Getting over past hurts & current hangups?

arondela

New member
Despite having open & polyamorous relationships for several years, I'm just now discovering this forum. I've been reading for 2 days straight! I'm in an odd situation where I don't really have anyone to talk to about it, and am hoping for some advice/input.

My background - my BF and I have been together for 4 years. We met & started dating while both married to other people. His marriage was pretty awful and ended not long after we began dating. After about a year of dating my BF, my husband & partner of 10 years started dating a much younger woman. It was his first emotionally serious other relationship, and at first it all went wonderfully. Then 2 months in he began lying and hiding things from me. Things blew up and ultimately ended in him deciding poly was not for him and leaving me to be mono with her. We divorced, and they moved to a new city to start a new life together. She dumped him 6 months later...

This all happened almost 3 years ago. Despite the divorce going smoothly, I was left with a lot of emotional scarring. I became bitter and resentful to the idea of "forever" commitment and being married. He said and did a lot of things that prevented me from wanting a friendship with him, so I lost that relationship as well. My self esteem plummeted, and I struggled with hangups about being older and no longer attractive (I'm in my early 30s) for the first time in my life.

My relationship with my BF survived all this, and blossomed into something really amazing. I ended up moving in with him this year. We did some very small casual dating outside the relationship, but realized neither of us really had the true desire to pursue anything serious. We basically settled on "if the opportunity arises to do something together, we will. Otherwise, neither of us is really interested/looking." We have had a few kinky/sexually open friends who we have occasionally played together with on a casual kink/sex level. For the most part, that has all been problem free.

Then a new girl entered our lives, I'll call her K, via the local kink community. She is young (early 20s), physically stunning, intelligent, has great energy, etc. I liked her right away, and could tell my BF did too. She was vibing heavily that she was into both of us, and I thought it would be a great experience for all involved to do some BDSM play with her before she left. We discussed doing some play at an upcoming kink party, and she and my BF did some online basic negotiations (kinks, limits, etc.). We all left off the conversation deciding to talk more in person with all 3 of us prior to the kink party about what would happen. She was also invited to our NYE party along with a friend of ours she's been casually hanging out with (referred to from here on as her date).

The NYE party was supposed to be a vanilla affair, although a lot of our social circle is poly/kinky. My sister recently moved into town but is mono/vanilla so I was really focused on her and her BF fitting in and having a good time. They were sitting on one end of my sectional couch, I was in the corner of it, then it went my BF and K and her friend with other friends sitting/mingling around. After midnight my sis and her BF left the party, and I breathed a little sigh of relief for being able to relax some. Then all the sudden I look over and realize that next to me on the couch K is loudly making noises like she is orgasming. Her face is all scrunched up and red, and she's half laying across her date & my BF's laps writhing and gasping. My BF has his hand down her pants, a blanket now half covering them, and her date is stroking her head/playing with her neck. I must have looked shocked, and I think I said something like "wait, what's happening?" My friends all laughed and someone said, "Oh, you just now realized what was going on?" It turns out, my BF was fingering K under the blanket on the couch while my sister and my BF and I all sat there clueless. He continued to do so until she stopped making orgasm sounds, the whole time making smutty comments like "ooh, oh, you're wearing stockings. I love stockings"…etc.

To put it shortly, I was emotionally blindsided. We hadn't discussed any of this, and I felt humiliated in front of everyone and disgusted that my BF would do something like that around my vanilla family. (I don't think they knew, but I'm too mortified to ask.) Either way, it was totally inappropriate. Thankfully the party cleared out not long after all this happened. As I went to get ready for bed, my BF came in to inform me that K was spending the night, in bed with us. I was too stunned to argue and didn't want to make a scene. I ended up staying up all night in the kitchen, sobbing. He came and talked to me for awhile. His explanation for what happened was that basically she started rubbing on him, and it was like a cat with a shiny object. He just did it. He didn't think about me - at all. In fact, he didn't even realize I was sitting right next to them on the couch through the whole thing. There was alcohol involved, as well, but no one was shitfaced. He later confessed that "being secretly fingered in public" was listed as one of her fetishes on her online kink profile and that was in the back of his mind when he did it. Other than that, he can't give me a "why" for doing it, other than he just didn't think about me or how I would feel at all. This really hurts.

