Text Message: "I'm Poly..." WTF?!?!?!

newguy

New member
Hello all,

PolyKat (PK) informed me of her feelings of being Poly through text message…yes, I know this happened a while ago but I have just had time to think about it and reflect on how fucked-up of a way to find this out. I did think (at that time) that it was an untimely notification but since coming to grips with it I realize that I feel that her timing was terrible and her method of notification (and the way she even approached it) was fucked up…

BACKGROUND…BK is away on business, she left in October not to return until April. I visited her in December (left her on the 30th). Prior to my visit, she almost fucked (flirted with fucking) another dude (not love, lust). We argued and got through it the situation. PK has always told me (we have been together for over 3 years) that I could have a girlfriend. She especially wanted me to get one to ‘replace’ her (sexually) while she was away on business. All of which, I declined because I felt that it would be unfair for me to be having sex and her not being able to do the same (hence the reason I was upset at the above ‘almost’). Also, in my mind I felt her offer was her way to eventually have another man…I told her (several time over the past 3 years) about my feelings and she assured me that she didn’t want another man…she only wanted me happy. Her ideal situation (at that time) was for me to have a live-in girlfriend to help her out with my sexual appetite.

Now, here is our text conversation (as I remember it) from 7 January…8 days after I left her:

PK: Hey my love…I need you to do me a favor
ME: Anything for you my love…what you need
PK: I need you to be with another woman…but not just sex, I want you to have a relationship with her
ME: What are you talking about???
PK: It’s not for you, I need to figure out some things about me and this will help
ME: Ok…but how will me fucking someone else help you figure out some things about you?
PK: Not just FUCK…but a real relationship with her knowing about me and when I return we can all do things together…polymarous.com (NOTE: this is not the right website, but it wasn’t this one either)…go there and you will see what I’m talking about
ME: I’m on my phone…not searching a website now…just tell me
PK: I want you to love another woman like you love me and we all be good together
ME: What happens when if I fall for this other woman and you are replaced?...just a fuck, I can do but the love/relationship not sure if I can maintain 2 of them
PK: I just need you to try this, please…I’m not worried about you falling out of love with me
ME: Ok…what is this REALLY about…the whole “I just want to see if I can handle it” don’t fly with me

NOTE: We went on for 30-45 minutes on what was really going on and finally I got this

PK: I want you to do this to see if you can like the polymarous lifestyle…and if you do, then you will let me try
ME: So you still trying to fuck another dude?...NOPE, I’m not with this at all
PK: I don’t want to fuck some random dude, I want a relationship with him
ME: does this ‘relationship’ involve sex?
PK: It may after a while, but not at first
ME: Then…HELL NAWL…it’s either me or him or them…NOT me and any other man…

Anyway, this is how I found out about PK being poly…as you already know, I’m not poly…I’m (what I describe as) Mono- Swinger-Alpha in a Poly-Supportive role…meaning, MONO, I don’t think that I can have another ‘relationship; Swinger, I can have (unemotional) sex with another; Alpha, I need to be the only male (can’t wait to hear how wrong I am for this one); Poly-Supportive, PK can have other (sexual) relationships with women only...correction long term, romantic, sexual relationships with women only (KM34 thanks for the pointing this out).

So my two questions (other than WTF) are:

1) What is your opinion on the method of how I found out and what how would you felt if you found out this way?

2) How did you tell (or how were you told) your partner/spouse about poly...meaning face-to-face, planned dinner, surprise poly-party, ect?

Thanks again for reading my novel.

NEWGUY
 
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MONO, I don’t think that I can have another ‘relationship;

Ok.

Swinger, I can have (unemotional) sex with another;

Ok.

Alpha, I need to be the only male (can’t wait to hear how wrong I am for this one);

Ok, as long as she's okay with this. Not the way I'd do it, but to each his own. :)

Poly-Supportive, PK can have other (sexual) relationships with women only.

Not getting this one. How is it POLY-supportive if she is only allowed to have SEXUAL relationships? Poly isn't about sex. The swinging would be about sex. Being Poly-Supportive to me would be being okay with and supportive of her having other romantic, long term, emotional relationships with other women (still respecting your Alpha male deal).

