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-   -   Let's talk fears and stuff (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=89673)

BathedInSalt 06-28-2017 06:49 PM

Let's talk fears and stuff
 
I'm afraid I'm going to ruin my marriage, even if that's not based in truth it's my fear.
I'm afraid that we won't end up being compatible b/c of this, like it's too big of a difference.
I have no intention of leaving my husband, but I do wonder/worry if I will end up having to practice a mono life with him in order to stay in life with him and if that will cause me to act out or be depressed.
Knowing how much this has already affected me would help and I'm trying to assess that now. I think I've always been poly, that's what I assessed from reflecting on my relationship patterns, desires (acted out or not), and fantasies. I know that I no longer have to feel bad or guilty about feelings I have. I trust they come from a good place and not a place meant to harm anyone. I feel like I can breathe easier in a sense. I know that in the past having feelings that didn't match up with a mono lifestyle made me feel like a shitty human being. I read somewhere the term poly-in-theory and that's what it feels like my husband is. He gets it intellectually, but I don't know that he'll ever let me practice it. That's a fear.
I do have a current interest. The serious feelings I have for him is what sparked this self reflection anyways. I understand this complicates things. It's my situation though. I haven't talked to my interest about me being poly yet. He knows I'm married, we know we dig each other a lot, we know we like spending time together, that we feel better when we are around each other, all the good fun (NRE) stuff, and we have a no sex boundary (we came up with this boundary for different reasons). I'm afraid that I will breach the subject and he will not be down and we won't even get to be friends. I'm afraid that he will be down and then I'll be bothered (squirked? squinked?) when he has another partner. I really want to be so cool about sharing, but it's something I won't know until it happens and then I get to deal with it. I know I'm getting ahead of myself too.
It's all brand new, it's so much stuff and I just want to talk it all to death. Any takers?

minnegander 06-29-2017 01:50 AM

Have you talked to your husband about the fears you are having? I've found that the only way to quench fear is to take fear head-on.

BathedInSalt 06-29-2017 03:22 AM

I guess, no. I haven't head on talked about all my fears with him.
Some, but not all.

um....it's scary...

dingedheart 06-29-2017 07:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LLY54ILY2 (Post 362175)
I'm afraid I'm going to ruin my marriage, even if that's not based in truth it's my fear.
I'm afraid that we won't end up being compatible b/c of this, like it's too big of a difference.
I have no intention of leaving my husband, but I do wonder/worry if I will end up having to practice a mono life with him in order to stay in life with him and if that will cause me to act out or be depressed.

I suggest you read as many threads or different poly forums as you can because it's very possible that this journey could ruin your marriage.

And yes the number 1 towel throwing issue is compatibility on relationship dynamic. Poly vs mono.

Quote:

I think I've always been poly, that's what I assessed from reflecting on my relationship patterns, desires (acted out or not), and fantasies. I know that I no longer have to feel bad or guilty about feelings I have. I trust they come from a good place and not a place meant to harm anyone. I feel like I can breathe easier in a sense.
I really think this should make things much easier and you will feel more confident in you decisions and actions going forward. Be true to yourself.

Quote:

I read somewhere the term poly-in-theory and that's what it feels like my husband is. He gets it intellectually, but I don't know that he'll ever let me practice it. That's a fear.
How long have you been married and how long have you kicked around opening up your marriage ?

And has he stated he's firmly mono ?

Quote:

I do have a current interest. The serious feelings I have for him is what sparked this self reflection anyways. I understand this complicates things. It's my situation though. I haven't talked to my interest about me being poly yet. He knows I'm married, we know we dig each other a lot, we know we like spending time together, that we feel better when we are around each other, all the good fun (NRE) stuff, and we have a no sex boundary (we came up with this boundary for different reasons). I'm afraid that I will breach the subject and he will not be down and we won't even get to be friends. I'm afraid that he will be down and then I'll be bothered (squirked? squinked?) when he has another partner. I really want to be so cool about sharing, but it's something I won't know until it happens and then I get to deal with it. I know I'm getting ahead of myself too.
It's all brand new, it's so much stuff and I just want to talk it all to death. Any takers?
Who came up with the no sex boundary and what were the different reasons?

