Keepinghidden
New member
Hi all, I'm an occasional lurker and was an occasional poster. I decided to setup a new account as I would rather my girlfriend didn't spot that I'm seeking advice on here.
There are PLENTY of threads on here labelled "how should I deal with jealousy?" but that's not what I'm after. I'm looking for how I can gently get a partner to realise that their jealous behaviour is hurting me and for her to make an aim towards altering that behaviour. I am also NOT looking to break up with her, push her away, pile blame on her or change her. Only she can change, but how do I make her want to?
We started dating last summer, first poly relationship for both of us and we were both already dating others at the time. Both our other relationships were long distance and we tried to avoid any kind of hierarchical system. Essentially we kind of treat ourselves as primaries and spend most of our time together but when things have got heated in the past she's thrown it down that I'm nothing but a bit on the side... that hurt. Especially since outside of arguments she says she wants me to be a meaningful part of her life.
So my other relationship broke down for unrelated issues - she was never jealous of this other girl. I think it was a case of out of sight, out of mind. Or maybe a case of she was there first what right do I have to tell her to go away?
Ever since then she has become VERY jealous of every girl I have come close to wanting to go on a date with. Each and every time she has a reason why I can't. Each and every reason is different and she always denies that each one has anything to do with jealousy. She's also talked to me before about her other partner getting close to someone else and has had similar reactions.
I've always brought it up with her before going on a date with anyone because I want to be honest. I want to share things with this girl who I love, not hide them. She's also told me before now that if she thought I was ever hiding something she couldn't cope with it so "don't ask, don't tell" isn't a solution. Not that I would ever call it a healthy solution anyway.
She flatly denies that she has a veto power and doesn't want to introduce one. However in the past when I have brought up the subject of me dating someone else she has a reason why it would impact our relationship, why it would cause her hurt and why I can't do it. If I were to go ahead with it then we would be over. THIS IS A VETO. However you look at it, this is a veto.
She also has a problem with who I date and how we date. Essentially she doesn't want me to date anyone in her social network; this means not dating anyone on the poly/kink scene or dating someone outside of my city, it also means not introducing any partner to that scene or friends within that scene. That makes it a logistical nightmare - that is my natural dating pool and my instinct if I dated someone outside of that pool would be to allow them a window into it.
It also strikes me as odd - dating someone who knows her means they are likely to have her best interests at heart? I get on well with my metamour and would like anyone I date to respect my other partners; if that respect is already there then that's a bonus. It also seems odd that she would not want me to date within the poly community - dating someone who is monogamous means there is more risk of them *trying* to steal me away. I wouldn't *let* it happen either way, but if someone was manipulatively minded enough then they could attempt to cause problems in a partners relationships - I'm sure this happens every now and then right?
I'm not going to pretend I haven't been jealous before, but I found ways of coping with it; namely I remind myself how happy her other relationship makes her and how happy she is that she has us both. I remind myself of the love rather than the sex
Other than that my only rules for her are that I want to know who, where and when. For instance "_____ and I went to the theatre on Sunday". I don't want to know what, how or why. "we held hands all the way through, when I put me head on his shoulder his beard felt all tickly - I love that about him". My only other rule is no oral sex unless she's in love with the other person, if she's in love then frankly it's none of my business what they get up to.
So back OT - How do I gently let her see that what she has been attempting to enforce is a veto? How do I get her to see that what she is doing is relating to jealousy? How do I get her to see that her approach to my relationships is unfair?
I'm keen to be very patient on this. There's no rush. We're both still quite new to this lifestyle and we're both still in our mid twenties so plenty of time for growing up yet.
Although I have kinda ended up having some really fun fantasies about her best mate the last few nights. She's a great girl and I'd love to get to know her more, but that breaks just about every rule and reason she's given simultaneously!! It's a shame because the fantasy yesterday involved all 4 of us living together and she would definitely have her best interests at heart. It was a nice little arrangement
There are PLENTY of threads on here labelled "how should I deal with jealousy?" but that's not what I'm after. I'm looking for how I can gently get a partner to realise that their jealous behaviour is hurting me and for her to make an aim towards altering that behaviour. I am also NOT looking to break up with her, push her away, pile blame on her or change her. Only she can change, but how do I make her want to?
We started dating last summer, first poly relationship for both of us and we were both already dating others at the time. Both our other relationships were long distance and we tried to avoid any kind of hierarchical system. Essentially we kind of treat ourselves as primaries and spend most of our time together but when things have got heated in the past she's thrown it down that I'm nothing but a bit on the side... that hurt. Especially since outside of arguments she says she wants me to be a meaningful part of her life.
So my other relationship broke down for unrelated issues - she was never jealous of this other girl. I think it was a case of out of sight, out of mind. Or maybe a case of she was there first what right do I have to tell her to go away?
Ever since then she has become VERY jealous of every girl I have come close to wanting to go on a date with. Each and every time she has a reason why I can't. Each and every reason is different and she always denies that each one has anything to do with jealousy. She's also talked to me before about her other partner getting close to someone else and has had similar reactions.
I've always brought it up with her before going on a date with anyone because I want to be honest. I want to share things with this girl who I love, not hide them. She's also told me before now that if she thought I was ever hiding something she couldn't cope with it so "don't ask, don't tell" isn't a solution. Not that I would ever call it a healthy solution anyway.
She flatly denies that she has a veto power and doesn't want to introduce one. However in the past when I have brought up the subject of me dating someone else she has a reason why it would impact our relationship, why it would cause her hurt and why I can't do it. If I were to go ahead with it then we would be over. THIS IS A VETO. However you look at it, this is a veto.
She also has a problem with who I date and how we date. Essentially she doesn't want me to date anyone in her social network; this means not dating anyone on the poly/kink scene or dating someone outside of my city, it also means not introducing any partner to that scene or friends within that scene. That makes it a logistical nightmare - that is my natural dating pool and my instinct if I dated someone outside of that pool would be to allow them a window into it.
It also strikes me as odd - dating someone who knows her means they are likely to have her best interests at heart? I get on well with my metamour and would like anyone I date to respect my other partners; if that respect is already there then that's a bonus. It also seems odd that she would not want me to date within the poly community - dating someone who is monogamous means there is more risk of them *trying* to steal me away. I wouldn't *let* it happen either way, but if someone was manipulatively minded enough then they could attempt to cause problems in a partners relationships - I'm sure this happens every now and then right?
I'm not going to pretend I haven't been jealous before, but I found ways of coping with it; namely I remind myself how happy her other relationship makes her and how happy she is that she has us both. I remind myself of the love rather than the sex
Other than that my only rules for her are that I want to know who, where and when. For instance "_____ and I went to the theatre on Sunday". I don't want to know what, how or why. "we held hands all the way through, when I put me head on his shoulder his beard felt all tickly - I love that about him". My only other rule is no oral sex unless she's in love with the other person, if she's in love then frankly it's none of my business what they get up to.
So back OT - How do I gently let her see that what she has been attempting to enforce is a veto? How do I get her to see that what she is doing is relating to jealousy? How do I get her to see that her approach to my relationships is unfair?
I'm keen to be very patient on this. There's no rush. We're both still quite new to this lifestyle and we're both still in our mid twenties so plenty of time for growing up yet.
Although I have kinda ended up having some really fun fantasies about her best mate the last few nights. She's a great girl and I'd love to get to know her more, but that breaks just about every rule and reason she's given simultaneously!! It's a shame because the fantasy yesterday involved all 4 of us living together and she would definitely have her best interests at heart. It was a nice little arrangement
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