yo daughter is in a Triad. Well, I've avoided labels with her, because... well, I'm her mother. "Daughter" is the only label I care about. But that does explain the couple she kept talking about.

I have been wrapping my mind around Polyamory. I went to a Tampa Poly meeting at TGIFridays - mentioned on another thread. Great group of people, friendly, warm, interesting. Lots of Sci-fi fans. And I remember reading The Moon is a Harsh Mistress by Heinlein. I always wanted the stability of a line marriage. Maybe... next time.

So my goal is to be ready for a relationship... poly or not. And adopt the "continuous personal growth" philosophy that I've seen many write.

So I'm just a celebate hetero female. Currently uninvolved, just watching.. learning, and taking notes. :)
 
Welcome aboard.
 
Nice to meet you Claire, and thnaks for the background research you did on the term polyamory in a different thread. Happy birthday!

Immaterial
 
I've been lurking for a while. It's time to post.

I....Currently uninvolved, just watching.. learning, and taking notes. :)

Nice way to be... and when the time comes and you want to take the dive, you'll be well informed. Good for you!
 
Nice way to be... and when the time comes and you want to take the dive, you'll be well informed. Good for you!

It's actually very self serving.. I dated the same man for 20 years. Everything has changed. While individuals may still act in traditional ways, the general culture has moved beyond the rules I learned as a teen. (Women don't call men. Don't kiss on the first date. Don't have sex to avoid getting pregnant. If a man pays for dinner, he'll expect sex. etc.)

So learning from y'all... I see the broader picture. Eventually I may become involved in a poly relationship... but I'd have to start with myself.. with the communication skills, and strategies. Because I've got options now. --but I don't have time to act on every option.

and I really do love Heinlein, and it is time to hunt down The Moon is a Harsh Mistress and read it again.
 
Hello clairegoad!

Hi,it seems we're in somewhat of a similar place in our lives re: the poly lifestyle.My husband and I would love to meet that special woman/couple to share our lives with,we have so much to give;unfortunately can't see it happenning due to our location.

I'm also new to the forum,but welcome! There's so much to learn here.
 
Hi,it seems we're in somewhat of a similar place in our lives re: the poly lifestyle.My husband and I would love to meet that special woman/couple to share our lives with,we have so much to give;unfortunately can't see it happening due to our location.

I'm also new to the forum,but welcome! There's so much to learn here.

You don't mention where you live. I've recently been looking around okcupid. There are quite a few polys there. Be open to possibilities.

In talking about this, I've found polys tend to create a setting where they are open to loving multiple people, and they find the people to love. Some people don't even know that "poly" is what they are... they've just created a relationship with more than the standard number of legs, arms, etc.

It seems that when swingers get tired of the swinging scene, some settle down into Quads or other Poly friendly groupings. Monos or singles can fold into a relationship with polys.

Don't just look for the label. Look at the person, and how they would fit into your life.

Okay, maybe you live in a remote part of Montana, and there isn't anyone nearby. There's always the option of someone coming to visit, at least for a while to establish a relationship.
 
We're both retired and have made our new home in the central american country of Belize. Having only been here a few months does not lend to being in the know as to where/how one would go about meeting others with similar lifestyles. I am bi,hubby str8,we're not seeking one night stands,but an LTR.

I do agree though,that one must be open to the unexpected!

Thanks.:)
 
Update

So in the past several months, much has changed.

I've been confronting the irrational beliefs that were left from my last relationship.

  • I'm not attractive.
  • I don't deserve sex.
  • I don't like sex (yes, he told me... that *I* don't like sex.)
  • I'm too fat for sex.

I've found people who say they are poly, but they are interested in sex first, and relationship later. Which seems rather swingerish to me. At this point, I'm leaning more towards swinging. I'd like to see what is out there. My goal is to settle into a poly relationship.

In the meantime, I've gotten a job, and have an hour commute. I'm renting a bedroom from a guy I met at a poly meeting. We're having wonderful conversations. And the combination of job and sex have greatly improved my confidence.