So my two questions (other than WTF) are:

1) What is your opinion on the method of how I found out and what how would you felt if you found out this way?

2) How did you tell (or how were you told) your partner/spouse about poly...meaning face-to-face, planned dinner, surprise poly-party, ect?

1 - I think I would have been pissed. I know having difficult conversations is easier via text/email/IM, but it is a terrible way to have something dropped on you. I'm guilty of breaking news to people like this, too, so I'm not and couldn't pass judgment, but yeah. I don't blame you for being upset about it.

2 - I told my husband one night while we were lying in bed talking that I'd like him to look into polyamory. I told him I'd done some reading, and it was something I'd like to be able to discuss with him more in depth. So, it was face-to-face, not really planned but we always have our discussions on what's on our minds before we go to sleep so not really surprising that it came up then.
 
This sounds like its the means to an end.

Here's my new plan ....please do me this favor ??? follow my instructions so I can get this relationship I want going over here. In Text....WOW.

Did you give her a ring?
 
Whatever way you are happy living your relationship(s) is cool, as long as you ARE happy with them. I couldn't do the alpha thing, but to each their own.

In answer to your questions...
1) I think that's an unhelpful way to have that conversation. How she brought up the subject seemed to be dishonest (though I have sympathy with her - it's a seriously challenging subject to bring up, especially to a partner who isn't going to like it) and seriously, there are better ways than over text. Though again, it's a scary thing. Text makes it less scary. If I'd found out that way I'd have been...shocked and a bit pissed.

2) I told my (ex) partner about it face to face, over several years, in several conversations. We ended up splitting because (mainly) my need to be poly was incompatible with his need to be mono. Both of my partners knew about it before we started relationships. Not making that mistake again.
 
I am a visual word kind of person. There are things I can't say to my lovers face to face that I can get out just fine in writing. The thoughts are there, they just get lost on the way to my mouth. So I can sympathize with her wanting to write it out; but a text message is inappropriate and impersonal to me. Even over e-mail would have been better.
 
This sounds like its the means to an end.

Here's my new plan ....please do me this favor ??? follow my instructions so I can get this relationship I want going over here. In Text....WOW.

Did you give her a ring?

A. That's not what I was doing.
B. Yes I have a ring.
C. Not a means to an end.. it was an opening to a difficult conversation. Handled wrong? Yeah.. straightened out later... yeah, kinda.
 
Not getting this one. How is it POLY-supportive if she is only allowed to have SEXUAL relationships? Poly isn't about sex. The swinging would be about sex. Being Poly-Supportive to me would be being okay with and supportive of her having other romantic, long term, emotional relationships with other women (still respecting your Alpha male deal).

No...I apologize for the confusion...PK can have long term, emotional relationships with whomever she wants (male or female) but the romantic sexual aspect of relationships is what I was refering too in this statement...sorry for confusion.
 
I haven't read the other posts yet, only the first one. So I might be back after.

I'm not getting why telling you over text was so bad. So what? She had an oppotrunity, she took it and said what she had to say. If texting was how then so be it. I don't understand why people get hung up on "how" things are communicated so much and lose sight of thew fact that communication happened. Any kind of communication is a positive thing. The rest is semantics to me.

Ya, breaking up via text? Not a good idea. I just got dumped via email. It didn't make me feel like I was worth anything to the guy, but then again I don't think I was, lol. He wanted to meet after for coffee. I said no. Why? So he could tell me again in person?! YA! NO!

As to the rest? Trying out a poly lifestyle to see if it works is a REALLY bad idea. Either you are poly or you aren't. If you say you aren't and she says she is and you can't work out boundaries or even compromise on that then I would really be looking into whether or not this is going to be successful for the future.

People can't create polyamory in another and she seems to be trying to do that in order to justify her need for other loves. It doesn't work that way. You will have to come to that yourself. Its too bad she didn't tell her real truth and say that she wanted other men in her life and wanted you to have other women in order to justify her need for more. Meh, so be it. Now you know and have something to work with. Sometimes people take some time to get to where they can be honest for whatever reason and I think its important to let it go and work with the here and now and move forward knowing that they aren't always truthful with themselves or you. If that is the case then I would be asking some really tough questions in the future to get her to talk openly about what she needs before making decisions.

