establishing new relationships.

ladyjools

New member
establishing new relationships. UPDATE

Do you think it is fair to take the time to establish a new relationship before bringing in any new people?
If so how long do you think is a fair amount of time?

I am feeling insecure, and a little jelous in my new relationship. Its not that he is dating any other woman but the thought of it is bringing up these feelings. I am now wondering if i am asking him not to date any other woman because i want things to be established between us first or because of my own insecurity that he will find someone better?

Is it fair to expect him to not date other people when i have my long term partner and he is so far only dating me?

i don't get this with montianboy becuase with him I am very secure, but it took me a long time to get to that point.

I have the view that you should establish a new relationship before bringing in any new people, i think this is a sensible view but is it just my monogomous upbringinging kicking in and i want to keep that person to myself.

At the moment i am feeling jelous for the first time in a long while. My new relationship has got to be one of the most intense beginnings i have ever had and on an emotional level things have moved quicker than i would usually deem sensible (that does not mean that i would move things quicker in a practical way) just that there are some very intense feelings and a new relationship energy that is a tad overwhelming. However being caught up in all these feelings has brought up other feelings of self worth, insecurity, and also jelousy.

So I am intrested in other peoples opinions on this

Jools
 
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This is a great question! I can't give any insight into it but I think it ties into the freedom of secondaries or thirds issue. How does a person in an committed relationship establish boundaries with a new person entering the relationship? Is it fair to ask the new person to slow down or not seek other relationships while you have another person already?
Thanks for this.
 
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Great question! I was pondering something similar, but will post a separate thread about it...

My first response is that I don't think poly is about "tit for tat", so to speak. Well, you have someone else, why can't I?

Of course, if a relationship has an indefinite arrangement of partner A is allowed to date others but not partner B, then I think there's something deeper going on that needs attention. (I'm thinking of a thread I read a couple days ago about this).

Relationships are organic and need time/space to grow and/or change. I think it's understandable and reasonable for all "limbs" of a relationship(s) to ask for time to adjust to a new member.

And it's natural/understandable to feel jealousy...

my two cents
 
It's never unfair to *ask* for what you need in a relationship. Fair is subjective. What one person may consider fair, another may not.

I'd ask him for what you need, but specify an end date. If he agrees, great! If not, then its up to you to determine if the relationship is worth the extra tension/turmoil.

In the mean time, use this as an opportunity to examine the source of your inner turmoil. If your concerns aren't reflective of actuality of the situation, then examine what thought processes are generating your emotions. This is a golden opportunity for growth.
 
It's never unfair to *ask* for what you need in a relationship. Fair is subjective. What one person may consider fair, another may not.

I'd ask him for what you need, but specify an end date. If he agrees, great! If not, then its up to you to determine if the relationship is worth the extra tension/turmoil.

In the mean time, use this as an opportunity to examine the source of your inner turmoil. If your concerns aren't reflective of actuality of the situation, then examine what thought processes are generating your emotions. This is a golden opportunity for growth.


He has agreed that introducing new people would be bad for us just now. Specifying an end date seems difficult because im not sure how long it will take for our relationship to establish to a level that we both feel secure enough,

i am having difficulty figuring out where my inner turmoil comes from because besides the time i was pregnant i have never felt jelousy to this extent before. I am not saying i don't feel jelous but it is not usually an emotion i feel to any great intensity. I am wondering what thought processes are making this emotion, all i can come up with is that i am insecure, i dont' feel like im worthy of his attention... however he has not given me any reason to feel like that it is just MY OWN insecuritys of not feeling good enough.

but
is it wrong for me to not want him to date anyone else if this is my issue, am i using the relationship being new as an excuse or is it a valid reason, thats the part i can't work out...
i dont' like being pinned down, told what i can and can't do, and i do not wish to do that to anyone else. I want all my partners to have the freedom that i do.

Jools
 
i can ask the question but i just dont' know how to go about answering it because i have so many feelings that are so intense i can't think logically at all,

Jools
 
I've rarely asked myself any question about my relationship and found a quick answer. For months I asked the same question every day LOL!! I wish I could give you a shortcut.
 
God this last week I asked the same questions every day, several times a day and came up with a different answer every time I asked!!
:confused:
But the good news is that each answer was a little closer to the "deepest truth" of my emotions and I feel like at least with a number of those questions I finally found the "end point" (for now)!!!
 
