At the end of my rope

Fiona

New member
Yet another negative, help-me post...but I really don't know what to do.

My partner of nearly two years has shattered my trust more than once in the last few months. He has broken agreed-upon boundaries, said he learned from it, and then turned around and did it all again.

I think he resents me, though my boundaries when it come to health and safety have always been clear and well-communicated; I feel that if he had a problem with this, he should have stated it and/or broken up with me. This last time, he was angry with me, called me and was verbally abusive and very cruel. This lasted for more than a month, when every time we communicated, he called me names and was extraordinarily cruel to me.

That has since stopped, for the most part, but more recently he received unprotected oral sex from someone who carries HSV, and then was intimate with me without warning me of it first. I feel that this is an incredible violation. I have trusted and been vulnerable to him, and this is utterly unconscionable.

Since then, he has wavered between remorse and fury when it comes to this. He has said that he understands my point of view but that it does not make his any less valid. He tells me that he "fell for" the person who he received unprotected oral sex from, and wasn't aware that HSV/cold sores and herpes were the same thing. He says that she didn't know that either (which I find incredibly difficult to believe.)

I feel like the person I've known for years (and been in a relationship with for almost two of them) has changed completely. I am feeling lost and confused and very, very sad. I'm also enraged that he would put my health at risk that way.

We haven't seen each other in weeks. We have hardly spoken since then; the last time we talked on the phone I ended up crying so much that I was incoherent and then vomiting afterward because I was so upset.

I am sad and frightened and just shocked that he is behaving this way, that he would take these sorts of risks, and behave this way toward me. I don't know who he is anymore. I can't believe that the person I have loved so much doesn't seem to exist anymore. I am still worried about him and his health and safety.

What would you do? Some of the closest people in my life have called his behavior abusive, and I am struggling with that. I just can't seem to think clearly. Tonight, I've been crying so much that I can hardly open my eyes.
 
I'm sorry that you are hurting. This is a difficult situation but please know that it can get better - just maybe not in the way that you would like or hope for. He may have been caught up in NRE but that is no excuse, in my opinion, to break agreed upon boundaries or to put your health at risk. I find it almost impossible to believe that someone who has been diagnosed with HSV of either variant doesn't know that it is basically the same virus. My advice is to take some time for you - worry about you - do some self care. I agree with those in your life who are calling his behavior abusive. I may not know you, but I know that you deserve better.
 
I'm so sorry to hear that, nobody likes to find out somebody they feel they know well is capable of acting so badly.

To be blunt, what I would do is end the relationship. In my (limited) experience, when somebody starts acting like an ass when they were a nice person before, its due to guilt, or projection (wants stuff, too cowardly to bring it up, blames you cause its easier than self examination and being proactive) neither of those situations clears up without a lot of work on that persons part, and I'd rather step away and let them get their head straight instead of suffering and trying to fix or help them if they have not expressed a desire for help...

One last thing I'll say, I'm not sure if you had an actual AGREEment to use barriers for oral sex - so I'm not sure if he broke a safe sex agreement or if its the fact there was an STI involved that is the main problem. If you didn't and he's just being really defensive cause he feels guilty, I'd just sit down rationally as possible and hash out barrier agreements, if you have an interest in maintaining the relationship. The shitty behavior for a month stretch...well you called him verbally abusive, of course your friends think he's abusive too, and it makes me assume he's being abusive! Unless that's what you want to attract more of, I'd firm up my boundaries and decide I deserved better, cause you do.

And I dunno...sit down and write the top 5 ways that this relationship enhances your life. If you get stuck at 2 or 3, that seems like a good gauge for what to do about it.

If you do want to end the relationship and do it kindly but firmly, perhaps you will come out of this with your friendship intact, and can revisit a romantic relationship sometime in the future if its still what you want.
 
So what I'm hearing is that you've set some boundaries for yourself (this is good) and he's agreed to them. But you suspect that he may not agree with them and only agreed to them to appease you. He describes this as having a "different point of view" which is as good as any way to put it.

Crying uncontrollably is a sign that something is very, very wrong.

Another thing that stands out to me is that this seems to be new behaviour. What's changed in his life that he's suddenly behaving this way? It sounds like it could be some kind of an addiction - the lies, the drastic behaviour, the explosive arguments. I'm just poking around here, I can't say for certain of course.

