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-   -   NRE (New Relationship Energy) - Merged Threads, General Discussion (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=70600)

Lemondrop 05-05-2009 05:35 AM

NRE (New Relationship Energy) - Merged Threads, General Discussion
Sooooo...I don't know exactly what NRE means, but I get the idea it's the giddy stupid feeling that makes you act like an idiot at the beginning of a relationship? Husband #2 and I are apparently suffering the effects. He's done a couple of dumb things that hurt his wife, and has informed me that he can't come near me until he figures out how to behave appropriately. Which of course I understand, but is hard for me and makes me sad. I'm pretty clueless about how to handle this. Does anyone have any advice for dispelling new relationship stupidity? Is there any chance that we can get it out of our systems, or do we have to suck it up and avoid each other? Please please don't tell me that we have to suck it up.

MonoVCPHG 05-05-2009 06:28 AM

I know this may not be what you want to hear but his concern for his wife is inspiring. NRE, or New Relationship Energy, is kind of like the Never land of relationships..everything is new and exciting; there is a child like oblivious joy that fills the experience. Most new Lovers experience this and it is wonderful accept for the idea of it ending.

You should be happy that he loves his wife in a way that gives him the strength to pull back from something as powerful as NRE. He is probably taking care of her needs to make sure they are both healthy. That ability is a possible testimony that he will be a caring lover to you as well as your relationship grows.

Be patient...consider the health of everyone.
There's my two cents :)
Good night

River 05-05-2009 01:39 PM

I don't feel that I have anything to say on NRE today, except that there's a lot about it on the internet, which is good!


Lemondrop 05-05-2009 04:33 PM

I really want him to take care of his wife, I love her too and I don't want anyone to be unhappy. I was just hoping that there was a way for us to stop being so caught up, that someone would have some experience that would help us.

He's felt the need to withdraw affection from me, and I'm having a hard time with it. Now this research into NRE is telling me that it could be months before we get over it! This is scary enough for me. Why does anyone purposely seek this out?

River 05-05-2009 04:54 PM

I've only experienced NRE once while already involved in a committed, long term relationship with another--another with whom there wasn't any NRE going on.

I kept talking with my long-time lover, Kevin, about "R" during this time. And I wanted to, and did, spend a lot of time with "R", and Kevin just stayed solid, was apparently unperturbed (though I do wonder what he might have said if he were more like me in our communication styles: I'm a blabber mouth, I talk about EVERYTHING ... well, when and where it is welcomed. Kevin's the quiet one).

I found it a little tricky this first time out ... first poly experience ... to maintain balance of affection while stirred up by NRE, but I do NOT think the NRE is something bad, terrible, wrong, or something we ought to try to represss, supress, fight, struggle against. Rather, you have to take time to be thoughtful and reflective while the NRE is stirred up, both of you. And take time, each day, to look into how you feel toward the one who isn't stirring your NRE pot at the moment. Feel that love. Know it. Hold it close. And then, having done that once, twice, three times a day, let yourself enjoy the NRE. It's great! What a drug! MMmmmm!

[The relationship with "R" was a crash landing with lots of smoke, fire, and brimstone. --but I still love him, always will. We're just neither lovers nor friends now. But these things *can* work; I am sure of it.]

Funk2Lopez 05-05-2009 09:51 PM

I am currently in a FMF triad. I love my husband and our girlfriend. It was really rough on me the first time we all met. The NRE was much more there for her with him than me. It wasn't our first poly experience but it was the first with goals for a long term relationship in mind.

I was the one feeling ignored and unwanted. I felt that they wanted to be together and I was just there. I no longer feel that way. I know I love them as much as they love me and each other. It was just that the NRE was of a more passionate nature with them and a slower, more caution process for her with me. I am a very passionate person and to have that not reciprocated right away was very difficult for me.

We have and do talk constantly about our relationship and how to make it better and how to meet each others needs. We have been searching for Poly groups in our area that meet on a night all of us can go to. It's been hard finding one. We are still looking. I'm glad to have this forum to be part of. It's been great being able to read what others have shared. I do prefer face to face talking where you can see the body language to help tell more about what a person is really trying to say versus just reading it and trying to decipher if something is wrong or if they are just venting a little steam.

AutumnalTone 05-05-2009 11:58 PM

HAve somebody standing by at all times ready to turn a water hose on you.

Works for dogs in heat, too.


Lemondrop 05-07-2009 09:03 PM


Originally Posted by SeventhCrow (Post 749)
HAve somebody standing by at all times ready to turn a water hose on you.

Works for dogs in heat, too.


LMAO Okay, I don't really like that one.

It's a relief to hear that you can enjoy NRE and still maintain existing relationships. I don't want to lose the NRE experience. As always, everyone in my quad is talking, talking, talking. I think we're getting through it. We're all agreed that we're in this for the long term, so we're being cautious. I'm getting through it okay, I think. I'm trying to be careful to give lots of attention to everyone involved!

redpepper 05-08-2009 02:32 PM

I try and keep it as simple as I can at all times. When I am with my boyfriend or any other lover I have i am completely in the moment with them and there is nothing else (except my cell phone which may ring to tell me to get home to my son in an emergency). I am completely immersed in them in our moment and can switch it on and off depending on who I am with. Sometimes there is a transition time between people and I allow it to work it's way through and so do they. I expect the same thing of my husband also, although so far he hasn't had enough experience to master it yet. Anyway, it seems to work, but is not easy. Shutting off emotions and being rational within such strong feelings is not easy, but very important. It takes practice and it's okay to fly by the seat of your pants a bit and screw up.... we are after all human in all this.

I really liked the dog hose spraying joke!!!!! HAHAHAHa! it definitely feels like that at some points!!

redpepper 06-27-2009 06:02 PM

New Relationship Energy NRE and how it forms our relationships
Our 'v' goes to a monthly meeting of poly people in our area and has met 15-30 wonderful diverse poly people. We talk about different topics in a larger group and then break up into groups to talk more personally about that topic or other issues to do with poly. This month we talked about New Relationship Energy (NRE).

I was not all that interested at first as I thought it was just about that glow one gets at the beginning of a new love relationship, but I was wrong, it is so much more.

One can have NRE over a new job, a new place to live, a new pair of shoes.... just about anything that makes one have that gleeful feeling inside of something new and delightful... even in discovering poly fits for you or in having compersion for your partners NRE.

We talked about different stories people had of their NRE and listened to a pod cast of a woman telling her story of NRE. She had left her home, job, family and friends to be with a man across the country that she had met on line and only met once. He turned out to have a severe drinking and gambling problem and control issues... he wouldn't let her leave the house he was so jealous of her talking to anyone. she also discovered that this late 30's man had just come out of a relationship with a 14 year old!!! talk about missing the red flags on that one! was this a bad case of NRE that got her into that mess?

So I thought I would start a thread on this topic as I think a lot of the people who come on here will find it helpful in figuring out their own relationships. It seems NRE is a strong force in forming where we go for the long haul in our relationships feeling comfy and secure and normalized eventually.

Any thoughts of stories to share?

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