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-   -   rules and "incestuous" situations (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2003)

monastery 01-19-2010 08:35 AM

rules and "incestuous" situations

redpepper 01-19-2010 08:58 AM

woah ! confusing... I will read again, but just wanted to say no wonder you are having trouble.... I would just getting it all straight! :D

DrunkenPorcupine 01-19-2010 09:05 AM


The incestuousness of this situation makes my lover very uncomfortable. However, I have no problems with it.
Incest is a very stigmatized term. What is it about this situation brings up the stigma, either for her, or for you, if it was your word?


Despite this, things have been progressing at a comfortable pace for me and B that are well within the bounds of my primary relationship.
Are you sure? It seems to me that somewhere in this situation there's a miscommunication. Either you guys usually communicate well (I assume that based on your description of feelings in each situation) or you assume a lot. If the assumptions are the problem, I think you need to move past them and talk openly. But perhaps they're not. Are your understandings about the limits of your relationship meshing up with hers?


Recently, though, my lover came me an ultimatuum: either I stop seeing my B or we go on a break because they don't see their uncomfortable feelings going away.
Are they BOTH feeling uncomfortable?


I think B is trustworthy and respectful (which my lover doesn't) and, also, that a lot their uncomfortable and jealous feelings are related more to insecurities and jealousies that would exist with any situation in our open relationship, not just this one. Of course, it's not my place to analyze my lover's feelings that way.
You feel it's not your place to analyze your lover's relationships with your partner, yet it's okay for her to resent that she deems YOURS to be sub-par? This sounds as if the core values are being disrespected practically.


However, I can't shake the feeling that my lover's being unfair. I love and support my lover and don't want to go on a break, but I also want to continue seeing A. Am I making an ethical choice if I continue to see A, or am I making a selfish decision that's not respecting the boundaries of my lover?
To me, this seems VERY much like one of those "impossible situations" where two people look at a simple thing, see something different and then assume since the other doesn't agree that the other is wrong. I like to try to put personalities to people's stories, not just methodically rate them as "Individual A" and "Individual B". I can't help but think you guys are saying the same words but having entire different conversations.

Also, I'm an individualist. As long as you respect other people's basic rights as human beings, I don't see selfishness and respect as incompatible. In fact, quite the opposite. Contradictions do not exist, if you find a situation that presents one, your premises are wrong.

Ultimatums are the result of lack of thought; I don't think this needs to be a "she" or "I" situation, and if it TRULY is, your assumptions about your lover's respect of your value systems are wrong. I truly hope it's the "her or me" that's invalid.

redpepper 01-20-2010 07:47 PM


Originally Posted by monastery (Post 20393)

what happened?

DrunkenPorcupine 01-20-2010 09:53 PM


what happened?
They deleted their post without any explanation. :(

redpepper 01-20-2010 10:21 PM

Oh pooey. Was it something we said? I always wonder with things what happened. I take things so personally.

NeonKaos 01-20-2010 11:41 PM

They were probably afraid that the wife and others would see it and recognize themselves.

One thing people can do is quote an entire message (someone else's) in order to preserve it. Then the OP would have to ask a mod or an admin to delete it if they wanted it gone.

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