You asked what I would do, and based on his behaviour so far, I would just walk. I have a very low bullshit tolerance, and his behaviour would have already blown it out of the water.

But you are not me, so what I would do is not necessarily what's right for you.

One thing you could do is find out where he really stands on your boundaries. Agreeing to certain behaviour and actually wanting to stick to that agreement are two different things. If he's agreeing just to appease you, he's unlikely to stick with it. So you could ask him: what is his ideal arrangement? Based on his answer, you could try to gauge whether there's any realistic middle ground. Sometimes there isn't, and trying to force it will just create more heartache.

---

As for the whole herpes/HSV thing, none of us is in a position to say what this girl and your guy actually knew, except them. I'm continually reminded of how ignorant many people are, and I no longer find it astonishing when people don't know basic facts about their own bodies. Also, many people don't get "diagnosed" for cold sores. Especially in the US, that means spending money to see a doctor for something you can treat over the counter. That, and there are a lot of shitty doctors out there. "Yep, it's a cold sore. Here's your prescription. Call me in two weeks if there's no improvement."
 
I would leave. I take no form of abuse. Never will I ever allow anybody to berate me or call me anything but the name my mother and father gave me. I have a zero tolerance policy. Your situation sounds so unhealthy for so many different reasons. You acknowledge hat he is [verbally] abusive, but you still have a hard time believing your loved ones when they tell you the same. Abuse is abuse.

His behaviour is unacceptable. As I keep telling people, people can only treat you the way you allow them to. You crying and him having these explosive moments of rage is a problem. Honey, he is not worth it. He needs to be sorting out his issues, and you need to be leaving.

A lot of people do not know that they have HSV 1, but his behaviour after finding out is ridiculous. You had every right to be upset. HSV can open the door for HSV-2, which is something you can never get rid of. He was careless answer at the very least should have apologised for possibly exposing you. His lack of knowledge stems from ignorance. He claims he did not know, well dude you need to educate yourself before letting someone put their mouth on you. If he wants to play Russian Roulette with his health, let him do it on his own time when you are not in the picture.

You can establish boundaries in the next relationship. Who is to say his verbal abuse will not escalate to something physical? You can find out what is going on in the role of a friend.
 
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Sigh. I am sorry you hurt.

You state your partner has shattered your trust, been angry/cruel/verbally abusive and violated you by putting you at health risk via unprotected sex.

Those are some big red flags.

Could not let your soft feelings for him get in the way of you preserving your LONG TERM best healths. YOU are responsible for your own well being. You are not well here.

Could end it. Walk away. Then do the self care you need to heal from this tragic experience.

You are not stupid for falling for him in the first place.

You are not terrible to want a better standard in relationships than you have been getting from him.

You have worth, dignity and value. Do not stay in the line of fire, as painful as it may feel to walk away.

Some choices in life are "this stinks and that stinks... which stinks the least?"

I think the choice of walking away could stink the least here -- then you are not heaping NEW stink on.

I am sorry you are going through this. :(

Galagirl
 
Do not stay in an abusive relationship of any kind. It's telling that he also seems to care nothing for your health and well being.
 
I would leave. Putting HIS health at risk is his own decision. Putting MINE at risk is unacceptable.
 
Thank you for your responses. I feel like I really need a more objective point of view; sometimes hearing this stuff from people who don't know you (or your partner) well can be helpful.

Anneintherain, he did break a safer-sex agreement. This is not the first time he's done so, and not the first time we've had an STI scare. But the first time, he kept saying how much he had learned from it, and how things would be different in the future. Obviously not.

SchrodingersCat, I'm pretty sure that it doesn't have anything to do with addiction, he's not really the type (then again, I have been wrong about a lot, apparently...)

I think he resents our relationship sometimes, and doesn't necessarily like the safer-sex boundaries we have agreed upon (but they were in place precisely because of situations like this...a partner NOT being informed about their own health, etc.) As I've said to him before, he is free to do as he pleases but I will need to change my behavior accordingly if he does. The fact that he was physically intimate with me after receiving unprotected oral sex from someone with HSV was one of the worst parts of it for me, worse even than being raped (when that happened, I had no reason to trust the person who did it. I trusted my partner and he violated my consent and possibly put my health at risk.)

