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matellas 03-18-2012 06:27 PM

Completely New To This and Need Some Advice
 
Hi All!

I'm in the Kansas City area and with two kids and a beautiful fiance who I'm absolutlely in love with. We have been together for over two years no but about six months ago things were going horrible between the two of us. I was pushing her away and she made a a new friend with another man. Now this man is someone who she now has serious feelings for and has asked me to consider with her a poly relationship. I have two kids under four from a previous relationship who spend most of their time with us and we have raising together. He has one child under four who has it not allowed to see very often. She says she thinks she is in love with him and has told me that it is either us three or nothing at this point. To say the least I'm scared and confused and frustrated and angry and just plain lost. A poly relationship is something I know very little about. She is my best friend and we are an amazing team. He and I scarily enough are very similar and more than likely would be fast friends. But these thoughts of having to see her being affectionate with someone else the way she is with me is something I cannot handle. She has presented this to me just a week ago and has told me I have about two weeks to make a decision. She says she still wants to marry me and be with me forever but that she wants to try this with him as well. We had broken up when things were bad but she wanted to make things work with us and has told me she can't imagine a day without me. But she says this guy complements her in all the ways that I don't. She says she is a better person because of him.She also says that this is not about the sex, it's about exploring here feeling for him. But my thoughts keep going back to having to see her face look at his as he is inside of her with that look of love she has for me. I hate the thought of having to come home and see them cuddling on the couch. I feel as if she gets to have her cake and eat it too. I know that my thoughts are so riddled with jealousy but how can I be ok with the woman I love doing things for me and someone else when all my focus is just on her. It's as if I only get half of her but she would get the whole of both of us. I'm afraid to tell her that I feel as of right now I'm going to say no to this and lose her. I thought we would be together the two of us forever. Furthermore, having two kids I'm not sure I want them to see this. I would be more ok with trying this if it wasn't for having kids. I think I really need some advice and some understanding from anyone else out there who has or is going through this. S

dingedheart 03-18-2012 07:09 PM

1 ....I'd have a problem with the deadline .... And 2 ...if you don't want half focus and half time then walk ...you're not wrong for wanting that. I 'd kill all wedding plans ....put that off indefinitely.

Good luck

nycindie 03-18-2012 08:04 PM

A few thoughts...

Why did you push her away six months ago? What was so horrible between you two?

If you do agree to poly:
  • you can ask for things to move slowly;
  • you don't have to come home to find them on the couch. You can establish boundaries that make your home or specific rooms off-limits;
  • don't think that just because she wants this, that it means she will jump into bed with this guy right away. This is the time to sit down and negotiate what is comfortable for both of you;
  • be sure to discuss safer sex practices; and
  • you wouldn't get "half of her." That's nonsense. Are you ever half a person? She is a whole person wherever she goes. Of course, if you feel her attention is elsewhere, you can speak up and tell her.

matellas 03-18-2012 08:27 PM

It wasn't that things were horrible it was that I was having trust issues due to my ex wife. My ex had cheated on me multiple times including with my best friend and got pregnant by another man and trying to pass it off as mine. My fiances schedule and mine are contradictory a lot of the time and with two kids we rarely have time for one another. She had gotten a new job and made new friends and the times when I thought she would be home from work and we would see each other she wanted to go out with her friends and did so. We began to see less and less of each other and our communication went to shit. For awhile I was comparing her to my ex thinking that she was doing the same stuff my ex was. That went on for three months and the past three months we I have been slowly trying to repair things incliding finally delaing with what my ex did to me.

As for the suggestions if I agree to Poly the thought for me is that getting only half of her is due to my feeling that when you are in a monogamous relationship that one person is always thinking about you and putting you first. In poly it feels like she would be thinking about him part of the time and not me. She would be looking forward to her dates with him not with me. I want to be her everything and I'm feeling now that I can't. This is the person I choose to want to be with but they now want someone else and I can't fullfill things for her. I feel like I'm in a competition with this guy. I caan deal with and compete with sex but love is something I can't... I feel so absolutely lost...

matellas 03-18-2012 08:35 PM

Thanks for the thought... I think back to other relationships were this honestly I would be 100% ok with. But with her I want all of her not parts of. On top of that she already has a very well established relationship with another man whom I really don't know that well. I'm the outsider here between her and him. I play the situation out over in my head and think that I would constantly be trying to make sure he knew I was number one and at the same time be questioning whether she was truly happy with me or not. How often does it work when in a situation like mine? On top of everything else my fear is being outed for being a part of this at work. My position and job would possibly be in some jeapordy for having this kind of relationship. Not that they could fire me over it they would just blackball me and try to force me out. I make a great income and provide for her and I and my kids while she is in school. We would be in a dire situation if something leaked.
As for the wedding plans...(sigh) I guess that is a really valid point.

as for the deadline though...why?

nycindie 03-18-2012 08:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by matellas (Post 129253)
I want to be her everything and I'm feeling now that I can't.

You can't be everything to a person, even if you are both happily monogamous. People need other people in their lives, friends, connections, diversity of thought and ideas, socializing, hobbies, etc. It's just that in poly, that also includes romance and most probably sex with other people as well.

Quote:

Originally Posted by matellas (Post 129255)
I play the situation out over in my head and think that I would constantly be trying to make sure he knew I was number one and at the same time be questioning whether she was truly happy with me or not. How often does it work when in a situation like mine? On top of everything else my fear is being outed for being a part of this at work. My position and job would possibly be in some jeapordy for having this kind of relationship.

Now you are getting ahead of yourself and projecting scenarios that may not even happen. You and she need to discuss this at length before making big changes. Ask her about the deadline. Find out why such an urgency. Let her know your fears. Talk, talk, talk. From the heart. Don't be afraid to let her see how vulnerable you feel.

How old are the two of you?

matellas 03-18-2012 09:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 129257)
You can't be everything to a person, even if you are both happily monogamous. People need other people in their lives, friends, connections, diversity of thought and ideas, socializing, hobbies, etc. It's just that in poly, that also includes romance and most probably sex with other people as well.

In the beginning we were everything to each other. For about the first year or more. Then I got a promotion and got busy working 80-90 hours a week. She wants to be treated as number one (after the kids of course) and for awhile she wasnt getting that from me due to work. I know she can have friends and other things as well. We both want those things but as I have asked her why can't it stay friends? This sounds silly but she used to tell me I was her Edward from twilight and that now this guy is her jacob. I don't know if that reference helps any or not. The romance part for me is harder than the sex. Not to be graphic but I could almost handle her inside of him. I can't handle the look on her face of love when she is.

Now you are getting ahead of yourself and projecting scenarios that may not even happen. You and she need to discuss this at length before anything happens. Ask her about the deadline. Find out why such an urgency. let her know yoru fears. Talk, talk, talk.

