Do we have the right?

TL4everu2

New member
Ok, LT met a guy a couple weeks ago. They hit it off, and she was scared to ask him out. So, I stepped in and spoke to him about it. I told him that she liked him and all. He said the feeling was mutual. Soooo...I put it back into her hands. She asked him out. :D Well, throughout the conversations, it came out that he had been arrested in the past, and was currently about to get off probation. Well, I have been too, so it was no big deal to LT. But it certainly perked up MY ears. LT and I both went out with him for their first "date". We explained our relationship dynamic to him, and explained that all we desired was for him to be honest with us. He said no problem, and all was fine. LT eventually asked him WHAT he had been arrested for. He said it was "because of child support".

Ok....So, here comes the question: Do WE have the right to do a background check on him?

I'll say this: We already DID do one, and he was not completely honest with us. :(

He got upset that we would do one on him. I'm PISSED because he lied to my wife and I. I told her to cut it off with him because if he lied about THIS, what else would he lie about??? :confused:

Well, she has been talking to him. I'm not getting into what his charges are, but I will say that two are felonies, and none have anything to do with child support. :mad:

If you were getting into a new relationship, and had reason to believe the person had been in jail, would YOU do a background check on them?
 
If you were getting into a new relationship, and had reason to believe the person had been in jail, would YOU do a background check on them?

Yup..no doubts about it. If I was on my own it might be different but my choices affect others. The guy may have been terribly embarrassed and there is no reason to think he can't change..anyone can. That being said he has no right to get pissed. Same thing goes for getting caught doing something wrong by a snoopy partner. If you do something shitty and you get caught, suck it up and prove your trustworthiness..don't just expect it.
 
It would never occur to me to do a background check. This might be a cultural difference...but...the idea of doing a background check on a potential partner just sounds like the weirdest thing ever.

I have no capacity to understand under what circumstances I would ever feel that to be ok...

So, my answer is No. I would never do a background check. I would view that as a massive invasion of privacy.
 
I don't see it any different than asking for proof of STD testing, it's just smart, after all this is someone you just met. If I'm not mistaken, prison records are public record and it doesn't take much to find out the truth. I suppose it would be different if this was someone you had known for years and then all of a sudden ran a check.
 
Just to clarify..I wouldn't check out everyone. But this guy gave a reason to look into his history.
 
than asking for proof of STD testing

But there wasn't any asking...the check was done behind his back. Or have I misunderstood ? Were you honest with him about your intention to do a background check ? Or did you keep that from him ?

I'm going to bow out of this discussion - because I think there's a strong cultural thing happening. It would be completely unacceptable here. But it seems more common there. So, I can't add much...other than illustrate that some people would find it unacceptable, therefore I feel the fact this guy is pissed off, is a fair response...one that would be shared by at least a reasonable portion of the population.

Of course, feeling like you've been lied to is also a sound reason to feel pissed off.
 
I don't see anyting wrong with it. Especialy cuz that story would have sounded off to me to begin with. I did one on Karma's dad before I gave him his contact info, when I found him. I didn't want Karma trying to start a relationship with him without knowing his history. I don't see anything different with a romantic relationship.

And you're right, if he'll lie about that, what else is he going to lie about. Like SN said, what's the difference between that and an STD test. Someone can say they are clean, but how do you know for sure.

It's sad that that is how it has come to be, but better safe than sadly surprised.
 
I would never have thought of it, and like bella the mere idea seems very foreign to me, like hiring a private investigator to check on someone you've just met. It sounds paranoid and weird, and if I heard someone had done a background check on me, I probably wouldn't want a relationship with them.

This being said, I don't think your necessarily were wrong. He had charges and you wanted to know which, I guess that makes some sense. And it seems "background check" doesn't have the same connotations of "I just had to check if you're a serial rapist before shaking your hand" over there than it does for me or bella, so it might be something he should have expected a bit more.

Since, I would definitely be upfront about that and even do the background check together. Since it was compared to a STD test, I wouldn't go check someone's health record, but I would ask for test result and/or take a new test together.
I would provide mine in return though, so I would say, did you offer your own background checks as well? It seems only fair.

In the end, while I can get why he'd be pissed, I think lying about that to begin with really doesn't bode well, and instead of being pissed he should have been explaining why he lied, apologized for lying, and then said he wished you hadn't done a background check behind his back.
 
I think there may be a cultural thing here. There are hundreds of sites that will do simple background checks, mostly it's to see criminal activity and it's only $10-$25 on average. All it basically does is check "public" information, it's not a credit check nor what the FBI or military would consider a real background check.

I also agree with Mono - this guy did give reason to warrant a check of criminal history.
 
Well, she has been talking to him. I'm not getting into what his charges are, but I will say that two are felonies, and none have anything to do with child support. :mad:

If you were getting into a new relationship, and had reason to believe the person had been in jail, would YOU do a background check on them?

Yes. I work in an industry where a felony ends a career. I have to be clean, sober and a law-abiding citizen. I expect the same from my partners.

While there may be a good explanation, if someone has been arrested--- you can learn a lot by how they explain that "mistake." If the felonies were violent, if they were stealing others' money, if they were crimes against children or the elderly.... that says a lot about a person.

Yes, even people on parole need love. BUT... in the beginning of a relationship, honesty is more important than saving face.


(and yes, this is an American thing.--it is far more common that someone has been arrested/has been in prison here. According to a Huffington Post article http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/09/29/unemployment-statistics-_n_744222.html---Currently more than one in 100 Americans is in prison, the report says, as the total incarcerated population, at 2.3 million, is by the far the world's largest. The U.S. prison population, in fact, is larger than that of the top 35 European countries combined. What's more, the U.S. spends about $50 billion annually to maintain this system.)
 
