When All Goes Wrong (Triad Relationship/Jealousy)

YuriRyouko

New member
I have been involved in a triad relationship for the last 9 months. My husband and I have always been involved with another female, but the ones we tried to do the triad relationship with were crazy and manipulative. So, through online gaming communities my husband met this woman who was cool, vibrant and had a great personality and they became really good friends online. I spoke with her and camera chatted with her a few times. She flew down to hang with us last year and enjoyed it every since. Long story short...she moved to our state and became our third (my girlfriend and friend and my husbands submissive...since that's what he needs). Everything was going great. I never seemed to have a jealous bone in my body. Every once in awhile I would feel a little left out when they would be hanging out or talking, but that's because they were gaming buddies and hanging out online as friends for a year before her and I talked the few times that we did. This past December our third got pregnant (here's a little back story...she has pmdd and a few other menstrual issues that make pregnancy next to impossible or very hard to happen...but it happened). She didn't tell us, but something was bugging me that hey she's quick to get an attitude, she was eating crazy food combinations, etc. I was cleaning one day and found the test and she finally admitted it to us and she said we didn't have to worry about it it was her problem to deal with it. By her saying that that rubbed me the wrong way....yes I understand it's her body but we're in a 3 way relationship for one, but yet she wanted to deal with it herself. She wound up eventually getting an abortion which was sad and upsetting for her and everyone. But, since this situation it's like I get jealous when I see them wrapped up together or going out together and I'm trying to understand where this is coming from. Before this situation happened her and I used to conversate about whatever and I would lean on her, lay on her, play in her hair, etc whereas now we hardly if barely even talk to each other and we all live in the same house. I'm just trying to figure out what the hell has happened and gone wrong. I liked our relationship before this situation happened...we were in the beginning stages of a great and beautiful thing and it still can be if this blockade wasn't in the way. Has anyone else been through something like this or know what may be happening?
 
It sounds to me like you (and you may not be conscious of this) are in a state of mourning over the aborted child. That and you're thinking you had a right to be told about the pregnancy right away, so you may have some buried anger towards her.

You should probably give this some time and let your feelings process through the stages of grief. At the same time the three of you need to have productive conversations with each other where your feelings are aired and solutions are sought. Don't just let it fester.

I'm sorry you've been through this upsetting series of events, and I hope you and she can regain some of the warmth and closeness you used to have.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I might be wrong but it seems as if you felt as if this pregnancy was yours as well as hers. I could understand if the person who conceived the baby was put out by her keeping it a secret and her general attitude towards the pregnancy, but it would still be her right and he would be wrong for pressuring her to do anything other than what she wants to do. You're not the person who conceived the baby with her and she didn't invite you to be a co-parent or contribute to the decision making process so I'm not sure why you are feeling negatively towards her. It was her pregnancy and she dealt with it in the way she thought was best.
 
I appreciate those of you who have responded thus far. I have been racking my brain and trying to soul search on this matter for awhile (and this situation was a good 6 to 7 months ago). But, when this situation happened (the three of us just now sort of sat and talked about this a few days ago when I had a meltdown) a separation happened between her and I. She even spoke on this the other day and she said that she hated that this situation caused a separation between us but since then (7 months ago) my behavior (attitude) has caused it to get bigger since then. I am going to try to be more cool, calm and collective....since my husband says that I blow up and go off on things now and maybe that will help things along.

@kdt26417 (Kevin T.): I have never thought of it that way and have never realized that that may be what I am experiencing. This could also have to do with my past as well. When, I was younger I had to abort and I don't believe I took the time to grieve at all. I was in school and just trying to finish and survive my first year of college.



I am so glad I found this forum and that way I can either find answers or connect with those who have been through what I have or can understand and give advice on things.
 
Two years ago I got pregnant at the age of 40. We had thought I couldn't. I didn't want a baby at this stage of my life, but husband kind of thought he did. Hubby is a sweetie, but he works all the time, and has substance abuse issues, so child care would have fallen almost 100% on my shoulders. Also, to be honest, we had just opened the marriage and I was chomping at the bit to explore the new relationship I was in. So, I got an abortion, though I knew it was probably my last chance to bear children.

