Finding a secondary

dlkenny

New member
Well that was fun. My girlfriend (secondary) of the past 6 months recently started dating somebody who is not comfortable with the poly lifestyle and she has decided to discontinue seeing me in favor of a monogamous relationship with her new beau. Disappointing for me but I am very happy for her and carry with me fond memories.

In any case, for those who don't know me I am married to a very fine lady and our relationship is such that we are both poly with us each having one secondary partner, and we also date couples together. I am finding a lot of success finding people who want to date me but the moment they learn about my wife and our lifestyle they run. Obviously I won't force anyone to do something they don't want to but my last girlfriend only became okay with it when she understood it. And therein lies the trouble. We met on Tinder and fortunately for me she didn't read my profile through and I got the opportunity to talk to her and ease her onto the idea.

Barring another stroke of luck how do poly people approach finding a new person, especially as a secondary?
 
Usually the advice would be to make sure it was clear in your Tinder/OkCupid/Whatever profile to weed out anyone who would be freaked out by the idea well in advance. If you find your weeding process is a little too effective it might be due to the wording you've used. What does your profile actually say?
 
My current partner, my first poly one, didn't actually tell me straight off that they are poly. We chatted for a short while first. I was then given the time and space to go off and think it all through, there was no pressure at all on me. I gave it much serious thought, and as I felt an extremely strong connection I realised I was ok with the idea. Yes a lot of people would run, perhaps I may have done myself If i had been told from the start. I got to know this person first, which lets face it would not happen with a lot of people if they are told from the start.

I mean, it wasn't left weeks before I was told, and i was in no way pressured to accept the lifestyle. I have often thought to myself that with the right person I could be in an open relationship, not really knowing about poly relationships at all. Researching made me realise that what I actually had thought i could accept was being poly. I just had not known it before.

Too many people are ignorant to what being poly is, and I don't necessarily mean in a bad way. I was ignorant myself until I looked into it. However too many people, in general, are closed minded. If they actually know what being poly means and decide it is not for them it is different.

I think you need to weigh up telling someone from the very first contact, or giving them a short time to get to know you before broaching the subject.
 
I think you need to weigh up telling someone from the very first contact, or giving them a short time to get to know you before broaching the subject.

For me, I put it out there early and clearly. I want people to understand who they are talking to, because without explicit clarification they will reasonably assume that I fit the norm.

This is true for everyone I meet, regardless of if they are poly, monogamous, straight, gay, whatever.
 
Yeah I agree earlier is better. All I can go by is my situation. I was told within a day or so, just not right at the very first moment. Personally myself I would tell someone almost right away, if they then run a mile I would know early on that they weren't right for me anyway.
 
I want to know up-front. I've had somewhat limited success finding other poly women to date in my rural area through OKC but that's still my preferred method for meeting people.
 
Re: I would like your opinion on something...

This is my Tinder profile.

"It is futile to try to build every relationship into one that lasts forever. It is far more important to realize that for each person who touches your life you change in some way, whether positively or negatively, so it should be the focus then to leave each person better for having been in your life. Focus on the quality of the relationship, not on the longevity of it." -- Giacomo Casanova

Disclaimer: I am poly and in an open relationship.

--- I chose that quote because that is how I approach my relationships, especially with a non primary partner. I know that they come and go as circumstances change and to focus on the quality of the relationship.

In any case I have tried it without the disclaimer and definitely get a lot more matches. I feel like I am being misleading though or lying by omission and usually will make sure the person knows before I ask them to meet me. Is it fair to not tell them until we've met and had a chance to like each other? What do you people think?
 
Agree with you. I knew before we actually got anywhere near the point of meeting each other. I don't hold it against my partner that he waited a (very) short time to tell me he is poly.
I believe he was just being cautious telling me, let's face it how many people have you approached who had negative reactions? Okay part of me was poly all along I just didn't realise there was a specific name for what I had always given thought to.