It is complicated by the fact that when he got involved with this new person, we were having some difficulties in our relationship, and he pretty much just blew that off to spend time with her.

I am just having a very hard time with all of this. I have loved him so much and been so open and vulnerable with him and all of a sudden it's like I just don't know who he is anymore.
 
I am just having a very hard time with all of this. I have loved him so much and been so open and vulnerable with him and all of a sudden it's like I just don't know who he is anymore.

I see that you struggle. I am sorry you hurt. :(

To me it sounds like you know exactly who he is. A guy who breaks agreements more than once.

As I've said to him before, he is free to do as he pleases but I will need to change my behavior accordingly if he does.

You just are at a place where consequences actually have to be enforced.

He IS doing as he pleases.

Now you are finding you need to change your behavior accordingly.

Up to and including not hanging around with him any more because he is dangerous to your health and well being -- mental health, emotional health, physical health, and spiritual health.

Not fun. I know. :(

But do what you gotta do do keep YOU safe and preserve your long term health and well being.

Galagirl
 
Thank you again for your kind and thoughtful words. A few of my close friends have said "I think you know what you need to do" and what I've heard here seems to echo that.

I am still afraid FOR him, too...the last time we talked, he seems to be justifying his possible involvement with this person, for instance: "Well, people who have had it longer don't shed virally as much, and X percentage of the population has it/has been exposed to it, and she had a partner for X amount of years and he never got it..." (oh? How do you know? How does SHE know? Sigh.)

I have explained to him that one of my former metamours contracted HSV genitally, from oral sex, and that this is part of the reason that I take this extremely seriously. From what I understand, it can be painful and debilitating and I do not want to risk that happening to me.
 
I have explained to him that one of my former metamours contracted HSV genitally, from oral sex, and that this is part of the reason that I take this extremely seriously. From what I understand, it can be painful and debilitating and I do not want to risk that happening to me.

Fair enough. You do not want this so you choose your behavior to protect YOU from this.

I am still afraid FOR him, too...the last time we talked, he seems to be justifying his possible involvement with this person, for instance: "Well, people who have had it longer don't shed virally as much, and X percentage of the population has it/has been exposed to it, and she had a partner for X amount of years and he never got it..." (oh? How do you know? How does SHE know? Sigh.)

It is frustrating to care for someone who does not seem to value themselves and their well being as much as you do. But his behavior is on him. He chooses his behavior. He lives with the consequences.

You could step out of the line of fire to protect you so you don't have to bear those consequences directly.

Best would be zero people going down with the ship.

If he's hell bent to go down with the ship, that is ONE person going down with the ship then.

You making it TWO people going down with the ship is not an improvement upon just one person going down. You can swim for the shore instead.

Because if you are going to be worrying about him either way? Could at least get YOU to safety and worry from the shore then.

Take care of you.

Galagirl
 
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Thank you again, Galagirl. One of the other hardest parts of this for me has been that the whole point of multiple relationships is that an existing relationship does not have to be shunted aside/abandoned for a new one, yet that feels like exactly what he's done. I am hurting so badly right now; it's hard to imagine why he ever said that he loved or cared about me, if he was willing to push me aside for someone new and risk my health in the process.

I still haven't heard from him, except for an apology delivered via e-mail. He says he wants to talk but doesn't want to get unnecessarily sidetracked. We were supposed to both be going to a social occasion this weekend - something I'd very much looked forward to - but I don't think I can bring myself to go. And I just keep wondering what's going on, what he's thinking and feeling (and if he is involved with anyone else, especially that person.) I can't shake the feeling that he is just going to do whatever he wants (whether it's a risk to our relationship/either of our health, or not) and then tell me later, and I'm not handling that well right now. I am feeling so lost.
 
I am sorry you feel lost. I know it is hard to feel. :(

the whole point of multiple relationships is that an existing relationship does not have to be shunted aside/abandoned for a new one, yet that feels like exactly what he's done.

Yep. I don't have to punch you in the head. But if I go ahead and do it anyway? Well, I did it, didn't I?

Sigh.

Coming to terms with the fact that he is going to do as he pleases with no consideration for you is hard to come to terms with. He says one thing (I love you) and then does another (less than loving and kind behaviors).

