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-   -   Outside prespective please (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2348)

Pandora 03-19-2010 11:38 PM

Outside prespective please
Ok, I need an outside prespective or my head is going to explode. Honestly is appreciated, but I am very stressed out from work and school and my new relationship so please be gentle with me.

After about 2 weeks of the cold shoulder, last night my boyfriend, Ward, broke up with me. His wife, June was suprised; me not so much. Ward blamed it on June's girlfriend moving away and him needing to make sure that June was going to be ok. Ok, fine. I admit I'm upset about the break up, but I'm more upset about the 2 straight weeks of the cold shoulder and feeling like a 3rd wheel. In addition, when I mentioned that I was upset about what happened to one of our mutal friends, this morning I get a call of June telling me that she and Ward have been having a hard time lately and that they didn't figure it had anything to do with me since it was a couple thing and telling me that it had nothing to do with her girlfriend moving away and it had nothing to do with me.

I'm not an unreasonable person; I'm also not a mind reader. You and you wife need some time to yourself, fine. But in my oppinion I should have been told about this need 2 weeks ago. Next, seeing as how Ward has spent the last 14 days cuddling his wife and barely talking to me or looking me in the eye, I frankly feel a little jealous and hurt. I also feel like I lost my friends and that's the most upsetting thing here. I feel like niether Ward nor June is telling me the truth about what is going on here. So please a little outside perspective before my head explodes

GroundedSpirit 03-20-2010 12:00 AM

Hi Pandora - and welcome !

Well, it sounds from a distance like the 3 of you are not "really" that tight.
If you were I suspect things would have been discussed somewhat more openly.
Is the way this has gone down the right - or best way ? Definitely not !
But I suggest keeping it somewhat in perspective and remember we're all still human and figuring out a lot of things as we go. It really is (from what you write) nothing personal towards you.
When anyone is in a crisis - whether it's between 2 people, a family member, a job, you name it - it's easy to get hyper-focused on the problem and shut out most everyone and everything else.

In an ideal world (maybe), they might have have brought you into the fold, shared the problem with you, let you help if you could or at least be there as support. But it's also possible they tried to shield you from whatever it is - didn't think it fair to load you down with it.

No way of us to know.

But it's another one of those golden opportunities to really get to know each other on a deeper level. Because crisis WILL come again - someday - sometime. You guys all have to make up your own guidelines on how you handle it best.

Don't take it personally. Just express your hurt and disappointment and let them know (IF it's true) that you don't need to be sheltered and would prefer to help if possible.

My thoughts anyway...........


Pandora 03-20-2010 12:52 AM

Thank you. I agree there does seem to be a large distance between us. We talked about this for months. We had an open discussion about what we expected of eachother and my number 1 thing was honesty. So kind of what this boils down to for me is there is sexual intimacy without enough emotional intimacy which is an extremely uncomfortable place to me to be-- another thing we discussed.

korindino 03-22-2010 04:45 PM

Maybe being separated from Ward and June is the best thing for now. Obviously there are issues in their marriage that need to be taken care of, and it doesn't seem like they are entirely prepared for a poly relationship at this point.

You say you weren't getting enough emotional intimacy from this relationship anyway. Perhaps this is a good opportunity to move on. If they sort out their issues and Ward still wants to be with you, give it a shot then. But it's probably not a good idea to be in a poly relationship with someone who can only "take care" of one relationship at a time.

Good luck.

redpepper 03-22-2010 07:11 PM

Hi Pandora. I haven't read anyone else's response, so excuse me for the repeats if there are any.

I think that perhaps he just couldn't get it all together to do the poly thing with you. Sucks I know, but really, it seems to me that perhaps he couldn't balance it all and he decided it was better he spent all of his energy on his wife because she is the one he is struggling with. Maybe he found that he was getting too into you and had some guilt around that and found his emotions were being diverted from her or maybe he wasn't interested in you enough to warrant continuing or maybe he isn't in touch with his emotions enough to be able to handle anyone else's or maybe he just found it all too over whelming or didn't know how to be honest even if he had good intentions... being honest is a skill that needs practice. It can be hard when the feelings behind honesty are raw and negative. It becomes really hard to be honest when one is feeling like that sometimes.

Who knows.

I hope you get some idea as time passes. It sucks that he left you out of the loop. He might of thought he would wait and see if things changed, or was waiting for a moment.... or.... we could go on for ever theorizing really but really he is the one that knows and hasn't told you.

sorry you are hurting, :( hugs to you.....

Pandora 03-22-2010 11:05 PM


You didn't repeat anyone's sentiments and I appreciate yours.


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