I only have one partner myself but should I meet anyone I potentially would want as a partner I would tell them right away.
 
I think the first line of that quote can give others the impression that you are not interested in long term commitments or deep love. Maybe that you are just there for fun. That can chase away many potentials.

Also if you mention primary and secondary in your profile experienced poly women who have been "unicorned" may hesitate. I would. Might want to consider toning down the hierarchy talk/assumptions unless of course that is central to how you do poly, in which case be VERY upfront about it, but be prepared for the lack of interest.

Hope that helps and let me know if you would like more resources on how to avoid couple privilege and alternatives to hierarchical poly.
 
Might want to consider toning down the hierarchy talk/assumptions unless of course that is central to how you do poly, in which case be VERY upfront about it, but be prepared for the lack of interest

Word.

Those of us who are not interested in hierarchical associations like that are likely going to ask right up front (I do, exactly every time). Regardless, using polyamory jargon might not be helpful. Instead of "primary/secondary" it might be better to explain it like "my wife is the center of my universe but I am looking for a new friend" or whatever. That would say it pretty loud and clear without making people google what you mean by "primary".
 
Also if you mention primary and secondary in your profile...
I read everything after "I am poly and in an open relationship" to be dlkenny's commentary on his profile, not actually as part of the profile itself.

Assuming that's the case, "I am poly and in an open relationship" can mean many things to many people, particularly without any additional context. Depending upon the amount and type of experience the reader has had with people calling themselves poly in the past, it could be taken to mean any or all of "I'm cheating on my wife and pretending it's because I'm spiritually awakened" to "you'll have to sleep with everyone I'm sleeping with" or "fit our rules or you're out".

You may have better luck describing your relationship rather than slapping a label on it and hoping it means the same thing to your target audience that it does to you. Make it clear (without jargon) what they'd be signing up for.
 
This is my Tinder profile.

"It is futile to try to build every relationship into one that lasts forever. It is far more important to realize that for each person who touches your life you change in some way, whether positively or negatively, so it should be the focus then to leave each person better for having been in your life. Focus on the quality of the relationship, not on the longevity of it." -- Giacomo Casanova


If I read this, I'd run the other way - and I am open to poly relationships. You quote Casanova, who is heralded as a great lover of women, but who was basically a womanizer. And the line "leave each person better for having been in your life" says to me that you plan on leaving each person. I understand that you're trying to convey that you value the quality of each personal connection, but in my view, this quote does you no favors. You plan to love 'em and leave 'em - and very few women, poly included, are looking to be treated like that. My advice is to drop kick that quote and write in your own words that you value intimate emotional connections and are in a poly relationship. Also, get off Tinder. Tinder is about hookups and, if you're lucky, regular mono dating. OKCupid is where you want to be if you're serious about meeting poly and open minded, relationship oriented women online.
 
Re: I would like your opinion on something...

I haven't ever mentioned explicitly to anyone the term secondary, I just use the term here because that's really what she is. The boundaries are pretty clear with my wife about what's allowed or not allowed. My relationship with her must take priority with respect to family and plans and long term stuff but my gf when I am with her is treated as the center of my world. I love people unconditionally and give myself 100%.

As a result of this arrangement I have accepted the fact that the non primaries will come and go as circumstances change and most will never be truly long term. So at some level I'll have to learn the art of finding partners.

Ideally it would be great to find someone with whom we can be each other's secondaries and that would be more sustainable over time but obviously much more difficult to find.
 
If I read this, I'd run the other way - and I am open to poly relationships. You quote Casanova, who is heralded as a great lover of women, but who was basically a womanizer. And the line "leave each person better for having been in your life" says to me that you plan on leaving each person. I understand that you're trying to convey that you value the quality of each personal connection, but in my view, this quote does you no favors. You plan to love 'em and leave 'em - and very few women, poly included, are looking to be treated like that. My advice is to drop kick that quote and write in your own words that you value intimate emotional connections and are in a poly relationship. Also, get off Tinder. Tinder is about hookups and, if you're lucky, regular mono dating. OKCupid is where you want to be if you're serious about meeting poly and open minded, relationship oriented women online.