I think putting yourself in hot and heavy situations is a recipe for boundary failure and then things spiral pretty badly. To me allowing everything just short of PIV sex seems really silly/ stupid and an excerise in some weird form of denial.

BathedInSalt 06-29-2017 12:35 PM

Thankyou for taking the time to read my post and ask questions. It's the questioning that will help me the most I think.
Yes, I've been reading a lot. Appreciating the search feature. Also reading other sites, listening to podcasts and talking to poly friends. I'm also sharing links with my husband. He's open to learn at the very least. I'm not afraid of my marriage changing, but ruined is another story.

Is that a true statistic? #1 is dynamic incompatibility? I have a lot of hope here, because my husband and I are reasonable people. I don't know what the situation will look like a year from now, or 16 years from now when the kids are out of the house. I imagine different stages in our lives will allow us the opportunity for different dynamics between us.

Being sure that I've always been this way and reading things that resonate with me does help. I know what it feels like to be on my right path and that's what this feels like. The benefit of that "I can breathe easier" feeling has already affected my attitude and spills over into other areas and interactions. I wonder what it would look like if at the end of the day I am left unsatisfied with my life. I wonder how much I'd sacrifice for my husband without resentment. I've been wanting to really look into resentment, the idea of it, how it expresses itself. I'm afraid of the me I'll be, my actions and mental state if I don't see this through at some point. I have time to figure this out and we're moving at my husband's pace.
I've been married for 7 years. Since our the first date where we met my friends he has been aware of the intimate relationship I had with a woman. I continued that relationship sexually and emotionally for the next 5 years. Her and I ended our sexual relationship about 2 years ago because of her husband mostly, there were other reasons as well. Her and I are still best friends, she's still part of my family in a very real way. In the way I see described in poly literature. After she and I ended our sexual relationship I had several discussions wit my husband about me having a girlfriend and he was ok with it. After we talked it out, it nerve came up again. It was like he and I accepted me, loved me and that's all I have needed so far. At that time we didn't call it poly, I didn't do any research. I had no idea how to breech the subject with potential girlfriend. I could only see any relationship I started ending in pain. I didn't even think that someone may not want to be a primary couple, or married with kids eventually, or that they would want more of my time then I could offer. I have logistical priorities. Like we all seem to (kids, jobs, etc.) I hadn't opened up my thinking. Probably because I didn't really realize what I was thinking/feeling. I was falling "victim" to my upbringing, my socialization.

The idea of poly came up to me as a passing thought for the past few years. The idea really stuck with me just recently, like in the last 2 months. I've only brought it up to mu husband within the last two weeks. This is brand brand new.
Only after our first talk did he say he was mono, that he didn't have these inclinations to love more than one person at a time. Since then when we talk I kinda get him to role-play. We discuss "what if you wanted a girlfriend?" We put ourselves in one another's shoes. He says logistical things like not having time for another person. His heart doesn't seem motivated to nurture another loving relationship, not like mine.

The no sex boundary. My husband told me "don't put yourself in situations where you will fuck". My interest told me "as long as you are actively married we shouldn't have sex". I will most certainly fail in hot and heavy situations. I already have strong emotions towards my interest. More than half of our interactions have been above board and I find that hopeful. Like practice avoiding hot and heavy. I didn't have a lot of say in this no sex boundary, but I respect it out of genuine care for both parties. It's not a bad idea anyways to develop foundations in a new relationship before adding sex.
It's funny that you mention PIV, because I could totally see that being my husband's boundary. He would be the first to tell you how arbitrary that is and I would be the first to cross it in the heat. It just would not work. My husband and I just talked last night about how if I was ok with him having sex with other people that I wouldn't tell him what kind of sex he's allowed to have short of safety regulations and not getting anyone pregnant. There are other things I can think of now that I am thinking, like boundaries that protect our current children and maintaining some kind of sanctity of our marriage bed (maybe? that implies my way if thinking hasn't been completely expand yet I think).
Ideally I would want any future relationships to be able to develop as they would, at their own paces, as naturally as they will. I wasn't actively seeking this interest, the universe spat him in front of me. He stole my breath away.

