Should I tell my wife?

Savage

New member
Hi,
I am new here, having read a load of posts I have decided I should prob seek your advice before doing anything I might regret.
I have been married to my amazing wife (Z) for over 10 years now and have been truthful and honest to her all the way. We have a 3yo child and one on the way :)
I have always felt that it is possible to love more than one person and have been in the past, my wife has never been into the idea, we have discussed my desires before, when I fell in love with a girl at work (A). I told my wife about her then but as she was not up for a 3 way relationship I decided to respect this and not persue my relationship with the other (that was very hard). I had also been honest with A - she knew I was interested but wanted to stay with my wife and would not entertain an affare. Once she even said she would be up for joining a 3 way relationship, but Z wasn't interested.

Recently I have been back in touch with A and it has made me realise I still have deep feelings for her.

I am having trouble deciding if I should avoid contact with A, suppress my feelings and continue with my mono relationship with Z. Or should I tell my wife what is going on inside my head and risk causing problems.

This dilemma is hurting my head, on the one hand I love my wife and don't want to risk our solid relationship by bringing the poly subject back up (especially given she is pregnant). On the other hand by not talking about it I am kinda being dishonest.

Thanks for reading and I greatly apreciate any advice.

Savage.
 
Could you be more specific on what you mean by a "three way relationship?"

The way it sounds to me is that A would move in with you and you would all be "one big happy family" but if your wife doesn't want another woman living in her house, then that's just not going to happen.

But that wouldn't necessarily rule out a "vee" relationship, i.e. you would be married to Z and in a relationship with A, but A and Z would not have to be bosom buddies.

Now you say that your wife is pregnant. I personally don't think this is the best time to be bringing this up. She's got a lot on her plate, she's hormonal, she needs to feel like the father of her unborn child is there for her 100%. I don't know when the best time would be, because obviously a newborn child will also consume a great deal of time and energy from both yourself and your wife, leaving less time and energy available for dating. But I've never been pregnant or a new mother, so perhaps someone who has been in those shoes could be more helpful in that respect.
 
If you're prepared to cut off contact with A, then there's no need to bring it up. But if you want to keep her in your life, and you have feelings for her, and you keep it all suppressed and a secret, some day you may find yourself having cheated and wondering "how did I get here?" It happened to me.

How far along is your wife's pregnancy? I'd guess that telling her this at two months would be very different than telling her at eight months.

A "threeway relationship" is the most complicated of all the types of relationships you could pursue, and should be considered only if all three people are genuinely very into each other, not as a panacea to jealousy. It doesn't work that way. But as SC pointed out above, a vee is perfectly possible if you and your wife can work it out. It's not an affair if it's on the up and up.
 
I can tell you that while pregnant or immediately after (ie 6 months) is NOT the time to imply you are not interested in your wife.

While you can say that is not the case, bringing up adding a 3rd she has already said no will likely make her feel that way.

My suggestion.....if you love your wife you need to cut the relationship with A back to work only. Don't allow yourself to go there until your wife is ready. And be prepared she may still say no.

If she continues to expect monogamy what will do you?
 
Are there crucial things missing in your relationship with your wife??? Be honest.

Sometimes that can be a good place to start, before you venture off into an affair that your wife is not open to. I agree, when she is pregnant, you are simply asking for some shit!
 
I believe that honesty is always best. in being honest you also have to be sensitive and considerate. your wife will sense that something has changed, you owe it to her to let her know what is happening.

just because you have feelings and desires for A does not mean that you do not have feelings and desires for Z. if your feelings for A are real, they will not just go away.
 
Thanks

So much to think about, I haven't been sleeping properly since A contacted me on facebook.
SC - I was totally ready to have A move in with Z and myself when I first fell for A, that was what seemed to make perfect sense to me at the time. When I sat and had a chat with Z she appreciated my honesty and asked me not to talk about it as she did not want to share me.
At this point I had to dig deep and break the news to A that we could not be together and I had already had a loving relationship with Z.
Our friendship groups are small so we would often meet at partys, it was a hard time for us all but I was always completely open and honest with Z. and as time went by we saw less of A and my feelings for her subsided.

