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-   -   New to Polyandry (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=43736)

PolyInWA 03-29-2013 09:26 PM

New to Polyandry
Hello everyone. I thought I'd post a quick introduction and then I'll post another thread elsewhere with a question that I have been considering since my wife brought it up to me a few days ago.

I am a happily married 43 year old man. I am heterosexual. My wife and I have been married for eleven years. A few months ago we began to talk about opening up our marriage to allow her to date other men. I personally am not interested in starting a relationship with another woman, but am very open to my wife becoming involved with other men. Initially we discussed this as a "hotwife" lifestyle choice, but over time I proposed that we approach it as a polyandrous lifestyle choice. This made my wife very happy and is the direction that we plan to go, though she has not yet become involved with anyone.

I've joined this group to learn more about the pitfalls that we may encounter, not to become persuaded not to go through with this, but rather to be aware in advance so that we can be more successful as we move into this new chapter of our life together. My wife is also going to join the group under another user name.

I appreciate all the advice and support that I am sure we'll find here.

kdt26417 03-29-2013 10:19 PM

Greetings sjn1069,
Welcome to our forum.

That's pretty cool that you're willing to support your wife in this new endeavor. I'm sure we can help with info and advice. When you start your new thread, post a link to it here and I'll post on that thread. (I'm sure others will too.)

Glad to have you aboard, hope you enjoy your experience here.

Kevin T.

PolyInWA 03-29-2013 11:33 PM


Thanks for the warm welcome! I have already created a thread but I have to wait for the moderator to approve it before it becomes visible. I'll post a link to it here as soon as it does (if I can figure out how LOL).

I am looking forward to hearing what everyone has to say about the topic though, which deals with how to handle an arguement, especially if my wife would seek comfort in another man's arms. I don't tend to be overly jealous but I have to admit that when my wife asked how I would deal with a situation like that I felt a pit in my stomach. Certainly it is not going to be a deal breaker for us, but I do want to prepare myself for circumstances such as this arising. We've talked a bit about what we could do to avoid conflict, but I would really like to hear from people that are living in poly relationships how they deal with that.


kdt26417 03-30-2013 12:00 AM

In my experience, I've found that jealousy in me has had less to do with what someone else was doing, and more to do with whether my own needs were getting met.

I think ending an interval with your wife on a sour note, followed by her going to spend time with another guy, is going to be a difficult thing to work through. It's better to get the argument resolved unless she has a prior commitment to meet with the other guy. If she's running to him solely because she wants to get away from you, then that's a problem for both of you. Polyamory emphatically doesn't work best when used as an "easy way out." Commitments and loyalty are prime considerations.

I'll say more in your other thread when it becomes visible.

Kevin T.

PolyInWA 03-30-2013 12:33 AM

Kevin: I agree, and really I don't think that it would become an issue because my wife takes our commitment to each other very seriously and I really doubt that she would seek out comfort from a significant other if she thought that it would hurt me. She is concerned though because although we do not argue often and usually our arguments are resolved very quickly, there have been times where one or the other has left for a drive just to put some space between us to clear our heads. Never have either of us been gone or more than a few hours.

Her concern is that when she has left in the past she has "felt" that if she had someplace to go that she would probably would have gone to have a shoulder to cry on. (We have tended to move frequently during our marriage and have not had family and close friends nearby to go to so it hasn't been something that happens.) She believes that if it happened that she would be going just to be comforted but she is fearful that if she has a relationship with the person that it could become sexual and that I would feel hurt and betrayed. She is normally extremely level headed, so I would be surprised if this happened but people can make bad decisions when they are angry.

I will add that I am a very forgiving person and if it did happen and I did feel hurt and betrayed, there is no doubt that I would forgive her (I am not even sure if I would have anything to "forgive" her for, or if feeling that way would even be justified). I am trying to grow as a person and to let go off all feelings of possessiveness and jealousy. My wife and I love each other very much and very much communicate openly with each other about our feelings and needs.

Thanks for your response. I look forward to more of your thoughts when my thread becomes visible

nancyfore 03-30-2013 04:10 AM


My hubby and I are poly and he has other partners, I as yet do not.. I find that I enjoy when he is having happy moments with his gf. I am also jealous or questioning when I imagine something is more than it really is. So for us alot of communication before hand and after for that matter helps me with issues that might come up. Alot of honest communication is the biggest help for me..

Magdlyn 03-30-2013 02:28 PM


Originally Posted by sjn1069 (Post 193675)

I have already created a thread but I have to wait for the moderator to approve it before it becomes visible.

I don't understand how some posts are moderated and some are not. In my newbie days here, I never had to wait for a mod to approve a new thread. The mods seem to have enough to do getting rid of actual spam to want to approve every new thread by every new member. Weird.

PolyInWA 03-30-2013 04:43 PM

I just checked and my other posts went live over night. Here is the link to the one I mentioned here yesterday. Hopefully this works.



kdt26417 03-30-2013 07:49 PM

Hi sjn1069,

I have followed your link (above) and posted on your new thread. Hope my comments are of help.

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