How old are the two of you?

As for the urgency I think its because she doesn't want to wait on this. There is such a chemistry between the two of them that she can't handle it going on for much longer. It drives me crazy. He spent the night last night as we were all drinking. He slept on the couch and nothing happened. But just having him there when she is in the room with him and i'm not I'm becoming paranoid. I'm barely getting sleep before I go to work because I have this fear something will happen when I'm not around. She promises it won't until I say yes or no. Actually as far as I know from what she has told me he has no idea that she is thinking this. I'm sure he has assumptions but nothing has been discussed.

I'm 34 and she is 28.

nycindie 03-18-2012 09:33 PM

Can you fix that quote? It's a little confusing. Just put this: [/QUOTE] after my words "with other people as well." Then put this: [QUOTE=nycindie;129257] just before "Now you are getting ahead of yourself..." Don't change anything else. You have 12 hours to edit a post.

Quote:

Originally Posted by matellas (Post 129260)
As for the urgency I think its because...

You think this is it, but that means you don't know. You can't go forward operating on assumptions. Ask her what is going on in her head and why she's in such a rush. Is she giving you an ultimatum? Remember that you don't have to accept her proposal. You can tell her poly is not for you. Or you find a way to work it out.

You might find it helpful to print out two of the following documents, on "Creating Authentic Relationship," "Open Relationship Checklist," "Reflecting on Change [in Relationships]," and "[Poly] Self Evaluation." These are from Tristan Taormino's website. Both of you can fill them in individually and discuss your answers together:

Free worksheets (pdf) from Tristanís Book Opening Up
Click on each link to open a PDF.

Quote:

Originally Posted by matellas (Post 129260)
Actually as far as I know from what she has told me he has no idea that she is thinking this. I'm sure he has assumptions but nothing has been discussed.

Maybe he won't even be interested in dating someone who already has a partner. It would seem that the key for all of you in this whole situation is clear, direct, honest communication! If you do choose to consent to polyamory in your relationship, I would then talk to him ASAP.

matellas 03-18-2012 10:29 PM

Thank you I will fix the quote. Sorry about the mistake :)
Funny I just got off the phone with her while I was here at work. She wants the deadline because of her feelings for him and so she can explore those feelings. As for him not being interested he's definetly interested. The reason that this whole thing came up was that a few weeks ago we were all out having a few drinks and this topic came up. My fiance had never heard of it and began to do a little research and is thinking this might solve all of the issues. She can be with me and him and not have to sacrifice anything including being with my kids.

NovemberRain 03-18-2012 10:41 PM

matellas, welcome to the forum. I think it's pretty brave of you to come here and talk about it.

I'm wondering if you're reading other stories here. I think you could learn a lot about 'how it works' and that there is no one single way to 'do' polyamory. Every group has to work out what works for them.

My other question is about your kids. Do each of them only get half of you in love?

matellas 03-18-2012 11:18 PM

Thank you for the welcome. I don't know if its bravery so much as a need to have some understanding and advice and maybe even some guidance. I have begun to read some other posts but haven't gotten that far yet unfortunately. As for the kids, they have all my love but not all time. I have to pay attention to one and cannot pay attention to the other. They have feelings of jealousy and frustration from that. But they don't have a choice as in I'm only one dad. Sharing my fiance with someone else means that I always putting her first but that isn't true for her. My life is full of little time and lots of stress. Knowing that she is committing herself to someone who doesn't benefit me feels like a loss to me. That is selfish on my part but I want to give 100% of myself to someone who wants the same. More than love I've never cheated but now I'm allowing my fiance to have another partner. I believe that humans are not meant to be monogamous but we are due to complications in emotions and feelings. I don't know how to watch all the little things in relationship blossom between two people in front of my eyes. Watch pictures of them go up on the mantle, cards and flowers exchanged etc. I can get past the sex but the love will kill me. On the flip side of this as she has told me today that she doesn't think she could do what I'm doing. That she's sorry for hurting me but she thinks I'm brave for even considering the idea to begin with. I've told her that if I didn't have the feelings I had for her I would've already been gone. But I would keep an open mind on all of this.

ThatGirlInGray 03-19-2012 02:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by matellas (Post 129253)
As for the suggestions if I agree to Poly the thought for me is that getting only half of her is due to my feeling that when you are in a monogamous relationship that one person is always thinking about you and putting you first.

But this isn't true, by your own experience and admission. Not only was your ex definitely NOT thinking of you or putting you first when she cheated and lied in a supposedly monogamous relationship, but your current fiance took time to go out with her friends when you thought she'd be home with you. And I have kids as well, so I also know there are plenty of times when the kids are first anyways! As has already been stated, no one can be another person's everything. We all have friends, family, interests that take up space in our brain. Our brains are amazing things, though. They can handle quite a bit. I spend a lot of time thinking about or talking to my partner, AND I spend a lot of time thinking about or talking to my husband. Sometimes those times overlap, sometimes they don't. They are both far more likely to be affected by having to share time and attention with the kids than with each other, though.

Her deadline, however, is unreasonable. Two months would be far more appropriate than two weeks. If she has the potential for serious feelings for this guy, they're not going to disappear because she waited an extra month or two to try acting on them. And, if you've already been putting a lot of work into improving communication and dealing with the emotional fall-out from your ex, it may be that adding this new question to deal with is putting you on overload, in which case even more time may be needed.

Getting on the same page regarding what you need from each other, what you want, and what your expectations are definitely needs to happen before you get married. It is possible to be happily mono while one's spouse/partner is poly, but it isn't for everyone (or, you could consider the idea of having an additional romantic relationship yourself!). Just be sure you're communicating what you actually NEED, not just what you THINK should be happening because of social conditioning.

dingedheart 03-19-2012 02:21 PM

What is your living arrangement? Are your living together? If so is it your place...her place....both on the lease or mortgage?

SourGirl 03-19-2012 02:52 PM

Hello, and welcome.

I agree with others, the deadline is unreasonable.

I am also going to start putting money in the bank everytime someone here decides that monogamy isn`t working for them, therefore it must suck for all humans. I should end up with retirement cash, fairly soon.
It seems to be a newbie /self-centered thought, that causes people to make such statements. If you don`t want the rest of the world to assume monogamy on you, then you shouldn`t assume polyamory onto others.
I am not sure what the in-the-know poly`s call this, but I dub it as being part of the 'Jones Club' . They still want to keep up with their neighbours. People aren`t really letting their mind open to new ways of living. Instead, they just run in a parrallel universe to monogamy. They build similar expectations, similar outlooks, ...they just do it with more people. So instead of running around preaching monogamy as being the 'only way' they flip, and say non-monogamy is the only way.
So if you do this, do it because you actually believe in it. Not because you have a need for a new-normal.

