Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   Is it worth the risk? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=22359)

WalkingTheBlue 03-18-2012 02:39 PM

Is it worth the risk?
I am a new member to this site, and this is my first post. I have been doing a lot of soul searching and internet research lately, and I've come to the conclusion that I am polyamorous. It's good to learn that there are so many people out there that are able to live that kind of lifestyle as well. I'm sure that there are are plenty of guys with exact situation as well. So, here goes:

First and foremost, I am a family man. I have three children and I love them all dearly. I pride myself on my fatherhood. I am also married to a wonderful woman about whom I have never had doubts. It's always been easy to love her, I have always been faithful to her, and I couldn't imagine a life without her. She's a very understanding and open person and I cherish everything she adds to life everyday.

My wife is also bi-sexual, and after about four years into our relationship we had a threesome with our communal best friend. It all happened very naturally, and there were no inhibitions or awkwardness. We have had threesomes with her a few more times afterwards, and things are still pretty chill. We discussed doing so with other women, but we always felt like we were just more comfortable with our friend and didn't need to find other partners.

We are all very comfortable with each other, and it wasn't long before I realized that I had feelings for our friend as well. I would go so far as to say I love her. The three of us went out drinking the other night, and our friend made the comment, "Can the three of us just get married to each other?". I felt so elated, even though I'm pretty sure the comment was in jest. I decided that I desperately want to broach the subject as a serious matter.

Neither of us are what you call conventional people, and we have a great time together. I'm just worried that if wife or our friend isn't on the same wavelength as me, I could be jepordizing everything. My marriage and my friendship. I don't want to drive anyone away, but I feel like I have to say something. Any advice on how to bring this up? Thanks in advance.

drtalon 03-18-2012 03:09 PM

It sounds like you're able to talk to your wife about anything. Why not ask your wife what she thought about your friend's marriage comment?

WalkingTheBlue 03-18-2012 03:29 PM

I almost did. I'm just afraid of how she might react. I don't want her to think that she's not enough for me, or that I love her any less because I have feelings for another. She's an understanding soul, but everyone has limits. I'm hoping this isn't hers.

AnnabelMore 03-18-2012 03:46 PM

There is really nothing to do but bring it up to your wife (and be sure to do that before saying anything to your friend!). It would be pretty unrealistic of her to think that close friendship and ongoing sex couldn't possibly lead to feelings, so hopefully she will understand, and you can always choose to be clear that it's just a feeling at this point and that you won't make a single move without her go ahead. Then you two can decide together whether to say anything to your friend.

If you can't think of how to begin to talk to her about it, try doing some reading at www.morethantwo.com, which is a site that I and many others have found helpful. You can steal any of the language that resonates, or just direct her to any parts you like.

If your wife *is* understanding (here's hoping!), please try to avoid the common and potentially fatal mistake of thinking that since both of you have been involved with your friend sexually, both of you should be involved with her romantically too. If your wife has been harboring the same feelings that's one thing, but if not then trying to make this a romantic triad (all three moving forward together) versus a vee (one person having a relationship with two people... as in my sig line if I was your friend, you were Gia, and your wife were Eric) will likely create problems and drama. Actually, let me recommend this article in particular: http://www.morethantwo.com/coupledating.html

Good luck!

KyleKat 03-18-2012 04:16 PM

Would it be beneficial to just show her this thread? It seems like you have expressed yourself fairly well and putting it in writing makes it easier.

WalkingTheBlue 03-18-2012 06:07 PM

I might try that. Also, thank you for the links Annabelmore. They're pretty useful.

Phy 03-18-2012 06:23 PM

I would second the others, just go for it and talk to your wife about her take on the situation and how she feels towards your friend. I have been in a similar situation to yours, getting over the initial fear took me too long, but it is so damn intimidating to start thinking outside the norm in this case, I can fully relate to that. And to answer your question: It can be worth it. :) Wishing you luck and courage.

WalkingTheBlue 03-18-2012 06:31 PM

Thank you everyone for the advice and encouragement. I'm going to talk to her about it tonight. I'm still not sure exactly how I'm going to tell her, but I'm going to give it a shot. I'll let you know how it goes.

drtalon 03-19-2012 01:31 AM


Originally Posted by WalkingTheBlue (Post 129239)
I'm still not sure exactly how I'm going to tell her...

Which is why I suggested asking your wife how she felt about your friend's statement as a good way to start. Asking is easier *and* it establishes that it's a discussion involving both of you, not a statement of one's position.


WalkingTheBlue 03-19-2012 01:40 PM

I didn't pick up on the subtle difference earlier. That makes a lot of sense.

All times are GMT. The time now is 12:34 PM.