Honesty about Jealousy

civfan

New member
So I have a girl friend who has a girl friend and that make me jealous but the thought of even seeing my girl friend holding another mans hand makes me even more jealous, so my question to you who consider yourselves successfully poly is do you really have what you'd consider sever jealousy issues that you work out with self talk and communication on an almost daily/weekly basis?
 
Generally speaking, if i felt negatively about my partner's other relationships more often than I felt indifferent or positive, it would make me doubtful about the relationship and/or the relationship style meeting my needs.
 
Is poly right for you?

Civfan,

I respect your efforts to be comfortable with something like poly, but from all your posts...it really doesn't seem like poly is a match for you.

Yes, there are struggles, but if you have "severe" reactions to poly, jealousy that overwhelms you, worries that your girlfriend will kick you to the curb if YOU get a girlfriend, too....it just doesn't seem like a healthy environment to begin new relationships.

Balancing multiple relationships can be tricky, but, from personal experience, I can say that poly makes me happier, more relaxed, and more myself. It's not something I forced myself to tolerate.

If that doesn't hold true for you, it's perfectly okay to be monogamous.
 
Civfan,

I respect your efforts to be comfortable with something like poly, but from all your posts...it really doesn't seem like poly is a match for you.

Yes, there are struggles, but if you have "severe" reactions to poly, jealousy that overwhelms you, worries that your girlfriend will kick you to the curb if YOU get a girlfriend, too....it just doesn't seem like a healthy environment to begin new relationships.

Balancing multiple relationships can be tricky, but, from personal experience, I can say that poly makes me happier, more relaxed, and more myself. It's not something I forced myself to tolerate.

If that doesn't hold true for you, it's perfectly okay to be monogamous.

Thanks for being honest, very good info, I agree that poly probably and never will be good for me but I realize my gf is poly atm so I just have to deal with it.
 
Wow, just spent an hour and a half on the phone arguing with my gf and her gf about reading up more and trying to solve the jealousy created in me when they have sex while I am in the other room! Even this doesn't happen in the poly kingdom does it, anyone really have sex with a secondary while a primary is in the other room?
 
It can if all participants are comfortable and willing for that to happen.

But the main thing here is lack of clear communication about boundaries for the shared home. And the fact that you are not comfortable and that you all do not seem to do conflict resolution in an effective way.


http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html

Maybe those could help you articulate jealousy feelings.

As to you knowing you do not want poly shipping but you continue to participate in one... I can only suggest you stop participating in things you do not really want. There is nothing wrong with monoshipping.

Galagirl
 
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Seem to recall something about your girlfriend meeting her girlfriend first. Not that it really makes a difference, but it sure sounds like your girlfriend thinks her girlfriend is the primary, and you're the secondary.

Either way, lack of communication, respect, etc btw the two of you says you don't have much of a relationship.
 
Seem to recall something about your girlfriend meeting her girlfriend first. Not that it really makes a difference, but it sure sounds like your girlfriend thinks her girlfriend is the primary, and you're the secondary.

Either way, lack of communication, respect, etc btw the two of you says you don't have much of a relationship.

That does make a lot of sense, her gf is probably her primary BUT her gf's hubby gets out soon and her gf will run back to her hubby, sigh BUT my gf is currently much more comfortable with perhaps the image of me being her sole sexual relationship and its been really hard to build up much of a relationship partially by the fact that she spends a lot more time with her gf/best friend.
 
... Even this doesn't happen in the poly kingdom does it, anyone really have sex with a secondary while a primary is in the other room?

It can if all participants are comfortable and willing for that to happen.

It really does depend on what everyone is comfortable with. Three of us live together in a small one bedroom house - so if I am with one of them then the other is generally in the other room. Same when Lotus comes to visit us...

but we are all friends (or friends and more) and very comfortable with each other.
 
Wow, just spent an hour and a half on the phone arguing with my gf and her gf about reading up more and trying to solve the jealousy created in me when they have sex while I am in the other room! Even this doesn't happen in the poly kingdom does it, anyone really have sex with a secondary while a primary is in the other room?

Yes I have had sex with Murf while Butch is in the other room.
 
It's not my thing, but lots of people have no objection to their partner getting it on in the other room. Auto thinks it's hot when Zoffee and Cue do it upstairs.

In this big crazy world, if there's anything you've known someone to do once, there's a good chance that hundreds or thousands of people do it on a regular basis.

If your gf and her gf having sex in the other room is a hard limit for you, then your choices are pretty clear. You can't control their behaviour, but you can remove yourself from the situation.

In response to the first question... I generally think that if any relationship is more pain than pleasure, it's probably not healthy. Unhealthy relationships can either be abandoned, fixed, or tolerated. Tolerating unhealthy relationships really destroys your soul, so I don't recommend that option. Fixing relationships requires effort from all involved parties and is only an option if they're willing to meet you halfway. Jumping ship is the only option that can be executed by one unhappy sailor.
 
Wow, just spent an hour and a half on the phone arguing with my gf and her gf about reading up more and trying to solve the jealousy created in me when they have sex while I am in the other room! Even this doesn't happen in the poly kingdom does it, anyone really have sex with a secondary while a primary is in the other room?

Yes, I have sex with my bf while my gf is in the other room. Sometimes when she is in the room (like if we are all watching TV together and bf and I start messing around). Sometimes we all have sex together, as you and your gf and her gf used to do!

But I have read here of some people new to poly going mad with jealousy if their partner has sex with their OSO in the next room. So, advice is, get out of the house, or ask the other 2 to have sex at OSO's place. Or, after the 2 gfs are done, your gf could come in to you and take care of your sexual needs. I quite often do this, go take care of gf after being with bf, in case she felt aroused or left out after hearing me and him getting it on.

I am sorry your communication is not going well.
 
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