Back to your personal issue : Your fiance is caught up in NRE, so of course she wants to rush things while she still feels it. She does need to slow down. You have a lot of baggage from your ex and her cheating. This will be part of what needs to be sorted out, in order to look into polyamory in a healthy way.

Your fiance needs to understand that this isn`t just her journey, it is yours as well. Learning experiences are not a one-way street.

Good luck.

Phy 03-19-2012 05:30 PM

Hello and welcome on my part as well.

And: What SourGirl said. I have been in the position of your wife, my love interest moved in with us right away and it worked out. BUT: IF my husband would have needed time to process things and wrap his mind around it, Lin (love interest at that time) and I were prepared to give him a considerable period of time to do so. Lin guessed that his maximum would have been around a year. Mine would have been less, one feels pressured to take action because of all those overwhelming feelings, but she really needs to bear in mind that this isn't her thing alone. For this kind of relationship to work, you have to be part of it as well. And this doesn't mean in a resentful, hesistant, or whatever kind of negative way.

I wrote about our experience with opening our marriage in a blog in the Life stories and blog section on this forum. Maybe you can find some things of interest. I hope you will be able to come to an agreement with your wife as long as you figure things out. You have every right to ask of her to slow down.

Good luck.

matellas 03-19-2012 06:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray (Post 129313)
Her deadline, however, is unreasonable. Two months would be far more appropriate than two weeks. If she has the potential for serious feelings for this guy, they're not going to disappear because she waited an extra month or two to try acting on them. And, if you've already been putting a lot of work into improving communication and dealing with the emotional fall-out from your ex, it may be that adding this new question to deal with is putting you on overload, in which case even more time may be needed.

Getting on the same page regarding what you need from each other, what you want, and what your expectations are definitely needs to happen before you get married. It is possible to be happily mono while one's spouse/partner is poly, but it isn't for everyone (or, you could consider the idea of having an additional romantic relationship yourself!). Just be sure you're communicating what you actually NEED, not just what you THINK should be happening because of social conditioning.


I hope I did the quote on here correctly : )

I do feel like i'm on overload. I hate to sound like I'm complaining but I finally am moving forward from past experiences and trying to become a better version of myself. I was thinking the deadline was unfair and have even told her that. She's somewhat staunch on setting that time line though.

As for me having a second relationship, I have considered the possibility and funny enough while posting yesterday and replying my fiance came up to my work to visit for lunch. While doing so I spoke to her about the research I had been doing the replies I have gotten and my feelings. More so than that I told her that she needs to realize that there's a chance that our relationship will end with this. I was very kind about it and honestly very loving as well. I told her that we don't choose who we love but we choose who we have relationships with. I don't fault her for having feelings for this guy. I don't hate her either. I'm upset yes, frustrated and angry about it but I'm not mad at her as much as I'm mad at the situtaiton. I told her we would sit down and talk about all this and look at every single situation possible. A suggestion that I had thrown out there was her moving out and moving in with this guy for maybe two weeks to a month. We could see each other on Saturdays and she could see the kids then and even spend the night as well. Go back to causally dating. My reason for asking her to move out is that I could not handle thinking of her getting ready to go out on a date with this guy, kissing him and being affectionate with him. I think it would break my heart. I had also told her though that now that she has brought this up there is no turning back now. If I was to tell her I don't agree with her seeing this guy and she decided to stay with me and try to let him go then I would always be left wondering if she was doing it behind my back, if she was happy with just me, if she only made the decision to stay because of the kids etc. Though I did tell her also though that once she was out of our place that I would begin to work on making new friends and acquaintances. That if she was going to explore her feelings then maybe I should to. That I wasn't looking for a new person in my life or a new relationship but would it be bad to turn down a date from someone who asked me? I also told her that while exploring her feelings with him that she may find that she that she is truly in love with him and that he is what I'm not but even more. I think I understand that in poly it's how a person complements someone else and brings the best out of them. That one person cannot always do that for one other person and it can take a second or more to accomplish that. I know there is much more to it than that, but I'm not sure I can handle that. She began to cry in the car. I watched the tears roll down one after another. It was funny though because as I sat there telling her all these things I do so in this excited passionate voice filled with love. I wasn't angry I was excited to share what I had learned with her and what I was feeling. I was really communicating with her. I asked her why the tears and all she could she say was "what have I done?" She told me she couldn't imagine not falling asleep every night in my arms, in our bed. She couldn't imagine not being there when the kids wake up and seeing them throughout the day. More so she couldn't imagine me dating someone else. Couldn't imagine the thought of me experiencing love outside of herself. But, I have come to realize in the end I want her to be happy. That is the most important thing for me. But I want to be happy to. I want to be someone who I can explore with and live out my dreams and theirs as well. I told her that after her exploration with this guy that we may not be together because he is better for her than me. That may not sound realistic but I want to look at every possibility. Can't the greatest gift to give someone else be to be let them go and be free to explore? If it is really in the cards for two people to be together than it will happen? I feel as if though that the guy she is talking to whom I have met on several occasions has a very utopian view on everything. I can see her thoughts changing toward that same view from spending so much time with him. I don't think it's a bad thing it just seems that she felt like at first that "why don't I get that we could all be one happy family?" Now bringing up the reality that I may not want to stick around and even more so that I may want to date others that she is starting to think that it sounds great as long as I don't have to see him doting on anyone else.

matellas 03-19-2012 06:26 PM

We are living together and have been for about two years. Both on the lease for an apartment which funny enough, we are up for renewal in one week.

matellas 03-19-2012 06:44 PM

[QUOTE=SourGirl;129378]Hello, and welcome.

I am also going to start putting money in the bank everytime someone here decides that monogamy isn`t working for them, therefore it must suck for all humans. I should end up with retirement cash, fairly soon.
It seems to be a newbie /self-centered thought, that causes people to make such statements. If you don`t want the rest of the world to assume monogamy on you, then you shouldn`t assume polyamory onto others.
I am not sure what the in-the-know poly`s call this, but I dub it as being part of the 'Jones Club' . They still want to keep up with their neighbours. People aren`t really letting their mind open to new ways of living. Instead, they just run in a parrallel universe to monogamy. They build similar expectations, similar outlooks, ...they just do it with more people. So instead of running around preaching monogamy as being the 'only way' they flip, and say non-monogamy is the only way.
So if you do this, do it because you actually believe in it. Not because you have a need for a new-normal.
QUOTE]


Wow. That is quite a way to put it all into perspective. I would look forward to hear more of what your thoughts are on the subject if/when you have time. You have quite a poignant analogy on this.