That was then, now I find myself arranging meeting for lunch with A on FB and the alarm bells started ringing, it was an innocent invitation but when she asked how Z would feel about me going for lunch I started to see a problem.

Then I started to realize that I might be poly so I started reading the net about it and the more I read the more things in my life make sense. I didn't know about being poly then, I just couldn't see why it was wrong to feel so connected and in love with two people at the same time. I wasn't having intimate physical contact with A, I just fell in love with her.

AM - Z is three months pregnant. I will have to stop myself from seeing A, doing so is only going to bring more pain for all again I guess. I hadn't given much consideration as to how a relationship would work, I have really just realized how I work and wondered should I discuss this with Z as I did so many years ago.

Carma - Interesting question, I love her completely she means the world to me. I have a much stronger sex drive than she does but I cope with that, I wouldn't want to cheat on her as I lover and respect her too much to play away when I feel frustrated. She has gone totally off sex since morning sickness kicked in. Bless her.

lifetake2 - You are right, now is not the time to start trying to work out a relationship restructure with Z, I appreciate that she needs me to be there for her now more than ever.

Shyliss - This is the bit that is giving me insomnia, just the act of telling her I think I am poly and have feelings for another is going to rock the boat. If I don't then that would be going against my inner honesty rules.

So I think there are two choices for me here:
1. I tell her, I tell her everything, especially the part where I still love her loads and dont wish to break up.

2. I dont tell her anything, break my honesty rule and try to get over A, again....

Thanks peeps for helping out, I feel I have someone I can talk to about this now and that helps a LOT.

Savage.
 
Why not combine both options? Break off contact with A and tell Z everything, including the fact that you think you're poly but love her too much to force her into something that would make her unhappy, especially during this sensitive time, and so you cut A loose rather then get into a sticky situation again. Let her react to that and give her input. Maybe she'll be grateful, maybe she'll be mad that you brought it up at all, maybe she'll reconsider poly and do some reading, who knows. But you'll have been honest.
 
Why not combine both options? Break off contact with A and tell Z everything, including the fact that you think you're poly but love her too much to force her into something that would make her unhappy, especially during this sensitive time, and so you cut A loose rather then get into a sticky situation again. Let her react to that and give her input. Maybe she'll be grateful, maybe she'll be mad that you brought it up at all, maybe she'll reconsider poly and do some reading, who knows. But you'll have been honest.

Yep, what she said.

I used to suffer from, with my ex husband, a case of always being honest...until things got to a certain level with another person...my ex knew how I felt for the first 11 years, and what was happening in a sexual interest context with others, but at some point when he seemed to stop making an effort for our relationship, I stopped being 100% honest, and that's where the problems started.
Now HE wasn't being 100% honest with me ever since our relationship started 13 years earlier, I just assumed he was because I was, and I did nothing but talk about how we would always be honest about each other and our feelings about fidelity, etc.. What I regret now is that I stopped being totally transparent. I couldn't control his honesty, but I could have controlled mine, and I wish I had.

I'm still a bit confused about the reference to a three way relationship - do you mean a V? you're with A, you are married to Z but don't try to force a friendship or intimate relationship between them? You want threesomes? You want to be with Z, with A, and they have to be good friends so you feel good about your desires? Is Z allowed to date and fall in love with others? Is A? In this case with a pregnant wife I'd say SLOW SLOW SLOW. I'd be honest and prepare to drop A in a romantic context, as you have decided to bring another life into this world, already knowing that Z was not interested in an open relationship when it was brought up last.
 
