Raven's Cleverly Titled Blog

AlbertaRaven

New member
I’m Raven and I’ve been lurking around these parts for ages—2 years at least—without posting. Reading Elemental’s story has made me want to write my own. Hence, this blog! I like the exercise of writing and I don’t get to have too many conversations about poly and sex stuff so this should be a good place for me to jabber on. Comments are very welcome, thank you.

My current situation is pretty great. I’m seeing a fellow in a ‘non-monogamous, non-committed’ way. I’m not actively looking for other partners, nor is he, but I am definitely open to that. I guess what I consider myself doing at present is solo poly. I like it a lot because it strongly encourages me to be open and honest with my fellow, James, and it enables me to continue my connection with Elemental without feeling guilty.

I’ve been seeing James for only a few months and I think we are still in NRE. The first blush has worn away but we are still excited when we get to see one another. He’s got a 3-year-old boy, Alex. I like to joke that I share custody of James with his son; when he doesn’t have Alex, I get to see him. The times when he does have Alex I have been spending alone or with pals, although I do often think about fitting another lover into that time because I want to have more sex. I am not motivated to go looking, though.

My fledgling career is fulfilling and quite promising. I’m happy at work. I just moved in with a long time girl pal, Helen, and I’m happy at home as well. I often feel guilty about sharing my happy feelings with people because I know I’m extremely lucky and most people have more stressors and worries than I do. That’ll be another good reason to keep a blog, I suppose: to be able to share my happy life without the guilt.

I think that’s about it for an introduction. Work, romantic life, personal life…oh yeah, I like to run and I’m 30. I like my city and try and stay engaged with local arts. I play boardgames and videogames with my friends for fun, and drink. I’m kinda silly at times and my worst quality, despite the fact that I’ve been working on it for a long time, is that I’m judgmental and forget to sympathize with people. I’ve had lots of poly experiences and most are what I’d call successful. Even the Triad of Doom and Despair I had probably wasn’t permanently scarring (I hope) and did teach me lots about poly and myself.

Part of my goal for this blog is for it to be honest and well-rounded. Yeah, life is cool now but I have issues too. I want to express both the positive and negative parts of life without getting too extreme one way or the other. That way, when I'm feeling extreme, I can re-read my blog to balance myself.

Tune in next time for: Raven’s everyday boring but nice life with James, with guest appearances by some couples at a swingers’ club!

Raven
 
It's always encouraging to hear when someone can practice polyamory in their life and (What a thought!) still live happily. That's one thing I like about your blog so far.

If there's any flies in the ointment this is a good place to vent, but in the meantime I'm glad to read your upbeat story. Will be following it as time goes on!

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I like your style, had me smiling the entire time. I look forward to reading your blog.
 
James

James and I have a very regular schedule because his time is dictated by when he can see his son. He separated from Alex’s mom last summer and has problems with her since, so he avoids rocking the boat at all. He is maybe the best dad I’ve ever seen, and his kid is very intelligent. I would like to see James more often, and especially I would like to have more sleepovers, but I try not to complain because he can’t do much to change the schedule right now and I never never want him to feel like I am asking him to choose time with me over time with the boy. Holy run-on sentence, Batman!

Because our schedule is very regular, we have a nice routine going. A nice, regular, routine. I do wish we could get out to blues jams more often, but I don’t care enough to make an effort to change! Mondays and Tuesdays we have a late night beer. Fridays we see my friends to play games, maybe see a show somewhere, or stay in to cook and drink. Every other Saturday and Sunday night I see him to cook and drink, and lately, go to the Swingers’ Club.

Have you tried going to one of those? I’d never really considered it except in a kinky sense, because I like the kink scene. I know I'd enjoy a kinky sex club but actually swinging, I thought, wouldn’t be for me. Nor would the public sex aspect.