My BF went back to our bed to snuggle with her, and I laid awake alone in the kitchen the whole night. I felt raw that he could just forget about me when I was sitting right there. I felt like I didn't matter. I felt like this was all going to be a repeat of my last relationship. I felt abandoned and betrayed, and spent most of the night thinking of leaving but having nowhere to go. We've done poly stuff before, and I have always, always, always been super considerate of his feelings/potential feelings/boundaries. I felt like not only was I disregarded, but disrespected, and humiliated in front of our friends as well.

We talked all day the next day. This all sent me into a horrible downward tailspin of self loathing and personal doubt, triggering emotional things that must lie unresolved from my last relationship/rejection. I managed to force myself to attend the play party the next night, mostly to save face, but we did not do BDSM play with K. It was all I could do to even be around her, but for some reason I wanted to force myself to do it. Whereas I used to see her as someone desirable, now I feel jealous of her. Whereas I used to see her as beautiful, now instead I see myself as hideously old and ugly and dull next to her. Whereas I used to trust my BF to play with someone together, now I feel like he's only in this for himself and doesn't really care what I feel or think. I feel like just like in my last relationship, it's just a matter of time until I'm replaced by someone younger and better and more new and exciting, and don't matter at all.

For the record, he says he feels terrible about what he did. He has been fine with calling everything off with K. She is sort of in the dark about it all, because I didn't feel she did anything wrong (followed his lead) and I didn't want to drag her in since this was supposed to be something casual. We have just played it off as I had a bad hangover all night and was tired the next day at the play party.

Did I mention NYE is also our anniversary? Sigh.

I can't seem to let this go and I'm beating myself up over it. Women we both feel attracted to and who are attracted to both of us don't come along very often, and I was truly excited about the chance to experience something fun with her. I looked forward to it for a week plus. I resent him for "taking that away" although really it's me who can't come to terms with things after his transgression. She's leaving the country for a year in 2 weeks, so she won't be around after that.

Part of me still wants this opportunity, wants to salvage something good from 3 straight days of pain. I feel like the higher, "good poly" road is to try to get over my shit and let this happen, but I'm also wounded to the core and haven't been able to sleep or eat for 3 days. The other part of me feels like I want it to be over because HE doesn't "deserve" it and shouldn't be rewarded in all this. (I know how immature that sounds even as I type it.)

So, a few questions I guess:

1. How do you work through issues that stem from old (but very deep) major hurts and insecurities from past relationships? My BF tells me over and over he loves me and isn't going anywhere, but I just can't seem to trust that now. How can you just "forget" about someone you supposedly love and care about? How do you move on from something like this and forgive? I feel like the act itself was so minor, why can't I just get over it?

2. How do you conjure back feelings attraction to someone, instead of being intimidated/threatened by them once a boundary has been crossed? I have no reason to be angry at K, but I am resentful of her now. Just being around her socially calls up huge feelings of inferiority, whereas I didn't feel that before. I hate feeling this way about myself and someone else. I want to feel good, but can't seem to pull out of this self loathing/depression.

3. Is it sometimes a good idea to just push through something and do it, and face your fears and insecurities head on? Or am I just setting myself up for more pain and heartbreak? Sometimes I feel like I could handle a carefully negotiated scene with them if I forced myself to "get over it." But I also see potential for disaster there.

Anyway, thanks for reading my long-winded tale. I appreciate any and all feedback or insight. I'm too embarrassed to talk to any of my friends about this, since many of them were at the party and saw it happen.
 
I see some of my life in your story, my ex husband and I (our anniversary also happened to be NYE too) were poly for about 9 months and then due to lying & cheating, we divorced. I was in my early 30's then and felt a lot of the things you feel. I am now married to the person I was dating at the time I divorced.

Really, being in your early 30's doesn't make you past your prime or unattractive. I am sure you know this but you probably could use a gentle reminder.

The one main difference for me is I stayed friends with my ex, so over the years we have been able to visit the things that went wrong, the lies, cheating, etc, and I think I have pretty much reached closure on them 7 years later, but it did take a lot of time, and negatively impact my relationship with my now husband, because I worried he would do the same things, hurt me the same way, and it was too easy to say "my ex did X, you did X, so I'm sure you will also do Y and Z and hurt me."

