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-   -   Anyone else exhausted? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=13600)

nouryia 08-16-2011 07:13 PM

Anyone else exhausted?
I was reading some online articles and blogs on polyamory as I try to adjust and make my way through. Some of them included some pros/cons lists and the like. Now most of those were of a rather obvious nature but I had a bit of an epiphany when I read this one:

"Under Cons: More processing, more arguments, more hurt feelings, more long talks into the night sorting things out, more sharing, more talking, more planning, more WORK than you could ever have in a monogamous relationship."

Ya know, I'm feeling worn out, tired and down right ready to hibernate lately...and I wasn't sure why. Now I know. I've been working SO hard at easing my husband's insecurities and talking through his jealousy issues. And mine too, I mean, I am a secondary partner to my b/f and it's new to me. I've had to work my head around sharing him as well. Then there's the scheduling for time together with all the mates as well as alone time with each the hubby AND the b/f. All that while maintaining a front for my kids because we're not telling them at this time...I'm pooped.

And another serious mental mind fuck for me, I realized that I don't know how to have a strictly "secondary" relationship. I can't keep things light and fluffy and neatly separated under "primary" and "secondary". I find that I still yearn for more, even when I get to see my b/f 2 or 3 times in a week. Though most weeks it's only 1-2 times max.

I'm not being greedy really... But a part of me always feels slightly empty when I'm home with my original family...and it's becoming harder. I wish the b/f was there with us. And I can't really say it out loud since we're still working on hubby's insecurity ~sigh~.

I think of crazy things like sharing a semi-detached house with my boyfriend and his mates/kids, yet I know how impossibly difficult something like this would be, I'm not stupid.

So my mind's been racing and I'm tired...sure hope this gets easier.

redpepper 08-16-2011 08:27 PM

Um, do you have a blog you would like me to add this to? Its just that its kinda bloggy ya know?

nouryia 08-16-2011 08:54 PM

If by bloggy you mean it's a bit too long, I apologize, I was trying to explain how I was feeling lately and asking for feedback. If you meant that I'm not asking a specific enough question, I thought I was. My intent was not to blog (or I'd go back to LJ).

I was just wondering if the way I've been feeling juggling the various aspects of a new poly life was typical and hoping for some feedback from more seasoned folk. Let me know what kind of posts are forum-ish and I'll try to abide by that in future...Or feel free to move my thread in a more appropriate section, sorry.

TruckerPete 08-16-2011 09:04 PM

Yes. Tired. I think the first post of my blog talks about how damn tired I was.

It does get better. How long have you been together?

Also, PM me with where in Ontario you are, if you feel comfy. :)

Periwinkle 08-16-2011 09:14 PM

Maybe being secondary just isn't for you? You can't really force a relationship any which way, after all. Why do you call yourself secondary?

Good luck with yours and your husband's adjusting to polyamory--I'm in the same boat since I got a boyfriend who's poly.

You're not being greedy, and the housing idea sounds lovely.

nouryia 08-16-2011 09:39 PM

Hi TruckerPete :) Hubby and I have known each other 5 years, married for a little over 2 years. I started having "fun" with the boyfriend (who is my hubby's male fwb) almost a year ago. About 6 months into it we realized we fell in love along the way. It's been a year full of growth, changes, wonderful rewards and painful challenges. Glad to hear things can get a bit simpler over time...lol

nouryia 08-16-2011 09:43 PM

And Periwinkle...I call myself secondary because both b/f and I have mates and families and he and I do not live together. I'm not intent on forcing anything, just going along with the feelings...

Periwinkle 08-16-2011 09:48 PM


Originally Posted by nouryia (Post 97640)
And Periwinkle...I call myself secondary because both b/f and I have mates and families and he and I do not live together. I'm not intent on forcing anything, just going along with the feelings...

Ah, I see. I'm new so I'm a little confused--if you live apart, do you have to be secondary?

justlost 08-16-2011 09:52 PM

Yes I'm tired!

Tired of talking about poly. Tired of.thinking about poly tired.of the emotions the long talks the confusion and the pain.

Most of all tired of hurting inside.

Trusting in those words of experience by so many here that say it will get easier with time and communication communication communication!

nouryia 08-16-2011 10:09 PM

Justlost: Sorry you're feeling so much pain. Communication is always a good thing, no matter what kind of relationship one is in and I'm trying to teach my husband to say what's on his mind in a way that's constructive, not hurtful.

He tends to bottle things up and act out for a few hours/days instead. Very passive-aggressive. And when he gets to finally let out what bothers him, he comes out fighting and insulting. But he's getting better slowly...and so is our relationship. Baby steps...

Considering he's had to watch his male friend with benefit and me, his wife, fall in love, I've cut him some slack...

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