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-   -   Broken hearted lost bf and losing marriage (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=63191)

Polywife12 11-10-2013 12:38 PM

Broken hearted lost bf and losing marriage
So here goes nothing, I hate these discussion boards but I need advice and since my situation is so non traditional I'm not sure what to do.

I'm not proud of this but about 3 yrs. ago my husband of 21 yrs and I started swinging. We were not really close emotionally or physically, but I loved him and just thought perhaps it was normal after being married so long. Once my husband and I started swinging (which btw was his fantasy to see me with another man) I found a real connection with another married man, B, who was polyamorous as well as a swinger. My husband and I were fairly new to swinging and we discussed limitations and one was that he didn't want me to play alone with anyone. The problem was that my husband and, B's wife weren't into each other and I felt so drawn to B....I had to have my way and I wanted to be alone with him. Well I pushed for what I wanted and spent 16hours with B the first time we hung out. Anyway, it caused major problems in my marriage, but I didn't care and felt my marriage was strong enough to handel a polyamorous relationship. I still wanted more, I wanted to be in love. Me and B fell in love, and I fell out of love with my husband. (not that I was in love with him with my husband but it just drove us apart even more) I wanted B more and more and my husband less. (I know polyamory is not supposed to be like that) I guess I had needs my husband couldn't meet. This is very hard to admit and I'm not proud I feel this way.

Anyway, B and I had issues and broke up 8 months later. I was devistated. I couldn't put him out of my head and couldn't fix my marriage either. I saw a psychic and without me saying anything about B she saw him clearly in my life and said we were soul mate I did not expect she would say that. I was even more shocked when she did. She said he would be in and out of my life forever. I had my doubts. I continued to stay in contact with B every once in a while. I also continued swinging with my husband and he had finally given in to playing alone so I had a new bf in the lifestyle, but still couldn't let go of B.

After a year of us not being together, B and I reconnected. I was shocked the psychic was right. I thought everything was meant to be, he confessed and confirmed his feelings to me and him and his wife divorced. He claimed I was the one and we would be together forever LOL. I lost more love for my husband, lost my bf in the lifestyle, another friend in the lifestyle to be with B again. 3 short months later he began to have legal problems and family issues and said our life are in very different places I
Was still swinging with my husband (even though I tried to stay away from the ls, I had to go out with my husband because it wasn't right that I was seeing someone and just left him to fend for himself). B was not swinging and he didn't want any problems coming about being the soul caretaker of his children so he said he couldn't see me anymore.

I lost so much because I took a chance and followed my heart. I do not know what to do with myself at this point. Its been 5 months since I've been with him and I just can't get over him. While I respect his choice and accept y he choose to no longer be with me.... my life is ruined. I was getting all my needs met by him. Now I'm in a ruined marriage as a result....I haven't had sex with my husband in months. I even took off my wedding ring. I can't have sex with anyone even in the lifestyle because I have an allergy to condoms. I have nobody I trust anyone and honestly just not ready to be with anyone else at this point. But I know I have needs that aren't being met and I can't rekindle with my husband. My husband can't physically give me what B could on his best days. Also emotionally and spiritually I'm in despair. I actually feel like I'm drowning in sorrow. I feel my options are limited I don't think ending my marriage of 21years is worth ending because I'm not in love with my husband or want a physical relationship with him. I'm so stuck. .... it's also not like I can go out and find a new bf. My husband really isn't for it, plus I'm still in love with B. I want to talk to B and tell him how my life is now ruined because of him but idk if that's the right thing to do either since he seems to no longer care. I want him back but what can I say to make him change his mind when he's gotta be concerned and be there for his kids. I already told him I'd stop Swinging but he's afraid somehow I have jeopardized his custody and other issues cause people know about us. It pisses me off that he didn't think about how this would be an issue before he started seeing me again and all I've lost because of him. I just would like some advice about what my next steps should be. Please reserve any negative comments about how I get what I deserve and blah blah. I'm trying to get healthy, happy, and have my needs met. I can't change what is done.

london 11-10-2013 12:46 PM

Ok, you need to view these relationships separately. Firstly, your marriage. Are you still compatible with your husband? Do you want to be with him? Could you sacrifice your desire for polyamory for a happier marriage? Do you want to swing?

