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-   -   Why's it always the redheads fault? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=5619)

redevil 01-19-2011 08:41 PM

Why's it always the redheads fault?
To start at the beginning, I found out in my early teens that my parents had an open marriage. The way I found out was mean and spiteful, and more about my mom trying to hurt my relationship with my dad who I am very close to. It took me several years to overcome the things that happened in the months surrounding my discovery. My dad, whose idea it was from the beginning, was always one to keep his relationships away from home, and actively protected me from the situation. I don't know for sure when my mom decided to become active, only that when I was about 14, she made it very very obvious. After a brief stint living with family to get away from things, I came back to find a lot of tension as my mother's relationship with that bf had ended and she blamed me for it. My father made it clear that he wanted me to come back and because of the way things played out, I could not do that as long as she was still with that man. The next man she dated was better as a person but neither of them respected that I asked to not have their relationship shoved in my face. After a period of time, she began to date a man I'll call K. K is someone that over the course of the last 10 years, I have come to know him and his daughters and consider them. He and my father took turns in the hospital when my mother was dying, he was there when that time came and in the months that followed helped my dad to over come his grief. Her death came at the holidays, he went and purchased the gifts my mom had planned to buy for my daughter and my unborn son. I find that I don't have the words to describe the way I think of him.

I began dating my husband in high school, while my mom was dating K. The first time he came to my house, mom and K were getting ready to go out and as it was something I had come to see as normal (thanks in great part to the way he handled the situation) I introduced them as my mom, my dad and my mom's boyfriend. This was a lot for Lobster to take as he had been raised in a Mormon family. Over the years the relationship became not normal but a part of life in his mind. Our daughter grew up calling mom's bf as Uncle K, and even my in-laws understood that he was a part of our family even if they didn't agree.

I have never been a fan of romantic relationships, preferring friendships with benefits, knowing that at anytime I could walk away and move on. I also do not believe in marriage, believing rather that you stay with someone because you want to not because you are legally tethered to them. My husband is the only person who gave me pause in these thoughts. He was the only person I considered changing my ways for and then, the only reason we married was for his job, otherwise we'd be living happily in sin :D When he and I married, one of his concerns was that I would want the kind of relationship that my parents had, and I assured him that I would NEVER go there! (Famous last words right?)

I am a very sexual person by nature, I flirt and become suggestive without really realizing that I do it. I have always felt that you can have sex without attachments and that as long as everyone is aware, well humans aren't really meant to be monogamous. I still thought that way, however Lobster does not, and so I tried to behave in a way that would not cause him hurt. For some reason the death of my mother seemed to be a shifting point in me. I began to feel uncomfortable in my own skin but didn't know the cause of it. I opened up to my Lobster about likes and desires and found that instead of judging, and turning away, he embraced the things I wanted and truly enjoyed them. In the last 5 years, we have built our relationship to something that I feel could stand up to just about anything. And that feeling is amazing!

A couple years ago, I started talking to a friend of a friend online about fairly innocent things..sexually related yes but not directed at one another if that makes sense. Things happened, the connection was lost, life went on. About 2 months or so ago, thanks to my oldest child, communication was reopened between us. Things started out as a possible 3rd for Lobster and I, and then as time progressed, the relationship grew into something more. From the start I was open and honest with my boy, telling him where I stood, asking for his feedback and trying to help him see that this could be a good thing. Monster (the boyfriend) and Lobster got to know each other and as long as the conversation skirts around me, they do great. ;)

I know that this is a struggle for Lobster but he's trying because he loves me that much. I feel a deep responsibility to do whatever I can to help him in this adjustment, and that's something that Monster shares with me though I did not expect it. (Again, how lucky am I?) I am always looking for new ways to show Lobster just how important he is to me, and how proud I am of the progress that he has made. There has never been a doubt that he and I are going to come out of this stronger. That said, it's not easy. I am not an extremely emotional person, preferring often to scream and storm off until I calm down but you can't do that with this. I still get frustrated and hang up on him (currently everyone is in differently countries due to work) but I call back and those hang ups are much fewer then they used to be. I still attack back when he attacks me even though I know why he's doing it. Maybe it's the redhead that makes me feisty ;)

Finding this site, reading through many threads, I've realized several things. First, I didn't think poly was for me because of the way that my mother handled things in the beginning. For me, poly was not a conscious decision rather a rational solution to a situation I found myself in. Monster's place in my life was created because of him, rather then finding him to fill a position, if that makes sense. Second, my thought process lends itself to a poly life quite well. I have no problem adjusting to including Monster into decisions that I would normally include Lobster in. Things like new tattoos and piercings, like the next place to live..I ask for both of their input on handling situations that crop up daily and it seems natural to me. I dream of a little future with a big family and 2 amazing men who love me.

ImaginaryIllusion 01-20-2011 12:26 AM

Welcome to the Forum, and thanks for sharing your experience.

As for why it's always the redhead's fault?? We're just lucky that way I guess. ;)

LovingRadiance 01-20-2011 03:31 AM

Did you try to post an intro already under another name? Cause it's oddly similar...

Anyway-welcome to the forum. Sorry your intro to the poly-world was so difficult. Look forward to hearing more from you.


redevil 01-20-2011 03:34 AM

Nope..it twas not I ;)

LovingRadiance 01-20-2011 04:48 AM

Ok. ;)
Just curious, it was so oddly similar!

At any rate! Love to hear more from ya on the boards!

Derbylicious 01-20-2011 11:24 PM

All my poly woes I blame on redheads ;) (my husband is one, my girlfriend is one and my husband's girlfriend is one).

I think I'm in the puppy house now :D

bella123456 01-21-2011 05:18 AM

there's certainly some interesting stereotypes about redheads...being a red head myself, I can't really comment
I've had partners that swear there's something to it though !!

LovingRadiance 01-21-2011 07:01 PM

Maca is a redhead and I always wished-so I keep mine dyed red.

redevil 01-21-2011 07:04 PM

My mom and sister dye theirs red, well only my sister these days but..:)

I have already warned both my guys..the boys (we have 2 between us) they aren't allowed to date redheads. I know how those girls think! :p

TL4everu2 01-22-2011 05:00 AM

I do love redheads......My wife dyes her hair too. :p

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