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-   -   finding out how (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=21077)

GraceSmith 02-08-2012 12:49 AM

finding out how
I have two questions I would like to know how to let go of my primary so he can be who he wants to be?

How do you find a poly relationship??? I'm married! Have been for almost 17 years. We were married young age 19 and 21.

I want to be less caring about his interactions with his girlfriends. I want to be less jealous. The thing is he is absolutely amazing. I don't want to give him up, but I do want to allow him to be who he is!!

I think that if I were able to find a boyfriend, I may gain some hands on experience to what he is feeling. Which I would welcome another in my life. Just haven't found him yet. I feel attractive and sexy, just not sure how to pursue someone that may interest me. Should I go out on the town without my wedding band on? Flirt? I don't know if I remember how! It's been so long.

AnnabelMore 02-08-2012 07:50 AM

For context's sake, when did you guys open your relationship, how long has he been dating other women, how many girlfriends does he have, how serious are those relationships, do you know his girlfriends, what sort of jealousy or other difficulties are you experiencing exactly, etc.?

GraceSmith 02-08-2012 12:42 PM

Thanks for the post!
How long have we been open? I have realized that he was poly for about four or five years. He has been so patient and caring about my needs and didn't want to upset me that he didn't really express it until he wanted to make a relationship sexual.

How many girlfriends does he have? Well I would have to say three right now, besides me. Some are at different levels than others. One is pretty much non sexual, but the three of us are great friends. I love her and think that she is a wonderful person.
Another was my best friend in high school and jealousy pretty much killed our relationship. We still talk, but its not the same.
The third is a bit odd because we are okay friends, but she's always been competitive...it's just her nature. Which sometimes makes things difficult for me.
Weird thing is the second two are not poly. But they seem willing for a sexual relationship with him. He is very caring and both the second two have major medical issues...and he listens. I am not sure if he just fills something that their husband's can't? Like I said he is an amazing person. I understand why they love him.
The first one is special to both of us and she is poly, she does not have a primary. I am not comfortable with sexual relation with her because I am paranoid about std's. She is clean and respectable, but she does have relationships with other men from time to time. If I have sex with someone I want it to be in a small circle, not swinging. It just doesn't feel safe. We have told her and she respects that. I do not want to limit her to us and I think she understands that too. I hope she does find a primary as that I think she wants to, but he must be poly. I think limiting to her to us would inhibit that nor would she want that.

AnnabelMore 02-10-2012 01:26 AM

Some quick thoughts. Group activities are a great way to meet people, like classes, hiking groups, etc. Okcupid is one good, free online dating site that's poly friendly. And maybe there's even a poly social group in your area that you could find by searching online.

In terms of the jealousy, maybe this site will give you some helpful thoughts... there are several great essays on the topic: http://www.morethantwo.com/

Three girlfriends plus a wife is a LOT. He must be a busy man! Make sure you and he have enough time together to feel fulfilled, make sure you have dates out with each other.

So, two of his gf's are married but don't identify as poly... do their husbands know about your husband?

idealist 02-10-2012 02:59 AM

Just a bit of info....you probably already know it, but just thought I'd share anyway......

Generally the risk of contracting HIV between two women is very low. The risk of HIV being passed on through oral sex is low, but it is increased if a woman has cuts or sores in her mouth, or if the partner receiving oral sex has sores on her genitals or is having her period. Oral sex is safer if you use a 'dental dam' (a square of latex or cling film) to stop any vaginal fluid or menstrual blood getting into your mouth. A condom cut open and spread flat can also be used for this.
Sharing sex toys (for example vibrators) can be risky. Always clean them well and have one each. This is one area of sex where sharing is a bad idea!
Rough sex - any sexual activity that can lead to bleeding or cuts/breaks in the lining of vagina or anus is risky, including 'fisting' or certain S&M (sadomasochism) activities.

My favorite activities with woman are dancing, undressing each other, taking photos of each other, having photos taken of us together, playing in the Jacuzzi together, kissing (mouth and breasts) and masturbating each other with our hands (and a dab or two of the new and improved KY). As long as there are no physical signs of a herpes outbreak and no open cuts on your hands.....this is absolutely the safest sex you can have.....other than being tested- waiting 6 months without having sex with anyone else and then if everything is clear you can go for it and do anything you want!

I understand your caution about safe sex, but with your husband having sex with 3 other women and with them having sex with their husbands. Who knows if their husbands are having sex with other women or not? The sex with the woman that you really like is actually the safest sex you can have if you follow the guidelines above.

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