As for the journey part of it, I completely agree as well. My overall concern though is that the journey we are now taking is somewhat corrupted by his thoughts and feelings on the subject. That sounds like jealousy at the very least I'm sure but this journey has begun due to her feelings for him and their talks together based upon his sex life and what he has done and how he feels. I have asked her to be honest with me and if we are going to go down this road to at least explore every option together no matter the outcome then we need to be talking about everything. I came home from work a few days ago and seen she had purchased the book "The Ethical Slut". I have not had a chance to do more than glance over a few pages but it honestly sounded like a good find to begin to read over and have some better understanding. On the other side of that though she has always been against porn or anything porn related. If I had bought this book and brought it home or something similar she would've chopped my head off. But now it's kosher all of a sudden. I'm not mad she got it I was upset that she didn't say a word about it and I have to find it on my own. I want to feel like we are in step with each other and on the same page. This is just a small example of what's been slowly happening with her. There honestly has been a ton more where I have been feeling left out or out of the loop.

matellas 03-19-2012 07:03 PM

Thank you for the welcome : )

I will definetly look for the blog you spoke about. I'm sure I can glean some useful information from it. I wonder if that's more normal than I would expect for someone's love to move in right away? I know my fiance has spoken about us all living together at one point and being together. I just feel like that is crowding in on my space. My fiance with her timeline is now trying to point out things to me about him that he and I have in common. She wants me to try to see how we are similar and we can be friends and possibly more. The times I have been around him we do get along but there is something that I can't put my finger on that I can't get past. I know this is me being over analytical and also having the feelings of hurt and frustration but I don't know if he is actually a genuine nice guy. Does that make sense? I just keep getting this underlying feeling like he knows what he's doing and he knows how to influence my finace and is working his way in. When the three of us are all together we get along and have fun. When it's been him and I for a few moments he starts to change a little. Just very subtle in a way that I feel like either he's putting on a show or there is something else. I know I may be crazy and looking for a reason to not like him, but I can't shake this. I can't shake the feeling as if he's just waiting me out...

Phy 03-19-2012 07:08 PM

I didn't wanted to say that you have to be OK with him entering your life completely, don't misunderstand. It worked out for us, meaning: it CAN be possible, but it doesn't have to be. Don't put up with something you don't feel comfortable about. Not everyone is the same and able to handle things similar. On the contrary, I would strongly suggest that she stops pushing that way if you aren't comfortable with it. (My blog is linked in my signature, but there are others as well that give great insight :) )

nycindie 03-19-2012 07:18 PM

Um, hello? Why would she move in with him, or him with her, when, according to you, he "has no idea that she is thinking this?" WHA-A-A-A???

Just because it's poly doesn't mean that an attraction automatically becomes a live-in partner!

Come on, now. Telling her to move out of your place, fine, but it's way too soon for them to live together. Polyamorous relationships still go through phases of courtship and getting to know one another, like any romance does, and waiting six months to a year before even thinking about cohabiting is generally a good idea. If you agree to poly, you can do all sorts of things like not be home when she's getting ready, or she goes on simple coffee dates first but respects your boundaries limiting how physical she can be with him.

There is a whole stage of negotiating you seem to be skipping here. You also have to trust each other, and not give in to suspicious thoughts.

On the other hand, I am glad to hear that you voiced your heartfelt feelings and were able to say what you needed to. There will surely be many more difficult talks. But I wouldn't send her into his arms just yet, nor would I assume right now that you know how you will handle any of it later on. You might surprise yourself.

dingedheart 03-19-2012 07:31 PM

I think you did the right thing in that lunch conversation...and what you suggested makes a great deal of sense to me. Have her move out ...let everyone take a break ...pull back a little to casual dating and explore how you to move forward. Really smart play...good job.


I'm little confused ... She can't imagine you dating or bare the thought you being sexual with others but it OK for her and the other guy.


Sounds like this other guy is poly ?...is that correct. If so how many relationships does he have currently? And why is that OK?

matellas 03-19-2012 08:24 PM

No I understand about what you said and thank you. I guess I was just thinking how often it does happen where it does work out so well?

matellas 03-19-2012 08:57 PM

[QUOTE=nycindie;129435]Um, hello? Why would she move in with him, or him with her, when, according to you, he "has no idea that she is thinking this?" WHA-A-A-A???

Just because it's poly doesn't mean that an attraction automatically becomes a live-in partner!

Come on, now. Telling her to move out of your place, fine, but it's way too soon for them to live together. Polyamorous relationships still go through phases of courtship and getting to know one another, like any romance does, and waiting six months to a year before even thinking about cohabiting is generally a good idea. If you agree to poly, you can do all sorts of things like not be home when she's getting ready, or she goes on simple coffee dates first but respects your boundaries limiting how physical she can be with him.

QUOTE]

I guess that's the thing though about sending her out of the house. I don't think I would be ok watching it go on. I feel as if having her out of the house I could actually not have to think about it and could concentrate on myself and my kids. It's this tearing feeling in my stomach and my heart to think that she would be on a date with someone else. More so they have been on dates already. I say date but they see each other every night at work, they spend time "as friends" going out to eat or getting a drink or socializing with others. My work schedule prevents me from being able to spend as much time with her as I would like to so she began to fill that time making friends from work and that's how this began. Essentially the courtship has already been happening for a few months now. Has there been anykind of intimacy? All she has told me is that they slept in the same bed once and cuddled but nothing else has happened. But they talk on the phone throughout the day and text as well. If she is being honest then the only thing missing so far is the actual physical touching from courtship. I know there is a lot more than that to be had with courtship. But know also that she has spent the night on numerous occasions with him while we were having issues between us.

I understand what your saying that I may surprise myself but I have already had to watch her get ready to go out on other occasions knowing this guy would be there. I have gone with her the night before as she goes shopping and then met up with her the next night as she is wearing the outfit she bought to go out with him. I had no idea that the tight black top she had purchased would be to wear for him the next night. I guess I feel as if I have already partly been living with her seeing someone else. It's not exactly the same and there has been a HUGE loss of communication as it washappening but that's why I feel as if her being in the house would just be the straw that broke the camels back if this is to go on. I would rather her immerse herself into what she thinks she wants and find out for sure. Not that I don't want to be a part of it but as if I have spent two years sacrificing time, money and emotions to get all the way to being able to ask her marry me and then someone else is swoping in and taking that away. I don't know if I want to feel tied to someone who doesn't want the exact same or who in her words "doesn't think she could be doing what I'm doing right now."

matellas 03-19-2012 09:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dingedheart (Post 129436)
I think you did the right thing in that lunch conversation...and what you suggested makes a great deal of sense to me. Have her move out ...let everyone take a break ...pull back a little to casual dating and explore how you to move forward. Really smart play...good job.