God this last week I asked the same questions every day, several times a day and came up with a different answer every time I asked!!
:confused:
But the good news is that each answer was a little closer to the "deepest truth" of my emotions and I feel like at least with a number of those questions I finally found the "end point" (for now)!!!

i am wondering waht the end point for you is on this question?

Jools
 
i am wondering waht the end point for you is on this question?

Jools

First let me say my statement was "questions" not the same question you are struggling with (in case you were confused).

As for your question-it's a non-issue in my life. I have been friends with GreenGecko for 16+years and Maca and I have been together for 11 years. So there is no "establishing a new relationship" between us.

However-I do expect that Maca will eventually find a girlfriend (may have already met her) at that time yes-I would say it's reasonable to take time to build a relationship and get it "settled" into a comfortable zone before looking for someone new. BUT I wouldn't have to "make a rule" about it.

Maca and I DO have that comfortable space in our relationship so we don't need to "wait" before he can add someone-because I AM comfortable with him.

I don't need to ask GreenGecko either-because again-our relationship IS established.

Now-on Maca's part-he is not ready to face me having ANOTHER person besides GreenGecko right now-the IDEA of accepting me having another person as a lover IS new to HIM so he needs time to settle into that dynamic-but it's moot, because I don't need or want anyone else. Unlike some poeple who fall into situations where they suddenly meet someone unexpectedly and that someone is a new THAT someone, I don't have that.

My life is SO busy and SO involved, that I rarely meet new people unless I make a POINT to. So there isn't a big chance of anyone "accidently" falling into my life.

I did meet a nice woman online. It was somewhat unexpected, but I'm not looking-so the first thing I said to her was that I'm not looking for ANYTHING more than friends.
Once we started talking and getting to know each other and she found out the dynamic of my relationship situation she was interested in talking to Maca. The two of them started talking and they seemed to have hit it off. She's not in the same town as us until spring-but she's close enough to visit (2-3 hour drive).
So yes once in awhile the situation comes up, but I'm not opening the door myself-so Maca need not ask me to make "rules" about it.

In terms of your situation... hmmm.... Mountainboy is your "first" yes? So the other is your second? (I hate labels-but in order to compare I use them for clarification).

So that would be like GreenGecko for me....

Hmmm...

Ok-so even though we have a well established relationship-we are new to being officially boyfriend/girlfriend. I guess if he was planning to get a girlfriend I would want to discuss some details because we are really at a stage where we treasure every moment we GET to have and his time is VERY limited... so if he got a girlfriend it would really cut into our time..
But I don't think I would honestly say no....

....

....

No-I wouldn't. I wouldn't tell him or Maca no. I would probably have some questions and need some reassurances-but I trust them both and I feel confident in MY relationship with each of them and I feel confident in THEIR willingness and interest in ensuring my needs are met......... so I don't FEAR it and I don't feel JEALOUS or angry or any of those things.

This post is so damn long and I fear I didn't get you an answer..... I think that maybe I just complicated things with more confusion. :(

Please feel free to express more questions-maybe it will help me to think more clearly?????
 
Ok-so even though we have a well established relationship-we are new to being officially boyfriend/girlfriend. I guess if he was planning to get a girlfriend I would want to discuss some details because we are really at a stage where we treasure every moment we GET to have and his time is VERY limited... so if he got a girlfriend it would really cut into our time..
But I don't think I would honestly say no....


this has really made me think

the start of any realtionship is a special time, when you are falling in love you and getting to know each other,
and i feel perfectly ok with him having another partner in the future but for now i want to enjoy the new relationship and the getting to know each other part... polyamoury is hard work, yes its rewarding but its difficult and you most def have to be strong and know how to comunicate, that takes time you build trust and security with time it doesn't happen straight away.

My main issue is
there is another girl who i know he has feelings for, who he has had some kind of relationship with in the past. I can see her becoming intamite with him again and it just happening... right now im not sure i can deal with that

but i feel selfish for feeling like this

Jools
 
Well-I guess the question is WHY do you think you can't handle it?

What about him being intimate with someone he has already established a relationship with at some point scares you?

Does it make you feel unworthy?
Does it make you feel like you aren't good enough?
Are you afraid of losing his time?
Are you afraid of being replaced by her?

What's your hang up??

See, I don't have any hangups like that. I know if I looked at GG and said "I need my mornings" he would say "ok." and that's that. So I don't say it, because I don't NEED them, I need to know he cares enough he WOULD do that for me.