You could accept that is what it IS here. Mixed message land and when that happens -- you go with ACTIONS because talk is cheap.

You don't have to love it that it is happening. It just IS happening.

If you don't want to go to this social function because things between you are not cool, do not go at all, or do not go as his date. Go alone. Take someone else.

Protect yourself, ok? He's not going to. It is up to you then.

Swim for shore. Don't get new punches in the head.

Hang in there!

Galagirl
 
I am still afraid FOR him, too...

That's understandable, but he's an adult and he has to make his own choices and live with the consequences of those choices. One of the hardest things about being friends with some people is watching them go through mistakes that you know how to prevent, but being powerless to stop them because they have to learn things for themselves. It just sucks that some of those mistakes have irreversible consequences.

the last time we talked, he seems to be justifying his possible involvement with this person, for instance: "Well, people who have had it longer don't shed virally as much, and X percentage of the population has it/has been exposed to it, and she had a partner for X amount of years and he never got it..."

Some people have natural immunities to certain infections. I don't know about HSV specifically, but I don't see why it would be any different. There are people, primarily in Africa, who have a natural immunity to HIV. Their immune systems work completely differently, no t-cells at all, so the very thing that HIV infects is absent in their systems.

So just because one person didn't get an infection doesn't mean the infection can't be transmitted. Or even that that person didn't become a Herpes Mary.
 
We have talked a bit. He asked me if I would be attending the social event (I didn't and still don't know.) We are supposed to talk in person sometime next week. I am terrified of this; I feel like he is just waiting to break up with me in person. As difficult as this has been, I love him and want to try to fix things. I am devastated.
 
I am sorry you hurt.

It's a reality of the Universe -- your 100% effort towards holding up your side of the stick in a relationship? Still only one side of the stick being help up.

He has to hold his side end of the stick too. A relationship cannot fly without all sides of responsibility sticks held up. All the needs are not going to be met like that -- players are just not compatible.

If it is best for BOTH your best long term healths to let go of the relationship -- it will be ok for you to let it go. It's not fun to FEEL. Break ups are not fun. But you will be ok post break up.

Right now you are fearing a break up. Why not just call and ask? "When we meet next week in person, what are we talking about exactly? Breaking up or fixing things? Just so I can begin to prepare myself for the conversation."

Then you can KNOW what to expect and not spend energies "what iffing."

You might not feel TONS better, but a little bit of the burden could be alleviated.
GG
 
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Had that call, as I was exhausted by waiting and sick of hoping. He's done. He's justifying everything. I don't even know who he is anymore. I hate myself for trusting him and being vulnerable to him; I hate myself even more for practically begging him to reconsider and work things out. I am shattered.
 
He also said that I "made him choose" between me and the person with an STI with whom he was intimate and then violated my consent, because I said that I did not want to take that risk. I didn't make him do anything, and I feel like he has been choosing her for months now. I feel like he's throwing away our relationship for something new and shiny. When we first met, he told me that he took this sort of thing very seriously because he had a lot of years and partners ahead of him, and that he wanted to be informed and cautious. And now...I don't believe him. I want to, but I don't. And feeling like he is choosing not only something new but something potentially dangerous to his health (and the health of his other partners, including me - though I suppose not anymore - is frightening.) I don't know who he is anymore. And yet I still want things to be better. This is so confusing and agonizing.
 
I'm sorry you are going through the stages of grief. Anger is just one of the many feelings you are going to process as you work through all the stages. It's ok. Don't talk down to yourself for having loved as best you can.

You did not make him choose his behavior of breaking agreements. He chose that behavior. You held him accountable to shared agreement and in the taking of account? His behavior came short. Behavior done/not done.

You are not willing to be a concurrent lover if he cannot take safer sex precaution. It is a limit. He chooses to not have to honor that limit? So be it then. You cannot be together.

You stayed true to YOU and what you value here. He just doesn't value the same things.

You are not a horrible person for having loved. It is disappointing, yes. But you are not horrible. The feelings are horrible to feel... but could let it blow on through as best you can. It will pass. The internal storm will clear in time. Take all the time you need to heal. Do your self care. Things WILL get better for you.

Hang in there.

Galagirl
 
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