Can one have a 'primary' partner for whom they are not 'primary'?

rolypoly

New member
Something that's come up a couple times and is resurfacing again.

Having a partner in your life who for you is "primary", whatever that means for you. But, you don't have as much "importance" for them. I don't know how else to phrase it.

Just thinking out loud, really.

roly
 
Yep, it happens. I know a few people in that situation. It's also a situation that can work for some.
 
The question is whether the needs of each partner are being met. If everyone's needs are being fulfilled, there's no problem and "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."
 
Thanks. I know it's possible and can work. Just haven't yet experienced it fully. I spent the night with 'R' last night and realize how much I love him. He cares about me too, but it's a bit complicated. He is bi, but has relationships primarily with men. We have a strong connection and I'm thinking it has meaning for me that's different than for him. I'm pretty happy being in his life in whatever capacity. The fear is, of course, what if he fell in love with a man. It would change our relationship, etc, etc... The usual poly stuff. ;)

Just amazes me how love can be just love. How loving someone can be so fulfilling in and of itself.
 
I like to think of it that way too roly, love can be just love and it can be fulfilling just to love.
I do this readily regardless if someone loves me back even a titch. I totally think they can be a primary even if you are not theirs. As long as you don't have expectations that you receive that title in return and keep yourself from being used or hurt because of it, then why not. There is nothing I like more than bestowing love on people without them knowing. Unfortunately I have been used for this trait and have to be very clear that I bestow love on my own terms, rather than theirs. It can get complicated but can be so fullfilling, as you say. I don't regret giving of myself in loving ways for one moment, regardless of the pain I have had in my life.
 
Ceoli, thanks for the link. Good read.

RP, I thought after I wrote all that, of course, you and Mono have a similar situation. I mean, you're married and he's monogamous with you. His needs seem to be met so...

As long as you don't have expectations that you receive that title in return and keep yourself from being used or hurt because of it, then why not.

I definitely don't have expectations and he meets so many of my needs. The more I explore what's going on for me, I am realizing that it has absolutely nothing to do with him or the nature of our relationship. Old wounds are resurfacing and bringing a lot of sadness.

Not sure where to put the sadness or what else to do other than just recognize it's there. I need to reread that thread that River posted. ;)

...I feel like Dora Carrington and her love for Lytton Strachey. Carrington, very good movie.
 
Last edited:
Awww!



RP, do you ever feel negative emotions from loving someone who only loves you a titch back? (Guilty, sheepish, silly, invasive...)??

No I don't actually, I'm not a negative person in general really and I find that if I were to experience negative emotions because I am not getting anything in return I would really have to look at what the purpose is for my being there. That purpose doesn't have to come in the form of receiving love back. It could be any number of things... if I wanted it to be love, then I would have to look at whether or not the situation is healthy for me to be in.

I am proud that I can give without receiving directly. It gets returned to me ten fold in so many ways... I really see it as a gift to ME to love someone because of this. I have seen how it softens people in ways that I never expected and that is a big gift to everyone, not just them or me... love really does change how people think and act in the world...

Maybe I learned it from my work with people with developmental disabilities as I see it as my job to love them, take care of their needs, advocate for them and treat them with dignity and respect. That kind of giving has huge returns in the most pure, uncluttered form... there is nothing like a hug from someone with downs (for example) to know what pure, trusting love is. I could go on all day with examples from my work. I have really learned everything I needed to know from my clients in terms of trusting "individuals," not "people" in general.

Each person is different and should be trusted from day one... that trust can be broken, sure, but more often than not at this age and stage in my life, the people I met (also in my cohort) have been through stuff and know the value of trust. It really seems that I offer them a clean slate when I trusted them. One that they can then put value on using the wisdom they have learned along the way.... that trust generally seems to be respected much more than it ever did when I was young and my cohort was just starting out with the trust thing. More often than not they cherish it and use it to heal when they do everything not to break it...

Love and trust seem to go hand in hand it seems... we trust others to take care of us in our vulnerable state of loving them.. I can totally see how old wounds would resurface and old sadness. I hope that this person is worthy of your trust and takes care of your heart roly... perhaps telling him all this might help. If it doesn't fit to trust him that much then perhaps your sadness is due to the fact that he is not the right one to direct your love to in the depth that you want to give... no harm in that, it just means that you will need to make sure you are free enough to be able to give to the next person who perhaps could take care of your heart as it should be and needs to be.
 