Afterwards, my husband struggled with a great deal of anger, sadness, and negativity over the episode. His libido towards me dwindled, and he would bring it up every time we argued. So you aren't alone, and I don't think your feelings are uncommon. He had to grieve the loss of his dream of becoming a father, and the reality of who he married, and it took some time.
 
Perhaps she didn't appreciate your reaction to her statement that her pregnancy was her problem and not yours. Just because she is in a relationship with you doesn't mean she gave up her autonomy and free will. Give her time and space, and make sure not to place unrealistic expectations on her simply because you are all in a triad. There are four different dynamics to manage in a triad, and the relationships will naturally ebb and flow.
 
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@nycindie: That is something that I will have to think on and about. She has continued to be her loving, bubbly, awesome self with my husband and my children. This is new to my husband and I as actually having a triad. Like I said in the first post we had tried to do this with a few other females but it never worked out and they never lived with us. The woman we are with now is wonderful and the best thing that we have come across for us and hasn't and is not into pulling us apart which is what the others tried to do. So, I would love any direction toward forums about being new to the triad lifestyle. And what are the four different dynamics to manage in a triad I would love to learn that?

It's just that this particular issue caused a separation between us. And she has even said that she was sorry that she let it happen but due to my negativity on the issue and continued attitude has caused the trouble. I am making every effort to work on myself. My husband told me not to worry about the relationship aspect of this triad...he feels that we will be just fine. He wants me to worry more on myself and work out the issues of why the situation has caused me to become very angry all the time and explode. The best answer I have seen since first posting about this issue is that it could be grief; which i didn't understand until I started to look it up about grief pertaining to abortion. So, what I am choosing to do is find someone to talk about this with and what I am seeing is that this anger could be grief from my long ago abortion and that is what is causing this anger (which I have had for a long time according to my husband but it got much worse after this issue) and then will I be able to get back to the relationship in the way that I/we want it to be.

I'm just staying afloat right now but want betterment of myself for the long run.
 
Re:
"And what are the four different dynamics to manage in a triad, I would love to learn that?"

They are:

  • you and your husband
  • you and the other female
  • your husband and the other female
  • all three of you as a three-person unit
Re:
"I would love any direction toward forums about being new to the triad lifestyle."

I'd just do a tag search on this forum for the word triad ... a lot of relevant threads could be found that way.

At the same time, if you continue describing your situation and asking advice right here on this thread, you will find that a lot of diverse wisdom will come your way.

You might want to do a search or tag search for "grief" too, since that's a big part of what you're contending with right now.

It's important to remember that all individuals are unique, and consequently all relationships are unique too. It would be hard to write a "Standard Triad How-To Manual" because there's not exactly such a thing as a "standard triad." There's just you, your unique triad, and the unique combination of time, research, and experience, that will help you find out what works for you.
 
I wonder, too, if part of your anger or resentment (if that is what is causing these feelings) might be that she wanted to handle the pregnancy and abortion on her own.

You don't really talk about what type of triad you all have but I can reason that most people in a relationship want their partners to feel as if they could share in something as major as a pregnancy/abortion. Just a thought and not saying this IS what the issue is - just maybe related?:confused:
 
Do you have children with your husband? I wonder if some of the problem is that she got pregnant by him and you are upset by that on some level - perhaps subconsciously you wanted it to be you?
 
I am sorry for your loss, of your own baby and now your partner's. Even though you both chose to terminate, it can be an extremely fraught decision for some. I wish you peace.

As for triads... those are very very tricky to negotiate. Especially since you had her move in from a ways away so soon. Living together is much much different than dating. We have a ton of threads here on triads. Do a tag search for "triad" and also "unicorn" "unicorn hunters" and "secondary."

I don't know enough about the dynamics of your triad to offer suggestions. Outside of the pregnancy issue, how do things work for you? Household decisions, chores, child care, finances, bed/room and sex sharing, dating, vacations, degree of "outness" to family, friends, at work, etc etc?
 
@central My husband and I have a child together. Years ago there was promise of having another child when she became 5 and obviously that has not happened yet. I am not doubting the issue of my being upset that she was the one who wound up pregnant and not me. But, due to the fact of her not keeping it and us not having another child when my youngest turned 5 is due to the fact of not being financially ready to have another.