Well, turns out I was wrong about that because swinging and doin’ it in public is hilarious, fun, and so decadently hedonistic. I’ve been having a blast so far, and it’s blowing James’ mind too. To be forthright, I’d been getting a little ho-hum about our sex life because although he’s massive, he’s not super-skilled. We have a decent chemistry, but I was getting a bit bored and starting to think about implementing change. I don’t blame him, to be clear, because I was letting things happen without being responsible for my own desires; I haven’t been telling him what I want, exactly. So it’s my responsibility.

At the club we just bounded right in. Luckily for us goofballs, the first couple we swung with were experienced and helped us set up boundaries before playing. That was super cool, a great intro to the club. During our second visit we weren’t outright pounced upon by anyone and James was ready to be the assertive couple, but I wasn’t. We held back for my sake and simply fucked each other while other couples fucked all around us. “Simply!” haha at one point I cleared my head and looked up to see every piece of furniture being used by couples and threesomes and foursomes. A real orgy!

The sex club has spiced things up quite nicely, and although I will still need to address the ‘me not coming during our sexy times’ situation, things are great. We don’t get to do it enough and it used to make me mental, but my sex drive lowered a little bit lately because I started a new job and moved house in the same week. I’m less mental…although I can feel the ol’ sex drive revving up again.

When I have asked for different things in bed, James has been really cool. I don’t expect any changes I need to be a problem for us. If I get to be needing more sexy times than James and I can have together, I’ll consider adding a lover. I might also consider adding a play partner to get the kinks out; James' kink is watching and being watched, whereas mine has always been linked to age play and BDSM. Anyway, it's not a problem now! Regular routine including sexy visits to sexy sex club to continue.
 
Sounds like you're taking charge of your desires to see that you get your needs met. That's a good idea!
 
Hey thanks Kevin and...Alibabe_muse? Is there a short form of your name you like to go by? Ali? I really like your blog, by the way. Keep it up!


Call me Ali and thanks.
 
Trying to Learn from History

It’s supposed to be inevitable that we repeat our mistakes but I think on an individual level we can definitely change. When I first started really practicing poly I didn’t have a name for it yet. I was crushing on a guy friend, Jack and girl-crushing on his long-term girlfriend, Leda. By “girl-crushing” I mean I was in friend NRE with her. We were all really excited to be around each other as much as we could. I spent a week staying at his place with them over a Christmas break from school, and slept in their bed with them. I lived with them over a summer break. I had a strong sexual connection to Jack and we began exploring it through heavy-duty makeouts. Leda claimed not to care what we did together (turned out to be completely true, she’s the least jealous lady in the world), but we couldn’t sleep together because I was supposedly in a monogamous relationship with another fella, Christian. Oddly, I never felt guilty about going behind Christian’s back to make out with Jack, although I should have because it was certainly wrong. That was my first real mistake with poly: cheating. It was a mild form of cheating but it was cheating nonetheless.

I had given Christian permission to sow his wild oats because I figured we’d be getting married and didn’t want him to miss out. He was inexperienced with sex and relationships. We got along great and it was a major shock to me when he broke up with me. He never really gave me a reason, but he did tell me that he’d been cheating. I was so pissed off that he felt the need to go behind my back when I’d already given him permission to sleep around, as long as he told me about the girls he slept with. I had also added that extremely naïve rule about “no emotional connections”. In any case, he cheated, I cheated, the relationship ended, I got over it quickly, and learned about poly.

The day after Christian dumped me I slept with Jack. I had to go back to school after that so we didn’t get to see each other again for a few weeks, but that summer we started fucking on the regular. After the first time (or maybe the first few times?) I felt guilty because I hadn’t had the conversation I needed to with Leda. I needed to make sure that she really was cool with what was happening. That was my second major poly mistake, not being as sure as possible about the poly expectations of other partners and metamours.

In any case, I eventually made myself talk to Leda and she was totally cool with me and my involvement with Jack. She wasn’t cool that he’d made representations to me about their rules that weren’t 100% honest, but I called him on it and so did she. It was a fun little summer fling…that continued when I lived with them the following summer.