I'm little confused ... She can't imagine you dating or bare the thought you being sexual with others but it OK for her and the other guy.


Sounds like this other guy is poly ?...is that correct. If so how many relationships does he have currently? And why is that OK?

Thanks for the support. I honestly didnt mean for it to come out then and it kills me to watch her cry especially from my own words but I couldn't help but get it all out to her at once.

As for her having diffuculty with me being with another girl I think in her mind again that she has this very utopian? view of how this should work out. But only when it is concerning her. That sounds worse than I mean it to though. I think she was thinking that we could all be friends and it would all work out.

This guy as far as I know has no other relationships. He moved here from Colorado with his ex wife and kid and her boyfriend. Supposedly they were all living togther until he started running out of money then she (ex) kicked him out. I guess he never sees his daughter much anymore and his daughter calls the boyfriend dad and calls him by his frist name. From the few talks he and I have had he has said he was involved in a other relationships with swingers and alluded to being in a poly relationship at one point. That's about as much as I know about him though on that.

nycindie 03-19-2012 09:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by matellas (Post 129452)
I don't think I would be ok watching it go on. I feel as if having her out of the house I could actually not have to think about it and could concentrate on myself and my kids...

I guess I feel as if I have already partly been living with her seeing someone else... I would rather her immerse herself into what she thinks she wants and find out for sure. Not that I don't want to be a part of it but as if I have spent two years sacrificing time, money and emotions to get all the way to being able to ask her marry me and then someone else is swoping in and taking that away. I don't know if I want to feel tied to someone who doesn't want the exact same or who in her words "doesn't think she could be doing what I'm doing right now."

Don't get me wrong. I don't disagree with your idea to ask her to move out. I'm just saying it seems premature if she then moves in with him. I wouldn't encourage her to do that. I would think she should find a friend to stay with or be on her own while she decides what to do. What growth can be gained by going from one shared living situation into another when she's trying to come to terms with what she wants? I don't see how it will help her. But I guess if she isn't living with you, then it's really up to her and this is a moot point.

I can totally understand that you are protecting yourself after everything you've put into this relationship. Good for you. If she does move out, would you still want to work on it, or would you consider it over?

matellas 03-19-2012 09:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 129457)
Don't get me wrong. I don't disagree with your idea to ask her to move out. I'm just saying it seems premature if she then moves in with him. I wouldn't encourage her to do that. I would think she should find a friend to stay with or be on her own while she decides what to do. What growth can be gained by going from one shared living situation into another when she's trying to come to terms with what she wants? I don't see how it will help her. But I guess if she isn't living with you, then it's really up to her and this is a moot point.

I can totally understand that you are protecting yourself after everything you've put into this relationship. Good for you. If she does move out, would you still want to work on it, or would you consider it over?

Her moving in with a friend I don't think is the most viable option. The problem lies in the fact that she is always concerned what people will think and her friends from work would ask why she was staying with someone else. I don't think she would want her family to know either. Though they are states away, same as mine there would be the concern that they would find out through others and if we did go back to each permamnently then dealing with the fallout from what had taken place would decimate how they look at her. Her living with him wouldn't be much different then it was just a month or two ago when she was staying there almost every night and spending almost all her time with him. I would see her maybe when she decided to come home while I was feeding the kids lunch, say hi to them for a minute, then retreat to the bedroom to take a nap. The kids and I would leave for the day and come back in the evening and there would be remanants of her getting ready to back out and clothes missing from the closet from what she had packed to go out with him and other friends.

I wouldn't consider it over though. I would consider it that we have slowed down to casually dating if she was to move out and see him. There could always be the possibilty of us working it out but there is also the reality that too much has happened and too quickly. More so than that this relationship has taken place in way that was suspicious and hurtful instead of out in the open. I'm not saying no to anything but I know I need to also come to terms with how this feels and how it makes me feel. It's like I had told her yesterday as she is crying in the car telling me she's sorry for making me hurt. I had said "No matter what someone is going to get hurt in all of this. It's just a matter of how much." There is more to it than that but the gist being that I'm already hurt, she's hurting now and if she doesn't go with this guy he will be hurt and so will she, but if she does go with him and I don't agree then I'm hurt and if I leave she's hurt and so on and so forth.

ThatGirlInGray 03-19-2012 10:15 PM

It sounds to me like she needs to accept that people do indeed get hurt, especially when they make themselves vulnerable to another in a relationship. But they also heal, and the point now is where she wants to be while healing is happening and when it's finished.

If she truly wants to keep her relationship with you, she needs to let go of the idea of a deadline, period. If he's not a cowboy (someone who tries to split up an already existing couple) and truly is interested in a relationship with her, he can wait. They can wait. The utopia they may be envisioning could be possible- I'll pretty much have mine in June once my partner moves to the same city as my husband and myself- but it takes TIME. My husband and I have been slowly making the journey from open relationship to poly for FOURTEEN YEARS. TGIB and I have been on our journey together for over two years. Fast can work, such as in Phy's situation, but most of what I've seen shows that making poly work, especially starting with an already established monogamous relationship, takes honesty and communication (duh) and TIME. If she's not willing to give the time, then it seems to me she's not really interested in making poly work.

Reading "The Ethical Slut" is a good step, though. Hopefully now that you know about it you can benefit from it as well.

matellas 03-20-2012 12:53 AM

You make some great points about the need for time and not having the deadline. Fourteen years is a huge amount of time but in the end anything that is good is worth the wait. As for her wanting to make poly work I'm not sure if it's her wanting it to work or just wanting it to work with him. I guess it is one in the same. But in the end as selfish as this sounds, what do I get out of all this? That's selfish at the least. I want her to be happy with or without me but I want to be happy to. Is it about selflessness in giving up to make the partner happy?

ThatGirlInGray 03-20-2012 01:20 AM

No. You shouldn't have to give up who you are or what you want out of life any more than she should have to. That's another reason you BOTH really need TIME: time to process, to dig at your feelings of jealousy to find out where they're rooted and determine what it is you actually want and expect out of a relationship rather than just what you're used to being told you should want/expect by the rest of society. Poly may be something you can accept in your relationship, but it may not be. The key right now is you don't and can't know without spending a lot more time thinking about it. It most likely will not take you 14 years to come to a decision- MC and I did no reading at all, we took baby steps and discussed and took baby steps and discussed ad nauseum. But we were already somewhat used to throwing off social conditioning (ex-Catholic and ex-Jehovah's Witness, as well as me identifying as Bisexual) so we knew it was all about what we wanted for ourselves, what worked for our relationships and what would ultimately make/keep us strong. Since we had a common starting point it made everything a LOT easier. There was no dramatic "coming out" because he knew from the very beginning that I was unwilling to limit my connections with others but could keep those connections within certain agreed-upon boundaries for the sake of his comfort.

