I am a mono woman who has been in a relationship with another woman (S) for 3 years & we’ve been living together for 2. I know I am S’s true emotional & spiritual soul-mate, so I am very secure in my relationship with her. S has had a couple of BFs in the time we’ve been together & that has never really bothered me, until now. She has been seeing her current BF (J) for a little over a year and in that time the three of us have spent a lot of time together. I have always felt, when the three of us were together, that I was an outsider. This also, has never really been a problem, as it was only part-time and it wasn’t a strong enough feeling to really be an issue. Also, I felt as though it was partially because I live with S and have access to her 24/7, so J saw our time together as a threesome as his time with S. But, now S wants us to both to marry her & all 3 of us to live together and I don’t know if I can. I’ve had this gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach since getting caught up in the moment & saying Yes. At the time, the three of us were traveling together & we both were around S 24/7 so to speak and I still felt like an outsider. J seemed to always be cutting me off from S physically, always sitting between us, or not leaving enough space on the couch for me. We were also constantly butting heads, disagreeing on everything. I’ve talked to S about my feeling as though I don’t belong, but I don’t feel as though I can talk to J, even when S is there. There is just too much conflict between J & I. We seem to butt heads whenever we are together. Even a light-hearted, happy discussion of ideas for our commitment ceremony ended up with J & I butting heads in less than 5 minutes. I know many of you will say I need to discuss this with S & J, but with the way he & I butt heads, I want to be really, really sure this isn’t just some form of jealousy (& hence be something that I can work through with help, cause S is so totally worth it. I also know that if I were to ask, and though it would hurt her, S would leave J.) before I make those kind of waves. So...
How can I figure out if this is jealousy, or something else? Is there some kind of mental checklist I can work through?
Is it possible that even though we both love the same person very deeply & are loved by that same person in return, that J & I are just not compatible, even as friends (and possible housemates in the future)?
Is there a way to find this out before we commit to this relationship & move in together, so that it doesn’t end in an emotional explosion that destroys all 3 of us?
How can I figure out if this is jealousy, or something else? Is there some kind of mental checklist I can work through?
Is it possible that even though we both love the same person very deeply & are loved by that same person in return, that J & I are just not compatible, even as friends (and possible housemates in the future)?
Is there a way to find this out before we commit to this relationship & move in together, so that it doesn’t end in an emotional explosion that destroys all 3 of us?