dingedheart 06-29-2017 04:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LLY54ILY2 (Post 362258)
Thankyou for taking the time to read my post and ask questions. It's the questioning that will help me the most I think.
Yes, I've been reading a lot. Appreciating the search feature. Also reading other sites, listening to podcasts and talking to poly friends. I'm also sharing links with my husband. He's open to learn at the very least. I'm not afraid of my marriage changing, but ruined is another story.

You're very welcome glad to help :D

I appaud you on the extensive reading and that should illuminate the steep hill that you're about the climb. Yes there are a lot of couples that don't make it however there are success stories too. Personally i think it comes down to personality and the inner workings of the marriage or partnership. Clearly you're not afraid of changing you're marriage because you're the one pushing for it :D:D.

Quote:

Is that a true statistic? #1 is dynamic incompatibility? I have a lot of hope here, because my husband and I are reasonable people. I don't know what the situation will look like a year from now, or 16 years from now when the kids are out of the house. I imagine different stages in our lives will allow us the opportunity for different dynamics between us.
I think in the poly mono dynamic where someone is miserable living under the others preferred mode usually ends with seeing the incompatibility.


Quote:

Being sure that I've always been this way and reading things that resonate with me does help. I know what it feels like to be on my right path and that's what this feels like. The benefit of that "I can breathe easier" feeling has already affected my attitude and spills over into other areas and interactions. I wonder what it would look like if at the end of the day I am left unsatisfied with my life. I wonder how much I'd sacrifice for my husband without resentment. I've been wanting to really look into resentment, the idea of it, how it expresses itself. I'm afraid of the me I'll be, my actions and mental state if I don't see this through at some point.
This whole process of self discovery might bring about profound change in you and thus will cause profound change in the relationship. So might call this growing apart.

Quote:

I've been married for 7 years. Since our the first date where we met my friends he has been aware of the intimate relationship I had with a woman. I continued that relationship sexually and emotionally for the next 5 years. Her and I ended our sexual relationship about 2 years ago because of her husband mostly, there were other reasons as well. Her and I are still best friends, she's still part of my family in a very real way. In the way I see described in poly literature. After she and I ended our sexual relationship I had several discussions wit my husband about me having a girlfriend and he was ok with it. After we talked it out, it nerve came up again. It was like he and I accepted me, loved me and that's all I have needed so far. At that time we didn't call it poly, I didn't do any research.
More good news. You're been doing poly 5 of the 7 yrs of your marriage and your husband was fine with it. Now to push to remove the OPP. I'm not sure of the conversion rate on that. Again it might come down to personality.


Quote:

The idea of poly came up to me as a passing thought for the past few years. The idea really stuck with me just recently, like in the last 2 months. I've only brought it up to mu husband within the last two weeks. This is brand brand new.
Only after our first talk did he say he was mono, that he didn't have these inclinations to love more than one person at a time. Since then when we talk I kinda get him to role-play. We discuss "what if you wanted a girlfriend?" We put ourselves in one another's shoes. He says logistical things like not having time for another person. His heart doesn't seem motivated to nurture another loving relationship, not like mine.
I thought the exact same thing when I was approached. Mostly just the time part because of my schedule.