I would be asking lots of specific questions about how your life together would look to each other. I'd be patient, persistent with what I need as a mono, empathetic that she also has needs and supportive when she voices what she wants. I would use kind and encouraging words and ask for the same and start talking about your feelings, what would and would not work for you and remind her gently that you can take care of your own relationship life and that she will have to find alternative ways to see how she feels about poly that don't use you as the experiament.
....
More thoughts,

What is this alpha male "allowing" business? How are you "allowing" her to do stuff in her life or not. Are you her Dom? Is she submissive to you in a D/s relationship? If not, then in my opinion, she has chosen to respect your feelings and boundaries and decided that she doesn't want to hurt you by having sex with other men and put her feelings and needs aside in order to make you more comfortable. She has placed herself in the position of being uncomfortable to make you more comfortable. Very noble I think. Please, give her the respect she deserves by addressing this as such. The appropriate language would of been, "she has agreed to not have sex with other men as I am uncomfortable with that" (unless you are her Dom and then its up to the two of you to decide how she should be spoken to and about).

I think you could do with reading up on "mono/poly" relationships (try a tag search here). The two of you are speaking different languages. Its like you are from different cultures. I have been with my mono boyfriend for three years and when we need to approach this stuff we do so like we are from different countries trying to understand each others culture.

Would you speak to someone the same way if you were from the USA and they were from Japan? Unlikely. You both would be curious, wonder how each persons mind works, wonder how there are differences rather than assume you are the same, inflict those assumptions on one another and expect each other to react and behave in a certain way. Mono and Poly people are not the same. Check it out with an open mind and heart.
 
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As to the rest? Trying out a poly lifestyle to see if it works is a REALLY bad idea. Either you are poly or you aren't. If you say you aren't and she says she is and you can't work out boundaries or even compromise on that then I would really be looking into whether or not this is going to be successful for the future.

I don't quite agree with that. From personal experience, I believe that some are born poly and have a deep desire to live as such, whilst some can choose it. Myself and my boyfriend are very definitely in the first category. His wife, my girlfriend, agreed for me to be in his life, not wanting/anticipating a relationship beyond friendship for she and I. Months later, we're in a triad.
 
Answer to 1) I agree with redpepper. Why is it such a big deal that she used text messaging? Not everyone is good at vocalizing. I trip all over my words when I try to say thing orally, and sometimes end up phrasing things poorly, in a way that hurts someone's feelings but wasn't at all what I intended. Then it seems like I'm back peddling or lying or changing my story, when really I'm just trying to phrase it the way it is in my head.

I'm an INTJ. That means I can't always put my thoughts into words. For me, writing them down, editing, re-editing, and re-re-editing helps me get them in the form that most closely matches what I'm thinking. At that point, it's easier to give the written copy to the person than read it out loud or something.

She was probably scared to death to tell you. It's a big bomb to drop, and I'm guessing text message was the only way she could get up the courage to do it. It's better than not telling you at all...

Answer to 2) I told my now-husband the day we got involved. He had spent the night (cuddling) and by morning it was obvious that it was something special. I've always known I was poly, and it was very important to me that he know that, so I told him outright. It helped that I was in another semi-relationship, and so I knew I didn't want to just drop that guy to be with my now-husband.

But that's also something of a luxury by a lot of standards. Not everyone is born knowing that monogamy is never going to cut it for them. It took me years to learn there's actually a word for it.

Now what I think about the rest of it. First of all, this alpha stuff sounds possessive. Some girls think it's sexy when their boyfriends get jealous, like it's supposed to mean they care or some crap. I think it comes across more like "I think you're my property, and I'm going to decide what my property is allowed to do."

You don't sound supportive of poly at all. That's perfectly fine and acceptable. If you don't like the idea of poly, then just come out and say so, don't pussy foot around it and pretend to be something you're not. That's lying to yourself and to everyone involved with you.

I also don't like her motives for encouraging you to be with someone else. If she wants to have other boyfriends, that should be the focus of her discussions. She'd might as well say she wants you to get a tattoo so that she can get one. It makes no sense.
 