But, unfortunately this is not the only time a pregnancy issue has happened. It happened with one of the crazy females we tried to develop a relationship with before and it was a night of drunken sex (where she waited until I left to have sex with him again with no protection while he was in a drunken stupor). So, there are a few underlying issues that could be effecting my anger issues, trust issues, etc.

@mmkeekah That is what I would have liked is that she sat down with us and talked to us when she found out. (she says she wasn't hiding the results she was just thinking of how to go about telling us) My thoughts on it is that when she first got here things were decent and cool. We were feeling each other out, but it was like the beginning of any new relationship. Her and I talked alone a bit the other day and she was telling me how some of the hugs and nudges and nuzzles she gives him is not because they are lovers or he is her master, but it's because they are friends. And she said that it's hard to be lovers with someone if you are not friends first. (Can we say a shot straight to the heart )

So, playing devil's advocate with myself......I feel that I have been played and fooled in this situation to a certain point. This is supposed to be a triad that involves us all with him getting his master/sub fix and me getting a girlfriend/ bestie/ good friend fix and it seems like I have been tricked into this at least with her because I have wanted a triad for so long.

I would reveal this to him and her but he has literally told me that I play the victim too much along with some other things. He even had me read this article (https://www.linkedin.com/today/post...e-them-in-yourself-and-change-them?_mSplash=1) to show me the error in my ways. But, if I go into everything that is an issue with me and what I really feel.....I feel he will do the same ish he does all the time which is explain stuff away or make it seem not significant...or my issue or problem only and like I am inconveniencing everyone. Him and I have been through too damn much. We have known each other since we were 5, our grandparents live next door to each other. We have been together almost 12 years....married almost 2. I have even said if I change my mind about her or if I said I wanted to end it how would you feel? He told me he would be very angry and pissed because he brought her here because I liked her and wanted her and she up and moved to come here and he wouldn't end it.

@Magdlyn I would like everything to be equal. Bills are supposed to be equal and all but that is hard when one person makes a whole bunch (that's me) and the other two are on the lower end (retail of some kind)...so I'm the one footing the most money on stuff. She loves to cook and clean whereas I have moods when I like to do that but she does it all the time because it helps her anxiety. But, since this pregnancy issue and all to me it seems like she gets more attention or she shows him more (which she told me it's due to them being good friends) and then they do the bdsm thing which I have expressed that I would like to participate or watch sometimes but of course because I'm not deep into it I can not be in it. And that pisses me off as well.

I know another reason it went kind of bad is because of the fact that I like to take over or rather control the things especially when it came down to this situation. I wanted to make sure the abortion got down before it was too late. I just want equality all over. Her and I haven't had sex with each other in months, (we all sleep in a king size bed together) with them I'm not sure, my husband and I.... it's times when it ranges from 30 to 60 days and when I try to ask for it...he says he doesn't like if I demand it and I don't want it to feel scheduled. It's terrible that we all have slept together at least a good 3 times (while drinking of course). And then sex is iffy when kids are home because of loudness (they are 13 and 10)

I just want more of a mesh between us where you can't tell where I end he begins or where she comes in at. And it seems like they like to say I have issues or she likes to say I should talk to someone or get on medication like her. Is it wrong that I want this?

This last week or so I have been being calm, chill, haven't blown up or off the handle angry about anything, but it still frustrates what they have and what her and I don't have and it seems to be effecting my husband and I regardless what he believes. I am close to blowing my top again and don't want to do it. I've even broken down and cried in front of my 10 year old as well.
 
This is supposed to be a triad that involves us all with him getting his master/sub fix and me getting a girlfriend/ bestie/ good friend fix and it seems like I have been tricked into this at least with her because I have wanted a triad for so long.

But people feel what they feel. Her being close friends with him but not you only says that you don't "click" as friends. Her trying to be friends with you, and then being closer with him isn't trickery as much as it is getting to know the two of you better, and gravitating toward someone who's simply more compatible; I doubt it's meant to be an affront.