If I look at Maca and say "I need to know you will come home if I need you" I KNOW he would say "ok" and that's that. So I would never call him (barring an emergency with the kids) to come home-because I don't need him to COME HOME. I need to know he WOULD if I NEEDED him.

Obviously YOU have to identify what works for you in a relationship-and everyone is different. God knows Maca and I are totally different and so are GG and I AND they are totally different from one another.

But to me-no person has a right to demand anything of another beyond "if you can't respect me as a person please stay away from me" and that they not be touched if they don't wish to be. It's just how I feel. I believe that within the dynamic of a relationship of ANY kind-we have to find the COMMON denominators and work as a team to meet needs, not prioritize our own needs over anothers.

Now-that said-there are things I don't CHOOSE to put up with (like whining kids). YOU (general) can raise whiny kids-but I won't CHOOSE to babysit them, hang out with them for any reason. BUT I wouldn't demand you change your way of raising them, I just choose not to participate. EVEN if you were my best friend-and now you have kids and choose to raise them that way-I will choose to step away. But I won't demand or even request that you change how you raise your kids-not my place.

One thing I've done in my life is that it's a "RULE" that my rules go with raising the kids. With Maca and I it's pretty simple, he doesn't have to agree, he can do anything he wants-but I won't be around him if he does.

This covers ALL relationships in my life. Even my kids-you can do it my way-or go live with someone else. But I won't hold it against you EITHER WAY. I won't demand you do things my way-I just won't subject myself to you if you need to do things a way I can't handle.

In some ways I guess my way is more selfish-because it leaves no room for someone to compromise their needs to keep me. If I see that this is the life you choose-I presume it's because you need it to be that way-and I simply respond by making sure my needs are met-even if that means not being with you................
 
the start of any realtionship is a special time, when you are falling in love you and getting to know each other,

On "read two" through your post this one caught my eye.

I disagree. That may be part of where things go array in comparing my thoughts with yours.
Because to me there is no "falling in love" at the beginning of a relationship.
There is getting to know each other. Period.

And I don't define a relationship as having started when two people start sleeping together either. I wouldn't want to be having sex with someone I was "getting to know".

So for example, with the couple Maca nad I have been talking to-I'm driving down to her town Sunday to meet her in person. She's attractive, we "clicked" online. But we do NOT know one another and we will NOT be involved in ANYTHING sexual. NOTHING. We will be taking our kids to the park and hanging out with my sister and getting to know each other. Because we are in a new relationship becoming friends-and there is no becoming more unless a TRUE friendship forms FIRST.

I recognize that other people aren't the same as I am. But that's me. If I don't have a friendship, there isn't going to be any falling in love or having sex. I just require a much closer bond before I can fall in love.
 
Well-I guess the question is WHY do you think you can't handle it?

What about him being intimate with someone he has already established a relationship with at some point scares you?


it wasn't an already established relationship, it was an affair she had a partner and he didn't know...
when i met him he was still in love with her, and he still is but there relationship has ended or at least the physical part has.

Does it make you feel unworthy?

I know that in general i don't feel worthy a lot of the time, this is not because of any other woman this is just my own issue of low self confidence. I know the other girl, and in my opinion she is prettier, nicer, more ingeligant etc but that is not a healthy way to think i shouldn't be comparing myself to her and infact if it where montianboy who was with the same girl i would have no problem at all because i am secure with him and i trust that he is not comparing me or wouldn't rather be with someone else.

Does it make you feel like you aren't good enough?
I don't feel good enough, for ethier of them a lot of the time, again this is my issue nothing they have done.

Are you afraid of losing his time?
yes i am afraid that it would cut into the time he can spend with me because at the moment we have a nice balance and i don't want that to change.

Are you afraid of being replaced by her?
even though he has given no indication that he would rather be with her i am afraid that he might love her more, maybe because he can't have her and that makes it more intense.

What's your hang up??

worse case senario he stays with her overnight, they sleep together or do something intimate and they re-start whatever it was they had before and he is totally and utterly madly in love with her again and i get forgotten about.

But to me-no person has a right to demand anything of another beyond "if you can't respect me as a person please stay away from me" and that they not be touched if they don't wish to be.