Then B. He seems to have his own issues right now. Experienced poly people are usually a little bit better at not letting emotions from one relationship flood the other in a way that negatively impacts that other relationship. Regardless of whether you do get back together one day, I think you should focus on getting yourself in a better place. That will help any relationship you are in.

Emm 11-10-2013 01:02 PM


Originally Posted by Polywife12 (Post 246048)
I can't have sex with anyone even in the lifestyle because I have an allergy to condoms.

I know it's a minor nit to pick in the greater scheme of things, but have you tried non-latex condoms? If it's not the latex but rather the lube or spermicide you react to, well, they also come in a variety of types. There's sure to be some combination that'll work for you.

Polywife12 11-10-2013 01:06 PM

Yes, this is my main concern. I'm trying to figure out how to get happy and healthy again and move on.

As far as my husband, we are very close friends. Never really fight he'd do anything for me ect..... sexually and emotionally it's dead. I can't bring myself to leave him because I want to be in love with someone who can give be those things. We have 2 older kids and a 21yr. History that aside from all this has been good. There are no guarantees I will find love or have a fulfilling sex life if I leave my husband. I could end up in something worse. However, the things I'm missing in my marriage cannot be fixed and are pretty strong needs.

Swinging... idk I can't really swing or meet anyone with a condom allergy. I'd swing but it's very impersonal. ...I need more of a connection and that's a hard find as well in the lifestyle.

Plus I begin to compare everyone to B. I lost so much as ....made me realize what I was missing in my marriage, lost 2 long term relationships because I was back with B and people were jealous., also can't really have sex since I developed this allergy and not having sex with my husband and don't want to either.

See it's great B gets to move on... he's single now..... but I can't I'm stuck. It don't seem fair.

Polywife12 11-10-2013 01:10 PM

Yes tried both non latex and latex without lube. No good! I know that seems ridiculous to be upset over but it's one reason I found I needed B, a physical connection is huge for me. The condom allergy causes major problems....

nycindie 11-10-2013 03:18 PM

You're grieving. Give yourself time to get over the loss.

However, I would seriously consider divorce. You are unhappy and unfulfilled in your marriage. Unless you can just live together as friends and have your own separate lives, I see no reason to stay together. Kids are resilient, and will adapt. You need to live your life for you, and I think it would benefit you to be on your own. Your happiness should not be dependent upon your relationships.

bookbug 11-10-2013 05:27 PM

You are grieving the loss of B. Some of that comes out as anger at B, and some of it is anger at the universe because life is not fair.

Briefly, I get it. I was in a triad that blew up. It destroyed my relationship with the other female, and caused E to be out of my life for a year. I was heartbroken, but determined to move on. Then, E and his wife separated and began divorce proceedings. Both E and I thought this would permit us to rebuild our relationship. It didn't happen like that. E has been grieving the loss of his marriage and initially was worried sick about the well-being of his children. He has literally been in constant flight or fight mode. This does not allow him to even reach those tender feelings he and I once shared. It's not that he wouldn't like to; it is that he is incapable. I suspect that B is in a similar place.

Your anger is misdirected. You are angry at the guy because he failed to understand the emotional trauma that would be caused by the divorce. It sucks that he didn't know, but it wasn't a grand plan to fuck up your life. You need to quit laying blame on him. The sooner you do that the more mentally healthy you will be.

Secondly - and I had to come to terms with this myself - it is not B's responsibility to meet your needs. Yes, he did once. And yes, he thought he was going to be able to after his divorce. That simply means that he wanted to, that he hoped to, but nowhere along the line did it mean it was his obligation to do so.

My suggestion in regard to B is to forgive him for not being able to be all things to all people (and you do understand why his kids have to come first right?), and try to be the best friend you can be to him. He needs a *friend* right now; not someone making more demands on his limited resources. The divorce proceedings won't last forever, and the children will mature. The external circumstances surrounding B are temporary.

WhatHappened 11-11-2013 01:50 AM

Attitude is everything.

Stop telling yourself you have 'needs' that 'nobody else can meet.' Grow stronger. Get out there and do something you enjoy. Better yet, get out there and think of someone else who is worse off than you, and do something to help them. You'd be amazed how fast your life starts looking better and you start feeling better.