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I think you may also want to think about the fact that A. contacted you after knowing you chose to honor your wife's wishes. She was willing to move in with you and then you told her you and your wife have a solid loving relationship, and that you made a choice to remain monogamous. You had let your feelings for A. subside and made peace with your decision. Now, out of the blue, A. gets in touch and is asking for a lunch date. and you are thrown into a bit of turmoil about it That is a bit suspect, to me. I don't know how much time had passed, but I think A. should have had more respect for the boundaries you have in place with your wife and left you alone. Maybe this is someone you might not want to be involved with, as there is potential for drama and stirring up a world of shit. Some women know the effect they will have on a man and will use it to their advantage. Maybe it's all innocent about just staying in touch, but still makes me wonder if she's got cowgirl tendencies.

Your wife really needs you now. When the baby comes you will both be so tired and everything about your life will have changed completely. Another baby will be demanding and all-consuming, as will giving extra attention to a possibly jealous older sibling. The baby and your family will be your focus for quite a while. Not a good time to let yourself be tempted by the idea of being with another woman.

Also you may want to look at how easily your commitment was shaken. Some pondering and examination in the areas of self-doubt, dissatisfaction, fears, etc., which have perhaps contributed to your wanting more than what you have in your life now and wavering in a choice you made. Are there fears or insecurities surrounding fatherhood or your growing family that are pushing you toward a little escapism and fantasizing? Might give you some insights into what you want and how to be happy.
 
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It my own fault, A just pinged me hi, I was of course happy to here from her. I asked if she would like to meet for coffee and a muffin, I guess to catch up. It was her asking me if Z would mind that got me thinking what the hell am I doing.

Its best for all that I take a cold shower and keep my contact with A to a bare min. I may even have to explain things to her so she is clear with what is going on.

What do I want, well I have always thought that I would prefer two live in partners, it makes so much sense sharing childcare, chores, income and intimacy. I can totally see it working in my head. I would not want Z to do something that she didn't like, she has to be happy too or it just wouldn't work.
A V relationship I had not really considered, I am not sure how I would feel about going off to another lover, I guess I would prefer the one big happy family, sharing all. Z and A would not have to sleep in a threesome if they didn't want to but in a perfect world for me they would. A V would be too close to cheating and doesn't have the advantage of sharing childcare, finances ect, not the ideal in my mind.

Would I mind Z having another lover? Difficult for me to answer, erm, I would not mind if it was a girl, would be less keen if it were a man. I have a do as you would be done by ethic so I guess logically I would have to try and deal with any issues I might have with her seeing another man. I don't think she is like that though, not something she has ever talked about. Except to use it as an example of why A+Z+S would not work, "how would you feel if I wanted to see other men?" when I asked her if she would mind having A in the relationship too.

I have built a fortress of trust into my relationship with Z, its the solid foundations that give me a clean happy sole. I feel 100% that I get that back from her. We have shared a big part of our lives and are really close, I never want it to stop.
Unfortunately for me I have always been a mad flirt, I still am. Now I am starting to think its not because I am a womanizer, a cheat, have insecurity issues but that I am still looking for another A.

Yes, right now its been hard with Z being so sick. I have had little affection, no sex and I have felt isolated and helpless. I have talked about it but I have to give her all the time she needs, it would be unfair to force her to do somthing she is not up for, but I still have needs - sexual and emotional. The whole A+S+Z thing would make so much sense now, Z would still have my full support, A would too and would contribute to helping Z during this time. I know this ain't gonna happen, not now.

I guess I would like Z to understand and appreciate what I am dealing with in my own messed up head. At the moment I feel quite alone on this one, its one thing I can't just blurt out without thinking about why I should, the pro's and con's.

If she is adamant I not see anyone outside our marriage and the relationship has to stay Z+S then that is the way it has to be. I will just have to learn to keep better control of my desires. But at least she will understand.

I am starting to think I should tell her, not ask her to do anything but understand how I am wired. Explain that I am still here for her 100%. Because its the right thing to do, but is my honesty enough reason to bring this up right now? In the end why would she need to know, I already made a choice to commit to her, I just find it hard sometimes, like now, I feel like I have a big secret from her.

I wish I was pure mono, and that I didn't have all this sexual energy, things would be so much easier.