I agree and i do not wish to demand that he does not do anything with this girl, i don't want to pin him down and i don't want to restrict him and i am well aware that these are my issues that are not related to how he is acting. However, that being said i would rather that he allows our relationship to develop longer, and be more secure before he does ethier re-start something with this girl or finds another. I am also very uncomfortable with the idea of her having a partner who knows nothing about this, and then i have this horrible secret to keep.
.
you can do it my way-or go live with someone else. But I won't hold it against you EITHER WAY. I won't demand you do things my way-I just won't subject myself to you if you need to do things a way I can't handle.

I don't think this is a bad way to be, but with this im not sure how i feel and so i want to work that out before i decide what i will do if he does decide to do something with this girl or another before i feel we are ready to cope with that. At this stage he hasn't even said he wants too this is all hypothetical. I would like to have some idea how i am going to deal with it should it happen because i don't want to end things with him.

Jools
 
He has agreed that introducing new people would be bad for us just now. Specifying an end date seems difficult because im not sure how long it will take for our relationship to establish to a level that we both feel secure enough,

Relationships are about communication, negotiation, give and take. If he's agreeable, set an end date for 6 months from now. When that time is up, if you don't feel comfortable, then renegotiate for another 6 months, or some other time period you both can agree on. You're not forcing him to do anything. He is his own person and an equal partner in this relationship. If he makes the choice to not enter any new relationships, then that is *his* choice.

i dont' feel like im worthy of his attention...

Does the feeling match the actuality? Is he providing you with attention? If yes, then it follows that he feels you are worthy.

Many of our "unconscious" thoughts are really conditioned thoughts. Unconscious just means you don't actively think them. They're automatic. One technique to "recondition" the unconscious mind is to actively pause your thinking and then reflect if the thought matches the actuality. Some people silently yell stop and then tell the thought to go away, because it is not the truth. Keep at it long enough, and some people find the thought doesn't come around any more.


I want all my partners to have the freedom that i do.

There is a difference between fairness and equality. They are not always the same.

Feelings, wants & desires are neither right or wrong. They just are. If you and he are able to come to an agreement within your relationship, then it is fair regardless of what that agreement is.
 
Well-I guess the question is WHY do you think you can't handle it?

What about him being intimate with someone he has already established a relationship with at some point scares you?


it wasn't an already established relationship, it was an affair she had a partner and he didn't know...
when i met him he was still in love with her, and he still is but there relationship has ended or at least the physical part has.


Jools


re⋅la⋅tion⋅ship  /rɪˈleɪʃənˌʃɪp/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [ri-ley-shuhn-ship]

–noun
1. a connection, association, or involvement.
2. connection between persons by blood or marriage.
3. an emotional or other connection between people: the relationship between teachers and students.
4. a sexual involvement; affair.


It's still a relationship. Maybe not a relationship such as YOU want or have with him-but it was a relationship of one sort or another.
 
Does the feeling match the actuality? Is he providing you with attention? If yes, then it follows that he feels you are worthy.
yes he most def prodies me with more than enough attention. :)

Many of our "unconscious" thoughts are really conditioned thoughts.
the not worthy is a conditioned thought from spending many years from a very young age being told i was worthless. I prob spent first 17 years of my life being told this enough that i just grew up believing it
and logically i may reason with myself that i am as worthy as any other person, but i need to make myself actually believe that.
i am going to try what you suggest though

Unconscious just means you don't actively think them. They're automatic. One technique to "recondition" the unconscious mind is to actively pause your thinking and then reflect if the thought matches the actuality. Some people silently yell stop and then tell the thought to go away, because it is not the truth. Keep at it long enough, and some people find the thought doesn't come around any more.

as i really do genuinly want to get past this problem

There is a difference between fairness and equality. They are not always the same.

Feelings, wants & desires are neither right or wrong. They just are. If you and he are able to come to an agreement within your relationship, then it is fair regardless of what that agreement is.[/QUOTE]


i want very much to be ok with him having other relationships, because i genuinly believe that love has nothing to do with posession.. I just need to work through my feelings so that it doesn't hurt me to think of it,

it is kind of odd that i want so badly to feel ok with something
and still i am not able to make myself ok with it
very very frustrating... logical brain in conflict with my feelings.

Part of me thinks that I should just allow things to happen if they do and then deal with whatever feelings that brings up in me and if it is something i truely can't handle then I always have the option to leave. I am in this relationship through choice nobody is keeping me in it and if it turns out that i start to just feel terrible then i am no longer enjoying the relationship and therefor probably should move on,

but obviously i really don't want to end it especially since nothing has happened to hurt me at all so far and this is all hypothetical.

Perhaps i think far to much!

Jools
 
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