Bit of a rocky conversation with the bf =/ The 'am I not enough for you?' question came up, and I just don't know what to say to that.......
This was in 1974, and I'm sure it's more than 1/3 now.
The divorce rate is less then 50% in the US and declining according to many sources. http://www.census.gov/newsroom/rele...atus_living_arrangements/cb11-90.html....just saying.
Quath....Are these examples you used with your partner(s). I know I wouldn't have responded well to being compared to a pet or a steak dinner. Thats just me. In fact I once said I don't share a car or pants or pet with my neighbor why would I want to with a spouse.
RP ...... how does time and attention factor into the abundance and scarcity mindset? If you come from a mono relationship and one spouse finds another relationship her love increases by the number of new partners....abundant. For the mono other partner their time attention and focus from spouse has to be become a fraction. 1/2 ...1/4....1/6 whatever it happens to be. From a time and attention point of view less abundant.
Imagine you're shown into a wonderful room. In this room are all the things you love: every video game, book, album, movie, whatever it is for you. All the clothes in the closet fit and are flattering. The bed is soft and comforting, like it was designed for that crick in your neck. You love your room. You love it so much, in fact, that you might never leave. And not leaving is fine. You can stay.
OMG I FORGOT THE BATHROOM!! LOLWHERE IS THE BATHROOM??
Thanks.But seriously, that's an awesome metaphor!
When I had "the talk" with my husband, I used this kind of elaborate metaphor to describe my feelings about monogamy, and he liked it so much he's used it to explain our marriage to other people...
Imagine you're shown into a wonderful room. In this room are all the things you love: every video game, book, album, movie, whatever it is for you. All the clothes in the closet fit and are flattering. The bed is soft and comforting, like it was designed for that crick in your neck. You love your room. You love it so much, in fact, that you might never leave. And not leaving is fine. You can stay.
Then imagine that someone says to you, "do you love this room?" And of course you say "oh yes, this room is lovely." And this someone says, "Well, if you want you can stay forever, but if you ever put so much as one toe outside the door, it will lock behind you and you can never ever come back."
That means that in order to stay in the room, you agree that you will never play any other video games, read any other books, wear any other clothes, sleep in any bed other than the ones in that room. Meanwhile, you can look out the window and plainly see that there IS life outside the room - you just can't be a part of it.
That's monogamy. It's not that what's in the room isn't appealing. You love the room, and everything inside it. It's that you're voluntarily saying "I will live in one room forever."
IOW, to a poly, even the very best mono relationship is a gilded cage. It's very nice, very fancy, nicely appointed, but it is, nonetheless, a cage.
That's a fantastic metaphor.
IOW, to a poly, even the very best mono relationship is a gilded cage. It's very nice, very fancy, nicely appointed, but it is, nonetheless, a cage.
To a mono person it is the pinacle of relationship fulfillment and a foundation to take on other challenges in life.
And herein lies the difficulty in mono/poly relationships!
What a difference in view, eh?
And herein lies the difficulty in mono/poly relationships!
What a difference in view, eh?
That is absolutely true. My husband and I both identify as poly, which makes things simpler sometimes. But if he weren't or I weren't, I imagine the conversation would have to be had far differently. I hope my little metaphor didn't come across as me dogging on monogamy - just me trying to express how I personally have always felt in mono relationships.Totally I think it's good not to forget that mono and poly views both come from healthy places as often as they can come from unhealthy ones. Sometimes we project our own negativity towards things under the idea that ultimately everyone thinks and feels the same way we do. It takes a lot of blind acceptance to trust in the happiness of others when we feel so different internally.