Quote:

The no sex boundary. My husband told me "don't put yourself in situations where you will fuck". My interest told me "as long as you are actively married we shouldn't have sex". I will most certainly fail in hot and heavy situations. I already have strong emotions towards my interest. More than half of our interactions have been above board and I find that hopeful. Like practice avoiding hot and heavy. I didn't have a lot of say in this no sex boundary, but I respect it out of genuine care for both parties. It's not a bad idea anyways to develop foundations in a new relationship before adding sex.
So the other 1/2 that are below board are everything short of PIV sex ??

Quote:

It's funny that you mention PIV, because I could totally see that being my husband's boundary. He would be the first to tell you how arbitrary that is and I would be the first to cross it in the heat. It just would not work. My husband and I just talked last night about how if I was ok with him having sex with other people that I wouldn't tell him what kind of sex he's allowed to have short of safety regulations and not getting anyone pregnant. There are other things I can think of now that I am thinking, like boundaries that protect our current children and maintaining some kind of sanctity of our marriage bed (maybe? that implies my way if thinking hasn't been completely expand yet I think).
Ideally I would want any future relationships to be able to develop as they would, at their own paces, as naturally as they will. I wasn't actively seeking this interest, the universe spat him in front of me. He stole my breath away.

At least everyone knows the areas to work on. IMO it seems crazy to think it's ok for this guy to have his mouth or fingers all over said partner but the line is a penis. I think that a specific sex act or the sanctity of the marriage " bed " is an attempt to manufacture / replace / hang on to "special" . Or it's a matter of denial from a distance. Also by restricting a specific sex act IMO you've elevated it and drawn attention to it and again set yourself up for failure.

Good luck.

BathedInSalt 06-29-2017 05:07 PM

Sorry, OPP? other people's privates?

"So the other 1/2 that are below board are everything short of PIV sex ??"
No, that's not what I meant to imply.

"I think that or a specific sex act or the sanctity of the marriage " bed " it's an attempt to manufacture / replace / hang on to special. Or it's a matter of denial from a distance. "
Yeah, as soon as I thought it the idea struck me as not quite right. I'm very much trying to determine my feelings about these ideas, dynamics, logistics, all the stuff. I'm wanting to look as closely to my knee jerk reactions for real reasons for those reactions. Hoping my husband will do the same.

dingedheart 06-29-2017 06:37 PM

OPP = one penis policy :D


Hey if making a " special" things list or " special" acts list helps everyone get through the day then I say do it. I just think examining the reasoning / logic behind it.


I think you're very wise to look at knee jerk reactions to find there basis however sometimes it's simply going to come down to preference and wanting it or things the way you or he wants them.

Is your husband a member of the forum ?

breathemusic 06-29-2017 07:53 PM

OPP is One Penis Policy. It is often used when a male partner is ok with his female partner dating a woman, but not a man. This is even worse when he's allowed to date women, because it means he's ok with him dating the opposite gender, but not his partner dating the opposite gender. aka. his penis is the only penis that's ok in the poly dynamic. Usually this is based on insecurity and fear that the other penis will be "better" where as vagina is a whole different ball-game, so not thought of as competition.


In your case, it seems less about your husband not being ok with another penis in the equation, and more like he's just not ok with sex outside of the marriage in general. Which to me, is the same thing as saying he's not ok with a relationship outside of the marriage (unless you guys were both asexual, which you're not). Having a relationship usually means having sex, so this is his way of controlling the relationship. To me, it says he's not comfortable with poly at all.

dingedheart 06-29-2017 10:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by breathemusic (Post 362331)
In your case, it seems less about your husband not being ok with another penis in the equation, and more like he's just not ok with sex outside of the marriage in general. Which to me, is the same thing as saying he's not ok with a relationship outside of the marriage (unless you guys were both asexual, which you're not). Having a relationship usually means having sex, so this is his way of controlling the relationship. To me, it says he's not comfortable with poly at all.

I'm confused I thought a 5 yr sexual relationship with a women that ended by the other husband would count for something.


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