I don't quite agree with that. From personal experience, I believe that some are born poly and have a deep desire to live as such, whilst some can choose it. Myself and my boyfriend are very definitely in the first category. His wife, my girlfriend, agreed for me to be in his life, not wanting/anticipating a relationship beyond friendship for she and I. Months later, we're in a triad.
True enough, but he has said he is monogamous. As in, does not want other emotionally connected relationships. That isn't about poly dating or poly identity. He is not poly, period. At least that is what I am getting.

(I love it when people throw my theories back in my face. Wow, someone actually agreed with my theory about poly dating and poly identity somewhere along the line! Thanks for the feed back! Even if it was vicariously :D ;))
 
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Answer to 1) I agree with redpepper. Why is it such a big deal that she used text messaging? Not everyone is good at vocalizing. I trip all over my words when I try to say thing orally, and sometimes end up phrasing things poorly, in a way that hurts someone's feelings but wasn't at all what I intended. Then it seems like I'm back peddling or lying or changing my story, when really I'm just trying to phrase it the way it is in my head.

I'm an INTJ. That means I can't always put my thoughts into words. For me, writing them down, editing, re-editing, and re-re-editing helps me get them in the form that most closely matches what I'm thinking. At that point, it's easier to give the written copy to the person than read it out loud or something.

She was probably scared to death to tell you. It's a big bomb to drop, and I'm guessing text message was the only way she could get up the courage to do it. It's better than not telling you at all...

I agree, sometimes telling people things through text is the best way that they can do it.

First of all, this alpha stuff sounds possessive. Some girls think it's sexy when their boyfriends get jealous, like it's supposed to mean they care or some crap.

I think it means that they're afraid of losing their partner. Which would mean that they do care about their partner, but it also means that fear is involved; and fear can be the root of things like anger. Personally, I think I can feel jealousy somewhat, but when I feel it, I analyze it; I remember the last time I felt it with my (now ex) girlfriend; she was with a close friend and the way they were talking to each other looked so intimate, I felt a twinge of jealousy. During a conversation later, I told her of my twinge. Her previous boyfriend, who was monogamous, had forbidden her to associate much with this guy, and she asked me if I wanted her to do this. I said, no no, it was more that I was envious of what he had with you. I later learned that this guy had wanted to have a sexual relationship wth my girlfriend. I told my girlfriend that this was fine; he seemed like a decent enough fellow. However, she also told me that he had a girlfriend who was apparently monogamous, after which I agreed with her that helping him cheat would not be a good idea. For a while after that, I actually began to get along with this guy, which I thought was great. However, as my relationship with my girlfriend soured, so did my relationship with him; he was clearly more her friend then mine.

I think it comes across more like "I think you're my property, and I'm going to decide what my property is allowed to do."

Yeah.. ever since I became polyamorous about 16 years ago, I've never been a fan of banning a partner from being with someone else of either gender, with one condition; this other person has to have a relationship with me that's manageable. If we hate each other and we're in close enough proximity to each other that sparks start flying, I just don't think it's going to work out; at which point, I may (and have, in the past), asked a partner to not be with that person, atleast for a time, or not be with me for a time; the bottom line is that having a partner who's with someone you dislike has a tendency of drawing 2 people who dislike each other in close proximity and that frequently really isn't a good thing.

I also don't like her motives for encouraging you to be with someone else. If she wants to have other boyfriends, that should be the focus of her discussions. She'd might as well say she wants you to get a tattoo so that she can get one. It makes no sense.

It does, if she wants him to have someone else to be with while she's away with someone else. It could be seen as caring for how he's doing.
 
First, I know sometimes writing is easier. For me, part of my issues are that I communicate differently when I speak, not as clearly, and words don't come out that I'm trying to find. It's difficult. So hubby and I use chat or text or email all the time. However, I found the whole, "I need you to be poly for me to grow." inappropriate. I remember saying something at the time. It's like saying you have to be a woman to understand how I feel as a woman. No, you don't.

Now, I'll be honest, I think a lot of your situation is being young and still discovering who you each are and how to work out a relationship together. I don't say this to be condescending, only that I remember doing the same. Hubby and I got married young. 19 and 21. We often look back and go, "CRAP! We were way too young!" We were still growing up. Some things that might help you two that helped us are:

1. Not every situation/argument/disagreement is going to get solved. Sometimes it just gets vented and move on. Sometimes you just agree to disagree. Sometimes you just accept the other person's opinion/view/choices even if you don't understand them.