Back to the point, you get out of this what you get out of any relationship: a partner who loves you and is happy to build a life and future with you. What you need to figure out is if you CAN be happy building that life with someone who also has strong connections to a least one other person. I know that right now you feel like the thought of her being with someone else would tear you apart, and maybe that feeling will last, but maybe it will fade with time, too. I know at the beginning of this journey neither MC nor I ever thought I'd be in TWO committed relationships, but things change. So that's another reason for time. You open up the possibility to adjust and adapt to new ideas.

Let me see if I can get MC over here to give you his perspective, since he's the mono one and there may be more going on in his brain than I can guess at. :)

Monochrome 03-20-2012 03:17 AM

I think most of my points have already been brought up, but I just wanted to second (or third, or fourth) the call for discussion.

Despite her deadline, it sounds like she is still confused over just what she wants. She wants to have you and this new guy, but cries at the thought of you having some other love interest? It sounds like she hasn't really examined her own feelings, because the inequality in that thought tells me that this is an impulse, possibly fueled by NRE (new relationship energy), and may not be a true inclination toward polyamory. There are many paths to polyamory, and many forms of polyamory, but wanting to have multiple relationships while limiting your partner(s) just isn't healthy.

Your inclination to have her move out may be a little extreme, but that is not so surprising considering her deadline. This may actually be why she put the deadline in place. I am only hearing his from you, and only a few posts really, but it seems that she may not want to lose you (and/or your children), but wants to pursue this relationship, so she put the deadline in place hoping for you to react. That way, she "just" put a deadline, she didn't break up with you, she didn't move out, she didn't create a poly situation, she just told you to make a decision...and put a deadline on that decision. Any breaking up, or "having a break," or moving out, any change at all, would be your choice. Except, not really. With the deadline of two weeks, she didn't really give you a chance to examine your own feelings, didn't give you a chance to read (and actually comprehend) any literature you find about polyamory, and she didn't give you a chance to talk with her and go over questions and concerns. She set it up so that anything that happens would be your choice. If things work out, then yay! If things don't work out, well, then it's your choice and your fault. She can blame you and absolve herself of guilt. And she may not even realize she's doing this, the whole process may be subconscious.

matellas 03-20-2012 04:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray (Post 129492)
Let me see if I can get MC over here to give you his perspective, since he's the mono one and there may be more going on in his brain than I can guess at. :)

I have to say I laughed out loud at the last part : )
I think that would be fanatstic to have his opinion.

I think what is so hard for me is when I began into this relationship that I was told that we would never have a threesome and if cheated it was over. That was two years ago but I have stuck to those rules. I was told no threesomes which I obliged. I had done that a number of times before and enjoyed it but was willing to swear it off for the sake of making it work. It feels like I have learned to be one thing for us now I'm being asked to be something else.

I guess I also have another question with all this. I know this very well may sound ignorant but I hear so much about love being involved wth all these relationships but I don't remember hearing much about being in love. To me I can see the love in other people and see it in here as well, but what I know about being in love is the feeling of doing anything for that one person. That there is nothing above them. My fiance has always been my "queen." She is what makes me smile. I have put her on a pedestal and never let falter from that. I always want her to be happy. Which I know is contradictory to what I'm saying. Her happiness and needs are paramount but I may not give her what she wants due even though I want her to be happy,.

Thank you for the answer on what I can get out of this. My thought though is this. I kind of look at this as a hunter/gather approach which I can imagine sounds totall shallow. I expend my resources to help her and she does the same for me. With a third though I'm expending the same amount of resources but only getting half from her. For example, with two small kids we are constantly cleaning up or doing stuff around our place or trying to plan for them. There is usually little free time for anything else. The time she spends now with him already and has been means that she is doing less to take care of our family's needs and the burden falls back on me. My kids are with us about 75% of the week and the other 25% with my ex. On my days off they are my whole day from 7:30am till 8:30pm. Once they go to bed I spend the time cleaning and doing laundry and plannning for the next day or even doing work for my job on my laptop. There is little time for me to myself and little time for each other. When she is spending time with him she will blow off chores that we have agreed to she would take care of and it will fall back on me. So how am I supposed to say yes to something that will add more stress to already stressfull household?

Being in two committed relationships. What happens when your the hinge? and one of the other partners now wants to take on a partner of their own? or if both of the partners want that? Do you ever just say enough we stop at this many and no more?

ThatGirlInGray 03-20-2012 04:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by matellas (Post 129507)
I have to say I laughed out loud at the last part : )
I think that would be fanatstic to have his opinion.

Well, you got it! MC=Monochrome, and he posted above your last one. ^^^

Quote:

I think what is so hard for me is when I began into this relationship that I was told that we would never have a threesome and if cheated it was over. That was two years ago but I have stuck to those rules. I was told no threesomes which I obliged. I had done that a number of times before and enjoyed it but was willing to swear it off for the sake of making it work. It feels like I have learned to be one thing for us now I'm being asked to be something else.
So YOU keep making agreements and changes, by YOUR choice. If you don't want to agree, that's fine, you don't have to, but looking at it as, "I did this for you, I don't want to do any more until you do something for me," is at best immature and childish, at worst dysfunctional. If her wanting to change the rules is the problem, you need to take a much closer look at how you do relationships.Not agreeing to a rule change is fine, but not wanting a rule change brought up is not. I've asked to change the rules a million times. Talking about changing the rules shouldn't be a bad thing. But demanding a change or putting a ridiculous time limit/ultimatum on changing the rules is Not Ok.

Quote:

I guess I also have another question with all this. I know this very well may sound ignorant but I hear so much about love being involved wth all these relationships but I don't remember hearing much about being in love. To me I can see the love in other people and see it in here as well, but what I know about being in love is the feeling of doing anything for that one person. That there is nothing above them. My fiance has always been my "queen." She is what makes me smile. I have put her on a pedestal and never let falter from that. I always want her to be happy. Which I know is contradictory to what I'm saying. Her happiness and needs are paramount but I may not give her what she wants due even though I want her to be happy,.
This may be what love is to you, but that doesn't mean that her definition of love or anyone else's will be the same as yours. You may want to look more closely at your definition, or at least talk with her about your definition versus hers. Frankly, this sounds more like adoration than love to me, but I'm not the one you're in love with so my opinion doesn't count for that much except something to think about.