FullofLove1052 11-11-2013 12:17 PM

What are you and your husband holding on? A loveless, irretrievably broken marriage. Separate, divorce, and end it as friends. It sounds like your marriage was broken, and you added poly. Rookie mistake. You and your husband need to part ways and make it peaceful as possible to avoid hurting your children. What you are both doing is blocking each other from moving on. He might be swinging to fill the empty sex life, but there might come a day when he wants to feel loved. You cannot give that to him, so you need to free him so he can find a woman who can give him what he needs. Regardless as to how short-lived you and B were, at least you were getting your emotional and sexual needs met. You should be grateful for the times you had with him and whatever he brought into your life. There are lessons, wisdom, and experiences in every relationship that will help you in relationships for years to come.

B is not the cause of your life being ruined. He has to do what it takes to make sure he gets custody of his children. His ex could be spiteful and use his lifestyle against him, and some gullible judge just might buy it. He may love you, but he loves them more. Right now, the needs of those children trump yours. I am not understanding how you can blame him for wanting to be upstanding and wanting to do the right thing by his children. How about you be a good friend and support him? If you love him, then, you should want to be a shoulder he can cry on or just be there to listen to him. Circumstances mean you cannot be romantically involved. Divorce eventually comes to a head. Children get older.

I would advise you and your husband to seek therapy, so you two can address the issues in your marriage. If nothing else comes of it, you two will be able to communicate and be friends and just maybe you two will not saddle your next partners with all the emotional baggage. I think you need to work on yourself, too. Happiness starts from within. In order to be healthy, you have to get rid of things that are weighing you down and find joy in this life. What makes you happy outside of relationships and getting your needs met? If you cannot name what makes you happy, go out and find things that will bring you joy and happiness. A man should not be the only source of happiness. It is okay if he is an extension of your happiness and does bring you even more happiness than what you have on your own. I know you are hurting, and I am sorry for that. Break-ups hurt. I hope it gets better for you. Sending you hugs.


Polywife12 11-11-2013 01:31 PM


Originally Posted by bookbug (Post 246099)
It sucks that he didn't know, but it wasn't a grand plan to fuck up your life. You need to quit laying blame on him. The sooner you do that the more mentally healthy you will be.

I feel like sometimes it was his grand plan to fuck my life up, but then again you'd have to know B LOL. Although, I'm sure it really wasn't. It just seems awfully inconsiderate of him to do this an not have to see what I'm going through as a result. The reason I say that is because he was going through this custody battle and other issues when we got reconnected and he knew that I was still involved with the swing world. Maybe he thought it could work and then realized it wouldn't. Although, I do not agree with him. He got full custody of his children but there are still some other legal issues possibly pending due to a bad divorce which I do not think is final. I think he's probably not in a place to give me what he'd hoped to give me and realizes he needs to have a real life with someone who isn't involved with swinging.....but then again IDK? He's told me very little that would make sense about why he's ended our relationship and to me it seems more like paranoia. I can't prevent his feelings but for him to start things up again and walk away without any real issue is hard for me to handle. I just try to keep trusting what he's said that he needs to be there for his kids and somehow I can cause a problem for him?????? This is why I want to blame him. But he's also said what you said below:


Originally Posted by bookbug (Post 246099)
My suggestion in regard to B is to forgive him for not being able to be all things to all people (and you do understand why his kids have to come first right?), and try to be the best friend you can be to him. He needs a *friend* right now; not someone making more demands on his limited resources. The divorce proceedings won't last forever, and the children will mature. The external circumstances surrounding B are temporary.

So if I'm a real friend I wouldn't be trying to negotiate and just understand where he's coming from. The problem is I don't understand completely and I have lost a lot because of my love for him. I feel that I don't want to place any burden's on him but I do not feel he's completely justified himself and I don't know if he can since it's regarding leagal issues. There is no promise of any future with him. He says after 6 years go by his life is his own again. So I said see ya in six years LOL....but that was it. He says he wants to be friends and he'll always love me but he hasn't picked up the phone or tried to reach out in any way. This hurts the most. When I confront him about not reaching out he says he just doesn't want me to get crazy:( I don't know if I should reach out to him and tell him what's going on with me? I want to be supportive but I feel like things are probably ok for him and he's just over reacting:(

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