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-   -   Confused Newbie (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=34482)

CattivaGattina 12-08-2012 05:44 PM

Since you still don't know if this is what you want DO NOT move in with him and his girlfriend. What would you do if you decide you want to be monogamous, he doesn't, and you two break up?

I'd stick with your plan of moving to the city for work but keeping your own place until you know what you want.

Arrowbound 12-09-2012 02:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jewels6675 (Post 171174)
In a way I guess I was in a poly relationship before was just not aware of it. I dated a guy for 8 years and for 4 of those years I shared him with another woman...but I wasnt aware of her....I found out about her. It's possible that I could be happy while sharing someone...I just can't say for certain.

That wasn't poly; he was cheating on you. Ethical non-monogamy and cheating are not one and the same and never will be.

As for you wanting him to himself, slow down. You're caught up right now, in emotions and flooding and good feels. When you can examine it more closely out of the lovey haze it'll be easier to see how that can't coincide unless he agrees to end his other relationship and move out. At this point y'all are not on the same page.

So while you may not wanna be criticized, no one here is about to tell you "Yeah! You go get your man girl!"

Won't happen. Don't expect it to. I would apologize for the lack of sugarcoating but believe me, it wouldn't help.

jewels6675 12-09-2012 08:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Arrowbound (Post 171228)
That wasn't poly; he was cheating on you. Ethical non-monogamy and cheating are not one and the same and never will be.

As for you wanting him to himself, slow down. You're caught up right now, in emotions and flooding and good feels. When you can examine it more closely out of the lovey haze it'll be easier to see how that can't coincide unless he agrees to end his other relationship and move out. At this point y'all are not on the same page.

So while you may not wanna be criticized, no one here is about to tell you "Yeah! You go get your man girl!"

Won't happen. Don't expect it to. I would apologize for the lack of sugarcoating but believe me, it wouldn't help.

I didn't expect anyone to say "yeah, go get your man girl" but what I did think I would get was advice on how to become poly or how to know if poly can be right for you...but again...not to be critized. And I did get some good advice from some and do appreciate it....but as I've said before, I'm new at this and honestly don't know what I'm doing...and am always open to suggestions and advice from those that know more about it than I do.

Emm 12-09-2012 11:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jewels6675 (Post 171265)
I didn't expect anyone to say "yeah, go get your man girl" but what I did think I would get was advice on how to become poly or how to know if poly can be right for you...but again...not to be critized.

Then perhaps you should have asked for advice on how to be poly rather than detailing an entirely wrong-headed situation and asking only:
Quote:

Originally Posted by jewels6675 (Post 170796)
My question is this....is my way of thinking all wrong???

Edit: Somewhat off-topic, but by a "girlfriend who is more than half his age" do you actually mean a girlfriend who is less than half his age or a girlfriend who is more than twice his age? Because otherwise I'm not sure what you're trying to say about him, her, or their relationship.

jewels6675 12-09-2012 04:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Emm (Post 171268)
Then perhaps you should have asked for advice on how to be poly rather than detailing an entirely wrong-headed situation and asking only:

Edit: Somewhat off-topic, but by a "girlfriend who is more than half his age" do you actually mean a girlfriend who is less than half his age or a girlfriend who is more than twice his age? Because otherwise I'm not sure what you're trying to say about him, her, or their relationship.

Again I'm completely new to all of this...and I'll be the first to admit I have no clue how to ask the proper questions in order for others to give advice...if I worded it incorrectly I'm sorry for that...

BoringGuy 12-09-2012 05:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jewels6675 (Post 171284)
Again I'm completely new to all of this...and I'll be the first to admit I have no clue how to ask the proper questions in order for others to give advice...if I worded it incorrectly I'm sorry for that...

Before I make a complete ass of myself, I will ask the question: Is English your first/native language or did you learn English later in life?

Because your question was in pretty plain English. I'm not sure how "asking the right questions" has to do with being "completely new" to poly. There are no "right questions", just relevant ones. It seemed from your original post that you did indeed ask the questions that were relevant, and you got answers that were likewise relevant.

If you want different answers, ask different questions. Don't get discouraged because people answered the exact question you asked.

jewels6675 12-09-2012 05:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BoringGuy (Post 171285)
Before I make a complete ass of myself, I will ask the question: Is English your first/native language or did you learn English later in life?

Because your question was in pretty plain English. I'm not sure how "asking the right questions" has to do with being "completely new" to poly. There are no "right questions", just relevant ones. It seemed from your original post that you did indeed ask the questions that were relevant, and you got answers that were likewise relevant.

If you want different answers, ask different questions. Don't get discouraged because people answered the exact question you asked.

Again I'm sorry for that...I will not ask any other questions. Again...thank you to those that did provide advice in your responses...I did appreciate that.

blacknwhitelady 12-13-2012 02:13 AM

get out
 
honest if you feel that way you have no busy being in a poly relationship. jealousy is normal and it happens and it's all about how you with it that makes a poly relationship work. if your looking to move in just to break up a relationship you are in the wrong 100 percent


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