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-   -   Sort of new to Poly - Looking for input/thoughts/comments (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3633)

Andy4700 09-01-2010 06:41 PM

Sort of new to Poly - Looking for input/thoughts/comments
Hello everyone,

I am looking to bounce something off the Poly community here and just get some feedback.

I posted an abridged version of this on a traditional relationship advice board and got an overwheming negative response. A member there suggested this forum. I am going to expand a bit on the topic, because I feel/hope you folks are more on the same mental wavelength as me. :)

I am 26. I am marred. No children and we are not planning to have any. We have been together 7 years. Our relationship is the first serious relationship for both of us.

I love my wife. We are a great couple. We get along great for the most part, have the same ideas, values, goals in life, etc. So seperating isn't a good option.

Problem is I have the desire to explore other women. My wife and I have talked about this a lot over the past few years. She isn't offended or upset by it. She knows I love her and am not trying to make up for something she is lacking. She has said she would be okay with me having a "girlfriend" as long as certain points were kept in mind, and that we keep the honest lines of communication that we have now open so if her feeling would change, I would know about it and could address whatever she didn't like.

I know a bit about Poly, but only from reading articals on the internet. I would really like to make some friends in the Poly world and get to know more about how things really work.

I don't know if my ideal situation would fit within the poly world very well, but I am hoping to get some feedback on that.

I don't just want sex. Sure, I would like to be able to have sex with a girlfriend, but I am seeking much more. I want to be like friends with benifits, but with heavy emphsis on the friendship part. I want to do other things with her too, not just play in bed. If I just wanted sex it would be easy to hit the bars and take a few girls home for a night I suppose. But I don't want that at all, because A., I want to know her really well before we sleep together, B., I want to sleep with her more then once, and C. I want to hear about her day at work, I want her to come over and hang out if she's bored, I want to have lunch with her now and then, basically be part of her life, even if the relationship is kept away from her friends and family. I don't approve at all of lying, cheating, misleading/using women.

I am a bit open as to her situation too. But I won't cheat. She has to be single or in an open relationship of some sort. Everyone involved has to be okay with everything. I would guess thats a standard value in the Poly world.

Since I can't marry her, I don't expect her to stay with me forever. As long as everything is clear from the get go, I am not going to be angry with her if she comes to me and says she met someone that she may have a future with and we have to end our relationship. That was the deal from the beginning. I wanted an experiance and she gave me one. I think I could let go without to many problems as long as I knew she was happy.

Does this sort of thing sound sort of normal in the Poly world? Or am I just dreaming.

I can't make a girlfriend as big a part of my life as my wife. She is not okay with that. The girlfriend would get ot enjoy my friendship and company for whatever length of time she wanted, but would have to know I can't be her prince charming and ride off into the sunset with her.

I know finding a girl for this could be impossible. But I am just wondering if the idea is as abserd as I am beginning to think it might be. Or maybe some here can share similar experiences.

My wife is not bi either. I guess the relationship would be called a V? I am still new to the slang. :) She said she thinks she could be friends with the girl, but isn't interested in playing with her sexually.

NeonKaos 09-01-2010 07:12 PM

You and your wife sound like you're disposed to give polyamorous relationships a chance. Read around on here, look at some of the links we have to other resources, and see if you can find some sort of "poly meet-up" in your area, or in the nearest metropolitan community to where you live. You might also want to recommend to your wife that she join this forum.

Ariakas 09-01-2010 07:17 PM

Well...this is really a variation of a theme. There are swingers who have friends they play with in the non-monogamous capacity and there are poly who don't love everyone they play with. You fit nicely into an open relationship arrangement.

My only warning would be your logical disection of something rooted in emotion. You may want only a FWB but you may end up loving them or visa versa.

What you are looking for is not absurd...not even unrealistic. There are people out there who suit the secondary model well. Married women typically suit it well. But there are lots of variations.