The summer I lived with Jack and Leda was great, and I didn’t make any poly mistakes. I checked in with Leda before I restarted my sexual relationship with Jack, and I checked in with her a couple times over the summer to make sure she was still cool. After all, I was fucking her boyfriend, in her bed, sometimes with her sleeping in the next room. One time she came home and caught us doin’ it on the couch. I was so embarrassed but she told me not to be. She really didn’t care as long as we were being honest with her. We found out later that he’d been carrying on some kind of emotional affair with a girl from work, told her he loved her and everything. Leda cared big time about that, not because it was emotional, but because he felt the need to lie to her about it. She found his texts and there was a shit show. They got over it though.

So Leda and Jack were my first foray into poly. After Christian dumped me I found the poly terminology and, like so many other people on the forums, was like “holy crap that’s me, there are other people like that too? There’s a language around it? AWESOME”. I first started researching it thinking that a triad was what I wanted, and I kind of thought that a triad was the main way of doing poly. At least, I thought, poly-fi was the only way of doing poly. Looking back I know now that I definitely was practicing some decent poly with Jack and Leda, even though I didn’t think it was poly at the time.

Mistakes 1 and 2: cheating and not getting rules up front. I did cheat again since then and I’ll tell that horror story sometime. I haven’t ever made the second mistake again. Successful lesson learned!
 
Sounds like a good thing you had going there with Leda and Jack. Curious to find out how that all turned out.
 
Today

Leda and Jack broke up at Christmas. Leda finally got sick of his terrible temper and drinking problem. Their poly never quite worked properly because he is an awfully jealous person, and couldn't manage to tell the truth about who he slept with. I feel bad for him because he thought Leda was his one-and-only, but they are trying to be friends. I think they're better as friends.

I get to see James tonight. He’s done work at 9:00 and I go to bed around 10:30 so it’s a short visit. In the last couple weeks I’ve been going to bed and leaving him to play Mario Kart with Leda, but that’s not going to work anymore because she feels obliged to entertain him and doesn’t want to. Fair enough, I say, so I’ll have to kick him out when I go to bed.

James and I have an extraordinarily healthy thing going. Communication is naturally easy between us, luckily, and every time I check in with him we’re on the same page. Enjoying the non-monogamy thing, enjoying seeing each other regularly. We’ve gotten close enough to share personal issues, more than just venting. I’ve cried in front of him and vice-versa. I definitely love him as a friend. Wouldn’t quite say that I’m “in love” with him, though. Something is holding me back from fully getting there. I might not ever fall; his life situation is not great, although he’s got a great attitude about it. I don’t think I’m being judgmental when I assume that the disparity in our life situations would make for trouble if we were to commit--although it works just fine now so who knows? Maybe I am being judgmental and don’t want to commit to a dude in his shoes?

I wonder if I can fall in love with someone to whom I’m not committed? Oh duh I just realized that I know the answer to that: yes. I’m in love with Elemental. I have no attachments to that, they were wiped completely away by end of the Triad. It’s a very nice being in love, there’s no expectations, no promises, no certainties of any kind. I don’t care if he’s “in love” back, although I know he does love me as a pal. I am comfortable and it feels very sweet to have that love in my life.

Hmm…I was going to write more about my day-to-day life. Oh well! More general musings for all!
 
So you're not in love with James? I'm curious whether he's in love with you?

So you're in love with Elemental? whereas he just loves you as a pal, is that right?

So, you and Leda live together? Just platonic friends, not romantic friends?

Today's post was brought to you by the letter "question mark." :)
 
My favourite letter is question mark

From what I can figure, James feels about the same towards me, but for different reasons. I think he's hesitant about love for some reason. I've never asked him, have been assuming that it's because he's not ready, or because we're not committed. Also, not everyone falls in love with me. Could be simply that he doesn't think we're compatible in an "in love" kind of way. Doesn't really matter right now.