Quote:

Thank you for the answer on what I can get out of this. My thought though is this. I kind of look at this as a hunter/gather approach which I can imagine sounds totall shallow. I expend my resources to help her and she does the same for me. With a third though I'm expending the same amount of resources but only getting half from her. For example, with two small kids we are constantly cleaning up or doing stuff around our place or trying to plan for them. There is usually little free time for anything else. The time she spends now with him already and has been means that she is doing less to take care of our family's needs and the burden falls back on me. My kids are with us about 75% of the week and the other 25% with my ex. On my days off they are my whole day from 7:30am till 8:30pm. Once they go to bed I spend the time cleaning and doing laundry and plannning for the next day or even doing work for my job on my laptop. There is little time for me to myself and little time for each other. When she is spending time with him she will blow off chores that we have agreed to she would take care of and it will fall back on me. So how am I supposed to say yes to something that will add more stress to already stressfull household?
Her already not keeping up her half of the duties and wanting even more time away from home is a legitimate problem. Yes, love is great but being an adult means taking care of your duties and being responsible too. Time management is definitely a hard thing with any relationship + kids, and poly just compounds the problem. It sounds like her wanting to explore with this other guy is bringing problems the two of you already had into the spotlight. The relationship between the two of you needs to be as solid as possible, with everyone being mature and respectful, BEFORE exploring poly.

Quote:

Being in two committed relationships. What happens when your the hinge? and one of the other partners now wants to take on a partner of their own? or if both of the partners want that? Do you ever just say enough we stop at this many and no more?
You can try. If everyone is open to it, then it's possible. But relationship "chains" definitely happen, too. Planning a party with poly people can get complicated, with the guest list getting out of control very quickly! But those are problems for WAY down the road. Something to keep in the back of your mind, sure, but not something I see as being pertinent to the decision you're working on right now.

Phy 03-20-2012 05:01 AM

The time thing is part of many discussions on here and with the poly-couples as well. Even if feelings are relatively infinite, there is only a certain amount for time every person has on his hands. As one can best speak from the own point of view, I would say that every new person entering our dynamic would have to be as involved as Lin (my boyfriend). Meaning 100%, all in. It has proven to be the way we 'do' relationships. Because of his doubts concerning my time and availability Sward (my husband) didn't wanted two separated households and me switching between them. Our living situation is ideal for all of us, because the most of our time is spend with each other that way. We are only separated during every other night, as I stay with the respective other on those.

In regard to new persons entering our life, I am quite sure that there is a limit. If those relationships would have been outside of our nuclear family structure even sooner reached than later. At least theoretically I could imagine two other partners living with us, but that would be a rare find, as the parameters of them living with us would be a nearly similar close relationship between all of us as it already established itself with only the three of us right now. But never say never ….

Concerning your current situation: I would ask to rearrange things if you finally decide to be part of the poly journey and even if you don't you should look out for those everyday life traps you already discovered. Meaning: only doing boring things like chores with each other, communicating mainly about children and family stuff without spending some couple time to keep the romance between you and her alive. Those things she does with this guy should be done with you as well. Going out, spending some time together without the rest of the family and really important: you need to have some alone time as well on your own. That's important. If you start talking about it, you should make the time management (the current as well as the a possible future one) top priority.

NovemberRain 03-20-2012 05:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by matellas (Post 129507)
I guess I also have another question with all this. I know this very well may sound ignorant but I hear so much about love being involved wth all these relationships but I don't remember hearing much about being in love. To me I can see the love in other people and see it in here as well, but what I know about being in love is the feeling of doing anything for that one person. That there is nothing above them. My fiance has always been my "queen." She is what makes me smile. I have put her on a pedestal and never let falter from that. I always want her to be happy. Which I know is contradictory to what I'm saying. Her happiness and needs are paramount but I may not give her what she wants due even though I want her to be happy,.

So she's your Queen, are you her King? It's not necessary for someone to reciprocate in order to feel love for them; but for ME, it's necessary to live with them.

It might be helpful to you to take the Love Languages quiz. It brought me a lot of insight about how I feel loved (and why the people I love make me feel loved).



I don't even have kids, but my bf would not hold up half the household chores and I wasn't willing to be a bitch or a nag, so he moved out. We couldn't be happier. :D

NovemberRain 03-20-2012 05:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Phy (Post 129518)
Concerning your current situation: I would ask to rearrange things if you finally decide to be part of the poly journey and even if you don't you should look out for those everyday life traps you already discovered. Meaning: only doing boring things like chores with each other, communicating mainly about children and family stuff without spending some couple time to keep the romance between you and her alive. Those things she does with this guy should be done with you as well. Going out, spending some time together without the rest of the family and really important: you need to have some alone time as well on your own. That's important. If you start talking about it, you should make the time management (the current as well as the a possible future one) top priority.

That's a possible benefit to you, ya know. If you did get be friends with him, and trust him; you'd have someone to stay home with kids so you could take her out on a fun date.

nycindie 03-20-2012 06:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by matellas (Post 129507)
I have put her on a pedestal and never let falter from that.

Ahh, but you know the problem with pedestals is that people ALWAYS fall off.

matellas 03-23-2012 06:29 PM

I don't know how to answer each and every reply here and unfortunately I think time is a little short for me today, so let me just update as to where it stands. I spoke to her after everybody's gracious comments and advice and told her that I really didn't think I would be able to do this. I would definetly go down the road and look at all the options but I'm really not sure if this is for me. I know with saying that it sounds like I had already made up my mind and that's what she said to. Then I realized it wasn't that I was against this with her it was that I was against it with him. It's that with someone who she has been sharing an open honest relationship was him and not me. I confirmed that last night when the three of us were at the bar and I ended up looking through her text messages from him. She had been promising me that he was unaware of her feelings and that nothing had nor would take place until her and I could take the time to research together and talk and build a stronger communication/relationship between us. In her texts there were messages about how much he wanted to hold her again and touch etc.
I left the bar after confronting her and him about it and went home. She showed up some time later to pack some of her clothes and go stay with him. I asked her about why she hadn't been honest about what was in her texts before and she told me that she didn't think I could handle it. She was right, to a point. I couldn't handle the thought of knowing what's going on feelling like it was behind my back but I could handle the brutal honesty and at least feel like we could have a chance to be on the same page together.
I'm not sure were we stand at this point. I told her last night that for sure that I can't make this work between the two of us and him in a poly relationship. It may be immature but I just feel too hurt and betrayed by someone who I thought was telling me everything.