Sounds like you have thought through this and what you are looking for isn't unreasonable or out of the question. :)...By its raw definition, without love it isn't polyamory, but it is definitely non-monogamy and there are a few of us here that can play by multiple sets of rules :)

redpepper 09-01-2010 09:02 PM

Wow, you make it sound so easy! Haha! Ya, what you are looking for us possible and we here tend to call it poly. I am in a vee situation like what you are looking for with Mono on here and PN for example. I also have a relationship with derby on here and have other relationships too. The point of it all is you can create what you want/need. Its suggested, as its been tried and seen to be true that it works better, that you should have honesty, open respectful communication, empathy, a pace acceptable to all in it and in full knowledge of the effects of NRE.

Good luck and happy reading here. Bring your wife, the more the merrier.

On another note, its great that the site you went to suggested here! Thank them for us would you? Everyone has their way and I am glad someone saw that and passed you on to a possible better fit. :)

Andy4700 09-01-2010 09:12 PM

Thank you for the replies.

I fall in love quite easily. If things were to work out as I hope, I am going to love her. Maybe not on the same level as my wife, but I am quite certian I will develop feelings for her. But in my twisted mind I don't feel like that will make letting her go devistating.

I have got several close female friends. None a potential match for my situation, but they are near to my heart and I love them both in the sense that I truly care about them, would do anything to help them, have always been there for them when they needed to vent or a shoulder to cry on, etc. One has been in a serious relationship for the past year, so I have had to take some giant steps back. I still love her. I could never tell her becasue she wouldn't understand, but I do. I am not jealous. I realize I cannot be what she wants, so I am happy she found a man that makes her happy.

I sort of think I would be able to react the same if a girlfriend came into my life. All the things I have wished I could share with my non-poly friend, could become real with her, and when the time came she wanted to move on, I think in my heart I could be happy for her and greatful for her giving me the oppertunity to truly know her, to enjoy her sexually and spend time with her.

I know things can go bad and get messy, but there seems almost less chance of that when everyone is upfront with their expectations of how things will be. It seems like in this situation everyone involved should have thought it all out and know what they want as far as long term/short term, are they going to still date other, etc.

MonoVCPHG 09-01-2010 09:18 PM

Wow, you guys sound like you are off to a great start and have a solid foundation :) One question. Does your wife get to have a boyfriend? Poly is a two way street after all.

Good luck and keep us updated :)

Andy4700 09-01-2010 09:20 PM


Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 42626)

On another note, its great that the site you went to suggested here! Thank them for us would you? Everyone has their way and I am glad someone saw that and passed you on to a possible better fit. :)

Yes, I am glad too. It was the chick who runs this blog about poly,

Maybe she is a member here too?

I was getting kind of bummed by the negitivity and she thankfully popped in with a brighter outlook. I am hoping to maybe finally be understood here.

It does feel nice knowing there are like minded people on the planet. :)

Andy4700 09-01-2010 09:25 PM


Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 42628)
Does your wife get to have a boyfriend? Poly is a two way street after all.

If she wanted I think I could deal with it. Problem is shes is totally not interested in that. I've talked to her about it before. So that rules out more of the swinging type lifestyle or finding another couple to swap with or something. She basically says she is fine with me having someone else as long as things don't go over center where I spend more time with a girlfriend then I do with her. Totally understandable. I would just need a girlfriend that respected my wife and could also understand the feelings.

NeonKaos 09-01-2010 10:41 PM


Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 42626)

On another note, its great that the site you went to suggested here! Thank them for us would you? Everyone has their way and I am glad someone saw that and passed you on to a possible better fit. :)

Srsly. We should have this OP framed and bronzed for posterity. [/hijack]

MonoVCPHG 09-02-2010 01:48 AM


Originally Posted by Andy4700 (Post 42630)
If she wanted I think I could deal with it. .

Sounds to me like you are being both fair and honest. I hope you guys flourish :)

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