On the plus side, I have not gone too far down the path with A, although I am sure I still love her I havent been seeing her and I think I can avoid getting too deep again. Z is also very understanding so if I do tell her she would prob be able to deal with it, its not as if it would be a complete revelation.

If she asks I will tell her whats going on, if not I will try and bury it.

Savage.
 
Hi Savage,

I know having 2 sister wives is an ideal for you. But when my ex h and I opened our relationship, and he fell in love with another woman, he suggested to me she move in and become his 2nd wife, help me with the kids and housework, babysit so he and I could go out on a date, yada yada.

I was horrified! I barely knew this woman and in no way did I want to share living space with her, or let her start to develop a relationship with MY children, just b/c my h had a thing for her, emotionally and sexually.

I know now they were both head over heels in NRE. I made them stop having sex, but allowed them to remain friends. I think you should rethink your ideal of 2 wives. Why would you want to move another woman into your happy home after just a few months of crushing on her? I mean, sure, as a dream it's fine, but most people don't move in together just a few months after knowing each other. It's really best to wait a year or so to see how the dating thing goes, and how much you really get along once the first surge of infatuation has passed.

I do sympathize with you on your differing sexual needs from your wife. If she is completely off sex because of nausea and fatige, and of course, gets touched out by the end of the day from your rambunctious 3 year old, perhaps you can do more housework and cooking to give her time to rest. If you keep that up, maybe by her middle trimester her sex drive will perk up again for a few months, until she gets huge.

I understand how your frustrated sexual desire is now being channeled back into A. :(
 
Personally, I think your wife deserves to know who you really are and how you really work. I think you will just end up feeling more isolated if this is a part of yourself you feel you need to hide. If you two really do trust each other 100% then she'll understand that you're not telling her in an attempt to be manipulative and that you mean it when you say you'll respect her boundaries. It may not be what she wants to hear, but we owe our partners our true selves. If you do decide not to say anything now then I would at least plan to tell her at some point, after you've settled a bit into life with the new baby.

Mags is right -- your sister wife scenario is ideal for you but it's not fair to think that it would make sense for Z in the same way. If she had a true friendship, trust, and love (romantic or platonic) for A too, that would be one thing, but it takes a long time to get there.

A vee isn't cheating if everyone is open and honest about it and it's based on a context of mutual respect and communication. It can make a lot more sense for a lot of people, since it's rare that two folks feel the same way about one other person. It can also build a base for a more triad-like relationship in the future.

And yes, hoping that she could be cool with you loving another woman when you wouldn't be able to let her love another man is not ok and would not make me feel amenable to sharing if I were her. It makes it seem like you want whatever you think is hot/fun but aren't willing to give what you hope to receive. Is Z even bi?
 
Would I mind Z having another lover? Difficult for me to answer, erm, I would not mind if it was a girl, would be less keen if it were a man. I have a do as you would be done by ethic so I guess logically I would have to try and deal with any issues I might have with her seeing another man. I don't think she is like that though, not something she has ever talked about. Except to use it as an example of why A+Z+S would not work, "how would you feel if I wanted to see other men?" when I asked her if she would mind having A in the relationship too.

I think like this is something you should really focus on before letting your thoughts move forwards with regards to what you want with A.

In otherwords, drop the entire idea of dating A in any capacity until you are 100% comfortable with Z having another man move into your house with you. Put yourself in your wife's shoes before you even consider asking her to make a sacrifice that you yourself are not willing to make, regardless of whether it's something she wants or not.

After all, if three grown-ups running a house is easier than two, isn't four easier than three?
 
While I do agree with everyone who's said that moving a lover in with you after only a few months is something akin to lunacy, I just want to point out that there are Vees that live together. Several members here are in Vees that cohabit. However, you should know that in the ones that work well, nobody rushed into anything. I think it goes without saying that it takes thoughtfulness, very small steps at a time, and lots and lots of honest communication (usually for at least a year) for any cohabiting situation to work. I think your excitement has gotten ahead of you, and sped past real, practical considerations. Also, yeah, I second SC's recommendation to explore all your feelings about your wife having a male lover, before entertaining the notions of having lovers yourself.
 
