Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   General Poly Discussions (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=2)
-   -   Coming out (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=164)

mellsey 04-17-2009 02:20 PM

Coming out
I have a question for anyone who can help.

history first - in a quad mfmf - two married couples together with each other in a poly relationship. This is all new to all of us.

question - How do you deal with society and people you have daily interactions with? Example: my boss has noticed a change in me says I am under a lot of stress and he is worried about me. How do I explain to him, yes there is more stress, but worth every minute of it because I am happy with what I have. He won't understand or agree with the lifestyle we have. My job won't suffer, but his view towards me could change. Also, our families would not understand, but it is so hard each day not to tell them, look this is what I have and I am happy with it. I just want to shout it from the mountain side, but know that we will be frowned upon.

Any help would be appreciated. Thank you

Alhena 04-17-2009 05:28 PM

Well I'm going through this right now so I'm prob not much help since I'm just as confused.

I have a new bf and I've told my eldest sister and couple friends that hes married and we're in a poly relationship. Mostly i've gotten curious/good responses from friends except one who totally said it was horrible, then my sister has made it clear she doesnt aprove but shes is still being supportive and understanding, i dont blame her because i know shes doing it because she loves me and thinks the best thing for me is to have the 1 guy totally devoted me. Of course she is wrong because Im very happy with my bf hes amazing and I that makes me want to tell more people mainly my mother, (who constantly bugs me to date so i want to be like hah look at my hot sweet amazing bf)but i cant obviously because if he comes around they will notice his wedding ring which I would never ask him to remove.

I brought him on a big group date with a large chunk of my friends and a cousin, i introduced him a my bf and that was it. Everything went well, we had a great night but after he left 1 friend asked me if that was a wedding ring he was wearing so i said yes and explained, he also expressed his concern for my feelings like my sister but also understood.

Ive tried practicing with strangers to get better at explaining it, i say it casually just to see their reaction like I'll say "oh my bfs wife blah blah" whatever im talking about and only once I've gotten a negative response and it was an asshole asking since I was free to date if I wanted to hook up, he seemed to think it was all about sex which its not we have a relationship and care for each other we arent swingers.

mellsey 04-17-2009 05:52 PM

Thanks for your response. I don't care who knows that I love two guys and that one is married to another person, I want to tell everyone. It is society who frowns on us and I do not know how he (my boss) will take it. I have to work for this guy for a living and he is about my age, and owns his own company and I am worried he will look down on me and think he can not depend on me the way he does now not knowing. Our parents don't know either and that worries me too. Eventually they will find out. I quess it would be better for us to tell them than them find out through the grapevine.

wildforager 09-06-2009 02:08 AM

coming out
Well, it was tough, but I came out of the closet this past week. I could not take it anymore. Monogamy was killing me. I cannot live that kind of lifestyle. Yes, it would have been much easier if I had realized that in the beginning, I know.

I've been married for over 10 years and have one child with the person. So far it isn't looking very good and may end in divorce. My SO has brought up divorce in the past few months for other unrelated reasons. We've always really just been good friends, and not really much more. I have always been faithful, and a genuinely honest/kind person. However, I have not been being true to myself, and can not do it anymore.

People already think I am crazy because I am basically a raw vegan too. This should really add some interesting stuff to the mix. :D

The minute I decided to come out, I instantly started to feel better about myself. It was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. All anger, resentment, and ill feelings just dissipated.

Once I spoke up and told my SO, I felt even better than I did just thinking about it. It took me so much courage, and must have been the most difficult thing I have ever done in my entire life. The anticipation damn near killed me. :eek: I do feel pretty bad for my SO.

So now what do I do? :confused:

Catfish 09-06-2009 03:31 AM

Breath deep and keep talking about it with people you trust.

By the by, this forum is full up with trustworthy folks that love to listen.

wildforager 09-06-2009 02:41 PM

Well, it seems to be going a little better today.

The one thing I find everyone has difficulty understanding is that it isn't really not about sex. That is always the first thing that people blurt out. People really don't understand. The good thing is that my sister has a similar relationship with her husband so I have a family member to talk to about it.

MonoVCPHG 09-06-2009 02:51 PM


Originally Posted by wildforager (Post 6422)
The one thing I find everyone has difficulty understanding is that it isn't really not about sex.

While true polyamory is not all about sex...don't try to convince anyone that it isn't about sex at all.

Sex is generally the big issue. Having closeness with someone is usually not a big deal with people but when it involves getting naked, that is where immediate, primal, and usually undescribable reactions occur.

The one thing I find is that so many people almost try to gloss over the sex when talking about poly.

Be patient and clear...what do you really want from your significant other? Do you love them or are you engaged in an obligatory relationship for the sake of your child? If you don't love them, move on. If you do love them, give them some time...this is huge!

wildforager 09-06-2009 04:06 PM

I do love her very much. She is generally a very understanding person too. However, I can understand that this is a bit shocking. I totally think we could have a wonderful relationship through all of this. From my point of view there is no reason to get a divorce. We did take a vow through better, and worse. I can totally understand if she doesn't agree with that anymore.

I totally understand if she wants a divorce, and I will support her 100%, but I would much rather stay married and work through it if she is willing.

Today she asked me if I was dating anyone. I was like, that is a bit sudden. I told her no, but I did meet some women that I am very interested in having a relationship with.

XYZ123 09-06-2009 06:48 PM

I'm glad you have come out and are feeling better. However, I do feel bad for your wife in this situation. This is a big deal. If you and she don't want a divorce, take it slow and talk everything out. Put off any other relationships for the time being until you get the issues of the first settled, regardless of who you've met and are interested in. "I am poly and would like to be open to others" is hard enough without adding "and this is who they are and I'd like to date them now".

Kraven 09-21-2009 05:36 PM

How do you deal with it? The people that are prejudice towards you after learning of your relationship orientation of Polyamorous! How do you move forward knowing fully well the way people will treat you? What stops you from taking the easy road and just staying "normal"?

All times are GMT. The time now is 05:14 PM.