2. It's all in wording, and understanding that wording. No, 'allowing' someone to do something is not right. Everyone is a person, free to make their own choices, and have their own voice. HOWEVER, saying that your boundary is that you can't handle them making certain choices or taking certain actions is acceptable. It's a difference in making someone do something and owning your own shit. Basically. I can't make my husband do anything. I can tell him how I feel about certain things, how it looks to me when he does certain things, and what things I just can't handle or put up with. Negotiating together boundaries we can both live with and compromising.

IMHO, the issue isnt' that she texted you, but that she seemed to be telling you she thinks she's poly in a very roundabout way that might have left you feeling not just blindsided but manipulated. Even if that wasn't her intent. It makes it harder to trust someone when you feel they have manipulated you into a situation. Pushing for you to have someone else so that she can then ask for her to have someone else for months? That's a trust issue.
 
All I can say after reading your post, is that you two are obviously not going to last much longer like this. You won't allow her the freedom she needs and in turn, she is trying to push you into something you don't want, so that she can get what she's been wanting. You're both manipulative towards each other and it's not healthy at all. But even if you both stopped all this manipulating, one of you would always be in a situation you didn't want to be in. I say just part ways, find yourself a partner who agrees with what you want, have her find a partner/partners that agree with what she wants and live a damn happy life.
 
I have a question for those that think writing is easier... I totally agree that in some cases, it is easier to be clear in writing, but wouldn't it have been better to write out a letter and hand it to him WHILE HE WAS VISITING? That way it is still telling him face-to-face, but in a written way that is easier than stumbling over spoken words. I've typed up letters to Keith a few times when I was having trouble articulating what I was feeling, but I'm always present when he reads them if it is going to be a shocker.
 
polykat, is the back story outlined in the original post essential correct?

Is the transcrpit of the texts exchanged accurate?

What time of day or night did all this texting start? 7am or 11:30 after coming home from being out and having a few?

Did he ask you to marry him via text? Whats the protocol on death notifications? I view this as a pretty big deal in a relationship dynamic and I guess I like to look into someones eyes a read the things that words cant convey. God I wish I could fire people by sending them an email or text ...I could craft it and recraft ...edit ...then just fire it off....poof done. If you and some others here think its no big deal that's great however your problem is with the guy you sent them to...consensus here might not change his opinion. I don't think he's out of line on this. Just my opinion.

The ring ...gets into that ownership thing...property.

Any talk about who's paying for the wedding ? Because if he kicks in...that could be problems down the road ..don't remember the exact argument now but those here who put that forth will be glad to share it again. Wait It's got to be that ownership thing again.

I will say its better to get this out...on the table now ...before the marriage then later...so good job on that.

Good luck to you both
 
... and live a damn happy life.


I'm not sure why, might be the whole not sleeping thing, but that just tickled me. I heard Walter the puppet in my head. I love you! :p
 
dingedheart,

Yes, that transcript is fairly accurate. Again.. wrong approach? Yeah, maybe. But that's how it was done and I can't take it back, so it is what it is and we grow from there.

Newguy... didn't we kinda get engaged via text? LOL

But anyhow.. I can't take it back, no matter how wrong it was. Sometimes I need a shield to protect myself when I'm putting it all out there on the line. That's something he and I have to work through. One day, I'll be strong enough to come to him, eye to eye, when something heavy is on my mind. That's something I/we have to work on. Judge me if you feel the need. You are entitled to your opinion and I respect it.

Have good days!

-KAT
 
PK - I have found it helpful to send a text/e-mail like this:

I've been stewing over a subject and am too nervous to bring it up face to face. Could you do some re-search on subject A?
This has been my thoughts on the subject: (list them out).
Let's schedule a time in a day or two (or whatever) to discuss this further.


It has helped to keep from blindsiding my husband. I too find it extremely difficult to just bring up a subject out of the blue face to face. Things tend to get all twisted around, especially when I feel like I'm being attacked before getting my entire point across (and I tend to ramble when I'm nervous). I will write everything down, in detail mostly for my own benefit. I might give him a "cliff notes" version to ruminate over ahead of time.
 
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