I wish I had some great advice, but I don't so much.

1. How do you work through issues that stem from old (but very deep) major hurts and insecurities from past relationships? My BF tells me over and over he loves me and isn't going anywhere, but I just can't seem to trust that now. How can you just "forget" about someone you supposedly love and care about? How do you move on from something like this and forgive? I feel like the act itself was so minor, why can't I just get over it?

I read a _lot_ of books. I go to the used bookstore and browse through the self help section, and grab anything that seems useful. Self esteem, self worth, communication, relationships, anything that strikes me as being useful or interesting.

2. How do you conjure back feelings attraction to someone, instead of being intimidated/threatened by them once a boundary has been crossed? I have no reason to be angry at K, but I am resentful of her now. Just being around her socially calls up huge feelings of inferiority, whereas I didn't feel that before. I hate feeling this way about myself and someone else. I want to feel good, but can't seem to pull out of this self loathing/depression.

I do not know. I imagine working on your self esteem would help though.

3. Is it sometimes a good idea to just push through something and do it, and face your fears and insecurities head on? Or am I just setting myself up for more pain and heartbreak? Sometimes I feel like I could handle a carefully negotiated scene with them if I forced myself to "get over it." But I also see potential for disaster there.

Sometimes, but you've already forced yourself to do two things you did not want to, and perhaps should not have (especially the first one).
1. not telling your boyfriend you did not want K to stay over.
2. going to the play party

Is there any chance you could play with K without your boyfriend? Do you think that would help at all? Maybe it would be good for you to remember that she is attracted to YOU too. If you don't think it'd be a positive experience to do so with your bf, I would really recommend that you don't risk it, and having to add another negative thing to what you are already dealing with emotionally.

I also want to point out you say contradicting things.
"I felt humiliated in front of everyone and disgusted that my BF would do something like that around my vanilla family. (I don't think they knew, but I'm too mortified to ask.) Either way, it was totally inappropriate."
"I felt like not only was I disregarded, but disrespected, and humiliated in front of our friends as well"
and then
"I feel like the act itself was so minor, why can't I just get over it?"

DO you consider the act to be minor? I think because of the presence of your family I would find it hard to classify it as minor if I were in your shoes. I am wondering if you really feel it was minor or are trying to convince yourself to see it that way so you can get past the hurt you are feeling by telling yourself it's not a big deal . So the physical act is minor, but the emotional aspects of the act obviously carries a LOT of weight for you.

I also would have similar feelings and see it as indicative of a larger relationship problem, but I am sure my husband would say that it wasn't, if we were in this situation, and it would lead to lots and lots of long talks. I of course would overreact and go on and on about how our relationship was doomed and obviously we were totally incompatible, etc etc, so it is good you are keeping a level head.

Oh AND
"We've done poly stuff before, and I have always, always, always been super considerate of his feelings/potential feelings/boundaries."
Do you feel that he has also been super considerate of YOUR feelings and boundaries? Do you think that if you sat down and negotiated/re-negotiated boundaries that they would be respected and held to?

I know those of us who feel we are SO considerate of our partners feelings often expect others to show us the same behavior back and feel hurt when they fail to do so. It's better to remember that each person is different, and if you hold him to higher standards (of communication, considerateness, etc) than he can realistically give, it can cause resentment. As long as he is giving you as much consideration as he'd give to anybody else, then I would suggest to do your best to trust that he cares about you, no matter what your fear says.
 
Ewww!!!

I don't know why you think there is something to correct in your thinking because you feel disrespected. You and your family were dissed, big time! What your bf did with K at the party was rude, obnoxious, dismissive of you, and downright icky. And then to invite her to share your bed, see you sobbing, and still go back and cuddle with her - what the fuck? Did he lose his mind?

You have every reason to feel disrespected and I see no obligation on your part to try and make things better for him. It would take me a long time before I'd trust him again, and I wouldn't even know if I could be with him for a while. I'd probably take a break until I felt he was sorry, willing to make amends, and that he had proven he is not just another inconsiderate dick.

