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-   -   Confused (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=17353)

FancyFace 11-19-2011 07:36 AM

Well I'm new to this whole lifestyle and still consider myself mono. My BF is poly and confused and confusing me. He and I are PP. He would have sex based interactions with numerous women and this never bothered me, but he started having another girlfriend and didn't tell me about it for weeks..because it was "just a natural progression".
Uhhh I'm worried how the total honesty we have falls by the wayside when S came along. S is poly and he brings this up often. I'm learning how to cope with the poly relationship as best I can but I'm never going to have her experience.
He is also very jealous of my friendships with my exes, and expresses his displeasure of me dating anyone else (I don't really have any desire to but disagree with the hypocriticalness ) all the while he states "I only want you to be happy"
He says many things that are at odds with his actions. He wants me to meet S and at the same time says it would be too hard since she's so intimidated by me. I don't know that I can be comfortable meeting her...I don't respect her for many reasons (drug user, car-less, unemployed not looking for work, mom happy to be on welfare) besides the fact that she's his GF lol.

Any advice? Should I take the risk and meet her? I don't want to make it any worse or any ultimatums and I think that asking to be his only "relationship" when he can have sex with anyone else is not even near the table.
I think I might just back off and see how I feel without him confusing my head. I think what bothers me the most is him expressing his feeling of desire to have 2 GF so if he effed up one relationship he's have another. I don't like feeling like he has an escape or backup plan while I face the emotional risk by myself. Is this out of line? or typical for a poly? Thanks for any light y'all can shine on my situation.

Moonglow 11-19-2011 01:35 PM

Hi, I think if you read your post you'll see these flags that pop up:
1. Lack of Honesty
2. Swinger turned poly
3. GF drug user./ user of all sorts... do you want this drama in your life?
4. Onesided
5. Emtional risk? (what about physical risk-drugs and the obvious sexual ones?)

You also have to think about what you want? Yous eem very focused on his needs while he is not trying to even understand yours. Very onesided ineed.

Many have gone down this path, I suggest you read all you can and see how it went here. I think a lot of people like the idea of poly but without actually working at it as you would any other relationship. Ask yourself the hard questions... what kind of future had you seen with this person before the gf was ever in the picture?

Good luck.

Magdlyn 11-19-2011 01:59 PM

Yeah, this doesnt sound good. He gets to have 2 lovers, while you don't, and he's even jealous of your exes? Double standard indeed.

You do NOT have to accede to his wishes on this. Your needs and feelings are just as important as his.

Meeting his other gf might be pointless if your guy is being so controlling. You might be better of without him.

lifetake2 11-19-2011 03:38 PM

He gets to do anything he wants, with anyone he wants and you have no input and can't do the same.

He now picks what sounds like a partner that has inherent risks for you (STD & emotional).

It sounds like he a lot less poly and much more just a cheater than got you to go along, possibly under duress.

I'd personally take a step back and set some clear boundaries about what you are and aren't ok with and he can agree or you take steps to protect yourself.

bassman 11-19-2011 04:30 PM

Yep, it seems like a bit of bullying going on here. Time to assert yourself a little!

SchrodingersCat 11-20-2011 06:51 AM

Yeah, the whole "poly as a backup for failed monogamy" is a terrible joke. If he's worried about messing up one relationship, wouldn't two relationships double his chances for messing it all up and being left with nothing?


I don't like feeling like he has an escape or backup plan while I face the emotional risk by myself. Is this out of line? or typical for a poly? Thanks for any light y'all can shine on my situation.
I wouldn't like feeling like that either. Yes, in my opinion, this is out of line. No, this is not typical for a poly. We have a saying around here, if you can't even handle one relationship properly, you have no business trying to manage more than one. This ties into his "escape plan" and is really more of a reason why you would "date" multiple people at once, not "be in a romantic relationship" with them.

FancyFace 11-20-2011 09:25 PM

Wonderful Insight
I really appreciate everyone's input. Having an unbiased 3rd party perspective has really helped me see somethings I'm too close to notice by myself.

It's sometimes hard to talk to my friends about my relationship issues cause some of them don't understand how I could even be in a "poly" relationship.

I think that it's time to step back. I don't think that his relationship with S is healthy for him but it's really not good for me. I need to have my wants and needs respected and to be cared for too. I feel like that to maintain 2 relationships equally is not something he's either willing or able to do it's not going to work for anyone.

He says a lot of things but cliche as it is actions speak louder. He's communicating one thing verbally and through his actions another. He and S can figure it out lol.

Thanks for helping me to take a step to less confused ;)

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