As for Elemental, I'm pretty sure he loves me as a pal and am unsure about anything beyond that. Like I said, it doesn't matter to me right now. It might matter if we lived anywhere near each other. I'm in love with him, yep, and it's great.

Leda and I are platonic friends. I'm not "into" her, and she's not into ladies, period.
 
Okay, that makes sense. :)

When two guys almost seem to like each other too much, it's called a bromance. What's it called if it's two gals?

Darn it, I must invent a catchy word for it.
 
Successful Poly

When I first started reading these forums I assumed that everyone doing poly is “evolved”, more self-aware, better at communication, and more knowledgeable about what personal and relationship growth looks like. Well obviously I was wrong about that because there are people of all sorts doing poly, just like there are people of all sorts doing monogamy. In fact, I think there are less differences between mono and poly relationships than it seems at first. Both mono and poly people cheat. Both lie and behave badly. Both can be extremely self-aware or not. Emotionally speaking, I think that mature people are found in both the mono world and the poly world.

Am I making sense right now? This is a bit stream of consciousness…

From writing the above I see that I value emotional maturity most of any quality right now. That also explains why I’m eager to show that I’ve made few mistakes in poly, because I want to prove that I’m mature. I think mature people do relationships well, or, in other words, “emotionally mature” means to me that one is self-aware, willing to learn and grow, a good communicator, and open and honest. I want to be that; I think I’m getting there.

Cinder told me a few times that I’m immature and I can see why she said it, although it hurt. I was behaving and do sometimes behave immaturely, emotionally speaking. (I am definitely immature in other ways, like enjoying silly jokes and games, and enjoying feeling young. I hope that those things don’t detract from my serious grownuphood and growing emotional maturity.)
I think what Cinder said was partially accurate and that’s another reason why I value emotional maturity so much: because I’m trying to prove that she was wrong about me. Not the most mature thing about me, I know. If I was completely mature I wouldn't feel the need to prove myself, right? Hmmmmm...
 
Last Night

Last night I got to see James. After talking with Leda and finding out that she was feeling pressured by James’ presence, I told her I wouldn’t leave her alone to entertain James after I went to bed. Completely fair, I say, and I am so glad she said something instead of keeping it to herself! Anyway, it means that our visits on Mondays and Tuesdays will end with him tucking me in and leaving around 10:30 or 11. It’s early for him and means we only get to hang for an hour or two, but it’s better than nothing. It’ll improve when he gets his own place.

I decided on my way to work that I want to make a bit more effort to do sexy things with James. So: blowjobs on Mondays and Tuesdays. I’m always tired but it’ll be worth it.

That reminds me of this blowjob I gave him once. We’d gotten home from the Swingers’ Club and he’d already come thrice that evening. He asked me for a bj (awesome—I want him to be more assertive and even demanding) and I gave him one while he was smoking. This is a particular fantasy of his. Anyway, after finishing he fell over onto the floor. Like, actually. His knees buckled! I had a great laugh at him laying prostrate, moving weakly. I obviously also took it as a great compliment to my skills :D

Moral of the story: giving James blowjobs is fun for Raven. I apparently also like talking about them! Where else could I do so but here? Thanks, forums :)
 
That's what your blog is for. ;)

I agree that there are plenty of "not-so-with-it polyamorists," I have been one myself (and only hope I'm doing better).

Who's Cinder by the way?
 
Moral of the story: giving James blowjobs is fun for Raven. I apparently also like talking about them! Where else could I do so but here? Thanks, forums :)

If I wasn't at work I'd be on the floor laughing! Keep up all the details, I love it! :D
 
Am I making sense right now? This is a bit stream of consciousness…

Yes :)

And I'm eagerly waiting to hear how your horror story goes :) I have a feeling there'll be a lesson for me to learn from it.
 
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