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-   -   New to poly world, need advice (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=32989)

blackendedheart 11-15-2012 06:12 PM

New to poly world, need advice
My name is Amanda I am 29 years old, 1 failed marriage, 2 beautiful daughters and currently a single status but seeing 2 people. They both know of the other but hate each other as they both want me and i want them both. I have felt like my feelings are wrong, and I should bury them and just be miserable with one and leave the other, but at the same time when i think about it it rips me apart. I truly love both and wish I could make this work. Is there any web sites that someone can share with me that can perhaps help both these amazing men in my life understand how I feel. And maybe just maybe whe can make our triad work.:)

Stevenjaguar 11-15-2012 07:15 PM

I've been one of the guys in a situation like this. There's no choice but to keep them apart. It'll only last as long as they're okay with sharing you. Mine lasted about a year (and then she married him and it stopped). Good luck with that and try not to feel too stressed to enjoy them both.

kdt26417 11-15-2012 10:40 PM

Hi Amanda,
Welcome to our forum.

Franklin Veaux has a good site you can direct the guys to, the FAQ page in particular. This is partly up to the guys, as they must be willing to take a closer look at their feelings and see if they can tell what they're really worried about. If they're determined to stay mad at each other, it's not like you can make them do the homework.

Polyamory is certainly a viable option as long as everyone involved agrees to it and works on communication, etc.

I hope this site will be of some help to you.

Kevin T.

nycindie 11-18-2012 09:10 AM

Please visit the Golden Nuggets section of this forum for threads with some recommended links. And good luck!

Emm 11-18-2012 09:56 AM


Originally Posted by blackendedheart (Post 167178)
And maybe just maybe we can make our triad work.:)

If one or both of them are straight and you're trying to force the relationship into a triad configuration it's just not going to work. If what you're after is actually a Vee then perhaps you could make that clear to them. Them having a background worry that they're expected at some stage to become intimate with someone they don't find attractive isn't going to calm anyone's nerves.

SchrodingersCat 11-18-2012 08:20 PM

One quick note about terminology: this will never be a "triad" because that basically means all three people are in a romantic relationship with the other two people. So that would mean both of your guys are romantic boyfriends to each other. Correct me if I'm wrong, but that's never going to happen.

In response to your question, Opening Up (Tristan Taormino) is a helpful book about non-monogamy. Many non-poly people have read it to understand what their poly partners or friends are feeling. Reading it yourself will help you relate to their concerns and give you tools to address them.

There are websites of course, but I personally think that books are better at putting everything in one place in a way that you're more likely to read it all. It's easy to hop & skip through websites, without getting to the heart of what you're looking at. The book might raise questions that they can explore further online, armed with more information.

faithfulkitty 11-19-2012 04:29 AM

Ok I don't want to be a downer here but if the two guys truely hate each other and don't want to share you then this won't work. However if they love you and want you to be happy the go with the book it is a wonderful rescource. A friend of ours got it in hopes of undeerstanding our household and while reading it she realised she was poly and had been her whole life.

GalaGirl 11-19-2012 05:00 AM


I am sorry you are miserable with them fighting. :(

Could choose to ask them to stop. Could choose to tell them what you expect from their behavior to stay in right relationship with you. Could be something like:
"I am not going to promise exclusivity. I want to be with you both, in a "V." Is this something you would be willing to participate in AND behave in civil fashion to your metamour, my other sweetie?

I do not expect you two to be best friends. I expect you to be civil and polite. I expect you to play nice. Because you care about me and don't want to hurt me.

When you compete and fight with my other sweetie over me like I am a prize, that treats me like a THING and not a person. That devalues and hurts me.

When you fight with my other sweetie you are hurting me by putting me in the middle. That causes me emotional and mental pain.

When you fight with my other sweetie, it's a drag, and doesn't make me looooove to hang out with you.

So please tell me if you are willing to participate in the creation of a harmonious "V" with me or not. If not willing, then please let's just not be romantic dating partners and just be friends instead so the bickering stops."
You asked for links:



kdt26417 11-19-2012 11:45 PM

I'll second the recommendation for the "Opening Up" book. I'm currently reading it myself. It's a very good book so far.

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