I have no reason to be angry at K...
And why not? She knew your family was there. Any sane person would have known that what they were doing was totally inappropriate. I'd also be upset with every one of your friends who knew it was happening and laughed about it. There is a time and place for everything, and I assume you made it clear it was not a kink party.

Why do you take on the burden of telling yourself you have no right to your feelings? Your feelings are your feelings, and valid.
 
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I read a _lot_ of books. I go to the used bookstore and browse through the self help section, and grab anything that seems useful. Self esteem, self worth, communication, relationships, anything that strikes me as being useful or interesting.

Thanks for all your advice/insight. I saw on another thread someone had posted a specific book that I'm going to check out.

I imagine working on your self esteem would help though.

Agree, completely. It has been a life long struggle, and in a way it is unrelated to poly or even relationships at all. It's a personal battle, that can easily be triggered by other things.

Is there any chance you could play with K without your boyfriend? Do you think that would help at all? Maybe it would be good for you to remember that she is attracted to YOU too.

That's part of the problem, K and I never even got to the point of personally discussing anything just between the 2 of us. She's more heteroflexible whereas I'm more bisexual, so I wasn't even sure exactly what level her physical attraction to me is or if she was just going along with a package deal. We were all supposed to talk about it before playing...

I also want to point out you say contradicting things....

I am wondering if you really feel it was minor or are trying to convince yourself to see it that way so you can get past the hurt you are feeling by telling yourself it's not a big deal . So the physical act is minor, but the emotional aspects of the act obviously carries a LOT of weight for you.

Bingo, this is exactly it.

Do you feel that he has also been super considerate of YOUR feelings and boundaries? Do you think that if you sat down and negotiated/re-negotiated boundaries that they would be respected and held to?

I know those of us who feel we are SO considerate of our partners feelings often expect others to show us the same behavior back and feel hurt when they fail to do so.

It's more that once he's in the situation where he's excited about someone, he just doesn't think of me or my feelings at all. He then feels horrible afterwards, but in the moment it's like I don't exist or am not a factor/consideration. He even he admits that I've been amazing about respecting him, taking things slow with others, giving him time/limits when he's needed them, and so on. Even to the point where when something isn't a boundary cross, I've still proceeded with caution and consideration for his feelings.
 
Why do you feel the act was so minor? Clearly from your reaction and reluctance to talk to other that were there that's not entirely true?

This party was at your home? ( the incident w/sister)
 
Yes, the party was in our home. I often struggle with feeling bad or wrong for whatever I'm feeling on top of all the crap that comes with being hurt. It's also something I know about and work on, but I guess it leaks out a bit still.

After more talking yesterday, I went ahead and opened a dialog with K about what happened. She's very new to all of this, which I should have included in my original message. I think not being honest with her about what happened was making me feel guilty as well.

Silver lining, I'm glad the situation brought me to this forum and look forward to being active here. Seems like a really great group of people!
 
So he knew the guest list, knew your sister was going to be there, knew that you wanted that part of your life to remain private, correct. And yet new thought it would fun to push things to the edge....put on a show...possibly out you/educate your sister in womanly arts, and or humiliate you in front of your sister and other guests. Nice fucking guy. ...but fun at parties .

His judgement and impulse control is what would worry me. Would he want you to do something like that at his parents house. Why not dare him to do this at one of his family functions. He might get a real thrill out of that. Its cute that she wrote that in her profile ...but to "decide " to use this venue to execute that speaks volumes on your dynamic.

Just got a late thought ...they should go to a crowded water park ...lot of kids and families around...I'm told that's really, really. really thrilling
 
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Yes to all of those things. He knows he screwed up, big time, and he feels awful about it. I hate that this paints him as a terrible guy, because he really isn't. He just did something *incredibly* thoughtless and stupid.

After discussing it more yesterday, I think alcohol was more of a factor than I initially thought. He seems to have a hard time putting the exact order of "what happened" together, and like a lot of mundane details of that part of the evening and afterwards are fuzzy to him. Not an acceptable excuse by any means, but does help explain some.

And yeah, I was pretty irate at him using my non-consenting family to fulfill someone else's kink, even if they didn't catch on. That in and of itself goes against some strong personal beliefs of mine. We have discussed that angle as well.
 