Would I mind Z having another lover? Difficult for me to answer, erm, I would not mind if it was a girl, would be less keen if it were a man. I have a do as you would be done by ethic so I guess logically I would have to try and deal with any issues I might have with her seeing another man. I don't think she is like that though, not something she has ever talked about. Except to use it as an example of why A+Z+S would not work, "how would you feel if I wanted to see other men?" when I asked her if she would mind having A in the relationship too.


Savage.

I don't think she is like that though,

I didn't think my husband was "like that," either. Turns out, his ego and self-esteem was so wounded by my falling in love with another man, he went and found someone to stroke him and make him feel great, like he was the ONLY man in the universe. (Well, I guess I signed off on that job, didn't I?)

Poly is a risk-taking venture. It sounds like your wife is really not open to the idea. Are you willing to lose your wife, the mother of your children, for what you find with the other woman? Or is there a way to get your needs met WITHIN your marriage? Because your needs are important. But your young family's needs are important, too. It's an awful dilemma so many of us have found ourselves in! I admire you for looking for creative solutions. Keep being honest, even if it makes her upset. Sexual needs can be met in LOTS of different ways. You may be able to find a happy compromise. Your wife signed up for monogamy -- and so did you. If she doesn't open her mind to the idea, you will have some tough decisions to make. I feel for you. :(
 
What do I want, well I have always thought that I would prefer two live in partners, it makes so much sense sharing child-care, chores, income and intimacy. I can totally see it working in my head. I would not want Z to do something that she didn't like, she has to be happy too or it just wouldn't work.
A V relationship I had not really considered, I am not sure how I would feel about going off to another lover, I guess I would prefer the one big happy family, sharing all. Z and A would not have to sleep in a threesome if they didn't want to but in a perfect world for me they would. A V would be too close to cheating and doesn't have the advantage of sharing childcare, finances ect, not the ideal in my mind.
Oh man. I've been cheating all this time?! :p

Who says you have to share finances, who says you can't share some child care but not live together? You can create out of this anything you all want provided everyone consents is considerate, compassionate and is open and honest in your communication. You have to start talking and asking questions though.

I think you need to start off smaller. Slamming your wife with this paragraph above is just a tad far sighted. I think I would be telling her that you would like to date other women, you would like her to know them and would like to see how that goes for both of you. Find out what would be harder for her most, sex or emotional connection with others or both.

I wonder how much of this is about sex. Do you just need to get laid? I'm asking because if your wife doesn't struggle with your being intimately connected to othere then there is no reason why developing a close friendship isn't an option. Its playing with fire but if you can manage it for the time being then this woman can be in your life, become someone your wife knows and begins to trust and it can unfold as it may that way. I have done that with a man I date and its going okay. If its sex she's okay with but not emotional connection then maybe you should swing or look for fuck buddies to scratch your itch. Thing is that going one root and expecting to avoid the other is only a bandaid, but it might buy her the time she needs to catch up with her feelings and it might slow you down enough to savour the moments and build a foundation.

I live with my husband and boyfriend and it took YEARS to get to this place. We don't share finances other than he pays rent though. It is doable however, just in tiny tiny steps. I had the same dream as you 15 years ago and it took this long!

My suggestion would to masturbate often, tell your wife what's going on, go at your wife's pace (she will have no "pace" if you don't tell her) and kick back and relax. Let it take you rather than pursuing it. Life happens, set it up in a direction and be pleasantly surprised when things work rather than miserable when they don't. Oh. Ya. And when your wife gives a bit, GIVE BACK in the ways she loves. Foot rubs don't go a miss when you're pregnant. ;)
 
The old expression timing is everything.
Should you tell her ???....maybe some day. Telling her today while she's carrying your child just seems incredibly stupid for all the obvious reasons. Lets forget about your high sex drive and need to get laid...while she's carrying your child. Lets forget about the possible damage or the ending of your marriage. Instead lets think of the unborn child. He/she could grow and develop in a stress free happy place (happy womb:)) or one completely stressed out, filled with anger,fear, rage, all the tears and hormonal responses that go along with that (unhappy womb:(). What would you want for your child?

