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-   -   What are your "What ifs" (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=13334)

MonoVCPHG 08-12-2011 01:15 AM

What are your "What ifs"
Redpepper and I had a great discussion today about the compromises we make to be together. This was sparked by some new posts around mono/poly relationships.
One of the things brought up was her asking what if about relationships that have possibly passed her by due to our compromises. What would have happened to those relationships if they were allowed to become whatever naturally occured?

This made me realize that I also often ask myself what if we just drop this compromise and see what happens? This leads to what if it is great, no big change, more freedom and acceptance. It also leads to what if it breaks my connection with her or sets me up to make an exit.

There is a constant assessment of the impact of these what ifs that both of us go through frequently or all the time.

Do others go through this and if so...what are your what ifs and how do you handle them?

NeonKaos 08-12-2011 01:23 AM

I usually wonder if any of that could possibly be as bad as cancer, kidney failure, or paralysis... so, no.

Jade 08-12-2011 02:52 AM

I am trying very hard to avoid all the what ifs and deal with things as they come. I can't prevent myself from thinking of them, but I'm working to not live by them.

MonoVCPHG 08-12-2011 03:24 AM


Originally Posted by Jade (Post 96925)
but I'm working to not live by them.

I think this is a very important point. Being consumed by "what might have been" can almost become an addictive behaviour. It can lead to the erosion of present happiness as we live in either the past of possible future.

openbj 08-12-2011 03:27 AM


Originally Posted by Jade (Post 96925)
I can't prevent myself from thinking of them, but I'm working to not live by them.

Love this statement!!! That's exactly how I try to live my life as well.

JaneDoe41 08-12-2011 03:46 AM

What if she veto's me?

BlackUnicorn 08-12-2011 11:02 AM


Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 96917)
Do others go through this and if so...what are your what ifs and how do you handle them?

I wonder what would have happened if, instead of breaking up with my ex, I had suggested poly to him. We were in a long-term LDR, I wasn't getting enough of sex, and whereas I wanted to graduate, move to the same country and be together, his plans for the near future changed constantly, until at last he was able to fess up that he didn't see himself settling down to any one country in the next five years. And I told him I was not going to waste next five years of my life hanging on to a monogamous LDR. I later thought it could have been the chance to bring up poly, but I didn't know the concept at that time.

Besides, everyone here says that relationship issues will only deepen and worsen with poly, so we maybe weren't really cut out for that anyway.

dingedheart 08-12-2011 05:11 PM

If the what if's are looking back the list could potentially could go on forever. Going forward .... I had and interesting encounter at the local gas station-mini mart... they have opposite swinging doors....an in swinging and an out swinging ...... this stunningly attractive women steps in front of the in swinging door and I almost hit her with the door ....next as I was getting my morning coffee she slipped and bumped into me..... then as we were both leaving the parking lot she changes her mind and starts backing up and I had to honk to divert the accident...she stopped just in time .... I got out ....she started to apologize and I said Hi I'm (name ) I think the universe wants us to meet....better get this out of the way before somebody gets really hurt.....she laughed and that was it....haven't seen her since. But what if.

Mono the" what if's" only extends to you dropping the compromise. Not "what if " I'd had the same number of partners RP has or just simply having one other relationship?? The what if's thoughts that cascade out of that are pretty endless.

Nacirema 08-12-2011 06:15 PM

What if I had followed the person I'm not dating all those years ago when I saw hir walking down the street from my highschool parking lot and said hi at the local store, instead of meeting hir about a year later at a mutual friend's party. Would I have started polyamory sooner? Would I have been happier? Would I have started on my journey sooner? Would I have been happier sooner?

Oh well. At least I'm happy now, and honestly, wouldn't change a thing at this point. :D

nycindie 08-12-2011 07:15 PM

We never can know what the future holds, so we can ask "what if?" until we're blue in the face, but it's actually only going to be making a choice or taking action that will yield results.

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