Not necessarily a terrible guy but one lacking in judgement and impulse control. and as such is selfish. He has a couple drinks and " this is what I want to do so I'm going to do it...this second I don't care about the harm I cause...if I get caught I'll say sorry and claim alcohol got the best of me.

You said you got to breath a sigh of relief after your family left. Was the stress generated by " Mr fingers" or other some of the other guests?

I thought you didn't actually know if they saw anything or not? Over the years I've seen plenty of stuff at parties I wouldn't necessarily want to talk about the next day.
 
People make mistakes and get caught up in the heat of the moment which is what I figure happened with the fingering on the couch. The part I have a real problem with is that after you had made it clear that you were upset and were crying in the kitchen that he was disrespectful enough to leave you there and go back to cuddling with K in your bed! Something about that just seems very very wrong. This is what I would be talking to him about. As for K, just let it go, she's going to be leaving soon. I wouldn't go out of my way to have any contact with her before she leaves either. There really isn't any point in pushing your comfort level with someone who just isn't going to be around.
 
Hey, I 've heard a wife beater say the exact same thing ...got caught up in the heat of the moment....I said well we're having a heated conversation or moment right now feel like swinging on me, or rather what do I need to say to set you off. ....Nothing ..right, because you'll end up in the hospital. He made a decision. And then followed it up with another good decision.
 
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Yes, you are totally correct about that assessment. It's something he's just going to have to work on, which we talked about a lot yesterday.

The party stress was from the mix of 2 totally vanilla people in a room full of kinky people, and wanting to make sure they felt like they fit in and had a good time. They know I'm kinky/poly, but they are new to that circle of friends.

And no, I don't know if they realized or saw. I was speaking more hypothetically.

The going back to bed thing, he says was because he knew I wanted to keep up appearances. Which was very true, at the time, I just couldn't make myself go in and sleep there. In the morning I told her and a friend who stayed the night that I was up all night with a bad hangover. I don't like going through emotional things in front of others, even close friends. Probably weird, but I've always been that way.
 
I agree with NYCindie and Derby; ew and what the fuck?! Alcohol might of been involved but I would be so angry on so many levels! Angry at her, at him, at my friends. I would be doing some major assessment on who I spend my time with. None of what you say went down would be okay with me. There is a time and place for everything and no one did right by you the whole way through. Totally inappropriate behaviour for the situation.

Lesson learned for the bf, the rest could go to hell I think. I would be giving them a piece of my mind when I calm down. No wonder you're struggling. To me the way you are emotionally responding in this situaion is right on the money in terms of what is okay. It isnt anything to do with you and what is going on for you that concerns me, its everyone elses behaviour that is the issue. What they did caused this in you as they didn't empathize/consider you at all and now you are left with the burden of some how saving face and making it right. Total bullshit, they all owe you a big apology. They are the ones that should be taking this on, not you.
 
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RP, you might want to reread derby's post. She caulked it up to him being caught up in the moment....shit happens, bad luck, forgive and forget. This moment happened what 4-6 ft away from the sister and her husband ..2 sets of eyes 2 sets of hears. So close he could have been in a conversation with her or them or had eye contact with her the entire time to add to the thrill. Or tried to involve the fingeree in that same conversation with the sister and BIL...to really push her fantasy to the limit.

"The caught up in the moment" defense to me is as offensive as the disrespectful act itself. Its in effect calling you stupid... telling you a story as if you weren't there...didn't see the proximity of everyone ...don't know the layout of the room. Its spin ...and bullshit trust me I know guys like this.
 
RP, you might want to reread derby's post. She caulked it up to him being caught up in the moment....shit happens, bad luck, forgive and forget. This moment happened what 4-6 ft away from the sister and her husband ..2 sets of eyes 2 sets of hears. So close he could have been in a conversation with her or them or had eye contact with her the entire time to add to the thrill. Or tried to involve the fingeree in that same conversation with the sister and BIL...to really push her fantasy to the limit.

"The caught up in the moment" defense to me is as offensive as the disrespectful act itself. Its in effect calling you stupid... telling you a story as if you weren't there...didn't see the proximity of everyone ...don't know the layout of the room. Its spin ...and bullshit trust me I know guys like this.

I think you may have misunderstood me. I wasn't saying that it was ok that he had done what he had done on the couch with K but rather that when fuelled by alcohol and when your inhibitions are down sometimes you do dumb shit. It was the aftermath that I thought was really disrespectful.