I were to experience negative emotions because I am not getting anything in return I would really have to look at what the purpose is for my being there

I hear what you're saying. I was thinking more along the lines of others being uncomfortable because they don't want to receive love from someone they don't love back the same way...

It gets returned to me ten fold in so many ways...

That's wonderful! And yes, it does get returned in other ways, doesn't it. Hmm, maybe there's a broader way to look at how this can all fit together in one's life. A loves B who loves C who loves A... everyone is giving and receiving love in their own capacity. Nice way to look at it.

I've worked with the developmentally disabled also and I know exactly what you mean. It's actually been a bit scary for me to feel so much love from someone with Down's and realize there are still parts of me that are afraid to be loved. Phew. Wonderful that you do this RP! You seem like a neat lady.

I hope that this person is worthy of your trust and takes care of your heart roly... perhaps telling him all this might help. If it doesn't fit to trust him that much then perhaps your sadness is due to the fact that he is not the right one to direct your love to in the depth that you want to give...

We're still getting to know each other and going slowly, but so far, he definitely seems like he is worthy of my trust. He is forthcoming about things personal to him. He shares his feelings when he knows what they are. He allows me to feel what I feel, doesn't label or judge, just smiles. He shows care about my well-being. He makes sure to accommodate my allergies, makes sure I'm comfortable, etc. I've told him most of what I feel, but the time we spend together feels pretty intense, so I want to give space for things to evolve in their own way.

The sadness I feel, I'm pretty sure, has 100% to do with triggers from childhood. Loving a dad who was never there and pushed me away. Crying myself to sleep because I wanted daddy. That sort of thing. Being close to someone often brings this up for me. Sometimes, people associate pain with love because that's what their experiences with love have been. I also lost my mother not that long ago, so love brings a lot of sadness with it for me...

Thanks for helping me externalize this. :)
 
I'm in a complicated relationship that fits here. I am the secondary to the one I am primary. And I am primary to the one who is my secondary. It all seems kind of backwards, and if I let myself think about it, it kinda makes my head spin. But it works this way, and I know it could only work this way bc of the personalities of the ppl involved. We actually tried it the other way in the begining and it just didn't work. I ended up ending it with the now secondary guy but after a couple of months and much discussion we worked it out this way. And it has been good since. Its all about balance.
 
Balance is best achieved when there's good communication. This made me think of a friend of mine who was in a primary partnership for six years and the last couple of years were fraught with lots of drama and hurt. They still very much loved each other but it was also pretty clear that things weren't working. But instead of breaking up, they allowed their partnership evolve to a more secondary kind. They had been living together. He moved out and got his own place and they continued seeing and loving each other, but with the understanding that their relationship was no longer about living together and all of the other pieces that go with it. It was a bit of a bittersweet transition for them. They definitely had pieces of their relationship that they mourned, but they still had each other and they were able to let a lot of that pain and drama go.

I always think that a great deal of our pain comes from clinging to how we *think* things should be instead of letting go and allowing things to be the way they should be.
 
I always think that a great deal of our pain comes from clinging to how we *think* things should be instead of letting go and allowing things to be the way they should be.

I love that, I think you are exactly right. We are taught from the time we are little about what the "norm" should be but thats not what works for everybody.
 
I always think that a great deal of our pain comes from clinging to how we *think* things should be instead of letting go and allowing things to be the way they should be.

Well said Ceoli! We should all be following our hearts rather than what we are told is our hearts.
 
bookworm, I'm curious to know what specifically changed within your relationships when you changed who was primary/secondary?

Amount of time spent together? How much/whether or not you say I love you? Living arrangements? Talk of children? ??
 
What a great story! I once suggested to a now ex that instead of breaking up, we become secondary, but it didn't work in our case. Nice to know it has for others.

I'm wondering what exactly defines a relationship. What makes a relationship primary?

I think I need to start another thread.....
 
I feel O is primary bc I base my schedule around when I am able to spend time with him. I actually spend more time with K, i don't really know how to explain it. I'm not able to have kids, so it has nothing to do with that. I love them both, and I love them differently, but O just comes first.
 
Back
Top