While there may be a good explanation, if someone has been arrested--- you can learn a lot by how they explain that "mistake."

Just getting arrested isn't bad. One can get arrested for protesting a tree being cut down, for example. One can get arrested for a misdemeanor, and the charges dismissed.

If someone's been convicted now that's more of an issue. And of course, the severity of the charges. But just because someone was convicted and did time for something like theft, or whatnot, doesn't mean they will always be a thief or cannot reform.

I agree that they should be honest upfront, and not get bent out of shape over a background check.
 
While there may be a good explanation, if someone has been arrested--- you can learn a lot by how they explain that "mistake." If the felonies were violent, if they were stealing others' money, if they were crimes against children or the elderly.... that says a lot about a person.
I have to agree with this.

We (LT and I) felt that since he opened up and told us that he was currently ON probation, it was fair game to research. While I didn't pay anything for the search, I still am able to conduct one. In fact, here in Florida, arrest records are all public information. So if you know the county of the arrest, you can look it up on that counties website. Usually, if you ask simple questions about the person's past residence's, and find out where all they have lived, you can find out anything you want to about them. The internet is a wonderful thing. The problem, is that often times, we will make snap decisions based on the info we find. Sometimes, those decisions are a good thing.....Others, not so much.

In our case, he had been arrested in 04,05,06, again in 07 with prison time in 07, and another arrest in 2010. So it looks like he was TRYING to clean up after 07. The one in 2010, was a driving while license suspended IIRC, and here in Florida, we kinda overlook that specific charge. Why? Because in Floriduh, the state can, and DOES suspend your license for things such as unpaid child support or unpaid car insurance. These license suspensions are often without any kind of notice, so HERE, it is best to check your license every couple months or so to prevent such a thing from happening. The cops DO know if you have been notified and RESPONDED to your license revokation or not also. So if they see it was not known about, they will often times give you a warning, and log it into the state system that now you know.

We are currently talking to this guy to see how he is explaining it out. He shamefully admitted to all of it. He said he was embarrassed about it all. He said he felt like he was under a micro scope. LT told him that we do this sort of thing to protect ourselves nd those we are CURRENTLY involved with, and if that bothered him, she was sorry. But it was something we HAD to do.


As for cultural differences, well...Here in the states it is COMMON to do a background check on someone. I actually get kinda relieved when someone tells me they are going to do one on me. I always tell people I'm wanting to get to know "better", about MY past. I got arrested and served jail time. ONCE....21 years ago. And haven't been in trouble since. It was a nice drunken night, and I wound up in jail. :rolleyes: But eh....Whatever. I did my time and I stayed clean ever since.

This guy is YOUNG. LOL He is only 25. (LT is a cougar! LOL) I am 40, and LT is 39. So this guy reminds me a lot of myself. And the things he did, are not completely unlike anything I would have done at the same age. So we can overlook a lot of things.

But MY issue, was we told him (and I QUOTE) "All we ask, is that you are honest with us, and yourself". And he was not completely honest. However, he did not DENY anything once called out. So, that spoke volumes to me.
 
I can think of one or two folks in my past that I wish I HAD done a background check on. Would've saved me a lot of anguish.
So put me in the Yes vote.

There's no room in a relationship...poly or mono, primary or secondary...for blatant dishonesty like that.
 
Also - this guy has at least one kid somewhere that he's not paying child-support for. Expect to hear all about how awful the babbymomma(s) are.
 
Also - this guy has at least one kid somewhere that he's not paying child-support for. Expect to hear all about how awful the babbymomma(s) are.
Actually, he DID get that taken care of. The child was proven not to be his. At least this is what we've been told so far. ;) Not sure I believe it yet, but time will tell.
 
My partner and I have been in a similar situation with someone she was dating. We met him first as a friend and he was honest about going to jail. When things changed, (We never did a background check) but of course we asked him what he went to jail for.
He didn't lie, and that honestly made all the difference to us, and he didnt go to jail for something small. We kept him in our lives because he was young at the time he went to jail, and because he really was a changed person.

However in the future I really see no problem with doing a background check on someone. I would maybe tell them that I plan to do one, but you did ask so you gave this guy the oppertunity to tell the truth. He has no right to be anrgy with you or your wife that he got caught in a lie.
 
Well, unless you violated the law in doing the record check, then you clearly had the right. I don't think that's what you're asking. I think you're asking, "was it reasonable?" That's not our call. You have to make decisions for yourself that you feel comfortable with.
 
Nope, no violating the laws. Everything I got, I got legally. ;)
 
I don't know that I would want to date someone who would do a background check on me. I don't have anything to hide by any means but it would make me uncomfortable that someone was going behind my back to find things out when they first met me rather than just asking me about myself.

I understand that what he was telling you wasn't ringing true to you but if it was me I think I would have let him know that I was interested in researching it further for myself to see if his story did check out. I think that he probably would have just come clean right away if that was the case.

We all have things in our past that we aren't proud of. There are things I'm not going to tell someone in the first few meetings because that level of trust just isn't there yet. I don't know that the info isn't going to be used against me in some way in some other area of my life. This fellow doesn't know you any better than you know him. I believe that people have a right to some level of privacy. Just because you can find it on the internet doesn't mean you have to.

Sometimes it seems that people are looking for dirt on those who they are just meeting so that they have a reason not to trust them right off the bat. Trust is mutually earned. I don't expect 100% transparency from someone who I am just meeting. Just like I don't show 100% of who I am right off the bat.
 
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