Thank you Karen for your insight. I will work on paraphrasing what I'm trying to say. I am also on OKCupid but there aren't many people in my area.
 
I have accepted the fact that the non primaries will come and go as circumstances change and most will never be truly long term.

This may be so for you, but no woman wants to hear this going in. If she does, she's a rare flower indeed. Since this is not about hook-ups or swinging style play partners, poly women are still women and most women are looking for the potential of long term. This fun-enough-for-now attitude is one reason that some poly women stay away from married poly men. Just as you feel the need to constantly explain that you're not cheating, yet not fully available, so many poly women feel the need to constantly explain that they are not available for casual come and go relationships. I mention this because it seems to be a basic misunderstanding from some of the married poly men that come through here.

Sounds like you sincerely would be looking for long term dating potential, too, so I don't mean to paint you as a Casanova yourself. But the way you phrase your profile very well could be sending messages that you don't mean to convey.
 
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Hi dlkenny,

I don't know what the right answer is as far as telling people you're poly, maybe meet them for coffee first and then say it. Though I have to say, I can see how that could end badly. Also if we're talking about OKCupid, you can have quite a lengthy profile there and it would probably not be cool to omit your poly status there. But Tinder, I take it with very short profiles, maybe the omission could be forgiven.

I hope you're able to strike the right balance.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I have accepted the fact that the non primaries will come and go as circumstances change and most will never be truly long term.
A presupposition (or prejudice) without clear basis. And as with roaches, one usually indicates there's others in hiding.

For instance, as some comic once said, Marriages come and go, but a tattoo is forever. Painting primary as inherently permanent & secondary as inherently transitory demonstrates deeply flawed thinking.

I was with my first wife for a bit shy of 13 years. Halfway through, I took up a mutually secondary relationship, which lasted more than 16 years, & we even lived together for three.
 
It isn't flawed thinking its the result of experience. As Karen pointed out its not that I don't want something that lasts a long time, it is the nature of the type of relationship that the relationships with my girlfriends tend to be more fluid than the one with my wife. I am very laissez-faire in that I don't try to put a label or try to make it into something it is not. This was my original point with the Casanova quote. For me it is about the quality of the interaction, and I treat my girlfriend as the center of my world, whether I've known her 5 days or 5 years.

My relationship is structured this way because I am poly and my wife is non monogamous but doesn't form bonds the same way I do (to her it's more about the creation of a sex positive environment or FWB partnerships) so the way my relationships are structured the one with my wife takes a heirarchal position. This is the compromise that allows it to work. I am different from most people in that I do not "fall" in love with people but more that I love people by default. For a long time this put me in a position of vulnerablility but I have learned to look at these relationships from a more objective point of view, seeking love and partnership while not worrying about what tomorrow might bring. To do this I had to learn to deal with loss by thinking of the duration of relationships as being finite, but unknown, and being mentally prepared to deal with that outcome if and when it arises.
 
I'm a little confused by your explanation.
Why do you think your relationships don't go long term?
Is long term your desire?
Do you see a difference between accepting that a relationship can end/be temporary and expecting it to be temporary?
 
I am a poly women and I wouldn't date you. Why?

Because your wife gets to shape a dictate what our relationship can be. No matter what plans we would make, what crisis I may be having in my life, I wouldn't matter if your wife pulls the wife card. Fuck that.

No one but me and my partner get a say where things go. Who says poly relationships don't last. I have been with Butch 16 years and Murf 5. I do not plan on ending either relationship. I don't throw away men like used toys. Murf is just as import as Butch. He is just as much my husband as Butch. Butch gets no say in our relationship. None.

No sane woman is going to tolerate another woman telling her the way things can be in her relationship. Not even the most independent solo poly woman. Wives like yours are why married poly men can have a hell of a time finding women to date.
 
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