Through everything I have learned and researched in the past few days I truly have a greater appreciation for what poly is about and how it works. I can't say I completely "see the light" but I feel more enlightened than I did.
All of you have been so wonderful to me in helping me better understand what this is all about. If it's ok I would like to try respoond to everyone's previous comments when there is time over the next day or two. Life is a little hectic right now and I'm just slowly trying to catch up from everything that's happening :)

Phy 03-23-2012 06:35 PM

Just a short note: Your reaction is in no way immature, don't worry about that. The most important thing in poly next to love is honesty. This will never work if she is not able to be honest and show concern and integrity towards all. I hope you will be well and handle the upcoming stressful days as collected as possible. I am sorry that things went like that.

matellas 03-23-2012 06:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Monochrome (Post 129504)
With the deadline of two weeks, she didn't really give you a chance to examine your own feelings, didn't give you a chance to read (and actually comprehend) any literature you find about polyamory, and she didn't give you a chance to talk with her and go over questions and concerns. She set it up so that anything that happens would be your choice. If things work out, then yay! If things don't work out, well, then it's your choice and your fault. She can blame you and absolve herself of guilt. And she may not even realize she's doing this, the whole process may be subconscious.

I have been doing what research I can and reading and going over what I have learned from these posts as well. This was something we were supposed to be doing together between the two of us. We even had a meeting set for Tuesday and Wednesday night of this week to sit and talk about what we learned. At the meeting I realized that I had done all the research and she had done none. Her info from what I can tell is solely based upon what she is getting from him. Not that it's all bad just a little biased to say the least. This was her idea to begin with and I would have hoped to see her take it a little more seriously than she has. As for her absolving herself of guilt well that's the way it usually goes. She is one of the most stubborn people I have ever met. I absolutley love her but she will hold fast to being right and has a very diffucult time admitting when she is wrong.

matellas 03-23-2012 07:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray (Post 129516)
So YOU keep making agreements and changes, by YOUR choice. If you don't want to agree, that's fine, you don't have to, but looking at it as, "I did this for you, I don't want to do any more until you do something for me," is at best immature and childish, at worst dysfunctional. If her wanting to change the rules is the problem, you need to take a much closer look at how you do relationships.Not agreeing to a rule change is fine, but not wanting a rule change brought up is not. I've asked to change the rules a million times. Talking about changing the rules shouldn't be a bad thing. But demanding a change or putting a ridiculous time limit/ultimatum on changing the rules is Not Ok.

You are correct in the thought that me not wanting the rule change is an immature. But please understand that in all my relationships they have been monogamous from the start. More so the love has been monogamous. The sex in the end I can handle and enjoy possibly as I have never thought that humans were destined to only sleep with one person and only have chemistry with one person. But when the rule change has to do with intangible such as feelings and love that's on another level. More so I have been stubborn in this situation just due to the way that it has all come out and come apart as well.

dingedheart 03-23-2012 07:14 PM

Did she ever come and read this thread?

Is she moved entirely out now ?

matellas 03-23-2012 07:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Phy (Post 130111)
Just a short note: Your reaction is in no way immature, don't worry about that. The most important thing in poly next to love is honesty. This will never work if she is not able to be honest and show concern and integrity towards all. I hope you will be well and handle the upcoming stressful days as collected as possible. I am sorry that things went like that.

Thank you for your thoughts. All in all the few days I spent learning about poly and working on being open with her have been some of the best I can remember in regards to communication. I forced myself to be open and honest about every little thing with her. It wasn't easy but it helped make great strides in us being better with each other, even if it did come to a crashing hault. If nothing else I know I can take away how much brutal honesty is important in any relationship.

matellas 03-23-2012 07:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NovemberRain (Post 129520)
That's a possible benefit to you, ya know. If you did get be friends with him, and trust him; you'd have someone to stay home with kids so you could take her out on a fun date.

Lol, funny you say that becuase that's exactly what she was saying to me as well.

matellas 03-23-2012 07:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dingedheart (Post 130115)
Did she ever come and read this thread?

Is she moved entirely out now ?

She never read any of the thread. On (Sunday?) when I found her book The Ethical Slut, she said that she got the book because everything she found on the internet was garbage. Though she read about 10 pages out of the book and stopped and was done.

As for her moving out, she picked up a few things last night. That went terrible. I tried talking to her last night when she came home after we had been both been drinking heavily. She just kept telling me that I told her to get out and that's what she is doing. I told her let's talk about it first and go from there and in the process I got slapped upside the head, punched and kicked for standing in her to the bedroom. My fault for trying to stop her from going in but she shuts down and won't listen when she gets angry. I never touched or did anything physical I just kept begging her to stop when she started hitting me. I'm at work for most of the day today and she's off all day. There is this app on our phones were you can check in at different locations for points and see where your friends are checking into. She isn't checking in but he is. I'm sure they are together and the last place they were was at lunch just an hour ago after getting coffee. So after that they may be going back to our place and clearing it out. I guess I will find out when I get off work tonight and go home ...

nycindie 03-23-2012 07:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by matellas (Post 130109)
...I really didn't think I would be able to do this.

...I was against it with him. It's that with someone who she has been sharing an open honest relationship was him and not me. I confirmed that last night when the three of us were at the bar and I ended up looking through her text messages from him. She had been promising me that he was unaware of her feelings and that nothing had nor would take place until her and I could take the time to research together and talk and build a stronger communication/relationship between us. In her texts there were messages about how much he wanted to hold her again and touch etc.

I left the bar after confronting her and him about it and went home. She showed up some time later to pack some of her clothes and go stay with him. I asked her about why she hadn't been honest about what was in her texts before and she told me that she didn't think I could handle it. She was right, to a point. I couldn't handle the thought of knowing what's going on feelling like it was behind my back but I could handle the brutal honesty and at least feel like we could have a chance to be on the same page together.

Oh that sucks! All this bullshit she was handing you, while she had already cheated and betrayed you!

See what putting people on a pedestal will get you? :(

She sounds very selfish and like someone who only wants what she wants and is unable to see that there are other things in this world that are more important than getting her way. I feel sorry for her.

You will be okay. I hope you are able to take care of yourself and your kids, and move on. She sounds like the only thing she can offer you is drama and pain.

matellas 03-23-2012 08:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 130122)
Oh that sucks! All this bullshit she was handing you, while she had already cheated and betrayed you!

See what putting people on a pedestal will get you? :(

She sounds very selfish and like someone who only wants what she wants and is unable to see that there are other things in this world that are more important than getting her way. I feel sorry for her.

You will be okay. I hope you are able to take care of yourself and your kids, and move on. She sounds like the only thing she can offer you is drama and pain.

Thank you for your words. She is someone who honestly can be a little selfish but can be the sweetest person in the world also. At this point I wish her the best and hope all works out for her. Pedestals are something that people can fall from and she actually told me to take her down from hers a long time ago.

My kids are the most important thing to me. The other effect in all of this is that the kids look to her as their mom since my ex wife is not really a mother to them.


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