Meanwhile, I'm preparing to move, and life is far more interesting than I expected.

So I'm healing, and continuing on the journey.
 
I've been lurking for a while. It's time to post.

I'm a 49 year old (my birthday is Monday) hetero female who was in a mono relationship for many years. BK and I broke up, two years ago. Via the Internet, he met & started dating a married woman who lives many states away (Bar). I knew they were flirting shamelessly online, but it never dawned on me...

...

So I'm just a celebate hetero female. Currently uninvolved, just watching.. learning, and taking notes. :)

----------------------
HAPPY BIRTHAY TO YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU :D

This seems clever... just open your mind to "other styles" other beaviours...

It is probable that you will be attracted towards someone, that you may include in your life (and you in his/her life...).

As soon as you notice this attraction.. let it come, accept it, use it, ride on it... and you will calmly accept other beauties that life may bring to you.

and last but not least, you will also bring happiness.. to another person...
 
anti-climactic...

Today Bar comes to visit BK...This is the reason I joined this forum, and went to the PolyTampa meetings... So I'd be able to "cope" with the situation.

Yep, that's how I planned on doing it.. coping.

Now that the day is here... so much has changed. I'm employed, am moving away from BK, have become friends with several groups of poly folks.

More so, I think I'm dating a poly couple. We don't really talk about it, but it feels like dating... and it is wonderful. It's all too new, and I'm busy enjoying, and don't want to analyze every comment or exchange... So I'm taking the experiences as they come... savoring the moments like a good meal.

I did enjoy a blast of NRE several weeks ago... went to several haunted houses with the husband... After a long day's work, a 90 minute drive, and I was still full of energy and bouncing through the haunted houses.

So the day is here... Bar is visiting BK, and I'm wishing them the best. Sent her an e-mail with a list of places/things she wanted to do during the visit. Smiled at the surprise he has for her, will be having dinner with them.. and it's all okay.

Anti-climactic. I thought this would be traumatic, I'd be curled in a corner crying. Now I realize this is an odd situation... he is my EX-boyfriend... but we were together for almost 2 decades. So it's not the same as a current bf meeting with his lover...

Maybe it is because I've explored new relationships, and realized that I was able to grow past that relationship, and that I was valued by others. I remember writing the e-mails.... and how I felt. and how I expected to feel today...

And I'm just looking forward to having coffee with them and catching up on everything that is going on. Amazing.

Ah, and thank you... because reading your stories has helped me. Meeting polys has helped me... Heck, even meeting some of the swingers (in RL) has helped me understand all of this.

Just thought I'd update y'all. I'm not saying much about my couple. I'm not ready to add labels to that relationship.
 
Anti-climactic. I thought this would be traumatic, I'd be curled in a corner crying. Now I realize this is an odd situation... he is my EX-boyfriend... but we were together for almost 2 decades. So it's not the same as a current bf meeting with his lover...

....

Ah, and thank you... because reading your stories has helped me. Meeting polys has helped me... Heck, even meeting some of the swingers (in RL) has helped me understand all of this.
Anticlimactic sounds like it'd be a good thing in this case. Glad to hear things are going well for you.
 
Changes...

So many changes lately.

I'm now single again... Not dating anyone. Still going to PolyTampa meetings.

Deciding what I want in a relationship.

When things were going well, I posted here. But when the relationships imploded, I was quiet.. I'm analyzing what went wrong..
 
Changes...

So many changes lately.

I'm now single again... Not dating anyone. Still going to PolyTampa meetings.

Deciding what I want in a relationship.

When things were going well, I posted here. But when the relationships imploded, I was quiet.. I'm analyzing what went wrong..

Hi!

I've found that my only certainty in life is that things change. :)

Glad you're back. I'm also working on that deciding thing.
 
Hi Claire.

It sounds like you've had a bit of a setback; sorry about that. It seems like you're approaching things with a constructive attitude, and will come out okay.

Nice to make your acquaintance; I had not read your thread before today.

With much regards,
Kevin T.
 
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