My metamour wanted the two of us to be close friends - sisterly, even. And I tried, but if the "click" isn't there, it just doesn't FEEL natural. It feels forced and fake, and after a while, it just feels WRONG. I felt pressured to be closer to her than I wanted to be (to the point where, when she and I would spend time together, I felt like it was a milestone on a chart leading to the checkbox of "we're besties now!"), and that pressure just made me want to step back and say "done."

After a lot of hurt feelings, we agreed to just be what we are: respectful of each other, friends to a point, but not close friends, and that's that.

Perhaps the situation here is similar and she's just not feeling it. You can't force feelings.


I just want more of a mesh between us where you can't tell where I end he begins or where she comes in at. [...] Is it wrong that I want this?

It may be what you want, but everyone is an individual, and if THEY don't want it, then it's not going to happen. Personally, I did lose myself in my (mono) marriage, and it made it so much harder than it had to be. I will never compromise myself again that way - I value my individuality too much.
 
Yuri, it sounds like a clusterfuck. Triads often are, especially forced ones, where there is "unicorn hunting." Your unicorn is now in YOUR house, you are the main breadwinner, she and your husband are in new relationship energy (NRE) awash in sexy hormones. She is more into BDSM than you are, and your h won't do BDSM with you on a lesser scale b/c he is all about New Hot Babe.

And you have to share a bed with these 2? How can you sleep? You seem to feel taken advantage of all over the place.

I'd say you moved her in way too soon. I know Doms who meet subs online often tell their subs to move across country almost sight unseen. And subs, loving to be ordered around, do it.


But in polyamory, the best idea is to move NEARBY for a year or so, see how the relationship works being in close proximity, but not in the same house. Then, if things are good, make careful moving in plans, taking all 3 people's need for respect and privacy and time together under consideration.

Many poly people have a separate bedroom for each partner. Even if all 3 get along great and WANT to bedshare every night, it can help for everyone to have their own space for themselves, and for one on one sex. Successful triads understand each dyad needs one on one time. For sex, for dates. For cuddling in front of the TV.

You are having very yucky feelings because you feel things for the new girl that aren't reciprocated. Also, your h is dissing you and downplaying the importance of your feelings of being left out, yet living off your dime.

Bleh. What are you going to do?
 
Yeah.....What am I to do that is the question? My h was too busy online I guess to notice that I got upset and left our computer room for bed. It actually was her that noticed I was upset and sent him down to see what was wrong.

And when I told him that I felt like I was tricked into this or rather my feelings feel that way. He was actually pretty upset and hurt that I said and he asked me how come I just can't let things go. I am the one who is holding all of the hurt, etc when he was able to let go and forget when past situations (caused by me) happened and came and through it all be told me he stayed with me when if he told others what the issue or problem was they would have left and told him to leave. I want to be able to forget this stupid ass situation never happened. She says that she has moved on and doesn't care that if happened. It's over with and she has pushed it out of her mind. If i could take a pill to forget it ever happened or went down then I would and we would be back to the great beginning of us. .... the three of us where there was no issue and no problems.
 
Hi and welcome. Looks like you got yourselves into a sticky situation. Hmmm...

. . . when she first got here things were decent and cool. We were feeling each other out, but it was like the beginning of any new relationship.
No, most new relationships don't start off living together. Why do that so soon? Why expect romance and a "best friend" before you really know each other? It's illogical.

This is supposed to be a triad . . . it seems like I have been tricked into this at least with her because I have wanted a triad for so long.
You have no idea how common this is. Anytime a couple of unicorn hunters makes the relationship configuration they want as the most important goal to achieve, it spells D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R. Read this blog from beginning to end to see what I mean: Mom, Where are we going? Crazy dear. That is just one glaring example out of many. Instead of trying to fit people into the type of poly ideal you want, the better approach is to get to know people, and see what happens. People first, then seeing what works, not coming along with a box you want the person to fit into, such as lover/sub/best friend/third person in a triad, as if their purpose is to serve you and your wild imaginings. You even said your husband basically "brought her here because I wanted her," and now you're feeling entitled as if she's supposed to fill that role or else. You don't see it, but you're treating her like a thing, not a person. You've objectified the goal of having a triad, and objectified her. It's like you want it all to fall into place instantaneously, which - of course - is some real magical thinking.