My advice.
this why God invented porn and Al Gore invented the internet.
 
Dinged, it's nice to hear from a man about the common lack of libido in pregnant women and how guys deal.

I was that way as well, and also when the kids were small and oh so active. It was so exhausting (3 kids in 5 years) all I wanted at the end of the day was sleep. I felt a lot of guilt about it. Even when we tried to have sex, we were often interrupted by a little one somehow sensing it and waking up. Once I even went and got the baby, laid on my side, latched Baby onto the boob, and let my h take me from behind and just get it over with. Yay for 3ways! *rolleyes*

My ex confessed years after the fact that he went to a strip club a couple times on the way home from work, just to see a live sexual woman for a change. I was fine to find that out.

However, he never helped me with housework or cooking. If he would have done more of that, I might've had more energy for sex... but no, he was old fashioned and just wouldn't help.
 
Hi everyone :)
Well, it was only a matter of time before she outright asked if I was ok and what was bothering me, I said there was quite a lot on my mind and I was figuring things out. I knew instantly I was going to have to tell her very soon as I couldn't leave anything like this hanging.
Later that night when we went to bed she asked again, so I told her. I can't tell you how hard it was, I had no clever speech planned out, I couldn't even think of the right words to say, "I think I am polyamourous".
At first she didn't quite get what I was trying to say, "so you fancy other girls - you are a man - whats new?" the "discussion" went from there, she got upset and said that I was basically telling her that I wasn't her ONE, and that I had fallen out of love for her. I did my best to explain how I loved her, she was my soul-mate, that I was very happy with her and our family and that I had no intention of leaving her, but that I could fall in love with more than one person at the same time. It was hard.
There was also discussion about my sexual frustration, I had to explain how I understood why she didn't want sex, but that I needed to let her know how hard it was for me, and that I had felt a bit pushed away.
In the end I think I had convinced her that nothing I felt for her had changed, that I did really love her and I had not cheated on her in the past and did not intend to.
The next morning I dropped the little lad to nursery and returned home to Z, we were both off and had planned to spend the day together. Before spending a lovely day in town we made love, cuddled and fell asleep together :D :D :D

I am not sure how it all sank in, time will tell. I feel better now, I can relax a bit more. At least we started talking and I am not hiding anything. I hope she understands or comes to understand.

I don't intend to pursue a relationship outside our marriage for a long time, if ever. Now is definitely not the right time, I have a huge amount of stuff to figure out in my head before I go there and I really do need to focus on what is ahead for our growing family.

One thing, Z's happiness is everything to me, I have made a commitment to her and I will not do anything to hurt her. That may be hard for me at times, but you can't always get what you want. Also what we have is a rare lasting love for one another, enough of a base to do well for our kids. That is certainly not something I take for granted.

For me this is not just about sex, its about falling for the person, wanting to spend more time with them and explore feelings. I did that with A, I fell for her and wanted to be with her, that feeling was strong and at the same time I was madly in love with Z I remember it was very tough for me to leave A then. A caught me by surprise, I had let myself get really deep feelings for her before I knew what was going on. There have been a couple of other people since but I had not allowed myself to get too close like I had with A.
There are lots of people I would love to just spend a night with but that's totally different.

Would I mind if Z had a relationship outside our marriage? I am going to say no, I think I realize now that if she fell in love with someone else then I would be ok with her dating. But it would only work with complete openness on all fronts. I have had to think about that one quite hard, but that's the answer I give myself. In fact thinking about it in this way makes me realize how complex a relationship change like that would be.

As for porn and the internet - these are the tools I use to balance out my very high and adventurous sex drive already ;)

Now, off to put on MTV and do some housework.... :)

Savage.
 
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