And yes when you're drunk sometimes you really aren't aware of what's going on around you or who else is there. Been there done that unfortunately. But once I found out that my actions had caused waves I was incredibly remorseful and looking to make amends (and therein lies the difference).
 
I got it ...you never said ok you said people make mistakes they get caught up in the moment. It seemed to minimize

To add perspective ....and this is not something I'm proud of but I did more than my share of hard drinking. I worked in an industry in which entertaining clients was like a second job. The weapon of choice alcohol. Bottom line I now have a hyper active liver. So I'm not coming at this as some teetotaler.

Drunk enough to think that was a good idea. Not drunk enough to remember her profile comments or fantasy. Drunk enough to put his hands /fingers down there. Not so drunk as to try to conceal it(blanket). Drunk enough to get her good and ready .....not drunk enough that once started he got caught in this now secondary moment and jumped on top of her or drop down and give her head. ....Sober enough to pace his touch or read her reaction to deliver the orgasm after they left. And all of the same could be applied to her as well. Seems to me if they were both super drunk at some point in this they wouldn't have cared who was around them or even noticed. AND for his second offense he wasn't still drunk? Now his drunkenness doesn't get a pass. Apparently you haven't had many conversations with drunks. If he had been a weepy emotional drunk such a talk would have had him crying in a ball on the floor with her til morning. He's either not that type of drunk or he wasn't that drunk by that time. He chose to go finish what he started.... thinking with little Elvis... real simple. Too drunk that Little Elvis didn't work? or not so drunk ?

That's just how my formerly blood shots eyes see it. By the way during that time period I use to shower 3-4 mornings a week with glacier glasses on.
 
To update a bit...I reached out to K, and she is pretty horrified/mortified by the situation. I should have done this earlier, instead of trying to leave her out of it. (Lesson learned there.) I had said some things earlier in the night that made her think I had lost interest in playing, so she assumed what he was doing was ok and I just didn't want to be part of it. We're talking it out and I feel better, and I still want to pursue at least friendship before she leaves.

What he did was still a major mistake on his part, and really stupid and selfish. Nothing changes that. The critical thing is it was out of character behavior (selfish/thoughtless), part of what made it so surprising and hurt so much I think. I'm still having twinges of anger, but they have largely subsided from all of the talking. He is very remorseful, he feels terrible about it and was ready to never see her again if that's what I wanted.

(Also, to clarify dingedheart's post above, there was no sex or sexual touching after he went to bed. She snuggled up to him, and that was all.)
 
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the irony... the perfect time to let it rip and too tired or upset ...or drunk. A Drunk dinged would've tried something that I know.

Glad he's remorseful and trying to make it up to you. Good luck to you both ..or all three.
 
Thanks to everyone who commented. I'm an external thinker, so it definitely helps to hear others' input on the situation, as well as knowing I wasn't out there in reacting the way I did.
 
I agree that I think we all know more than we say we do when drunk and in a situation where we could say no or yes at the drop of a hat. The thing is that sometime alcohol gets us on a track that we realize is not right some how. Yet we can't figure out how, can't figure out how to get out of it so give up and keep on track even though we know that something isn't right. At least that is how I have experienced it.

I have been working super hard on that the last couple of years actually. I used to just say "fuck it" and do whatever anyway. Mostly putting myself in positions where I was used and disrespected yet everyone thought I was into what I was doing. It takes training, I think, to find ways to walk away from situations when we are drunk. Some of us aren't used to acknowledging sticky situations or know to train ourselves to walk away/say something. At least that is what I have noticed. I have noticed that having really clear boundaries helps. Although sometimes they aren't as clear as thought until something comes up. That doesn't make it okay, but it does give some indication of what needs to be worked on in the future.

For me its meant not getting that drunk with people I don't know the reputation of. I would never get that drunk in a group of BDSMers for instance, or with some sex positive groups. I know myself in the SOBER realm of these populations, and can think rationally. Drunk? Ya, I'm a crazy slut that does just about anything anyone suggests and even suggests stuff I wouldn't normally... The next day I am full of regret and for years after with some situations. Just not worth it. :eek:
 
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