. . . since this pregnancy issue and all to me it seems like she gets more attention or she shows him more (which she told me it's due to them being good friends) and then they do the bdsm thing which I have expressed that I would like to participate or watch sometimes but of course because I'm not deep into it I can not be in it. And that pisses me off as well.
The above section really comes off like a spoiled brat having a tantrum, I hate to point out.

I know another reason it went kind of bad is because of the fact that I like to take over or rather control the things especially when it came down to this situation.
No kidding! Your desire to be in control is extremely obvious. Why? What do you expect to gain from trying to control everything? Have you ever considered simply surrendering to what life brings you and being grateful for every moment? Your seem very demanding and high-maintenance.

I just want more of a mesh between us where you can't tell where I end he begins or where she comes in at. And it seems like they like to say I have issues or she likes to say I should talk to someone or get on medication like her. Is it wrong that I want this?
It's just that you keep ranting about what you want, you want, you want, as if what they want shouldn't even be a consideration.

Personally, I feel you invited this woman to move in with you much too soon, because you both expected her to fulfill unrealistic expectations, and now you are suffering the backlash and whining about it. You really need to take a few steps back, slow things down, and grow up. I would think she should live independently elsewhere and you two have dates with her, start all over again.
 
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@nycindie That would be a great idea if she could just move out and we court her and all that. She was actually going to wait a good 6 months or whatever before she moved out here and us getting to know each other online and all. But, then unexpectedly her bf at the time who she was drifting away from and who wasn't appreciative of what she does (cook, clean, etc) and who was verbally abusive toward her got wind that she was going to be leaving and moving out of state to live with us. So, he sped things up and told her to get her s*** and get out. There was no where else for her to go but here. And I wish she was independent enough and who knew our city better and would be able to just live on her own (I'm not saying she's clueless, but coming from a small town to a big city. She's already showed her naive-ness on a few issues already. So, how can this (starting all over) be achieved when there is no other choice and we all do live with each other? Cause as I said before I asked my h what if I wanted to send her back to her home state or whatever? And he said that he would be very angry and pissed off about that. I know this can work in the way I want and in what they want. I just have to start thinking of their wants and needs and not just my own.
 
I was under the impression that after she had the abortion, you (were angry and?) kind of withdrew from her. Did I read that part wrong? Maybe if you do things to warm up to her she will reciprocate?
 
I generally have found that I accomplish more in terms of resolving relationships problems if I quit focusing on what "we" or "they" can do and focus ONLY on what I can do personally-on my own.

Instead of considering the group as a whole, maybe you need to focus on what do YOU need to do FOR YOURSELF to make it so that YOU can be happy regardless of whatever is going on around you.

It's a reality that we can't change anyone else. So the more we fight against what IS in an effort to make what we WISH it was, the more miserable we are.

It is what it is. Period.
Tomorrow it may be something else, but today it is what it is today.
So instead of bemoaning the fact that person x or y isn't being or doing what you WISH they were; start focusing on what you can do for yourself to satisfy your own needs and desires to enjoy life.

USUALLY other people find us to be more attractive as friends and partners when we are already happy and fulfilled individuals. So if you wish that you and she could be closer, maybe the big change that needs to happen is you making yourself happy.

My bf once asked me what he could do to get a girlfriend (years and years ago).
I told him, "get a life of your own, show that you have something worth being with, have goals, work towards them, take care of yourself (physically, mentally, emotionally), be the kind of person that you would find attractive"
When we are focused on building a relationship, we do the exact things that people find so UNATTRACTIVE in others. Like being overbearing, controlling, hyper sensitive, pissy.
On the other hand, when we focus on doing the things that we enjoy, finding our own interests, hobbies, goals; we become more of the kind of person ALL people find attractive. We create a whirlwind of "WOW look at HER(him)!"
People want to be happy and satisfied, they are attracted to people who are happy and satisfied. Misery loves company; as in, miserable people attract more misery....

So instead of focusing on all this bs with the relationship dynamics of your triad or even the dynamics of the dyads within that triad, I think you need to focus on the relationship you have with yourself. When you are happy with your life, feel good about how you are living it; you will be more apt to be able to enjoy your dyadic relationships and that will increase the possibility of having a functional triad.
 
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